Tension (Kai Angst)
A/N: So like I promised, here’s the unfinished Kaistal story you requested @anon! I’m not planning to finish it because I’m busy with a lot of things, but if you really want me to continue it, I’ll try my best to! ^^ Sorry for the wait and I hope you’ll like it~ <3 (my writing hasn’t improved btw so don’t expect much)
Kai x Reader
Type: Angst/fluff
Word Count: 4,970
“You look amazing today, Y/N.”
Grinning, you playfully disagree with him as you look down at the marble table’s surface. Jongin loves complimenting you because his words somehow make you feel bashful. He himself stated that you ‘look the most attractive with pink cheeks and an embarrassed smile’.
“I’m serious. You’re so beautiful that I catch myself wondering why you’re still dating me.”
“Oh my god…” You mutter under your breath, giggling. “Why would you think that? You’re EXO’s Kai, so technically you’re in the top twelve most good-looking men on the planet.” You cradle your nearly empty mug in front of you and hold it close, the air conditioning of the café raising goosebumps on your skin.
“That’s nice to know.” With a laugh, he leans toward you and gazes at you intently.
You raise an eyebrow as he stays in that position for a while longer. “What are you doing?” You ask, taking a sip from your cup. The warm coffee travels down your throat and settles in your chest.
“I just love you. A lot.”
“I love you too.” You smile back at him and peck him on the nose before you take another drink, planning to finish it once and for all. The mug briefly covers your eyes and all you see are the coffee grains gathered at the bottom. As you lower the cup from your mouth, a concerned Jongin appears in front of you. His hands are clasped together and his eyebrows are furrowed. His wide grin disintegrated into a frown. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
The question doesn’t make him budge. As he stays frozen for a moment longer, you try to understand why exactly he’s like this, your own eyebrows knitting together. Suddenly, he reaches out and grabs your hands. He holds them tightly in his and rubs circles on your fingers with his thumb. “I need to tell you something.”
Those six words are enough to instantly trigger the fear inside of you. Despite your calm exterior, you’re panicking inside. As your heart rate increases, you reply, “What is it?” He continues to stare at you, his grip on your delicate hands only growing tighter.
“I love you so mu–”
“What is it?” You repeat yourself. You assume that it’s a serious matter he needs to talk about, so you are not in the mood for sugar coating. The nice and fuzzy atmosphere that used to surround you is now completely gone. You bite your lip in frustration as Jongin stays quiet. “What is it?” You say again, more firm this time.
Taking a deep breath, he answers, “You know that my company requires a lot from me and the others.” He pulls you closer and tries to put on a smile. “You know that right?”
You nod slowly. You just want him to be direct and straightforward - the confusion would be over faster. However, with the emotions you’re experiencing, words can’t manage to come out of your mouth.
He continues, “They know we’re dating, but since I asked them for privacy, no one knows about us.”
“They don’t have to.” You say. Your eyes drift toward your empty cup.
“I know.” He replies, his hands shaking. “But they think that their 'hype’ died down. And they always want to be at the top. They always want to be what everyone’s talking about.”
“So?” You look back up at him, your lips pursed together.
He pauses. His grip on your hands is so tight that you feel as if your fingers can fall off. The usual noise of the café lingers in the air. Daily conversations, the clinking of silverware, the shuffling of feet. Jongin swiftly plants a loving kiss on your forehead. He keeps his soft lips there for some time as you close your eyes, uncertain of what he’s about to say. As he pulls away, you slowly flutter your eyes open. With a short inhale, he says, “They’re making me date Krystal.” A pause. “We’re going public on the first of April.”
You widen your eyes. In absolute truth, you weren’t expecting SM to force people to pretend to date, so as his words leave his mouth, you can’t completely comprehend. It takes your brain some time to process the information. Then, it suddenly hits you. The name.
Krystal.
“Why her?” You inquire, anger and misery rising in your throat. “Out of all the girls there, why did they have to pick my best friend?”
