the vibes are bad here @badvibeskartel - Tumblr Blog

for future ref

i just know when i've moved on/past this event, i'm gonna re read my posts and be soooo embarrassed BUT BRO (me to me) you're allowing yourself space to feel and express - there's nothing embarrasing about it ok (but if you're gonna be anyways, try to keep it minimal)

happy deathiversary

i think this should be an official word in the dictionary

anyways 9 years down, the rest of my life to go ha

i cried a bit- that was weird- still processing

i don't like reminding my friends about it but i do like it when they remember of their own accord so shoutout to those who did

i have an exam tomorrow so obviously i did no revison for it today

3 days later

yeah so i never went back to that post lol but i've spoken about the conversation to my friends and yeah whatever

yesterday, despite seeing her and having to be in her vicinity, i actually had an okay day! nothing special happened i just felt OK - i was speaking to daniel and he mentioned that i sounded in better spirits

today i was trying to follow the timeline of them pamming in october and i honestly truly am mindboggled bc we were almost constantly texting or with each other irl so WHEN, unless he was lying in the texts which is probably what it was, that is very fugazy to me bc just tell the truth and shame the devil ??

but anyways respecting myself and ignoring any and all urges to text him

wellp i did it and what did i gain????

finally facetimed him and big sighs all round

idk how but i feel numb and impossibly sad at the same time

idk what i expected truly, idek what to type! whew i'm gonna come back to this later

im resisting the urge to cause myself physical pain- which is so very annoying, im keeping my hands occupied by typing - i was accidentally (kinda) unsuccessful

#i miss my best friend

what's the word for when you do things that you know will cause you emotional pain

me this morning

me to me

i'm sick of myself, brooo stop spinning out

darkmatters-world

898-deactivated20210515

I’m always on here…oversharing…cliking like

#lmao meeee #only because none of my friends are on here

amnesiaguy

reblog this post and put in the tags a song you wish you could hear for the first time again

#found jacob banks #if i was crying somebody i would cry

yesterday

so i decided i was going to speak to him (i know; big turn around), i texted early evening saying" erm (this was to highlight my hesitation) when you have time lets talk" now normal textiquette dictates that a response of some sorts (esp when both parties know its not a friendly chat) so tell me why this nigga just ups and calls me (re-calling it is giving anxiet) no warning whatsoever; i obviously decline for various reasons

1) i was studying with my friends at an ice cream place- not in my home which would be the ideal environment but the emphasis is that i was with people- now he would know if he texted first

2) i wasnt ready, i would've like some time to catch my breath before talking to him

3) i really was making a valiant attempt at studying- which he ruined

anyways i declined the call and texted saying that EYE would call! he also called on facetime audio but i want him to look me in the eye so when i call it will be a video call sitch! we rescheduled to thursday- it really felt like i was emailing a colleague which was so weird and sad bc that was my best friend (hate it here)

the way i was vibrating after loool like a shaking somebody - couldnt focus properly on my essay

i still can't believe how turned around my life has become- still shocked and horrified; whodathunk

#also still can't believe i've been turned into a journaling person

decisions have been made

im probably gonna talk to him bc there's no reason why i should be doing my own head in when the perpeTRAITOR is right there

this is gonna suck ass

much like everything does these days

#this sucks ass

this sucks ass

i cant believe its only been a week, it feels like months; esp because this is people that i'm used to talking to everyday, on at least one platform but they betrayed me and my friendship soooo

this silence is hard

also i keep thinking, they only lost one friend (me) whereas i lost two,,,, how is that fair lol, well none of this fair

(i just remembered when me and her went shopping and we bought this really cute top, i sent a picture to him and now i'm thinking she probably did the same gaggt) GOD I CANNOT STAND THIS

#breatheinbreatheout

pls study

i've literally been revising for less than 5 minutes and my mind has already started drifting to the bad place GOLLY this is so poor! i'm partly pissed at myself for snooping in this period of time bc i have exams but i can't focus long enough to study bc a babe is heartbroken, what a wow

and i miss them which is so so so annoying, hate it here

#tweeting

welcome back to me

lmao i can't believe i found my way back to this place, anyways i'm here to talk to myself