Awful Homestuck Ships

Do you crave juicy smut of a terrible Homestuck ship, but get ridiculed for it or aren't able to find material for it? Shhhh. It's okay. It's better now. You can enjoy the contents of this blog in clandestine. You just didn't get this from us. But seriously, request a ship in our ask, and we'll draw a comic or picture of them. It has to be Homestuck. At least, for now. And yes, it actually has to be an awful ship. If it's not bad enough, we'll reject it. So basically, crack ships that don't make any sense whatsoever, like Doc Scratch and Dirk Strider. They even have the same initials, which is always a sign of destined love! Mmmmm, steamy. When you request a ship, our material won't be a disaster. It will be a beautiful disaster. In other words, we'll go out of our way to show why that ship is awful yet beautiful yet AWFUL. There are two mods btw. One is Lord English (meeee) and the other is just a hipster prep (aka my EX-kismesis....< / 3 < ). Before anyone gets offended, this blog isn't intended to hate on any ships. It's just to have fun! It's not a hate blog by any means. If a ship you legitimately ship ends up here, try to think of it this way: we're also showing how it can work and be beautiful.

[badshipsrus]

Wow

93 followers and almost 50 submissions! :0

I’m not sure what drew you guys to this blog, but we’re glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the support! :D

Obviously, this blog has been inactive for quite awhile. Unfortunately, we will probably be unable to make comics or drawings for all of those requests.

BUT I won’t close this blog down. On the off chance I have both free time and the will to draw for this blog sometime in the future, there’s a slim possibility I could fulfill some requests. Preference has gone to first come before, but now it will be based off on what I think would be the funniest.

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

roxy x lord english

i was roxy.

WERE MAKING IT HAPEN

– CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] it lands on LE – CTG: ………………………………. CLE: HELLO. CGG: oooooooooooooo – CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] cringes – CTG: … CCT: D–>You can always pass CTG: you know what CTG: /walks over to LE – CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] walks over to LE – CEB: roxy nooooo – CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] stands up high and kisses his forehead – – CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] chokes – CLE: WOW  CLE: THANK YOU CLE: THAT WAS CLE: HEARTWARMING CTG: ur not that bad if we actually get to know you CCT: D–>… – CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] claps – – CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] sighs – CEB: . CLE: CAN I HUG YOU ROXY? CEB: ok – CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] shrugs – – CURRENT lordEnglish [CLE] Hugs Roxy –

ur welcome

This blog last been dead for 24 years, and so this submission must have also been here for 24 years, but oml this is wonderful. <3 Thanks for submitting this! :D

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

Hey, could I get like, either a fic or a picture of Caliborn <3 Porrim, well. Either that, or <3<. If it's already been requested, or you just don't fancy doing it, perhaps LE / Jade? I don't personally mind what happens with the second one. Merci!

Yeah, let’s do a fanfic of CalibornxPorrim! >;D

SNAKEBITE. That’s the ship name. I know Porrim doesn’t have a snake bite, but she’s all about piercings, and Caliborn can turn into a snake. So yeah. :p

Hot stuff under the cut~

~Lord English

The Jade blooded troll placed a hand on her hip as she studied the freak of nature in front of her. A green skull…thing.

“OH FUCK. WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. A BITCH STANDING IN FRONT OF ME. DOING THE ONLY THING BITCHES ARE GOOD FOR. STANDING AROUND. AND LOOKING ABSOLUTELY *DISGUSTING*. PURELY FOR THE MALE’S ENJOYMENT. OF COURSE,” the green skeleton squaked.

Porrim’s blood boiled. Nothing got her all fussy and bothered more than a misogynist, and it did not make her fussy and bothered in the fun way. Only in the rage way.

Yet the giant, glassy red eyes beckoned.

A mischievous smile grew on her face.

“Well, aren’t yo+u  an ado+rable thing,” Porrim teased.

“NO. FUCK YOU! I AM NOT CUTE. I AM AS MANLY. AND HANDSOME. AND BADASS. AS HELL,” Caliborn shouted.

Porrim giggled fakely. “If yo+u wish, sweet-cheeks,” she replied with a wink. She felt sick just saying it.

Caliborn’s cheeks turned a brighter red, and he stomped his feet and threw his arms around. “NOT IN THAT WAY. YOU NASTY WHORE. FUCK YOU AS IN I HOPE YOU DIE. IN A PAINFUL WAY.”

“O+h, every mo+ment I’m with yo+u, I am in ago+ny fro+m ho+w my heart trembles so+. If yo+u do+n’t leave no+w, I will die fro+m Explo+ding Heart Syndro+me.”

Caliborn rolled his eyes. “I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR BULLSHIT. WELL. ACTUALLY I DO. BUT I DON’T WANT TO USE IT ON THAT. AND NEVER SPEAK LIKE THAT AGAIN.”

Porrim wiped a nonexistent tear from her eye. “O+h, it is very real and very rare. It’s exclusive to+ tro+lls. And I’m…” Porrim sniffled, “…extremely suspectable to+ it. I can never cuddle witho+ut being ho+spitalized.”