“It’s stupid.” He states. “They thought that since you two are best friends, she’d be very similar to you. They thought it would make it easier for me.” Jongin rolls his eyes and chuckles, but your seriousness cuts him off. Your eyes are glued to the table, your expression blank. Worried, he lifts your hand and brings it to his lips. He kisses the back of your hand and keeps it there. “I’m so sorry.”
His words are breathy against your skin. Your eyes already began to well up with tears, and now, they’re threatening to come out. You sniffle and bring your attention to the ceiling, attempting to avoid crying in a public place. Jongin repeats his apologies over and over again, his own eyes beginning to water. As time passes by, you finally manage to collect yourself. You look at him and he returns your gaze. “It’s fine.” You say. “It’s for work and it’s strictly business, right?”
He bobs his head vigorously. “Please don’t leave me for something dumb like this.” He pleads, continuing to peck kisses on your hand.
You laugh.
This surprises him.
“I’ll never leave you, jagi-ya.” You smile widely. “I love you.”
An ear-to-ear grin spreads on his face. “I love you too~” He coos.
As you leave the café, both of you well-disguised, he makes small talk. You cheerfully keep the conversation going all the way until you reach your assigned cars. “I’ll see you soon, I guess.” You say, kissing his cheek.
“Of course.” As your managers and security guards stay still in front of the car doors, he grabs your shoulders and looks you in the eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
You hum with your lips pressed together before nodding. “Of course.”
With one last goodbye, you step into the car and your manager follows right behind you. As the car begins to move, your smile instantly turns into a pout. You turn your head away from your manager and face the window, watching the trees and the pedestrians pass by. The orange lights from the street lamps suddenly grow blurry as your eyes begin to well up. Aw, shit… You definitely don’t want to look like this in front of your manager. You quickly wipe your eyes, hoping that no one will notice. Unfortunately, the odds are never in your favour.
“Why are you crying, Y/N?” Your manager inquires, keeping his head straight. His voice is low and intimidating and his appearance doesn’t really give you a soft first impression of him, but you’ve known him for quite a while - you’ve seen his soft sides.
“I’m not crying, sir.”
“There’s no use lying.” He turns his head toward you and raises an eyebrow. “Why are you crying?”
As you’re sniffling, you do final cover-ups through your reflection in the tinted window, not wanting it to seem extremely obvious. Once you’re satisfied, you reluctantly face him. You immediately spot the business card in his jacket pocket, the word CUBE imprinted at the top. “I’m not, sir.” You report.
“Are you really going to fight me?”
His voice resonates across the car seats, and the chill that it sends down your spine forces you to tell the truth. “It’s because of Kai, sir. Nothing serious.”
“If you’re crying about him,” he says straightforwardly, “break up with him.”
“No.” You chuckle. “He didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just SM.”
“Oh. SM.” He says in a disgusted tone. “I have nothing against them, but I really think they should calm down.”
“I know.” You raise your voice, leaning forward in your seat. “They’re making him pretend to be Krystal’s boyfriend.” You shudder a little before returning your focus back to the window. It’s beginning to rain.
“Krystal from which group again?”
“F(x).”
“Right.” He sighs hopelessly and replies with, “So are you two still going to date?”
You take a deep breath and exhale, letting out all the nervous oxygen in your lungs. “Yes, but I just think it’s going to be difficult.” You face him again and smile a half-smile. “That’s why I was crying, sir.”
He nods his head slightly and looks in front of him once again. “Don’t let it affect your performances, Y/N. Your members need you. You play a very important role in Apink.”
“I know, sir.” You reassure him, leaning your head on the window, your eyes getting droopy.
“Good.”
The sound of the rain soothes your anxiety as you close your eyes and drift into a deep sleep.
The week went by like a blur. You were only thinking about the Kai and Krystal thing throughout the days - during practice, during meals, even during your free time. Krystal contacted you not too long after your date with Jongin to plan a meet-up with her as well. She just wanted to 'clarify things a little more’. Saturday’s a convenient time for you, right? You remember her saying. I’ll pick you up at seven.
