WTFried Episode 3: KFC Otome Game
Bold: Gakuās commentary
Italics: Futabaās commentary
Normal: Official documentary narration (usually in a bad British accent)
Bold and Italicized: Answers/Questions to theā¦ game.
In 1910, the Capital, one man had a dream that he made another man work for. That dream would result in the exclusive Milk Hall. A chic cafe that would serve all manner of dairy-based treatsā¦ and making only one exception today. A day where we will reach deep into this bucket ofā¦
Oh, Aoi! This logo is such a cute design!
How did you know it was by him?
Didā¦ did you seriously think it was anybody else?
Point taken... Ms Futaba-rtā¦
Hush, Gaku. Iām just going to leave the drawing to the actual student.
Since everyone is craving for some turkey this winter, the employee has made the employer fetch some slices of this fine poultry. Everyone at Raccord is getting ready for the tender meat AND the festive season as we ring in the new year of 1911! Featuring buckets with the restaurantās symbolā¦ an old man!
And speaking of the devil, here he comes withoutā¦ the turkey but some other manner of bird? Thus, Aoi has prepared to strike, dumping the bucket on the counter with a resounding thud.
āErmā¦ so remember how I said it was ok if I arrived at the turkey place slightly later than usualā¦?ā A sheepish Oji's question can only be met by Aoi's deadpan conclusive remark,
āThey ran out, didnāt they?ā
Apparently, that was super insensitive because Oji-san has scrunched up his nose and eyes (the more normal ones) andā¦
Wait, how did you speak in parentheses?
"Nevermind that, somehow the narration was more offensive than Aoi's accusation." Ojiās fake-sniffling is thankfully interrupted by Aoi shaking the contents of theā¦ replacement.
"I don't think it was harsh enough considering your blunder."
āNoā¦ it's just that the turkey place somehow became a chicken place! So the party pack is full of chicken!ā
And just like that, the bells at the entrance have stopped ringing just as fast as the front door has been shut. And two hearts are now shattered into a million pieces. Why wouldnāt there be shattered souls after witnessing all hopes of savouring a Western classic slipping down the grease tracks of the fried chicken? The sound of the fat fizzing and splattering was supposed to be a welcomed one, not thisā¦ thisā¦ tinier bird. In particular, Ginnojo knows that he knows too much. See the look of imagining death and actually experiencing it? And Kuro! Heās pouting in slow motion, head down, shoulders slumped, and with an expression that clearly indicates heās responding but barely able to because of the sheer despair consuming himā¦ AKA, exactly like a puppy.
...Gaku, donāt zoom in on their faces. Iām already describing it, no need to rub it in.
āMan, Iām sorry you two. I know you guys were looking forward to the turkey.ā
āOld Man Oji, itās ok! Iām just glad everyone is here to feast at least!ā
Of course, the most ferocious growl has to refute that statement and it certainly has to come from an even more ferocious beastā¦ Ginnojoās disappointed stomach. Does he manage to hide the betrayal well with his stoic face though as the two neighbours/besties/??? eye the substitute meats?
Ok, really, there is no way you can tell me you spoke in question marks.
āI apologize too. Honestly, I should have checked beforehand.ā Aoi concedes and offers a temporary white flag in the form of a kitchen towel to see the numerous chunks of fried chicken.
Could it be? The magic of fried chicken is soothing wounds of the past? Can the crispy chicken skin really fully resolve the dwindling festive spirit? Will it be just as great as its twinā¦
āBe at rest, my Lady. I am sure a dollop of sugar or two is enough to fully restore the chicken to a turkeyās high status.ā
Iām glad to see that the sugar dispenser I made is being put to such use, brother.
As Yura makes the sugar cookies even moreā¦ sugary, Aoi shakes his head,
āWhat now? We work with fried chicken? Iāve never really experimented with it before.ā
āWeā¦ do need to finish this supply eventually. Might as well start now.ā was all Oji can offer in this dire situation. Just as everyone is heaving a sigh, two majestic heroes arrive withā¦
A tengu as a sacrifice for the turkey my brother can never savour now. Crows are closer than chicken to turkey.
