WTFried Episode 3: KFC Otome Game
Bold: Gaku’s commentary
Italics: Futaba’s commentary
Normal: Official documentary narration (usually in a bad British accent)
Bold and Italicized: Answers/Questions to the… game.
In 1910, the Capital, one man had a dream that he made another man work for. That dream would result in the exclusive Milk Hall. A chic cafe that would serve all manner of dairy-based treats… and making only one exception today. A day where we will reach deep into this bucket of…
Oh, Aoi! This logo is such a cute design!
How did you know it was by him?
Did… did you seriously think it was anybody else?
Point taken... Ms Futaba-rt…
Hush, Gaku. I’m just going to leave the drawing to the actual student.
Since everyone is craving for some turkey this winter, the employee has made the employer fetch some slices of this fine poultry. Everyone at Raccord is getting ready for the tender meat AND the festive season as we ring in the new year of 1911! Featuring buckets with the restaurant’s symbol… an old man!
And speaking of the devil, here he comes without… the turkey but some other manner of bird? Thus, Aoi has prepared to strike, dumping the bucket on the counter with a resounding thud.
“Erm… so remember how I said it was ok if I arrived at the turkey place slightly later than usual…?” A sheepish Oji's question can only be met by Aoi's deadpan conclusive remark,
“They ran out, didn’t they?”
Apparently, that was super insensitive because Oji-san has scrunched up his nose and eyes (the more normal ones) and…
Wait, how did you speak in parentheses?
"Nevermind that, somehow the narration was more offensive than Aoi's accusation." Oji’s fake-sniffling is thankfully interrupted by Aoi shaking the contents of the… replacement.
"I don't think it was harsh enough considering your blunder."
“No… it's just that the turkey place somehow became a chicken place! So the party pack is full of chicken!”
And just like that, the bells at the entrance have stopped ringing just as fast as the front door has been shut. And two hearts are now shattered into a million pieces. Why wouldn’t there be shattered souls after witnessing all hopes of savouring a Western classic slipping down the grease tracks of the fried chicken? The sound of the fat fizzing and splattering was supposed to be a welcomed one, not this… this… tinier bird. In particular, Ginnojo knows that he knows too much. See the look of imagining death and actually experiencing it? And Kuro! He’s pouting in slow motion, head down, shoulders slumped, and with an expression that clearly indicates he’s responding but barely able to because of the sheer despair consuming him… AKA, exactly like a puppy.
...Gaku, don’t zoom in on their faces. I’m already describing it, no need to rub it in.
“Man, I’m sorry you two. I know you guys were looking forward to the turkey.”
“Old Man Oji, it’s ok! I’m just glad everyone is here to feast at least!”
Of course, the most ferocious growl has to refute that statement and it certainly has to come from an even more ferocious beast… Ginnojo’s disappointed stomach. Does he manage to hide the betrayal well with his stoic face though as the two neighbours/besties/??? eye the substitute meats?
Ok, really, there is no way you can tell me you spoke in question marks.
“I apologize too. Honestly, I should have checked beforehand.” Aoi concedes and offers a temporary white flag in the form of a kitchen towel to see the numerous chunks of fried chicken.
Could it be? The magic of fried chicken is soothing wounds of the past? Can the crispy chicken skin really fully resolve the dwindling festive spirit? Will it be just as great as its twin…
“Be at rest, my Lady. I am sure a dollop of sugar or two is enough to fully restore the chicken to a turkey’s high status.”
I’m glad to see that the sugar dispenser I made is being put to such use, brother.
As Yura makes the sugar cookies even more… sugary, Aoi shakes his head,
“What now? We work with fried chicken? I’ve never really experimented with it before.”
“We… do need to finish this supply eventually. Might as well start now.” was all Oji can offer in this dire situation. Just as everyone is heaving a sigh, two majestic heroes arrive with…
A tengu as a sacrifice for the turkey my brother can never savour now. Crows are closer than chicken to turkey.
