New update, I’ve been here since July of 2021, are ya feeling it now
Yeah, it’s really been that long. First active fandom ever woooooo
So I don’t really talk to anybody anymore but it’s not because of them, it’s because of some things going on irl. Ill try to get back to everyone after the holidays
Rules: none. Yeah there’s none… except. Don’t gossip about me behind my back?? I didn’t think I had to say this and I’m tired. I can’t stop you but I’d really rather not deal with that
I’m sure everyone knows that I’m navimind t RASH at this point. Anyway here’s the tags I use
#tw romance - this is self explanatory. If you don’t want to see romance I’ve done a good job on tagging it XD
I also tag reblogs with #reblog
#peak gameplay - for screenshots and actual gaming moments
#the Paygang - dumb stuff involving the crew
#Featuring: Bain’s Eternal Devotion - I don’t use this one often but Bain is a simp for his gang lol
#writer mood - me writing stuff and experiencing ISSUES
#fic inspiration - stuff that might happen in a future fic
#fic preview - I don’t really do these anymore
#fic headcanon - wait I had this tag???
#Reality Distortion - I have no energy to write this anymore
#an art tag - for garbo drawing
#actual fic - ACTUAL FIC
#suing ovks for emotional damage - me crying about the characters or the plot
I’m a weirdo and I know you all can see it! Yeah that’s meeee
Thanks for reading, I don’t really tag spoilers for PAYDAY 2 anymore but you know! That’s all this blog is essentially cus Bain best boy
I know you all are awaiting my response, and I’m grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out there—I don’t like drama on my blog. I have a document that’s over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they don’t want to listen. They just want to hurt me.
So I guess now there are things I have to clarify… it’s heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didn’t have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didn’t really want to post this.
Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.
Let’s get right into it.
1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”
I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.
2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.
That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.
3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.
I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.
4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.
I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.
5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.
If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.
If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.
After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.
6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.
They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.
Now, it is.
7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.
8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.
That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.
In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.
8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)
So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.
9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.
I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.
All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.
10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.
Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.
Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.
So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.
As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.
The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(
All of this was just the breaking point, really.
Thank you for reading. I know most people won’t, but I appreciate those who do. I won’t blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Can’t get therapy because I’m broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still can… even if I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I don’t think I’ll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.
Hiii I meant to finish this for valentines but too bad I guess hahaa hehehe dedicated to Violinist from the Panic Room server—hello! I liked your animation so here’s Bain tucking Dallas in :)
————
The night is quiet, a contrast from how the Safehouse is in the morning. There’s barely a single moment of silence with how Jimmy goes around with the sole purpose of messing with people. It’s like he’s allergic to being calm—whenever he isn’t blackout drunk, that is.
Dallas doesn’t hate him, but it’s hard to take a nap in the annex where all of their bedrooms are. (Sangres is usually enough to distract the guy… usually.)
The Crew Chief works late into the night, his eyelids drooping with exhaustion, his legs becoming numb from sitting in a chair all day.
Just five more minutes, Dallas thinks to himself again and again, resisting the temptation to take a nap. This work isn’t gonna do itself.
There’s a point where he decides to rest his eyes, blacking out on his desk with no sense of how much time has passed. He softly snores, mind melting away into sludge. It’s cold over here. His back hurts, but he can’t find the energy to get up.
Nathan stays like that for a while until he registers the faint sound of a door creaking open. Someone—with just as much insomnia to rival his own—walks in, steady footsteps coming toward him, though Dallas doesn’t move. His eyes are open just a crack, not quite asleep but not quite awake, either.
It’s Bain—Dallas can tell by his build. The navigator stands there, thinking about what he should do next. Dallas finds his indecisiveness different from how Bain normally presents himself, quirking a lip up at how cute that is. His guide is out of sight for a few moments, stooping down to slide an arm under Dallas’ knees, the other one supporting his neck and back.
Nathan watches as his Watcher gently cradles him against his broad chest, soft yet carrying a hidden strength. He can almost fall asleep against him, but the Crew Chief wants to be awake for this. Bain hasn’t noticed that he’s pretending to be unconscious just as an excuse to spend time with him.
It’s a bittersweet feeling when the leader manages to open the door to his Caporegime’s bedroom, making sure to strip the sheets off the bed before laying him onto the mattress. Bain tucks Nathan in so that he doesn’t freeze tonight, patting down the blankets.
The navigator looks nervous, glancing toward each possible entrance into the house, and Dallas is curious as to what he’ll do next. Bain breathes a sigh of relief, seemingly hyping himself up before leaning down to brush his lips against his Crew Chief’s forehead. It feels like freedom, smells like seafoam. He stands there for a moment, halfway embracing him, reluctant to leave.
When Bain metaphorically tears his feet off the ground to walk away from Dallas, he finally decides to bite the bullet as he shuffles over to the door to close it. Moonlight filters in through the half-open blinds, illuminating Bain’s features and giving him an ethereal appearance. Dallas can almost imagine a halo around his head as he tries his best to make sure the mattress doesn’t squeak when he slips underneath the covers right next to him. Nathan is grateful for the darkness—his Watcher would’ve seen his smile. He’s awesome when he pretends to be unfazed, but adorable when he drops the act.
