Me reading βHaunting Your Cityβ by mightydolphin and thenβ¦ and then they do or say something sooooo tender and I have to look away from the screen because itβs just toooo much! And then I whisper, βthese fuckersβ¦β
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Will this gut wrenching feeling stop me from finishing this fic and probably hundreds more after this? Absolute not!
Iβm exactly where I want to be β€οΈ
βDonβt save her, she donβt wanna be savedβ
Btw the line was βI wish I could touch you right now. I miss touching you.β
do you like long fics? good news! i have some recs for you. please forgive my v short bad descriptions. these are in alphabetical order btw.
back and forth from new york by alphalupi (@poseidonearthshaker)
240k, Not Rated, WIP | AU where Shane comes out of his own volition and decides to sign with the New York Admirals. He and Ilya figure out how to make things work. Also a fun social media companion AU piece here (also WIP, 48k words and counting.)
Borderline by Wintersbane
90k, E, Complete | Zombie apocalypse AU set mid situationship era, Shane & Ilya have to road trip to safety at the Canadian border.
Change Your Win Conditions by Vee (Vera_DragonMuse) (@dragonmuse)
103k, E, Complete | Canon divergent AU where Ilya had a career-ending injury before he & Shane could reconnect at the All Star game in Tampa, set two years later when Ilya is a coach for the Centaurs and Shane signs with Ottawa.
clap when you land by quietafterdusk (@narglesinroses)
120k, T, Complete | Canon divergent from TLG, where the Centaurs' plane crashes and Ilya is seriously injured, Shane is there for him while he recovers.
cold war by pucksandpower
109k, E, Complete | AU of canon where Ilya is the son of the Russian president and Shane is the son of the Canadian Prime Minister, and they both still play hockey. INCREDIBLE.
courage [it couldn't come at a worse time] by veilofimagination (@veilofimag)
82k, M, Complete | Shane & Ilya break up because Ilya is miserable being closeted but Shane isn't ready to come out yet. Ilya makes a new life for himself, Shane has to figure out what he wants too.
Duty of Care by boopboop
145k, M, Complete | Canon divergent AU. Relationship era Hollanov, where the Hollanders show Ilya how to be loved.
EDIT: Adding Holding Patterns, the sequel to Duty of Care by the same author. 126k, complete, E. Ilya's twelve-year-old niece shows up unannounced and unaccompanied in Ottawa.
frequently, secretly fond of each other. by milominderbinder (@milominderbindered)
185k+, E, WIP | AU where Shane is delayed being drafted to the NHL by one year and ends up on the Boston Raiders with Ilya. Situationship era but make them team mates. Extremely angsty and romantic!
Miracle by thesevenpercent
115k, E, Complete | Canon divergent AU where the Centaur's plane crashes and Ilya is the sole survivor. Some heavy stuff about how Ilya deals with what happened to him, and how he and Shane work to hold someone accountable for it.
something you can fix (26k) and something you can build (97k) by some1_around
123k combined, M, Complete | Canon divergent AU where Shane gets outed (after his texts with Rose are leaked) and he gets traded to the Boston Bears.
Read something 70k+ words that you think I should read? LET ME KNOW!!!
--
EDIT - Adding new fics I've read (and loved!) since making this post here:
Haunting Your City by mightyd0lphin
93k, E, Complete. Ilya gets into a fight and gets traded to Montreal. He and Shane try to be Just Platonic Friends at first. Which goes super well. Some of the best written angst (with a happy ending) I have EVER read. Had me clawing at my face over it.
death and taxes (and shane hollander) by fingersfallingupwards (@fingersfallingupwards)
68k, E, Complete | This is slightly under 70k but only barely, and itβs SO GOOD. Second chance romance with old man hollanov where the cottage never happened, they ended things 20yrs ago, Shane is now the deputy NHL commissioner and Ilya is a college hockey coach. They get in touch again because of an incident with Ilyaβs teenage son, who just got drafted to the Montreal Metros. SOOOOO much yearning.
EDIT: This author just dropped a part 2 of this fic called on winning and losing (and ilya rozanov). Currently 48k words and WIP!
the ten step plan by WriteThroughTheNight
96k, M, Complete | Shane tells a teeny white lie about there being people in the hallway after one of their first hookups and ends up spending the night. Things move much faster and the timeline on their relationship is moved up. They work on a ten step plan to be together long term. Soooo sweet and romantic.
I have only two emotions (careful fear and dead devotion) by tiredtiredsharl (@wolfiemcwolferson)
152k+, E, WIP | Canon divergent, Shane disappears from the hockey world before getting drafted to Montreal. He and Ilya both end up working at the Centaurs organisation years later and fall in love. Slow burn, incredibbbble build up of feelings.
