Charlie and Alastor’s Honeymoon part 2.
Lucifer gets into bed with his wife looking very pleased with himself.
Lilith: What’s got you in such a good mood tonight? Could it be that you’ve finally accepted our daughter’s marriage to the radio demon?
Lucifer: No. I just realized that it won’t be long before Charlie files for a divorce. Might happen tonight even.
Lilith: What are you talking about?
Lucifer: Well as you know our son in-law is a little skittish about sex, and in his eagerness to marry our daughter, he probably forgot what happens within a marriage.
Lilith: You mean consummation?
Lucifer: Correct but he’ll never be able to do it. It’s too uncomfortable for him, and no marriage can work without sex. I predict they’ll be divorced before the year is out.
Lilith: Unless of course he gets over his discomfort.
Lucifer: Not possible, I gave Charlie a manual to give him and it was very descriptive. He’ll probably spend the entire night sleeping on the bathroom floor.
Lilith: You mean like you did, our first time?
Lucifer: Hey I was drunk and I passed out. I didn’t wimp out. And when he does wimp out, Charlie will realize he’s pathetic and leave him.
Lilith: Insulting a man’s dignity in front of his wife, that’s low. I swear Luci, even by Hell’s standards you’re twisted. And sometimes I find that attractive, but not now.
Lucifer: Oh I wish I could have seen the look on his face when he realized he couldn’t perform. Oh well I’ll just settle for this.
He calls for an imp servant to bring him the telephone. Lucifer proceeds to dial a number.
Lilith: Now what are you doing?
Lucifer: Calling Charlie to see how well my plan worked.
Lilith: Don’t do that! What if they’re…You know.
Lucifer: Not likely. I’m willing to bet that she’s lying in bed, alone, and wide awake.
A phone on the nightstand rings, next to the nightstand two figures are moving about underneath bed covers.
Alastor: (Chuckles) Mating season for deer comes early this year Darling.
Charlie: (Giggles) Well this deer better be monogamous.
Charlie: Who could that be?
Charlie comes up from the covers and picks up the phone. Alastor then comes up and starts kissing her free hand.
Charlie: (Breathy) Hello?…Daddy? Why are you calling?
Alastor starts planting kisses on her arm, making his way upward.
Charlie: Oh no everything’s fine…Well the marriage manual did make him feel a little uncomfortable but we talked it over and it actually helped him…Yes it did. Now he’s very- Oh!
She breaks out into a fit of giggles as he starts kissing her neck.
Charlie: Alastor stop it. I’m on the phone.
But he just moves her hair aside and keeps kissing her neck and nibbling on her ear.
Charlie: (Giggles) Look Daddy I have to go now. But thank you for the manual.
Charlie hangs up and Alastor pulls the covers over them. On the other side of the line, Lucifer has a look of sheer horror on his face.
Lilith: I take it things didn’t go according to plan?
Lucifer: The bastard was practically fornicating with her.
Imp servant: (Whispers) I don’t blame him, that princess is a real fine piece of work.
Lucifer glares at the servant and sends him flying out the window.
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