You groan as you toss around in your bed, a thin blanket laying on top of you. You don’t like waking up early. Plus, you had a tiring night of hardcore practice and exercise. The other members went to bed earlier than you, and they slept at eleven. You totally forgot about the meet-up with Krystal the next day, so you kept on practicing the same dance over and over again. Your comeback was nearing, making you work harder all the more. As you stay motionless in bed, you immediately regret staying up until midnight. Along with that, you regret taking a shower after that. The cold water woke you right awake and now, you can’t do anything but stare at the ceiling. Jealousy builds up inside of you as Namjoo’s busy dozing off beside you. During times like these, you tend to think a lot. That usually gets me to sleep eventually.
Obviously, you start to think about Krystal. When f(x) debuted in 2009, you were already a huge fan of theirs. Everyday, as you were training, you always listened to their music, aspiring to become like them one day. Fortunately, you did, and the two of you became friends as soon as you debuted two years later. Once you guys started talking to each other, you never left each others’ side. The two of you just had so many connections and relations that it was almost impossible for a single conversation to end. As the years passed, your bond with her only grew stronger. You shared your deepest secrets, you expressed your thoughts and feelings, you even had multiple bullshit sessions with her. The point is that she became your best friend - the best of the best - and you love her with all your heart.
You twist around and face the wall, tucking your hands underneath your pillow. Your eyes begin to feel a little droopy, but your mind is fully awake as you shift your thoughts from Krystal to Jongin. You’ve known each other for the longest of time. You often bumped into him during trainee days while the both of you were running errands. You chuckle to yourself as you remember one time when you accidentally spilled cup noodles over him since you were in a hurry to give it to your tutor. Thank god it was already cold… Because of that specific incident, something sparked between the two of you and you started talking. Of course, you didn’t really have a lot of chances to meet him, but you’d make the best out of the few minutes you saw him in the convenient stores. Thankfully, he eventually asked you to be his right before your debut. You can’t even begin to describe your love for him. You love everything about him - his perfect eyes, his adorable smile, even his cute little butt chin. Smiling, you continue to list. I love the way he runs his hand through my hair, the way he slowly intertwines his fingers with mine, the way he buries his face into the crane of my neck when he’s shy.
Your fluffy smile suddenly fades as you consider the possibility of him being gone. Jongin doesn’t see you enough already due to his busy schedule - you see him on a TV screen 70% of the time. And the fact that you’re also running on a tight schedule doesn’t exactly make it any easier. You rub your feet together as you imagine yourself alone in a room with no one to hold, no one to talk to and no one to laugh with. You press your lips together, knowing that this might as well be possible with the current situation he’s in. To make matters even worse, SM chose Krystal, your best friend, to do all the things you do with him. Gritting your teeth, you come to a final thought.
Everyone can disappear, just like that.
Shuddering, you sigh deeply as you snuggle into your blanket. You were right - thinking does tire you out. Your eyelids are already half-way closed and you feel your body falling asleep. After a few more seconds of blankly staring, you decide to give in to the drowsiness and sleep.
Clack.
Click.
Clack.
You tap your high heels together, waiting patiently in your dorm’s living room. Since it’s a Saturday, the others are still asleep. They usually sleep-in until 9:30. You raise your eyebrows and blink rapidly, the thought of sleeping lurking in the back of your mind. You briefly glance over at the clock and read that it’s currently 7:06. She should be here by now. As you wait moments longer, you stand up from the chair and look out the window, trying to spot a car with Krystal inside. Your eyes quickly scan the roads, but there’s no familiar car in sight. Out of hopelessness and exhaustion, you let your head fall onto the glass, keeping your eyes on the streets. Six minutes pass by and then soon, seven. You unconsciously lift your fingers toward the glass and tap a slow rhythm, bored out of your mind.
An abrupt noise echoes throughout the living room, instantly catching your attention. Not wanting to wake the others up, you run to your ringing phone and answer the call. “Krystal, where are you?”
