I TOTALLY MISSED THIS IN THE EPISODE.
What was up with me last night? I missed like 4 things. Weird. Off my game folks. Happens to us all I suppose.
This means that the Pen Proposal memory was FELICITY’S flashback, not Oliver’s. His flashbacks were the Claybourne flashbacks and with Diggle. It’s interesting that Felicity looks to the pen and recalls an early encounter with Oliver. He’s asking for a favor with his terrible lies. It’s a simple moment. She uses those “magic fingers” to search the internet.
Curtis told Paul he’s never felt more alive when he’s fighting on the street as a vigilante. Felicity Smoak doesn’t need the mask for that feeling. She gets it behind the computer, helping the team… helping people… helping Oliver.
Oliver’s request is a menial task and yet… she’s never felt more alive. Curtis says that he has to be true to who he is. Felicity immediately looks at the pen and recalls the moment when A) She’s helping Oliver B) He says he believes in her. This is what Oliver represents to Felicity. The moment he entered her life, he touched something deep inside of her. It ignited a desire, and a fire, she didn’t know she had. Felicity has never felt more true to herself than when she’s with Oliver Queen.
It’s important to note that Billy, just before leaving to hunt down Prometheus, says the exact same thing. He has to be true to who he is. The hesitation and doubt in Felicity’s eyes in both scenes with Curtis and Billy should immediately lead us to ask… “Is Felicity being true to who she is?” The answer, of course, is no.
After the break up with Oliver and Havenrock, Felicity constructed a reality in which everything looks normal, everything looks fine… but it isn’t. She’s clung to that reality, quipping her way through 5A (a classic Felicity Smoak defensive mechanism). It’s left many to wonder, “Where is Felicity Smoak?” Yes, we love funny Felicity but she’s almost seemed a shell of who she use to be.
It can be difficult to decide if it’s intentional on the writers part or if they are just back burning the character so there can be increased focus on Oliver Queen. Let’s glass half full this mother, cause that’s how we roll on Something To Live For, and say that “Shell Felicity” is an intentional writing choice. These walls Felicity has constructed so everything in her world feels normal so she feels normal are simply a cover for the emotional turmoil she’s experiencing.
Havenrock is still a factor. I think Felicity is still suffering from PTSD. Whether or not Arrow is going to address that further remains to be seen. The scenes with Rory were palpable and important, but I think they were a little too Rory focused.
In any event, Billy was a very important part of Felicity’s “normal reality.” It’s not a coincidence that Oliver asked Felicity if what she had with Billy is real… and she hesitated. She couldn’t answer because deep down Felicity knows it’s not. It’s not just that what she feels for Billy pales in comparison to Oliver. It’s that when she’s with Billy, in this “normal life,” Felicity doesn’t feel true to herself.
Does she take the blue pill or the red pill? For a time, Felicity has taken the blue pill with Billy. It has been the happy illusion. The illusion of happiness allowed Felicity to convince herself she was okay. However, Felicity can sense that something is missing. She may think she’s happy, but life isn’t full.
In a way, Billy is Felicity’s own version of the alien dream world Oliver visited. Oliver’s trip down “It’s A Wonderful Life” was his blue pill. He was happy, but he knew it wasn’t real. Instead, he chose to take the red pill - the painful reality. As he shared a beer with Barry, who also experienced his own illusion of perfection in Flashpoint, they realized that even when they erased all the pain in their life they still didn’t feel whole. They were happy, but life wasn’t full. There was something still missing.
The thing about pain is that as difficult as it is to endure it often leads to some of the greatest lessons you’ll ever learn. Your losses form you as much as your successes. Your pain becomes a part of who you are as much as your joy. In fact, it makes joy feel more vibrant because you know the other end of the spectrum.
It’s why you play “It’s A Wonderful Life.” It’s so you learn that the pain you’ve experienced and endured has often led to many wonderful things in your life. That pain has led you to a life you couldn’t even imagine. It’s the ying and yang of a life well lived. It’s how we find the balance. It’s how we endure what we’ve lost.
Barry and Oliver learned that when they erased those losses, when they gained back their loved ones, there were still things missing. There were still things they lost. Friendships, love and… a purpose worth living for. That’s why they both said life didn’t feel full. It’s because it wasn’t. Whenever something is gained… something else is lost. Life always finds the balance.
In the end, Oliver chose his painful reality. He understands on a deeper level how it molded him into the man he is today. He understands on a deeper level that as much as that pain and loss took it also gave him something back. Oliver chose life as the Green Arrow because he was heroic and selfless, but also because he was being true to who he was. Pain is apart of him. He’s accepted it and that’s how he’ll live with it. That’s how he’ll build a life he wouldn’t trade for anything. Then and only then will he achieve REAL happiness. Instead of just an illusion of it.
Felicity is on a similar path I believe. Only, she doesn’t have aliens constructing the illusion for her. She’s done it for herself. Now that Billy is dead a vital piece of that illusion is gone. It may force Felicity to start dealing with some of her emotional turmoil on a deeper level (God willing if Arrow chooses to actually show it.)
So, how does Felicity be true to herself? Well, for one, her life simply cannot be about Team Arrow. Felicity Smoak is meant for great things and that’s not limited to Team Arrow. I think our girl has to start her company and live her greatness not just at night, but in the light of day as well.
Oliver Queen will forever and always be Felicity’s red pill. Life with him is not easy. He’s hurt her badly. So badly that Felicity couldn’t see beyond the pain. She also feared that Oliver would never stop hurting her. These are valid concerns and I don’t blame Felicity for breaking up with Oliver.
It’s just closing the door forever on him that I have a beef with and I think Felicity is beginning to question it too. Oliver escaped the aliens in part because he was following the cues towards Felicity. She was the yellow brick road leading him home. All of Oliver’s experiences with Laurel were tied to his subconscious memories with Felicity. He chose what is real, even though it’s painful and broke and imperfect. He subconsciously chose Felicity and he came home.
Felicity’s subconscious is triggering the same in her. When she thinks back on when she feels true to herself, Felicity immediately goes to a memory of Oliver Queen. It’s not just any memory. It’s one in which there’s a promise of something, on bended knee, even if neither can really comprehend or understand what that something is. They weren’t ready to then, but that doesn’t mean the feeling was any less real.
Felicity has to answer the question for herself this year just like Oliver does - who am I? What is my legacy? What makes me feel alive? How can I be true to who I am? The answers are not all wrapped up in Oliver for Felicity just like all the answers are not all wrapped in Felicity for Oliver. Oliver is carving out a legacy, as mayor and Green Arrow, that honors his father but also expands beyond him. Then, when Oliver has done that, when he’s become that man… I think he’ll be ready to embrace the love that makes him feel most true to himself.
Felicity must do the same. She must find her legacy as well - beyond Oliver Queen and Team Arrow. Although, they are certainly apart of it. But just like Oliver wants to define himself beyond his father Robert Queen, I believe Felicity has a desire to define herself beyond Oliver Queen. Hence, my sincerest hope Smoak Technologies is coming.
Yet, Oliver is a crucial piece to Felicity feeling alive. He is a crucial piece to Felicity true to herself. When Felicity is loving Oliver she is the best version of herself. The same goes for Oliver. That doesn’t mean the love is perfect. That doesn’t mean that there won’t be mistakes. That doesn’t mean there won’t be pain. However, their love is what is real. The pain and the joy are the ying and yang of life. It is what makes life full. If Felicity isn’t with Oliver, something will always be missing. No matter what is gained, something infinitely precious is also lost. I think slowly, but surely Felicity is starting to realize that. It makes living with the pain of past mistakes easier and the road to forgiveness more clear.