āNevermind, ignore him Kuya. Hiya Koga! Sorry you two, but weāve only got fried chicken...ā
And with that, Futaba witnesses the magnificent wingspan of the tenguā¦ as he flies away at the mention of devouring a fellow bird. At least, he tried to but an oni ogre foils his meticulous plan byā¦ grabbing his ear.
āSorry about him. And even more sorry for Ginnojo and Kuro. I know you two were looking forward to the turkey.ā
What even is... you know what, nevermind. Thanks, I guess, and the micās back to you now.
āReally, donāt worry you guys. Itās more like Gin-Gin and I like the story surrounding the turkey in the festivals. The fried chicken just doesnāt have such an interesting story.ā
The gramophone acts up at this precise moment Kuro tries to break the tension. As a wonderful person holds this strangely bulky camera while Gaku rushes to fix the audio camera, he finds that the cause is none other than his own customerā¦ Oji-san with a record-breaking moment. Literally.
āOk, wait, Iāve lived long enough to tell you that isnāt true. Why, I used to tell this story to Aoi when he was a little ladā¦ā
And Oji-san whips outā¦ a shopping list dated 5 years ago. Additionally, the crayon doodles are really adorable alongside the cursive handwriting.
āYup, you told me a shopping list that I wrote down and YOU forgot.ā
ā¦ Edit out my earlier statement.
āYou know what? We have all this fried chicken for me and Aoi to do something AND tell you more about the tale of the fried chicken this time of year.ā
And this folks, is what happened before we come up with the most amazing playā¦
Before we continue this documentary, we would like to thank our sponsors. Koga Kitamikado. This Oni Ogre is tough as nails and nothing ever gets him down!
You can always turn to him when you're in a bind. Aā¦ tender bind.
ā¦ Why is Koga sponsoring this?
Guess he saw somethingā¦ like how we are going to see two ayakashi experiencing the worldās greatest interactive play!
Tonight, Ginnojo and Kuro react to āI Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger-Lickinā Good Dating Simulator!ā. An interactive play scripted by Oji, you, yes you the audience, gets to play as a budding chefā¦
āOoh, Gin-Gin is a good oneā¦ when you know, he doesnāt go bonkers on the ingredients.ā Kuroās chirp is nearly drowned out by the action at the back where we will be observing how our thespians are preparing.
Aoi and Oji have outdone themselves for this. We donāt have every single thing that you can purchase by queuing up but the menu prepared within 4 seconds is well-represented on this table. Sometimes, it is in a 3-piece meal, a few are in the buckets, and you get the overall picture! No double-dipping needed here, the act is too sacrilegious for such a holy beginning. A beginningā¦ that will melt the frost around here.
Warm yourself from the inside. Youāre about to embark on a journey that will end with you sleeping with this warm milk and pot pieā¦.
Thus, these two canāt drink milk. Only eating the pot pie. Weā¦ we need them to actually play this.
āThis is confusing, our journey begins with the ending?ā Kuro asks a question that no one knows the answer to except for Ginnojo,
āAye, a lot of the greatest heroes stumble upon their best stories after the ending of another. I suppose this is what we are trying to get here withā¦ the pot pie?ā
Scepticism is evident even on the usually trusting Kuroās face. Nevertheless, they put their faith in Aoiās culinary skills as they see the smoke still wafting from behind the stage curtains that are really just Kuyaās blankets.Ā
Sure, the decor is a bit tooā¦ reminiscent of a chicken barn. And yet, observe the first bite taken by the Mizuki and theā¦ otherā¦ ayakashi. Creaminess flooding each of their mouths as veggies and fried chicken come together in this glorious, crusted symphony. And at the very end of it all,
āOh my gosh! Itās so good! The chicken, yum! More, please!ā
As they chew contentedly amongst dozens of floatingā¦ chicken and biscuitsā¦ Yura approaches them with the most adorable signboardā¦ and the weirdest customizable one at that. Thatās right, we are featuring the talents of Yura and Aoiā¦ for the second time in the latter's case.
āWelcometh, chef! Bef're we start, bid us thy nameth!ā
Translation: Give us the coolest names you have Ginnojo and Kuro! Note: no explicit language or demeaning words are allowed.