“I’m so sorry.” She apologises. “There was slight traffic, but we’re downstairs now.”
You jog over to the window and take a quick look to make sure she’s not pulling you leg. “Ah, okay.” Ending the call, you grab your bag, pull up your mask and exit the dorm.
Once you’re downstairs, you walk hastily toward her car, throwing in a quick wave. As you greet her good morning, her driver takes off.
“So how’s my best friend doing??” Krystal asks enthusiastically.
“I’ve been doing just fine~” You coo, unable to contain your smile. No matter how you feel, seeing Krystal always makes you happy. Since it’s rare for your schedules to work out for the both of you, you find it extremely lucky to actually find a time to hang out with her.
With a smile in return, she says, “You should sleep. I know how much you love to sleep in, so you can catch up in here.” She giggles as she pats her shoulder lightly. She offers you to sleep on her shoulder, adding, “Just make sure you don’t ruin your make-up.”
You giggle as you cautiously rest the side of your head on her bare shoulder. She’s wearing a tight and gorgeous dress that fits her nicely, showing off her curves. It’s short enough for the fanboys to admire her perfect and slender legs. Her dark hair tickles your nose as the car swerves left and right, nearing the restaurant. Your eyes close and you instantly start catching some 'z’s.
Your head bobs as Krystal shakes her shoulder, waking you up. “We’re here…” She whispers. You slowly lift your head and squint at the blinding light outside. You have to admit, the early morning hurts. As she thanks her driver with a quick nod of her head, you open the car door and step out, Krystal following behind. With both of your masks pulled up, people passing by eye you suspiciously as you make your way to the restaurant doors. Krystal managed to get a private corner for just the two of you. You keep your head low while she talks to the manager of the place. You literally feel the other customers’ eyes piercing into you. The manager finally leads you to your table. As you pass by several tables, you hear the harsh whispers and contained squeals of who you think are your fans. You even spot some girls getting up out of their seats and hastily following you and Krystal.
You suddenly feel a light tap on your shoulder, but you reluctantly keep walking. Your manager said that you and the other members can’t respond to the fans out in a public place. Fan meets are the only occasions you can directly interact with them. As you and Krystal continue to ignore the constant taps and the 'excuse me’s, the guilt inside you grows. You reach the secluded room, and once you step inside, the two employees standing outside it stops the fans from walking in as well. You unnoticeably frown behind your mask.
“I hope you enjoy your stay here. Please call us if you need anything.” He says with a warm and inviting smile. “There are two workers right outside, so you can just press this button.” He slides a small mechanism toward Krystal and bows. You bow your head in gratefulness as he exits the room. Sighing in relief, you both take off your mask in unison.
“It’s okay, Y/N. No need to be sad.”
You stay quiet as you put your black mask at the edge of the table.
Krystal purses her lips as she looks down at your hands nervously clasped together. “So.”
You look up, your eyebrows still furrowed together. “So.”
After a moment or two, she smiles brightly and does a cute shake, loosening up her muscles. “I miss you so much.” She says in a cute and high-pitched voice. She props her chin on the palm of her hands as she smiles, her eyes closed.
You force a laugh as you imitate her. “So why are we here again?”
Her smile fades for a split second before she puts on another smile. “Well, I was just gonna clarify some things with you.”
Exhaling heavily through your nose, you sit up in your cushioned chair and reply, “Okay. Go.”
Stating the obvious, she says, “So Kai and I will pretend to date.”
“Yeah, I knew about that.”
“I know, I know, let me just go through everything, okay?” Pouting, she continues, “It’s for the good of the company, so nothing too serious will happen.”
“What do you mean by 'too serious’?”
She hums. “By too serious, I mean that we’re not gonna have sex.”
“You better not!” You exclaim, laughing along with her.
Krystal’s laugh dies down as her gaze moves to the surface of the table. “But…we might have to kiss?”
