The Mind Of A Unique Man

Aaron 24 Gay 🌈 Alcoholic in recovery Instagram: Azzmang Snapchat: Thegoonking2017

[anxietyproblem]

[azzfacemang]

Being sober is really fucking lonely. That’s the tea.

[j-levi-deactivated20140629]

I just want to be muscular and walk around naked all the time.

[azzfacemang]

I need to vent.

My brain is telling me to start drinking and doing drugs again. Not because I’m sad, depressed anxious or anything like that, but because I want to party.

So now I need to figure out what I’m missing in my life to make me want to party, get high off cocaine and drink fuckloads of alcohol.

I’m not even a party person nor do I socialise (I’ve socialised 5 times in 12 months) so what the fuck?!

Recovery can eat a dick. I’m so over this fucking bullshit addiction shit.

[notursneverwasx]

Lake house, fit wife and however many dogs she wants.

[whitepeopletwitter]

[azzfacemang]

Literally...

[thepersonalquotes]

[oldfarmhousefallfeatures]

a word to inspire🌿

[azzfacemang]

Ive been having this feeling lately. I don’t know if it’s depression, sadness, just boredom, I dunno... but I know whatever the feeling I’m having is because I’m so bored with my life. I work 3 days a week (casual) at a job I enjoy but don’t feel satisfied with, and on my days off I stay home and stare at the ceiling because I’m bored and have nothing. Socialising is hard for me, it always has been, which is why I used to drink but I don’t drink anymore which means I don’t socialise. I do however have a PT at gym starting next Tuesday so my days off will involve gym. But I’m just not satisfied with life, I’m missing so much, and I know I need to get out there and get the things I’m missing, but I don’t know how to. I’m starting to hate life again, which means I’m spiralling again. I’m scared.

[poemswords]

“I have survived. I am here. Confused, screwed up, but here.”

—

[azzfacemang]

I can’t handle recovery anymore

I just want to drink. I just want the cravings to go. I just want to sleep without dreaming of intoxication. I just want to live my life and not have to be constantly burdened by constant thoughts of recovery or alcohol or anything that can alter my mind. I want to give in but I don’t want to give in. I want to cry but my body won’t let me cry. I literally haven’t cried since I was last drunk 8 months ago. I sit with feelings and emotions and can’t get them out because I can’t cry. My mind is playing these fucking tricks on me and it’s making me go crazy.

I don’t want this life anymore. I want to feel free. I want so much more for myself but I don’t have it. I’m 25 next month, still live at home with mum (who is an active alcoholic), I work 3 days a week because work can’t offer me more shifts, I’m too scared to date or be in a relationship because of trauma, I want to perform and sing but I can’t find anywhere to perform without the presence of alcohol, I want to move out but don’t make enough money for it, I want to help other young people through addiction but I’m not healthy enough myself, I just can’t and don’t want to do this anymore and I’m so lost.

A lot of this probably didn’t make sense but that’s because I’m just typing as my mind thinks and not stopping regardless of spelling or whatever. I just need to let it out. I almost drank today. I was told recovery gets better over time but I’m almost 8 months sober and it’s getting harder and harder and I don’t know how much longer I can hold onto sobriety. What the fuck is wrong with me. I’m so sick. I feel like I need to be locked up somewhere, throw the key away and let me rot so I don’t have to deal with these thoughts of alcohol and sobriety and recovery and everything constantly. I’m so lonely. I’m so out of place. I’m so lost. Fuck sake what is wrong with me.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“I have endured. I have been broken. I have known hardship. I have lost myself. But here I stand, still moving forward, growing stronger each day.”

— Unknown

[azzfacemang]

Feelings about relationships

Whenever I watch a movie with even just one romantic scene, my heart pounds and aches for that feeling myself but straight after that feeling is gone my thoughts take control and say “don’t do it, you can’t do it”. It’s like I’m self sabotaging my chance for a loving and special relationship. I don’t know why either. Like I don’t know if it’s because of the trauma from my last relationship or if it’s because I’m a different person. Maybe it’s because I’m sober now. Maybe it’s because I can’t handle the emotion. I have no idea, but it sucks.

[azzfacemang]

Before I went into Detox —— 7 months sober 💕

[azzfacemang]

I don’t know why this is happening but the first 3 months or so of sobriety was easy for me. I’m almost 6 months sober and I’m struggling more and more each day.

Tomorrow I’m expecting a call from the drug and alcohol service I used to see. I’m hoping they can get me in ASAP so I can get some help. I’m really struggling now.

[azzfacemang]

Today was rough.

Today my family had a big lunch for an aunties 60th. It was a great day, but for a recovering alcoholic (A.K.A ME!) it was the roughest day I’ve had in my almost 6 months of sobriety. It was at a pub/rsl, alcohol was everywhere. The cravings were so insane I thought I was going crazy, like I felt like I was about to hallucinate or something it was some freaking shit. I’m proud of myself for getting through it but I never in a million years thought it would get THAT bad the cravings.

[azzfacemang]

Late night thoughts.

Honestly I just needed somewhere to write out my thoughts right now and had no idea where else to do it so, here I am.

Late at night I’ve been getting this emotional feeling and I can’t quite describe it, but I’m going to write what it is about.

I’m still very damaged from my last relationship (ended 2 years ago) that was extremely toxic, abusive, alcohol fuelled and scary. I haven’t wanted a relationship since. But lately, at night, I’ve been craving human touch. Like cuddling and affection, kissing and holding hands, but that’s it. I miss that part of a relationship. Feeling safe in someone’s arms, having a giggle, watching a movie and being all cute. I can’t do it though. I’m too scared about relationships. I’m too worried I won’t deal with arguments, I’m too scared I’ll be constantly questioning my feelings, too fearful it would set of the depression I no longer deal with but like bring it back on.

What the fuck. Ugh.