Am I Really Just A Teenage Dirtbag, Baby?

If the moon smiled, she would resemble you. You leave the same impression; of something beautiful, but annihilating.

[jmstormquotes]

[heathens-and-kings]

“I want to speak to a manager,” the middle-aged woman said in her stern I-used-to-be-a-soccer-mom-ten-years-ago voice, looking down at me over the top of her Gucci reading glasses.

A wicked grin split across my face and the gates of Hell opened up behind me, releasing a gust of blistering wind that whipped my apron around my body and forced the woman to shield her face. Demons came forth, dancing around in flames with songs of, “She wants to speak to a manager. Did you hear that? She wants to speak to a manager!” before erupting into earsplitting shrieks of laughter, none louder than my own cackling.

I took in the woman’s look of utter horror before my eyes rolled back into my skull and I growled,

“I am the manager.”

[heathens-and-kings]

As this has hit 10k, I will now chronicle a few of my favorite responses.

[almaza-deactivated20160914]

if you’re a man, i’m not interested in hearing your critiques on how superficial and obsessed women are with beauty. discuss instead how patriarchy created a society that resulted in women placing their entire self-worth on their appearances and how you, as a man, can change a culture that produces that. 

[languageoclock]

concept: me, speaking a foreign language, my pronunciation is perfect and my accent is indistinguishable from that of a native speaker. I am able to pepper my speech with slang and idioms and I can express subtle differences in meaning with ease. I have extensive knowledge of grammar and technical terms and produce well structured analyses of literature using correct writing conventions.

[omgelenawaldorf]

[mihstakes]

 m i h s t a k e s 

[perrfectly]

[teeashirts]

[corporation-cats]

[sentimientos-ocultos-so-deactiv]

ni

[thebigshon]

[erosboi-deactivated20130619]

[aconitemare]

Things I’ll never tire of: • pads being called “feminine napkins”

• shaving commercials for women where their legs are completely hairless before the razor even touches them

• paper towel commercials where the father bursts through the door with his son, tracking mud everywhere and breaking something, and the mother smiles fondly and cleans by herself

• kids’ protein shake commercials where the six year old refuses to eat his dinner and the mother smiles fondly and?? replaces his dinner?? with a drink??

• shoe commercials where a bunch of women are screaming hysterically and thus making me associate that company with agonizing shrieks

• cake toppers where the bride is dragging the groom because nothing says love and devotion like hatred and regret. these people are going into marriage expecting and even enjoying the idea that they’re not happy.

• bumper stickers that insult the person behind you because for some reason you really want to file all that paperwork when some inevitable idiot rear ends you out of spite

• when teachers divide girls and boys during class discussion, generalizing their opinions by gender, so that they basically discourage anyone from entering the conversation with the goal of understanding each other. now you have spoken for people you never asked the opinion of, as well as made sure that guys feel it’s okay to dismiss the perspective of women and vice versa. education = ignorance after all

• diet Dr. Pepper for men

[georgia-dream]

if your boyfriend is your best friend, you’re doing it right.

if your boyfriend is your only friend, you’re doing it wrong.

[itsb0sstime]

THANK. YOU.

[tastefullyoffensive]

[fawnmother1-deactivated20161019]

[me vaguing about myself] and SOME of us, are just never going to get our shit together

[slapdashing]

Photo typophile

[howtocan]

Baby bird season is incoming and I’d like to remind everyone that birds do not have a significant sense of smell. Bird parents will not reject birdlets because you have handled them.

If you see smol birbs with few or no feathers on the ground, you can safely put them back into their nest, bird parents will still care for them.

If you see smol birbs with some or most feathers on the ground, please leave them there, as bird parents are probably nearby watching and feeding.

[jumpingjacktrash]

nakey bird = accidentally fell out, is cold and scared, put back in nest! if you can’t reach the nest, try to put it on a wide branch or fork so predators can’t get at it as easily.

scruffy feather bird = starting to try the fly thing, not very good at it. only put in nest/branch if predators abound, i.e. you have four outdoor cats and they’re licking their chops.

fluffy feather bird = smol fly guy! do nothing. can probably get away from predators and will flip its shit if you pick it up.

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Reblogging this because I’d always heard the ‘Don’t touch a distressed bird its mom will reject it’ thing treated as fact before now, I didn’t realise it wasn’t true…

[sjkozak92-deactivated20200121]

@arudetrans

[banfred]