Her eyes dart up to your blank face. They might kiss? Knowing that his lips touched the same lips as your best friend makes you quite uncomfortable. The news is unsettling, but you nod slowly. “That’s okay, I guess.”
She lights up as she continues, “Oh, so if you’re okay with that, everything else is okay. Kissing is probably the farthest SM will go.” She continues to blab on. “So we might hug once in a while–”
Hug? She’s gonna cuddle with my Jongin?
“–and we’ll have to fake dates, so there’ll be a lot of paparazzi pictures of us…and I think that’s it! Basically, we just have to make it realistic that we’re dating, so we’ll pretend to do all the things couples do.”
Couples.
Krystal immediately spots the uneasiness in your eyes, so she grabs your hands and shakes them vigorously. “It’s not like I want this to happen. It’s just…” She falters and stumbles for the right words. “…it’s SM, you know?” Managing a chuckle, she continues, “You’re my best friend, Y/N! I promise that nothing will happen between me and Kai.”
You smile, holding on to her hands as well. She’s your best friend - she would never lie to you, right? You put all your trust in her as you nod again in approval.
“Don’t worry.” She reassures you. “It’ll be over soon.”
“I know.”
Giving you one last confident and sincere smile, she lets go of your hands and grabs the menu beside her. She opens it without another second to lose as she says, “And while we’re still here, let’s order some food, shall we?”
As she browses through the endless options, you can’t help but look at her. And I mean really look at her. To be honest, she’s absolutely beautiful. Her skin is so pale and clear, her face is slim and her body is extremely curvy. She’s tall and skinny as well and her muscles are toned enough for a girl to still seem feminine. She’s practically the definition of Korean beauty.
And you?
You’re a disappointment.
Compared to her, you’re all the way down there. You’re not as perfect as her. You’re fully aware that she’s your best friend and that you shouldn’t think like this, but you can’t just ignore the jealousy you feel. Sure, you’re part of Apink, but you’ve always felt like the ugliest out of the rest of them. Eunji? Naeun? Chorong? You feel like the only reason you were chosen to debut with them was because of your musical skill. But physically wise, you feel like you wouldn’t even have become a trainee.
As this negativity starts to infect all your thoughts, you aimlessly answer her questions about what to eat. Krystal continues to flip through the pages. Your stare is still fixed on her as you think, “What’s there to not like about her?” Then a thought enters your mind and you feel as if your heart has been punched.
What if Jongin falls for her?
The thought haunts you as Krystal obliviously presses the button.
April came sooner than you thought it would and Kai and Krystal went public. It was rather amusing to watch everyone’s reactions despite your feelings about it. Some fans were completely devastated about it while others’ dreams came true. To your surprise, people already started shipping them together due to their 'similar personalities’. Pictures of them leaked and along with every netizen, you kind of freaked out. You, of course, saw this coming, but seeing them together didn’t just make you jealous, but it made you doubt your relationship with Jongin. As crazy as it might sound, a part of you really believed that they were together regardless of knowing the truth. They just looked so perfect together that it made your five years with Jongin seem to disappear.
You smile to yourself. Wow, SM really knows their stuff, you think, as you make your way to the gym along with the other members. It’s five in the evening. You guys usually work out for three to four hours or so before dinner. Your schedule is extremely tight, as mentioned several times before. You usually wake up at six thirty. You wash up (which can take a rather long time), eat breakfast then head straight to the dance studio at around eight or nine. After three hours of tough practice, you have another meal before recording or writing songs. Then you head to the gym to get your blood flowing again for more dance practice after dinner that sometimes last until midnight. Obviously, this is your daily routine if you don’t have any appointments - photo shootings, interviews, promotions or other miscellaneous events.
Sighing heavily, you enter the gym in your building and you’re greeted with warm smiles from the people running it. It’s been a few days after the huge reveal and you’re doing okay. Well, at least that’s what you think.
“I don’t feel like working out.” Namjoo complains, pouting as she steps on an elliptical. As the other five members select their equipment, Bomi replies, “You say that everyday.”