You know all those Ilya dies during the plane crash, travels back in time and gets a do over fics? What if it's Shane who gets to travel back in time and gets the do over after losing Ilya in the plane crash?
(I have no idea where to go from here. This isn't even a whole fic I think? Idk maybe it is? I don't know if I want to put it on ao3 like this but I needed to share it somewhere.)
The Centaursβ plane goes down and there are no survivors. And Shane breaks. Holes up in Ottawa in their house and sleeps in Ilyaβs unwashed hoodies that still carry his scent. Cuddles with Anya who doesn't understand why Ilya isnβt coming home, why Shane is here when Ilya is not. Only eats when his parents come over and remind him he has to. He canβt even grieve publicly because no one knows. The league takes a week off, and holds a tribute to the Cens. Ilya as the Ottawa captain and the 2014 Boston Raiders cup winner captain receives special honors. Boston retires his number. For the rest of the season, all players wear a black armband.
Shane forces himself back to Montreal. He goes through the motions. Sometimes he plays well, sometimes he doesnβt but heβs not there, not really. The only people who know are his parents, Rose, Hayden and JJ (when JJ tried to comfort him thinking Shane had a crush, Shane couldnβt hold it in. Not when Ilya was dead.) Hayden and JJ try to be sympathetic but they never liked Ilya. They didnβt know him like Shane did. His parents try to be there for him. Rose tries too, even takes a week off to come visit him.
Not that it helps. Ilya is dead and Shane canβt grieve. Not even because people donβt know. Because Shane doesnβt deserve to grieve. Ilya was the best thing in his life and Shane hid him, and for what? Shining trophies on a shelf? A sport that canβt fill the hole in his heart?
Shaneβs been so stupid.
(He gets drunk about it, on the fancy vodka Ilya bought, and that doesnβt help either.)
During the summer, Ottawa will get a rebuilding draft. Pick players from every team in the league to rebuild the team. Some people think itβs tacky, too soon, but the show must go on.
Shane tells his team he doesnβt want to be protected. Considering how heβs been playing, the GM and the coach donβt disagree.
Shane hasnβt been playing like himself, but heβs still Shane Hollander. Heβs Ottawaβs number one pick.
Itβs penance. Itβs honoring Ilyaβs memory, his sacrifice.
Shane says so during the first press conference he gives in a Centaurs jersey.
βSacrifice?β a reporter asks.
βHe came to Ottawa for me,β Shane says, and itβs suddenly the easiest thing heβs ever said. The words come just pouring out. He needs to say it, the world needs to know. βWe didnβt want to do long distance anymore and I couldnβt move, but his contract was up. So he came to Ottawa for me.β
Thereβs stunned silence, no one daring or knowing to ask more.
So Shane talks.
βWeβve loved each other most of our adult lives. But we werenβt in a position to be open about it. Not when we were young. When we hadnβt proven ourselves to the league. Not when Ilya still needed to go back to Russia. And then, after Scott came outβ¦ We thought weβd take the time to do it right. Change the narrative. Bury the rivalry, start the Irina Foundation, become friends. And then I was scared. I donβt even remember of what. Because I would give it all up to get him back. I would quit hockey. I wouldβeverything. It would be worth it to have him back. But I canβt. So I am here, at least. Where we wanted to build a home eventually. Where my family is. His family now too. Itβs too late, I should have been here saying this a long time ago, but I am here now. The only place I can be.β
Shane goes back to the cottage for a few weeks, to escape the media and to rest before the first training camp.
He sits out on the deck and when the loons call, he calls back. Ilya pretended to hate the stupid Canadian wolf birds, but he did get a loon tattoo.
A loon lands on the deck with Shane. It looks at him as if itβs asking him why heβs making such sad loon calls.
βThe love of my life died,β Shane says. βAnd I would give everything to have him back. To have him be alive.β
The loon tilts its head. Everything?
βEverything.β
The loon makes a short low sound. Even hockey?
βEven hockey.β
The loon jumps a few steps back. But you wouldnβt have met him without hockey.
βBut he would be alive,β Shane says. βAnd Ilya, he believed in soulmates. He told me that he thinks he will always be with me. So I have to believe that too.β
The loon lowers its head, raises it again. It spreads its wings. Then it takes to the air. It flies out over the lake where itβs joined by other loons. Like a dark moving blanket they circle across the lake. Their haunting cries fill the air.
Shane has never seen anything like it. Then they turn, as one, and fly straight at him. Shane is too stunned to run or even raise his hands. The loons fly toward him and everything goes dark.
Shane wakes up in pain. Everything hurts but his shoulder especially. Heβs in a hospital. Heβs woken up like this enough that he knows where he is. He just doesnβt know how he got here. Itβs the off season, he hasnβt played a game. Then he remembers the loons.
He tries to sit up but groans in pain and falls back onto the bed.