āOooh, letās do a ship name, Gin-Gin!ā
āI dislike ships. Especially the black ones. Why canāt humans just learn to be one with the waves?ā
Thus, comes the most epic name ever.
āLike, Mama + Mon! Because, I dunno, it feels like a mum made this!ā
āThe Mon is an abbreviation of Monday, the day we are watchingā¦ I mean, playing this theatrical game.ā
Shouldā¦ should we tell them?
With the dimming of lights and pot pie nearly finished, Kuro and Ginnojo move on to the chicken wings and munching sounds accompanied the sight of the protagonistā¦ in bed. Since the protagonist is me. Soā¦
Iām taking over the narration from this point onwards. Be grateful. And noteā¦ this is the game. So if itās weirdā¦ do not blame me for it.
Oh hush, and get to your job.
Futaba is buried like one zinger in a tortilla wrap. Until the latest alarm clock that I have built with a custom ringtone goes off with the best sound in the world - that of a happy chicken. Sleep in or wake up? What should they choose?
āIām concerned about the rooster.ā
āYesā¦ but whelp, up and atāem is what Iād say!ā was the only warning the poor alarm clock received before Kuro smacked the robot rooster with the goddamned whip of his, ruining hours and hours and hours ofā¦
Don't be so offended, Gaku, it's just a game.
āWow, I better get ready for my first day at the prestigious University of Cooking School: Academy for Learning!ā Futaba says in a way-too-enthusiastic voice that is almost on Kuroās level when heās drunk.
āOk, so Iām only familiar with Futaba and Aoiās schools but Iām pretty sure no one would want that for a name. Oh! Letās call it Cuddling Chicken School!ā
Case in point because as I speak, Kuro and Ginnojo are now enjoying another treat with cokeā¦ that may or may not have been spiked. The main focus though is the box filled with delicious chicken and named after popcorn.
āThis oneās the most processed. I donāt think I can take another bite. Oh, Kuro? Youāve finished yours?ā
ā... More like you finished yours and mine within a bite.ā
For once, Ginnojo looked more innocent than Kuro was somewhat forlornly staring at his very, very empty container. At least now both could be more invested in theā¦ plot of this play as our main character starts to get changed into a chefās uniform, complete with an apron and a hat. All that is left to do is for her to actually move but she just has to ask,
āHmm, I kinda want to daydream and laze about in bed.ā
Of course, thatās challenging everything a former Shinsengumi member loves and knows so Ginnojo is quick to call my brother over to reject the optionā¦ except that Kuro is a bit more nonchalant about the whole affair.
āDāaww, let her, itās so rare to see her relaxed.ā
āI wonāt deny that a girl her age shouldnāt be concerned with hard matters but Futaba wants to go to school. And I shall support her in her endeavours.ā
āExcept, this isnāt Futaba. Sheās being Mammon remember?ā
And just like that, Ordinary Chef Student protagonist Futaba is late and doesnāt have time to sit and eat a full meal. She grabs a piece of biscuit, fluffyā¦ unlike her missing deodorant.
āI knew she had a price to pay.ā Ginnojoās heavy sigh provoked a gasp of realization from his neighbour,
āAre we going to be fried?ā
By the time she has thrown the biscuit at me, the setting has been changed to the ivory walls of UCS: ALā¦ or the Cuddling Chicken School. And there, awaiting her is the ever-so-perkyā¦ BROTHER?!
He volunteered for the role!
Wow, Iām so proud of him! Wait, should I have auditionedā¦ no, Iām just going to record every moment of this now.
Here comes the bestest friend in the world, Yura!
āMany thanks, brother, but I shall now don the name āMiriamā and ask Mammon here if she is highly anticipating our term of 3 days!ā
Ginnojo does have to voice out one concern that I am sure most viewers will have as well,
"Hold on, they can graduate in 3 days? Youth these days really are picking up new knowledge."
"I want a degree in English in 3 days. If I take the English food course in 3 days, will that count?"
