I forgot to post this here, but i did another redraw >:)
Wolf based off the song Dogs of War by Motley Crue! Specifically the lyrics "A black wolf is standing, at our back door. Staring at the blood stain on the floor."
I was messing around with a new brush and randomly locked the fuck in
I came up with him before the Kress twins were released ๐ญ I haven't found an alternative name but the towns big enough for two huge Otto's it's okayyyyy
He was a reagent before a really bad accident happened during a trial he was in, and Easterman saw how hard he fought to get to the shuttle just a second short, and decided to give him a new life by adding and stretching out human parts of him!! Now hes a prime asset you can only encounter in the dark (like night hunter in a way) so that's why he's lengthy as hell and his anatomy is a bit wonky ๐ผ
I know you all are awaiting my response, and Iโm grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out thereโI donโt like drama on my blog. I have a document thatโs over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they donโt want to listen. They just want to hurt me.
So I guess now there are things I have to clarifyโฆ itโs heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didnโt have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didnโt really want to post this.
Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.
Letโs get right into it.
1. Iโve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that mightโve โconfirmedโ this would set it off. Iโd have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, โis it all over?โ
I feel liberated, now. Thereโs no need to fight when theyโre true. I am more at peace with myself.
2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autisticโthe things youโre hearing me say are the first times Iโve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, thatโs why I have my bio set to what it is.
That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I canโt remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.
3. The โminor incidentโ that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying sheโd โtear people apartโ and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was โbeing rude.โ I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldnโt handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrongโeven confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.
I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.
4. The โsuicide baitingโ was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said โit wasnโt that bad but okay,โ as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.
I have to clarify that it wasnโt baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something Iโve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.
5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Letโs play devilโs advocate here.
If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldnโt I make art or something along those lines? Theyโre big on art.
If I wasnโt, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help meโฆ beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I donโt blame the minors in the server, Iโm talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didnโt really work. He continued to tell me off.
After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone whoโs mentally ill isโฆ too far. I hadnโt done anything to them before this incident.
6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, andโฆ well, to be honest, I was terrified.
They were making me forget that Iโd been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didnโt know when, just that it would be.
Now, it is.
7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never โdemeaningโ when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought theyโd have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.
8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.
That was the first time Iโd ever heard of them.
In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first serverโฆ ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiencesโฆ which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were โnormal.โ This doesnโt make it less terrible, but I hadnโt even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to meโI was a messed up child. Iโm sorry for this.
8. I wasnโt the best person, I really wasnโt. I didnโt know how to โmaskโ my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didnโt know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)
So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.
9. I have explanations for what Iโve seen of the accusations, but I donโt really recall anything from that incident over 3 years agoโฆ if someone had told me, or even confronted me, Iโd have known what was wrong. But they didnโt, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against meโpeople would be cold to me and I wouldnโt know why. The worst part is that I canโt apologize. I canโt even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I hadโฆ no idea.
I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone Iโve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didnโt mean for any of this to happen. Donโt defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. Butโฆ smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They donโt want an explanation.
All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but thatโs what ended up happening. Iโll put more detail into the doc.
10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless Iโm reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they donโt want to help me, theyโre deliberately being malicious and they know I wasnโt baiting.
Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasnโt delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? Butโฆ they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if itโs accepting some of my โnegative thoughtsโ as reality. I wonโt be reaching out to anyone I donโt already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.
Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusionsโฆ werenโt entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didnโt mind when I wasnโt responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. Thatโsโฆ something I never thought Iโd hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I donโt deserve, really.
So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.
As for everyone who cut me offโฆ well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because Iโm still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now itโs not. It wasnโt an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I donโt know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I canโt provide any extra insight on that.
The truth is, I havenโt been around because Iโve been dealing with depression for a long time. Iโve been passivelyโฆ yknow. Not actively. I havenโt had the energy to respond to anything on most days, Iโm sorry for that :(
All of this was just the breaking point, really.
Thank you for reading. I know most people wonโt, but I appreciate those who do. I wonโt blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Canโt get therapy because Iโm broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still canโฆ even if Iโm reminded of what Iโve lost. I donโt think Iโll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.
OH, I wasn't here for this drama but was caught up on it all. I have a lot to say about you.
First off, Pulling the suicide card in a server of minors was a cunt move. YOU DON'T TELL MINORS THAT SHIT, MINORS AREN'T YOUR FUCKING THERAPIST AND AREN'T FULLY DEVELOPED MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHIT COULD ALSO TRIGGER A MENTALITY UNWELL MINOR.
Second, showing minors torture porn. You dont show a minor FUCKING PORNOGRAPHY. KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF, AND NOT SHARE IT TO FUCKING MINORS. YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT, NO WONDER YOU WERE KICKED FROM THAT SERVER.
Third, joking around about a situation that happened to someone. Do you have no compassion? Jokes about a serious situation isn't funny, no jokes about something serious or bad should be made. Get your head straight with that shit.
You really showed your true colors to everybody, the colors of an awful human. Your autism doesn't do this shit to you, that's what you chose to be. You've dug your own grave, now lie in it. Not even a "apology" can fix the situation you put yourself in. Do you have no remorse for the shit you've done? Did you feel empathy on the people you've caused pain and distress to?
I hope karma gives you a harsh reality check on the shit you've started. This drama shouldn't have happened in the first place, but look here, it's here. Drama due to your actions. You need serious professional help.
janainaart
blakekathryn
ellievsbear
gummygunk
baratheonpilled
titsay
andulkaphoto