“Nevermind, ignore him Kuya. Hiya Koga! Sorry you two, but we’ve only got fried chicken...”
And with that, Futaba witnesses the magnificent wingspan of the tengu… as he flies away at the mention of devouring a fellow bird. At least, he tried to but an oni ogre foils his meticulous plan by… grabbing his ear.
“Sorry about him. And even more sorry for Ginnojo and Kuro. I know you two were looking forward to the turkey.”
What even is... you know what, nevermind. Thanks, I guess, and the mic’s back to you now.
“Really, don’t worry you guys. It’s more like Gin-Gin and I like the story surrounding the turkey in the festivals. The fried chicken just doesn’t have such an interesting story.”
The gramophone acts up at this precise moment Kuro tries to break the tension. As a wonderful person holds this strangely bulky camera while Gaku rushes to fix the audio camera, he finds that the cause is none other than his own customer… Oji-san with a record-breaking moment. Literally.
“Ok, wait, I’ve lived long enough to tell you that isn’t true. Why, I used to tell this story to Aoi when he was a little lad…”
And Oji-san whips out… a shopping list dated 5 years ago. Additionally, the crayon doodles are really adorable alongside the cursive handwriting.
“Yup, you told me a shopping list that I wrote down and YOU forgot.”
… Edit out my earlier statement.
“You know what? We have all this fried chicken for me and Aoi to do something AND tell you more about the tale of the fried chicken this time of year.”
And this folks, is what happened before we come up with the most amazing play…
Before we continue this documentary, we would like to thank our sponsors. Koga Kitamikado. This Oni Ogre is tough as nails and nothing ever gets him down!
You can always turn to him when you're in a bind. A… tender bind.
… Why is Koga sponsoring this?
Guess he saw something… like how we are going to see two ayakashi experiencing the world’s greatest interactive play!
Tonight, Ginnojo and Kuro react to ‘I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger-Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator!’. An interactive play scripted by Oji, you, yes you the audience, gets to play as a budding chef…
“Ooh, Gin-Gin is a good one… when you know, he doesn’t go bonkers on the ingredients.” Kuro’s chirp is nearly drowned out by the action at the back where we will be observing how our thespians are preparing.
Aoi and Oji have outdone themselves for this. We don’t have every single thing that you can purchase by queuing up but the menu prepared within 4 seconds is well-represented on this table. Sometimes, it is in a 3-piece meal, a few are in the buckets, and you get the overall picture! No double-dipping needed here, the act is too sacrilegious for such a holy beginning. A beginning… that will melt the frost around here.
Warm yourself from the inside. You’re about to embark on a journey that will end with you sleeping with this warm milk and pot pie….
Thus, these two can’t drink milk. Only eating the pot pie. We… we need them to actually play this.
“This is confusing, our journey begins with the ending?” Kuro asks a question that no one knows the answer to except for Ginnojo,
“Aye, a lot of the greatest heroes stumble upon their best stories after the ending of another. I suppose this is what we are trying to get here with… the pot pie?”
Scepticism is evident even on the usually trusting Kuro’s face. Nevertheless, they put their faith in Aoi’s culinary skills as they see the smoke still wafting from behind the stage curtains that are really just Kuya’s blankets.
Sure, the decor is a bit too… reminiscent of a chicken barn. And yet, observe the first bite taken by the Mizuki and the… other… ayakashi. Creaminess flooding each of their mouths as veggies and fried chicken come together in this glorious, crusted symphony. And at the very end of it all,
“Oh my gosh! It’s so good! The chicken, yum! More, please!”
As they chew contentedly amongst dozens of floating… chicken and biscuits… Yura approaches them with the most adorable signboard… and the weirdest customizable one at that. That’s right, we are featuring the talents of Yura and Aoi… for the second time in the latter's case.
“Welcometh, chef! Bef're we start, bid us thy nameth!”
Translation: Give us the coolest names you have Ginnojo and Kuro! Note: no explicit language or demeaning words are allowed.
“Oooh, let’s do a ship name, Gin-Gin!”
