Certified Slutbucket

B, bisexual, he or she is fine. In a ltr with @kvltprince. I'm here I'm queer and my hip pain is moderate to severe. Not the most prolific Coldfire poster on tumblr, but unquestionably the worst. Icon by my brother, who isn't active on social media.

[ballsballsbowls]

Getting your ass handed to you by a Bag o' Laughs in DQ1 HD-2D feels good. Feels organic. I feel like they would have wanted to do this to you in the original DQ1 in 1985. Exactly as mean and evil as stuff they did in the original. It feels like something you kinda-sorta remember happening while playing it on the NES.

[ballsballsbowls]

I get it on some level, but the fact that they let you crit with a boomerang is nuts.

This might have been the case in DQ3 HD-2D, but as I have played DQ3 probably 50+ times and rarely-to-never use boomerangs, I definitely did not notice it the way I did in DQ1.

[faoileog]

[ballsballsbowls]

Getting your ass handed to you by a Bag o' Laughs in DQ1 HD-2D feels good. Feels organic. I feel like they would have wanted to do this to you in the original DQ1 in 1985. Exactly as mean and evil as stuff they did in the original. It feels like something you kinda-sorta remember happening while playing it on the NES.

[caprart1]

And I call this piece "holy fucking moly I need that woman !!!!"

[sft-haze]

[ballsballsbowls]

I was trying to write this thing which was going to be an extremely minor one-off thing, very easy no pressure

But I've been trapped for months because I went, "since this is vaguely fantasy and they are having sex, I should give the other guy a magic power that he can use during sex."

Which is great and all but it turns out that even given a significant amount of time, any attempt to invent "magic power that is sexy and you can use during sex" ends up with me accidentally reinventing one of CS Friedman's torture scenes from first principles.

It's like carcinization; even if I think I came up with something that isn't from Coldfire or This Alien Shore, when I actually play around with it, No That's Totally Just Gerald Tarrant, AGAIN.

[ballsballsbowls]

This is why there was never a universe in which I could Make Bank being a romantasy author or anything similar

I simply don't have the temperament to go, "what if he could....do BONDAGE on you. But it's SHADOWS. And then he SPANKS you three times and uses a VIBRATOR on you that he bought at SPENCERS." and then write 3000 pages about it.

I'm over here going, "...is it horny if he can just inflict Fear on you? Does anyone but me want him to inflict Fear on you at a cellular level? Are the youths into being so so afraid in a bdsm scenario? Is this anything"

And then 4 months later I don't have an answer and haven't written anything.

[ballsballsbowls]

I appreciate the positive feedback, because without question this is THE most embarrassing post I've made about my real life on this blog.

[slavicafire]

oh how I hate being at the office... because what do you mean the Worst Possible Normie Colleague overheard me say to my friend that I will definitely get a puppy for next pride and will be very sad to have to put them down once june ends. and approached to say HOW DARE YOU dogs are living beings and that it's morally reprehensible to do something like that or even joke about it!!!!

[slavicafire]

HR-wise, is it better to come clean and explain to my Worst Possible Normie Colleague that this was a kink conversation or do I double down as the company's resident puppy killer

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is joking about getting married, purely for the tax benefits.

.

[zemathememequeen]

aro culture is joking about getting married, purely so you can get divorced

[ballsballsbowls]

Found someone posting about this sign in a Sheetz and like

I've never seen this one before. I apparently don't live near any of the Sheetz in the Pittsburgh metro statistical area that are currently advocating for cunnilingus and I don't know what to make of that.

[ballsballsbowls]

My magic power during sex would be transforming into the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. It may not seem especially sexy but the part where I inspire nearby monkeys to hit each other with bones is very phallic and rife with euphemism.

> "may not seem especially sexy"

> transforms into the most conventionally attractive massive phallic object currently known to humans

[ballsballsbowls]

I was trying to write this thing which was going to be an extremely minor one-off thing, very easy no pressure

But I've been trapped for months because I went, "since this is vaguely fantasy and they are having sex, I should give the other guy a magic power that he can use during sex."

Which is great and all but it turns out that even given a significant amount of time, any attempt to invent "magic power that is sexy and you can use during sex" ends up with me accidentally reinventing one of CS Friedman's torture scenes from first principles.

It's like carcinization; even if I think I came up with something that isn't from Coldfire or This Alien Shore, when I actually play around with it, No That's Totally Just Gerald Tarrant, AGAIN.

[ballsballsbowls]

This is why there was never a universe in which I could Make Bank being a romantasy author or anything similar

I simply don't have the temperament to go, "what if he could....do BONDAGE on you. But it's SHADOWS. And then he SPANKS you three times and uses a VIBRATOR on you that he bought at SPENCERS." and then write 3000 pages about it.

I'm over here going, "...is it horny if he can just inflict Fear on you? Does anyone but me want him to inflict Fear on you at a cellular level? Are the youths into being so so afraid in a bdsm scenario? Is this anything"

And then 4 months later I don't have an answer and haven't written anything.

[ballsballsbowls]

I was trying to write this thing which was going to be an extremely minor one-off thing, very easy no pressure

But I've been trapped for months because I went, "since this is vaguely fantasy and they are having sex, I should give the other guy a magic power that he can use during sex."

Which is great and all but it turns out that even given a significant amount of time, any attempt to invent "magic power that is sexy and you can use during sex" ends up with me accidentally reinventing one of CS Friedman's torture scenes from first principles.

It's like carcinization; even if I think I came up with something that isn't from Coldfire or This Alien Shore, when I actually play around with it, No That's Totally Just Gerald Tarrant, AGAIN.

[hippie-dingo]

Draw your sona dying in a glue trap

so mean! why would you do that to my boy 😭

[aro-culture-is]

aro culture is STILL being confused on romantic relationships. are you not just roommates with extra privileges????

.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

I will say as a great enjoyer of the Cis Hetero Romance Novel that if anywhere on the cover the author is described as writing good dirty talk you are inevitably going to run into a sex scene where the dude starts spouting off some shit like "I'm going to put my hard dong in your cute little pussy and freak it sensitive style"

[ballsballsbowls]

Re 90s romance vs current romance, I think one of the reasons there's so many cishet men complaining now is that more of the books have some indication of how raunchy they are in the back blurb/are actively marketing how horny they are, so you don't have to read the whole book to find out how explicit it might be.

Back in the day, you had a clinch cover and maybe a saucy inner cover, and if you read the cover and back blurb but didn't normally read romance, it was significantly harder to guess how much and how explicit the sex would be without actually reading the book.

[ballsballsbowls]

I also get the other thing is, back in the 90s, there was nowhere for a random obnoxious guy to complain about his wife being into Viking Porno Books and be heard by more than 10 people max.

They really are just griping because SOMEONE will pay attention to them while their gf is reading fairy porn.

[sunshine-gumdrop]

The nursing home called. They said he's still got 40 goals in him.

This man is going to score 40 at age 52 just to annoy goalies born after his rookie season.