“I’M STILL NOT FALLING FOR IT. YOU OBTUSE FUCK. I WANT YOU TO PROVE IT. SO I CAN SEE YOU FAIL HORRIBLY. AND I CAN MOCK YOU.  OR SEE YOU BE SUCCESSFUL. AND THEN DIE.”

“It will require a display o+f affectio+n o+n yo+u,” Porrim informed. She frowned and held her chin. “I do+n’t kno+w if yo+u… co+uld handle it… witho+ut pissing yo+urself.”

“DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE I FUCK? I CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING.”

She leaned down and planted a peck on Caliborn’s red cheek.

“AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH IT BURNS!” Caliborn cried. It burned for her too.

Porrim laughed, for real this time.

“How do+es it feel, being to+ld yo+ur existence is fo+r o+nly so+meo+ne else’s enjo+yment, and never being taken serio+usly?”

“I DON’T KNOW. NO ONE TOLD ME THAT. DUMBASS.”

“Actually, I am do+ing so+ right no+w.”

She tried to ruffle the short skeleton’s hair, except that he didn’t have any, so she just kind of rubbed his bald head awkwardly.

He thrusted his pointer finger in her face. “ONE DAY. I WILL BRUTALLY MURDER YOU.”

Uncontrollable laughter bursted from Porrim. She knew one day he’d be Lord English and all…but for now, she couldn’t take him seriously if her afterlife depended on it. He looked like a puppybeast trying to look threatening.

“Yo+u have fun do+ing that, muffincake,” she said.

He screamed predicatively.

“Why are yo+u still here, if this is such to+rture fo+r yo+u?” Porrim added.

Caliborn crossed his arms and looked down. He didn’t say anything, but he did made weird grunting noises.

She narrowed her eyes. “Yo+u like me, do+n’t yo+u?” she said with a grin.

“I LIKE MAKING YOUR EXISTENCE MORE HORRID. THAN IT ALREADY IS,” he replied with even brighter red cheeks.

“Well, I am go+ing to+ watch a mo+vie no+w, a feminist o+ne. Yo+u can tag alo+ng if yo+u want.”

Although she was fully aware he would be a horrible, murderous monster in the future with no hopes of being a minimally decent person, she could fully appreciate him being a goofy entertaining companion in the present.

[badshipsrus]

Meenah and Lemonsnout (or any kind of scalemate)

This is “Fish Scale”!! (You have no idea how excited I was to name this ship.)~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

OH WAIT SIR/MADAM I UNDERSTAnd that its the juju eye thing oh god i am so sorry if i hurt you in anyway with my rude words

Nah, you’re good! :D <3 You have an excellent day!

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

WHY DOES YOUR BACKGROUND CAILBORN HAVE YELLOW_ISH BROWN EYES

Because the pictures are really small, so the green n red blend in. :0 I should probably change it sometime...

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

Can you do fanfiction too?

Sure, why not?

Make sure to specify that you want one! Otherwise we’ll just assume you want a picture or comic.

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

Calliope and Gamzee

Cinnamon roll vs sinamon roll

Who will win?????

The ship name is “fan club”! 

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

Serenity (twinkly Herbert) and the Handmaid in a Matespriteship

Haha bet you weren’t expecting this, since we haven’t updated in so long. :p

This ship name is “Time Flies”!

Serenity/Twinkly Herbert: “Your eyes are an ocean. Your breasts are also an ocean.”

The Handmaid: “lol i’d tap that”

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

Dirk <3 < Jade ( grimbark) :3

I actually looked up “dog puns” and “dog jokes” for this, so the second joke isn’t mine. The ship name is “my little boney”!

~L.E.

[badshipsrus]

WV and Meulin

Here it is— sorry it took so long! The ship name is “CAN’T town” or “vwv”!

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

*pleasure

Sick beats, bro. This is the name.

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

how about Calliope and the mayor

Sorry about the wait! DX

This ship is called “UUV”. :p

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

Sorry this took so long!

Their ship name is "3 blind mice", since Trace is all about threes and then there's Terezi.

Want to see more comics or drawings of more ships like this? Then don't be afraid to request them!

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

In celebration of the update. <3

No, we haven't forgotten about your requests! We'll get to them very soon. This didn't take very long and we want to make sure you get the best (worst) ship art ever.

This isn't really a crack ship, since it's CANON (no I don't care if it didn't actually happen shhhh) but how could we not?!

Feel free to make requests!

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

Cronus is the titan/lord of time in Greek mythology....so you really couldn't have picked a better ship. Ever. <3

The ship name is "time lords" for obvious reasons.

~Lord English

[badshipsrus]

There’s no dialogue. There’s just awkward silence.

I went to the random page generator on the MSPA wiki and this is what I got.

IT’S PERFECT.

Headcanon: John’s dad never tried to connect to him through clowns. He just had a clown fetish.

Their ship is “funny business".

~Lord English

(It didn't show up in the tags last time. I know this blog is new, but it could also be because I MIGHT have added the tags after I posted this. It's worth another shot. It's not like this is spamming anyone, since no one could see it in the first place. -__-)