“I dislike ships. Especially the black ones. Why can’t humans just learn to be one with the waves?”
Thus, comes the most epic name ever.
“Like, Mama + Mon! Because, I dunno, it feels like a mum made this!”
“The Mon is an abbreviation of Monday, the day we are watching… I mean, playing this theatrical game.”
Should… should we tell them?
With the dimming of lights and pot pie nearly finished, Kuro and Ginnojo move on to the chicken wings and munching sounds accompanied the sight of the protagonist… in bed. Since the protagonist is me. So…
I’m taking over the narration from this point onwards. Be grateful. And note… this is the game. So if it’s weird… do not blame me for it.
Oh hush, and get to your job.
Futaba is buried like one zinger in a tortilla wrap. Until the latest alarm clock that I have built with a custom ringtone goes off with the best sound in the world - that of a happy chicken. Sleep in or wake up? What should they choose?
“I’m concerned about the rooster.”
“Yes… but whelp, up and at’em is what I’d say!” was the only warning the poor alarm clock received before Kuro smacked the robot rooster with the goddamned whip of his, ruining hours and hours and hours of…
Don't be so offended, Gaku, it's just a game.
“Wow, I better get ready for my first day at the prestigious University of Cooking School: Academy for Learning!” Futaba says in a way-too-enthusiastic voice that is almost on Kuro’s level when he’s drunk.
“Ok, so I’m only familiar with Futaba and Aoi’s schools but I’m pretty sure no one would want that for a name. Oh! Let’s call it Cuddling Chicken School!”
Case in point because as I speak, Kuro and Ginnojo are now enjoying another treat with coke… that may or may not have been spiked. The main focus though is the box filled with delicious chicken and named after popcorn.
“This one’s the most processed. I don’t think I can take another bite. Oh, Kuro? You’ve finished yours?”
“... More like you finished yours and mine within a bite.”
For once, Ginnojo looked more innocent than Kuro was somewhat forlornly staring at his very, very empty container. At least now both could be more invested in the… plot of this play as our main character starts to get changed into a chef’s uniform, complete with an apron and a hat. All that is left to do is for her to actually move but she just has to ask,
“Hmm, I kinda want to daydream and laze about in bed.”
Of course, that’s challenging everything a former Shinsengumi member loves and knows so Ginnojo is quick to call my brother over to reject the option… except that Kuro is a bit more nonchalant about the whole affair.
“D’aww, let her, it’s so rare to see her relaxed.”
“I won’t deny that a girl her age shouldn’t be concerned with hard matters but Futaba wants to go to school. And I shall support her in her endeavours.”
“Except, this isn’t Futaba. She’s being Mammon remember?”
And just like that, Ordinary Chef Student protagonist Futaba is late and doesn’t have time to sit and eat a full meal. She grabs a piece of biscuit, fluffy… unlike her missing deodorant.
“I knew she had a price to pay.” Ginnojo’s heavy sigh provoked a gasp of realization from his neighbour,
“Are we going to be fried?”
By the time she has thrown the biscuit at me, the setting has been changed to the ivory walls of UCS: AL… or the Cuddling Chicken School. And there, awaiting her is the ever-so-perky… BROTHER?!
He volunteered for the role!
Wow, I’m so proud of him! Wait, should I have auditioned… no, I’m just going to record every moment of this now.
Here comes the bestest friend in the world, Yura!
“Many thanks, brother, but I shall now don the name ‘Miriam’ and ask Mammon here if she is highly anticipating our term of 3 days!”
Ginnojo does have to voice out one concern that I am sure most viewers will have as well,
"Hold on, they can graduate in 3 days? Youth these days really are picking up new knowledge."
"I want a degree in English in 3 days. If I take the English food course in 3 days, will that count?"
Before Kuro can learn more about this miraculous development in education, Futaba has to continue with her dialogue and actually focus like my brother,
“Good morning Miriam! I'm sure…”
“Because I most certainly am! Alack, the breakfast I hadst did prepare this morn did not have enough love… whatever shall I do?”