“We need to maintain our body shape or we’re done for.” Chorong, your leader, says as she sits on the leg adduction machine. “You do know that, right?”
“No one wants flabby arms and big stomachs.” Naeun chimes in.
“Or huge thighs.” Hayoung adds. She picks up two dumbbells.
As Namjoo nods reluctantly, you glance over at the wall mirror and stare at your reflection, looking yourself up and down.
Huge thighs.
Your thighs aren’t big enough to be considered huge, but your thigh gap isn’t noticeable.
Flabby arms.
Nothing much to improve here. Although, they could be more defined. Maybe a little thinner.
Big stomachs.
You briefly peek over at the others. They’ve already started at a steady pace and they seem somewhat focused. You divert your attention back to the mirror as you step to the side. Your stomach isn’t flat - you squint your eyes as you see a slight bump. Pursing your lips together, you begin to do core exercises.
As the others make small chitchat, you stay quiet, counting silently in your head. You do sit-ups, push-ups, bicycle kicks, basically everything that exists. You feel your core burning, but you continue to push yourself over the limit. An image of Krystal is burned into your memory as you endure the pain growing in every area possible. She’s pretty, you’re not. She’s thin, you’re not. She’s talented, you’re not.
She’s perfect.
And you’re everything she isn’t.
Hours pass by without notice and every part of your body aches, but you ignore the others as they go back for dinner. This is your third time skipping dinner for the past week and you noticed that it has, in fact, made a difference. If you keep going for a couple more weeks, all the fat you despise seeing everyday will be gone. The idea motivates you to continue working out. Your muscles are now numb and you can’t feel anything except the beads of sweat trickling into your eyes. The gym is now vacant except for the people working there and you. All the occupants have returned home since the clock is already beginning to hit twelve midnight. You reach the point where you’re absolutely parched, the sweat in your eyes mix together with the tears and your limbs feel as if it’s been detached from your body.
“Ma'am, it’s been a solid seven hours since you’ve started. Maybe you should take it easy and rest.” One of the employees there suggest, a hint of concern in his eyes. “A hot shower would feel nice, right?”
As you’re in the midst of performing one hundred squats, you divert your attention to the tall and slender man and pull on a tired smile. “I’m fine.” You manage to say in separated breaths. With that being said, he bows politely and heads back to his station in the far edge of the gym. You’re huffing and puffing, but your goal is at least ten hours of nonstop exercise. You keep your concentration on your reflection in the mirror as you go below your knees and back up again, lower than the last and back up again. Shutting your eyes tight, you control your heavy breaths. 72, 73, 74…
The double doors of the room open with a loud squeak and you hear light footsteps on the rough floor. “Y/N.” You instantly recognise her voice.
“Yes?” You reply as you try your best not to lose count.
There’s a brief pause before Chorong walks beside you and crosses her arms firmly. “Y/N.” She repeats. “It’s 12:24. The other members are already asleep. Why are you still here?”
“I’m exercising.” You slightly turn your head to face her. “We need a healthy body, am I right?” You force a laugh as your head drops to your chest, your legs growing tired of the squats.
She sighs. “You’re overworking yourself, Y/N. You need your rest. You need sleep to maintain that pretty face of yours too, you know.”
“I know.” You purse your lips together. You’ve given up on your face long time ago. If there’s no chance of making yourself prettier, then why not make your body healthier?
“Y/N, I’m being serious. We have stuff to do this week and you’ll need all the rest you can get.”
“Yeah.”
95, 96, 97…
Chorong stands there quietly as you finish up your squats. You place your hands on your thighs and bend down to catch your breath. You look up at her to find her staring at you still.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll go back in a few.”
Chorong continues to stare at you, her eyebrows beginning to knit together. She takes a deep breath before holding out her hand. You glance at her before she wiggles her fingers and says, “Come on.” Reluctantly, you take her hand and she pulls you up. She doesn’t let you go as you exit the gym and head back to your room.