Before Kuro can learn more about this miraculous development in education, Futaba has to continue with her dialogue and actually focus like my brother,
āGood morning Miriam! I'm sureā¦ā
āBecause I most certainly am! Alack, the breakfast I hadst did prepare this morn did not have enough loveā¦ whatever shall I do?ā
As another branch of the game appears, the choice is rather evidentā¦Ā
Finally, sense strikes the two, Kuro furiously slamming the option and poor Nachi as a result. Still, the nekomata behind the Option Board manages to signal to the other actors and Futaba barely adeptly gives my brother a pep talk,
āEver since we were little babies together and you rescued me from that quicksand box, itās been clear to me that youāre the most loving, caring person Iāve known! Your tinyā¦ sweets are definitely going to be a hit!ā
Part of the reason why this speech is not adequate enough is because Futaba is RUDELY interrupted when someone smacks her books and custom-engraved measuring spoons out of her hands and onto the ground.
ā... Aeshleigh.ā Futaba finally spat out, or whether itās from deliberating drawing out the heavy silence to emphasize the sheer tensionā¦ or because she is wonder if Kuya cannot spell Ashley.
āThis is the fancy name. For the fancy Ashley. Aeshleigh who is better than everyone else.ā Ginnojoās attempt at finding the reason for Aoiās character name is ultimately thwarted by Aoi starting to get into character EXTREMELY reluctantly,
āOh, I didnāt see you there, chicken shins.ā
"Her boobs are not parallel at all." came Kuro's deadpan remarkā¦ and Ginnojo choking whilst looking like a boiled lobster. That, or because he is eating the Crispy Version of the Chicken breast.
āKuro! Do not look there!ā
āWhy is she even insulting us for having chicken shins? She has chicken breasts on her thigh socks! Futaba, you should have actually worn chicken shin guards.ā
Don't be so offended, Futaba, it's just a game.
Across the quad, one can see the rivalās best friend, who has stopped to look at his own reflection in the mirror. Pants so tight, anyone can see him casually working out his glutes while he styles his hair. No lie, theyāre rocking glutes belonging only to one Koga.
āDamn, Koga, you cougar go!ā
āIām curious about his hair, itās actually in the shape of a starfish.ā
āDonāt you just mean a star?ā
āThat can work too, I suppose.ā
Sure, the pairing seems weird to the current audience but Aoiā¦ I mean, Aeshleigh continues to sneer at Mammon who is slowly getting up with Miriamās help but quicker with throwing the retort,
āI canāt believe that the University of Cooking School: Academy for Learning would ever allow people like you to attend as students.ā
Except that it completely flies over both bulliesā heads as Aoi delicately laughs with icy cold teal eyes,Ā
āAra ara, so you do know. We should have gotten our diplomas already with these great skills of ours.ā
āOr maybe hire us on as professors. You amateurs could learn a lot from us.ā
With the first day of school about to start, thereās just not enough time to properly tell these two off so everyone else resists the urge. As Mammon and Miriam approach the door, they see a goofy-looking kid pushing hard against the window directly next to it.Ā
āHe would have been completely dislikable if it werenāt for the fact the cutest cub is playing him right now.ā
On a more serious note, could someone like this also be a student at the school? He must be a great chef, with a name tag that clearly says āBobā but there he is, introducing himself as,
āHi! Iām Kogareā¦ Pop! And I think I was supposed to say that I broke this door.ā
ā¦ And now I know why Fox-Face wants a copy of this film while he is attending Part 1 of the New Year Kitsune Festivalā¦
When Mammon easily opens the door, Kogareā¦ or Bobā¦ orā¦ Pop? Just has to tackle her for a big hug and squeal out,Ā
āDāaww!ā should have been everyoneās response but only Kuroās was heard over Ginnojo screeching and of course, an epic debate about expressions of affection,
āGAGH! K-k-kogare! Do not touch a lady like that yet! Or profess something that serious until you are of age!ā
āWhat? No! Hug her like you are squeezing the life out of her!ā
Fortunately, the actors continue the scene. Unfortunately, it is with this line from Kogare Popās mouth that makes you wonder who allowed this writing. Money is on Kuya.
āDid you know my other name āPopā comes from my great-grandfather Pop pop?ā
The critics are not amused, Ginnojo tutting and Kuro making a face like he had just tasted chocolate for the 32nd time,
āDays like these makes me glad I donāt know my lineage.ā
āIs it just me or is that young gentleman cute?ā Miriam tries to note but everyone... and I mean everyone... just has to say,
Miriam and Mammon shrug their shoulders before following Kogare Pop into the building.Ā They stand at the edge of the room, unsure where to sit. Other students wander in and keep themselves busy chit-chatting.
