I loved an addict. And in a way, I too became an addict. I was addicted to the thrill. And I was afraid of losing that thrill, and even when things got dangerous or it became obvious what I was doing was stupid, I needed to know that thrill was there. I watched myself hurt everyone I loved, ruined friendships, potential relationships, jobs and even got kicked out of college because of my addiction. Because at the drop of a hat I would run to her and leave everyone and everything else behind with no hesitation. The relationship itself was toxic, she was toxic. I knew it, everyone said it, but it still didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because when I was with her I felt alive. I could tell you with certainty that I was standing before you, that I exist. I felt... there. We would fight each other and hurt each other and push each other away. Turned our friends and our families against each other and against us altogether to the point where no one would ever want to see us together again. WE were toxic. She was addicted to hurting me which then got her addicted to drugs and booze. I was addicted to her. So no matter what she did, I’d come back. And no matter how violently I’d reacted she came back. And it was a vicious circle. I’d love her too much, she’d do something stupid, I’d be hurt, she’d get fucked up to numb the guilt, I’d get mad, she’d get mad and do something mean, I’d cry, she’d be mean, I’d lose my shit, she’d lose hers, World War III, and then the most beautiful making up ever. Passion was never in short supply, it was raw and gritty and obnoxious and I couldn’t escape it nor did I want to escape it. But it was killing me. And it was killing her. I still think about her, and how I don’t ever think I’ll find that same thrill in life, that same excitement. The flock of birds in my stomach when I saw her, the rush I got when I touched her. It was fear and passion and pain and anger and the most pure and unconditional love I’ve ever had for someone and it’s over. It’s gone. And I’ve moved on. I’m happy, without her. But it still haunts me. Those 7 years. The girl that helped me find me and the woman she’s sure to have become. We were so young and stupid but I would have never seen me without her.