As another branch of the game appears, the choice is rather evident…
Finally, sense strikes the two, Kuro furiously slamming the option and poor Nachi as a result. Still, the nekomata behind the Option Board manages to signal to the other actors and Futaba barely adeptly gives my brother a pep talk,
“Ever since we were little babies together and you rescued me from that quicksand box, it’s been clear to me that you’re the most loving, caring person I’ve known! Your tiny… sweets are definitely going to be a hit!”
Part of the reason why this speech is not adequate enough is because Futaba is RUDELY interrupted when someone smacks her books and custom-engraved measuring spoons out of her hands and onto the ground.
“... Aeshleigh.” Futaba finally spat out, or whether it’s from deliberating drawing out the heavy silence to emphasize the sheer tension… or because she is wonder if Kuya cannot spell Ashley.
“This is the fancy name. For the fancy Ashley. Aeshleigh who is better than everyone else.” Ginnojo’s attempt at finding the reason for Aoi’s character name is ultimately thwarted by Aoi starting to get into character EXTREMELY reluctantly,
“Oh, I didn’t see you there, chicken shins.”
"Her boobs are not parallel at all." came Kuro's deadpan remark… and Ginnojo choking whilst looking like a boiled lobster. That, or because he is eating the Crispy Version of the Chicken breast.
“Kuro! Do not look there!”
“Why is she even insulting us for having chicken shins? She has chicken breasts on her thigh socks! Futaba, you should have actually worn chicken shin guards.”
Don't be so offended, Futaba, it's just a game.
Across the quad, one can see the rival’s best friend, who has stopped to look at his own reflection in the mirror. Pants so tight, anyone can see him casually working out his glutes while he styles his hair. No lie, they’re rocking glutes belonging only to one Koga.
“Damn, Koga, you cougar go!”
“I’m curious about his hair, it’s actually in the shape of a starfish.”
“Don’t you just mean a star?”
“That can work too, I suppose.”
Sure, the pairing seems weird to the current audience but Aoi… I mean, Aeshleigh continues to sneer at Mammon who is slowly getting up with Miriam’s help but quicker with throwing the retort,
“I can’t believe that the University of Cooking School: Academy for Learning would ever allow people like you to attend as students.”
Except that it completely flies over both bullies’ heads as Aoi delicately laughs with icy cold teal eyes,
“Ara ara, so you do know. We should have gotten our diplomas already with these great skills of ours.”
“Or maybe hire us on as professors. You amateurs could learn a lot from us.”
With the first day of school about to start, there’s just not enough time to properly tell these two off so everyone else resists the urge. As Mammon and Miriam approach the door, they see a goofy-looking kid pushing hard against the window directly next to it.
“He would have been completely dislikable if it weren’t for the fact the cutest cub is playing him right now.”
On a more serious note, could someone like this also be a student at the school? He must be a great chef, with a name tag that clearly says ‘Bob’ but there he is, introducing himself as,
“Hi! I’m Kogare… Pop! And I think I was supposed to say that I broke this door.”
… And now I know why Fox-Face wants a copy of this film while he is attending Part 1 of the New Year Kitsune Festival…
When Mammon easily opens the door, Kogare… or Bob… or… Pop? Just has to tackle her for a big hug and squeal out,
“D’aww!” should have been everyone’s response but only Kuro’s was heard over Ginnojo screeching and of course, an epic debate about expressions of affection,
“GAGH! K-k-kogare! Do not touch a lady like that yet! Or profess something that serious until you are of age!”
“What? No! Hug her like you are squeezing the life out of her!”
Fortunately, the actors continue the scene. Unfortunately, it is with this line from Kogare Pop’s mouth that makes you wonder who allowed this writing. Money is on Kuya.
“Did you know my other name ‘Pop’ comes from my great-grandfather Pop pop?”
The critics are not amused, Ginnojo tutting and Kuro making a face like he had just tasted chocolate for the 32nd time,
“Days like these makes me glad I don’t know my lineage.”
