You know, this is true. This is so true
But something about the way it’s written doesn’t sit right with me. You’re allowed to be angry with people, absolutely! All of your feelings are valid and should be expressed properly! (Warning for a very long ramble ahead, and also it’s aimed particularly at folks who have anger management problems and stuff like that!)
But the way it says “their lack of coping skills does not make me expressing my anger abusive” doesn’t tell the whole story here. If anything, it opens up an opportunity to victim blame (which I doubt was OP’s intent so I’m gonna explain my perspective on this based on many many years of working on anger management and conflict resolution in therapy)
Anger is an iceberg! For anyone who hasn’t heard this before, it’s an idea that on the surface, you can see the top of the iceberg, which is all the anger and frustration you feel towards someone or something. But below the surface, that anger is actually hiding a different, more vulnerable emotion. In my experience, it tends to be stuff like sadness, hurt, betrayal, etc, but you can also google “the anger iceberg” to find tons of examples
When someone hurts you, you feel, well, hurt! You feel betrayed and sad and you might not know how to cope with those feelings, so instead you get angry. That’s okay, that’s a natural reaction! You’re allowed to be angry! But now it comes down to how to you deal with that, and that’s where it gets complicated. Coming at someone all worked up and angry won’t solve the problem. That’s not communicating with them, that’s attacking them, that’s retaliating.
This is where my issue with the original post comes in! If the other person hurt you accidentally or unknowingly, retaliating can be abusive. Simply saying “expressing my anger doesn’t make me abusive” is ignoring all the nuances of human interaction! However, on the flip side, if the other person hurt you purposefully, that makes them abusive and as much as retaliating might make you feel better, I would still recommend just distancing yourself, getting yourself safe. Take it from me, retaliating is never a good option no matter how tempting it is; it just escalates situations and makes everything more unsafe
Now how do you deal with this anger then, you may ask? Well, there’s a lot of ways! Everyone copes with anger differently but the basic steps is to find a way to take your anger out without hurting anyone or anything around you, and allow yourself to feel those more vulnerable emotions underneath. You could do things like draw or throw stuff (safely, ofc) or punch a pillow; if you’re alone or around sympathetic company, you could also do things like scream or vent, anything to express yourself! (And if you are around people, please check with them and make sure they’re okay with you doing this around them! The entire point of expressing your anger in a healthy way is that it’s also a non-harmful way)
Then, when you’re calmed down, go to the person who hurt you (assuming it was accidental/unbeknownst to them) and explain to them that they hurt you, and how they did so. Someone who truly cares about you would want to hear this and grow from it, in order to better the relationship between the two of you.
This was a bit of a long ramble but I hope it’s helpful to someone out there! I am not a mental health professional so if anyone has any better advice or constructive criticism then absolutely feel free to share it! This is all based on what I’ve learned and worked on in therapy myself as I have both anger management problems and rejection sensitivity dysphoria!
(Edit: After scrolling through the notes a bit longer than I did the first time, I noticed someone mention that OP meant this specifically at BPD/BPD issues; I don’t have BPD and I’m not gonna claim my ramble is or would be relevant to folks with BPD bc I truly don’t know. I am gonna keep my ramble up because I think it would be helpful to some folks no matter what they’re dealing with but I absolutely do not mean this specifically at folks with BPD (I didn’t even know the post was targeted towards anything until after I reblogged it) Thank you for your understanding!)
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