Dallas feels his navigator’s gaze on him for long enough that he takes the chance to lazily shift towards him. The mastermind leans into Bain’s form, his warmth surrounding him, flowing through him like a gentle breeze. Hands grasp his shoulders, quickly accepting the circumstances, pulling him in close enough to where Dallas can smell his cologne. The blanket is soft, but Bain’s touch is softer as he wraps his arms around Nathan, almost protectively.
The rise and fall of his Watcher’s chest is a comfort to him, and he can’t resist reciprocating his hug with a sigh. Bain hardly even flinches, to his credit. It feels like this can last forever, this loving touch, the time they’re spending together.
It’s not enough.
It’ll never be enough.
When Nathan wakes up in the morning, there is a sense of happiness in his heart. The cologne is still faintly there, almost comforting him through the absence of warmth. Once, it was like being splashed with cold water. Now, it’s a tug on something that has long ceased to exist. It’s as if it were real.
The clock reads 3 AM, staring at it unblinkingly before turning back around.
He sighs.
He must have fallen asleep while going through Bain’s things.
His navigator was like a gentle breeze, there for a moment. One moment, and he is left with this, only this. He is left with shambles of what could’ve been.
Nathan closes his eyes.
When he’s finally unconscious, the dream doesn’t come back to him.
can we have some good dallas and houston brother moments i like... don't see enough of that lol
Hiiii manekiiii Y’know, Eric once said that he wished there had been more development with these two. Sharing their highs and lows. a dual perk that lets you do something like that. Quick shoutout to the Panic Room server and @ghousebox for the voice lines, they totally inspired this
————
They’ve gone over the plan dozens of times at this point, no need to remind everybody of the blueprints. This should be a quick in and out, under thirty minutes flat. Houston and Dallas stand against the side of the van, a comfortable yet tenuous silence blanketing them. Pre-heist jitters.
A soft click of a lighter illuminates Houston’s thoughts—Dallas is counting on him to do his job. I can’t mess this up.
The man in question holds out his lighter between his index and his thumb, glancing at the Ghost, a silent offer. Houston takes it, trying not to care. Nicotine fills the air with an aching burn, the both of them breathing in poison and exhaling their worries.
I’ll spot you, Dallas doesn’t say.
I know you will, his response audible somewhere in the space between clouds of twinning smoke.
When the cigarette burns out, the younger heister crushes the butt with a fist, holding his hand up to his brother. Dallas casually brushes the back of Houston’s hand with his own, half a fist bump, half a handshake; an acknowledgment.
The Ghost pulls the mask over his head, obscuring his face.
————
(Something goes wrong! Houston out of grenades so Dallas TOSSES him one and they work in tandem, Dallas wouldn’t be able to have a good angle so Houston is able to score the shot. But I do not know how to write this HELP)
————
They’re forced into a corner, taking a different route back to freedom. Heavy footsteps race in their direction, the both of them barreling through trees and shattering branches underneath their shoes. Dallas hears bullets whizzing past his ears, the crack of a round embedding itself into wood. He shouts at Houston to hurry up, a quick burst of inspiration as the Ghost starts the van. Muscle memory tricks him into reaching for a grenade when there’s nothing to be found.
Dallas just barely grasps the door handle, a panicked yell as he signals for Houston to step on the gas. They peel away before Dallas even shuts the door—cops are hot on their trail, firing at the escape vehicle. Gunpowder fills the air, sticks to their clothes as bullets clip the paint off of the van. The heisters cringe at the sound of metal being pierced, barely stopped by the flimsy box that was the only thing between them and certain death.
Houston tries to catch his breath and drive simultaneously, his veins bursting with adrenaline. For a solid minute it’s just the two of them, air conditioner put on blast as the engine hums. Dallas checks behind them again and again, gun drawn beneath their feet. Only when he puts it down does Houston finally relax.
“We’re in the clear,” he rasps, reality starting to hit him as he tries to calm his nerves.
“I almost can’t believe we did it,” the Crew Chief says, a slow smile spreading across his face as he vocalizes exactly what Houston was thinking. Dallas’ tacky mask stays on, but the Ghost can tell that he’s grinning. They lock eyes for a moment, relief and joy mixed up together.
They almost died. They almost died, yet their bodies weren’t cooling on the unforgiving ground. Sure, Houston will have to order new parts for the van but that’s a small price to pay considering. Considering—
In a move uncharacteristic of him, Houston grabs his brother’s wrist, raising their arms as if they’ve won a contest. His grip is tight as he shudders, betraying his fear. They’ve made it out alive and whole and well and—
If Bain is an alien I bet he knows about hous. aaanndd he doesn’t tell anyone haha
He doesn't know Houston is a ghost yet; he doesn't even know what ghosts are. But he knows Houston does weird shit and doesn't see an issue with asking him why he doesn't do more of it on missions. It'd be so helpful-
Wait, why is Houston freaking out? It's okay, no one is gonna care. Some humans are just weird, right? Calm down, Houston-