āWhereā¦ is the Colonel we were promised to romance for fried chicken? Even now we are stuck with cheese friesā¦ nothing can make up for these soggyā¦ Oh my gosh, so CUTE!!!ā
Kuro only stops when he sees a scruffy-looking cat taking his place at a podium at the front of the class, the smallest chef hat on his head. Head Instructor and CEO of UCS: AL is here everyone! Nachi taps his paw against the wooden surface to gather attentionā¦ although Kuro is already cooing over the little hat on the nekomataās head and even Ginnojo smiles a bit in approval.
Out of nowhere, the wind begins to rush around everyone as a swirl of cherry blossom petals fill the air inside the classroom despite it being in the middle of winter in Japan. To be more accurate, the petals areā¦ Kuyaās feathers dyed pink much to Kuroās delight,
āNice effects! I kinda wanna play with them now! Guess I better wait for Kuya to fly and leave some behind next time...ā
āWait, the cherry blossoms are blooming for them? Where and when are they?ā
A hushed murmur rolls through the classroom as HE walks down the aisle of desks. Suddenly, the room is sweltering. And thereā¦ we have Oji as the one, the onlyā¦
āIām confusedā¦ are we supposed to find him handsome?ā
āDid Oji just reveal his true aged appearance or did he just dye his hair white?ā
āHis eyeliner is as thick as his actual eyes and even thicker than his actual eyebrows and spectacle frames.ā
All those statements were slowly cracking the fried chicken skin, with Ginnojoās final casual observation really roasting Ojiās self-esteem. Nevertheless, the show must go on with the main chef andā¦ love interest... helping the two audience members crack open the ranch. We shall now divulge in a bit of ASMRā¦ ASMRanch as we massage Colonel Sanderās arm that is as thick as his neck. See how he flexes...
āOH GOD MAKE IT STOP!ā Kuro squirms.
āFUTABA!!! I mean, Mammon, right, Mammonā¦ MAMMON DONāT MIX WITH SUCH FILTH!ā
ā¦ We are changing scenes already? Oh, ok, suit yourself.
Here, he wields the spork, his eyeliner game suddenly alignedā¦
āItā¦ isā¦ rectangular. A rectangular spork.ā
Did that earn aā¦ Kentucky-fried chuckle?
Whatās Kentucky? Also, you broke character.
Think this play is broken. Oh, next scene...
The Colonel makes a delicious array of food items in the cafeteria...
āWhat kind of cafeteria has flowers and a fancy atmosphere?ā
āNot Milk Hall Raccord except for the flowers.ā
The Mac and Cheese falls flat on the ground, along with Ojiās chef hat,
āTHATāS IT! THE COLONEL QUITS!ā
Ok, Iām going to resume while Ginnojo eats the rest of the food Oji has left...
And so, the wisest Satori Seer, on behalf of his boss, buries the abominable script and the actually-kinda-nice-art-if-it-wasn't-about-fried-chicken romance.
Hey, should we bury this camera?
WHAT?! AFTER ALL THAT WEāVE BEEN THROUGH???
Ok, ok, we wonāt. Besides, thereās still Valentine's day if this show hits more than 1 view.
ā¦ Why the 1 view benchmark?
Cusā¦ apparently, there was a dish here that wasnāt revealed here that would work great for a Valentine's Day episode.
ā¦ At least my brother can eat it.
For some reason, we have noticed a foreigner digging up the manuscript. He even paid Oji for it. Said it might be the next biggest thing in America for an even weirder reason?
Ginnojo is still eating the whole menu. Kuro has shared the magic of fried chicken with the rest of the troupe and occassionally, the circus-theatre guest. Unfortunately, it is during one of these stunts that a fried chicken cracked the lens. Even more unfortunate, the grease from the fried chicken seeped through the components and short-circuited everything.Ā
So the only thing hotter than Colonel... is everything. Letās hope we never see anything like this even in the 21st century.Ā
My grandparents sure were naive.