βShane.β Thatβs his momβs voice. βDonβt try to move yet.β
Shane looks at her andβshe looks different. It takes him a moment. Less wrinkles. No gray hairs.
βMom? What happened?β
βOh honey.β She visibly steels herself. βYou got checked hard into the boards. Your shoulder. Youβll need surgery. Youβre out of the Prospect Cup.β
The Prospect Cup. Shane closes his eyes. This is impossible. Heβs dreaming.
But then his father is there too, younger again by a decade at least, and a doctor and nurses and his arm is in a sling and he needs to go into surgery and everything is bright and loud and real. Impossible, itβs real. Despite the pain, Shane smiles.
Ilya is alive.
The surgery doesnβt go well. Shane knows enough about this kind of injury to read between the lines of the doctorβs post-op talk.
βThe doctor says youβll have a long recovery ahead of you, but it is possible to regain full mobility,β his mother says, as if Shane didnβt understand. As if Shane doesnβt know.
But Shane does know. He knows he wonβt recover. Hockey is the price for Ilya alive.
He still looks him up when he gets home, frustrated with the slow tech. But no, Ilya is really, truly alive. Won the Prospect Cup with Russia. There is a clip of it, and Shane watches, heart singing and happy for the first time in months, how a young Ilya tears across the ice and scores a goal.
In this new (old) world, Shane never even talked to him. He never introduced himself outside of the rink, never awkwardly told him not to smoke there. Shane got hurt in the first game, before he could ever introduce himself to Ilya Rozanov.
Ilya doesnβt know him at all. Probably never thinks about him. But heβd told Shane once, that the first time heβd seen him, heβd fallen in love with his freckles.
Shane wonders, if maybe he can find a different way. If he doesnβt have to give Ilya up. If he can still make it work. If giving up hockey is enough.
Whatever happens, I am with you. Safe in your heart. I believe it.
Shane has to believe it too.
Shane does his physical therapy. He does everything the doctor tells him to but heβs not surprised when one of his ligaments tears again. And again.
No more shooting a puck. No more hockey.
His parents think heβs in shock, is not processing right because heβs too calm about it. But Shane knows itβs the price. No Shane in Montreal, no Ilya in Ottawa. No Ilya on that flight. No Ilya dead.
So Shane watches the draft from home, Ilya the uncontested first draft pick, the incredible Russian phenom destined to rise to the top alone.
βYou should have been up there,β Yuna says.
βYeah,β Shane agrees. His hands still itch to hold a hockey stick, his feet still ache to skate. βBut I think itβs better like this.β
His parents stare at him uncomprehendingly.
And well, Shane already knows theyβll love him. And thereβs no image to protect now, no impossible standard to set because heβs the only Asian player in a predominantly white league and canβt be gay too.
βIβm gay,β he tells his parents. βNot really something I could be in hockey.β
His mother blinks in shock and his fatherβs face softens.
βWe love you, Shane,β his dad says.
βYes, of course, so much honey,β his mom says and then they both hug him and Shane hugs them back. And he cries. He cries because Ilya was supposed to be here for this. He cries because he loves a man but he can only tell his parents that he loves men.
Shane still wants to do something with hockey. He still knows hockey. He could scout or maybe even coach? He wasnβt a great coach at their hockey camps at first, but he thinks he got better. He can learn. A skill to practice like any other. And he could set a different locker room culture. Not that he knows if theyβd give him a shot without all his trophies, but he can try. Maybe become a physical therapist as a back up. That could still get him into the sport. Close to Ilya.
He finishes high school with decent grades and then goes to McGill. Sports science. He still skates, sometimes, but people keep approaching him, complimenting him. A couple of times, guys try to invite him to their beer league.
Eventually, he starts coaching a junior league. Enough people in Canadian hockey still remember his name. Itβs just something on the side while he goes to college, but it heals something in him. Maybe it is his future path.
And Ilya was always so good with kids, Shane remembers him playing in the pool at All Stars or with the Pike kids. Shane thinks Ilya would like him coaching kids. Shane isnβt a natural at it like Ilya is, but it helps, with the longing.
He misses Ilya like a limb. He watches all of his games, all interviews.
He pays half his monthly allowance for Montreal Boston home game tickets just to be in the same building as him.
Shane doesnβt really make friends, but he has acquaintances. He misses Hayden, misses Rose. He watches her movies as they start coming out and tells his study group sheβll make it big one day.
(He realizes, he could absolutely Back to the Future this. Game outcomes are largely the same. Shane doesnβt even think about it. This is not why heβs here.)
He doesnβt really date. Heβs too in love.
He knows Ilya is sleeping his way across North America and is regularly hooking up with Svetlana, but Shane canβt really bring himself to do the same. In Montreal, he tries a few times, just to scratch the itch, to forget, but like before, they just donβt compare. Every encounter leaves him hollow, unsatisfied andβmost timesβcrying in the shower.