“Is it just me or is that young gentleman cute?” Miriam tries to note but everyone... and I mean everyone... just has to say,
Miriam and Mammon shrug their shoulders before following Kogare Pop into the building. They stand at the edge of the room, unsure where to sit. Other students wander in and keep themselves busy chit-chatting.
“Where… is the Colonel we were promised to romance for fried chicken? Even now we are stuck with cheese fries… nothing can make up for these soggy… Oh my gosh, so CUTE!!!”
Kuro only stops when he sees a scruffy-looking cat taking his place at a podium at the front of the class, the smallest chef hat on his head. Head Instructor and CEO of UCS: AL is here everyone! Nachi taps his paw against the wooden surface to gather attention… although Kuro is already cooing over the little hat on the nekomata’s head and even Ginnojo smiles a bit in approval.
Out of nowhere, the wind begins to rush around everyone as a swirl of cherry blossom petals fill the air inside the classroom despite it being in the middle of winter in Japan. To be more accurate, the petals are… Kuya’s feathers dyed pink much to Kuro’s delight,
“Nice effects! I kinda wanna play with them now! Guess I better wait for Kuya to fly and leave some behind next time...”
“Wait, the cherry blossoms are blooming for them? Where and when are they?”
A hushed murmur rolls through the classroom as HE walks down the aisle of desks. Suddenly, the room is sweltering. And there… we have Oji as the one, the only…
“I’m confused… are we supposed to find him handsome?”
“Did Oji just reveal his true aged appearance or did he just dye his hair white?”
“His eyeliner is as thick as his actual eyes and even thicker than his actual eyebrows and spectacle frames.”
All those statements were slowly cracking the fried chicken skin, with Ginnojo’s final casual observation really roasting Oji’s self-esteem. Nevertheless, the show must go on with the main chef and… love interest... helping the two audience members crack open the ranch. We shall now divulge in a bit of ASMR… ASMRanch as we massage Colonel Sander’s arm that is as thick as his neck. See how he flexes...
“OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!” Kuro squirms.
“FUTABA!!! I mean, Mammon, right, Mammon… MAMMON DON’T MIX WITH SUCH FILTH!”
… We are changing scenes already? Oh, ok, suit yourself.
Here, he wields the spork, his eyeliner game suddenly aligned…
“It… is… rectangular. A rectangular spork.”
Did that earn a… Kentucky-fried chuckle?
What’s Kentucky? Also, you broke character.
Think this play is broken. Oh, next scene...
The Colonel makes a delicious array of food items in the cafeteria...
“What kind of cafeteria has flowers and a fancy atmosphere?”
“Not Milk Hall Raccord except for the flowers.”
The Mac and Cheese falls flat on the ground, along with Oji’s chef hat,
“THAT’S IT! THE COLONEL QUITS!”
Ok, I’m going to resume while Ginnojo eats the rest of the food Oji has left...
And so, the wisest Satori Seer, on behalf of his boss, buries the abominable script and the actually-kinda-nice-art-if-it-wasn't-about-fried-chicken romance.
Hey, should we bury this camera?
WHAT?! AFTER ALL THAT WE’VE BEEN THROUGH???
Ok, ok, we won’t. Besides, there’s still Valentine's day if this show hits more than 1 view.
… Why the 1 view benchmark?
Cus… apparently, there was a dish here that wasn’t revealed here that would work great for a Valentine's Day episode.
… At least my brother can eat it.
For some reason, we have noticed a foreigner digging up the manuscript. He even paid Oji for it. Said it might be the next biggest thing in America for an even weirder reason?
Ginnojo is still eating the whole menu. Kuro has shared the magic of fried chicken with the rest of the troupe and occassionally, the circus-theatre guest. Unfortunately, it is during one of these stunts that a fried chicken cracked the lens. Even more unfortunate, the grease from the fried chicken seeped through the components and short-circuited everything.
So the only thing hotter than Colonel... is everything. Let’s hope we never see anything like this even in the 21st century.
My grandparents sure were naive.