But then he remembers. Ilya rarely slept with men, but sometimes he did. And he always loved Shaneβs freckles.
Shane had a vague plan, get a job in hockey, meet Ilya that way, but Montreal has clubs. And Ilya and the Boston guys always go out after a win. Itβs their first season back in play-offs contention even though they wonβt win the cup yet, but theyβre winning a lot. Theyβll definitely win against Montreal without Shane tonight. Shane just has to find the right club.
He finds Ilya in the second club he tries. And there Ilya is, wearing one of his flashy club shirts.
Shaneβs heart beats out of his chest. He looks so good. So happy. So alive.
Without really planing it, Shane walks up to him. Itβs how they met the first time. Now that Ilya is here, within touching distance, he canβt think straight anyway. Heβs running on instinct. Like on the ice, when he sees the opening and takes it, the play unfolding without him having to actively think about it.
Marleau is next to Ilya, but heβs already looking down a girlβs shirt and sheβs smiling at him in a way that means Marleau will be on the dance floor in five seconds. Miraculously, Ilya is alone at the bar, waiting for a drink.
And then Shane is next to him. The music drowns out the sound of his heart beating, but he can feel it hammering away in his chest.
βIlya,β he says. βRozanov,β he adds.
Ilya turns to him. His eyes are curious. βHave we met?β
His warm voice fills the cold chasm in Shaneβs chest.
βAlmost,β Shane says. A lie. βA long time ago.β The truth. βIβm Shane Hollander.β
Ilya looks Shane up and down. βShane Hollander. Canadian hockey phenom. How is the shoulder?β
Shane shrugs the shoulder in question. βAlright. Not good enough to shoot a puck, but it doesnβt bother me otherwise.β
βIβm sorry,β Ilya says and he sounds like he means it. βYou were very good.β
Shane just wants to touch him. Kiss him. Feel the heat of his skin, the warmth of his breath. Feel him alive.
βItβs alright,β he says, needing it all out there.
Ilya can probably tell anyway, always so perceptive, can see the hunger in Shaneβs eyes.
But Shane needs to make it clear. βLike this, I can be myself.β
βBe yourself?β Ilya repeats.
βIβm gay,β Shane says. βNot an easy thing to be in hockey.β
βNo,β Ilya says slowly. βSo you are just going around telling hockey players?β
Shane looks at Ilya, canβt pretend to be anything else but desperately starved for him. βI donβt buy into the stereotype that every hockey player is a homophobe.β
βI have a reputation as an asshole though,β Ilya says. Thereβs a playful glint in his eyes.
Shaneβs smiling, like a lunatic probably. βThatβs not the same as a homophobe.β
Ilya laughs, loud and bright. Then he looks at Shane, really looks at him. Heβs probably, hopefully, looking at his freckles.
Shane licks his lips.
Now Ilya is definitely looking at his mouth.
βMy place isnβt far from here,β Shane says.
Just for a moment, Ilya hesitates.
Just a few men, heβd said, a different life ago in Ottawa. A rare treat.
Shane is pretty sure heβs going to be the rare treat tonight. And then heβs going to make sure itβs not going to be rare at all.
He sees the moment Ilya makes his choice. Risks it all. Like he always does. On the ice. In communal showers after CCM ad shoots. Like Shane knew he would.
βIf you take me home with you, I can prove to you that I am not a homophobe.β
Shane grins at him. βAs long as youβre still an asshole.β
Ilyaβs eyes burn into Shaneβs. βYes, I thought you might like that.β
Shane drags him out of the club into the cold Montreal night. He doesnβt know how it will go this time, doesnβt even know for sure if Ilya will fall in love with him without the rivalry, without hockey, doesn't know if Shane should or could tell him the truth. Maybe Shane will eternally be Ilyaβs hookup, his Montreal Jane, just one of many on the roster.
Maybe, in exchange for seeing Ilya alive, heβll never really get to have him.
But Shane has to try. And heβll do better than last time.
I think Shane was a character who, soon as I read him, made all the sense to me. I felt immediately a kinship and an ownership over Shane. I was like, βI need to be the only person to tell this story. I get it. I want to be the person to be Shane and I want to spend time with him.β [x]
(sources below)
PANEL 1
Out
PANEL 2 (fear/desire)
The Permanent Rain Press
PANEL 3 (vegas bathroom)
Numero Netherlands
PANEL 4 (tears)
Harper's Bazaar
PANEL 5 (ilya inverse)
Teen Vogue
Image: [x]
PANEL 6 (additions) (4 gifs)
Numero Netherlands
Entertainment Weekly
2087
stormborns
yousharknotpass
jbbartram-illu
annaxmalina
pixelskylines
areudirty
