Game of Thrones, No Place Like Home
Home is where the heart is, and this episode is far away from home for some characters while others are getting closer. We still have a ton of divergent sidequests being completed, but it seems like an endgame is coming up if we can just stay in line and nothing crazy happens. Let's see what's up in Game of Thrones, Season Six, Episode 2, "Home."
"Every one of us is poor and powerless. And yet together, we can overthrow an empire."
We start our tale with some guy talking about how when Cersei was doing her walk of shame, he showed her his dick and she was into it. Then he goes for a pee and FrankenGregor murders the shit out of him with a vertical face plant. So, just to keep this straight, FrankenGregor is just walking around the city listening in at alehouses? Seems like he's the kind of dude (i.e. walking corpse of a man who was a monster before he became an unstoppable zombie) that you would want to keep on a leash. Whatever.
We follow our favorite Mountain that Shambles up to Cersei's crib where she's mad she can't go to Myrcella's funeral. Turns out we learn through a convo between King "Deadmeat" Tommen and his uncle dad Jamie that the Faith won't let Cersei in because she's unclean or whatever, and also King Deadmeat is afraid because he did not do shit about, well, anything the Faith has done. Uncle Dad says go apologize to your mom right when the High Sparrow shows up.
Uncle Dad and High Sparrow have a pretty interesting conversation about right and wrong, guilt and innocence, with underlying tones of men versus women. Jamie gives some pretty unsubtle threats, and the High Sparrow is all "if you strike me down, I shall not become powerful at all but all these dudes will straight up murder you." It seems the High Sparrow is playing the meek inheriting the Earth card pretty hardcore while also going against his own "murder in the temple or wherever is wrong" argument. Still not sure what this guy's deal is, but he has Jaime's number so we shall see.
King Deadmeat goes up to his aunt mom Cersei and apologizes. He gets really weepy and tells her he wants to be strong, to be able to do what she would do to protect the ones he loves. Then he asks for her help, cementing his fate to totally he should have just said "hey, Aunt Mom, let's kill me together." This is turning from a Game of Thrones into a Game of Fiasco where everyone who had skill is dead and now the rest are left scrambling for the scraps.
"I am the Drowned God. When men see my sails they pray."
Speaking of scraps, the Ironborn are back! Balon and Yara are having a friendly talk about how everything Balon has ever done failed. Balon thinks it's because nobody listens to him and Yara thinks nobody listens to him because fuck that guy. Although that's a damn awesome looking squid over the hearth.
Balon decides he is tired of arguing with Yara, so he takes a walk across a bridge and Euron is there! It's really windy and Balon does the classic "I'm the king, get out of my way" death move. Many fans finally got an answer to the book where Balon fell to his death off screen by seeing Euron actually throw him to his death and answer that question. Was it Melisandre's leeches or just some shitty family stuff? Who knows?
The next day or so, who knows how long it takes to fish an Ironborn king out of the water, we get Balon's funeral. It's your standard "wrap you up in seaweed, throw you on a Huck Finn raft, and shove you out to sea" kinda funeral. My grandpa went the same way, but he opted for the little sail as an extra. Can't take it with you. The only worry, and we had this with grandpa too, what happens if he just keeps floating back? Anyway, Kingsmoot (Queensmoot) a'coming, kids!
"I prefer being an only child."
Way up in the cold lands, that guy from the "remember this asshole" section at the beginning of the episode tells the Boltons the hunters who went after Sansa are dead. Ramsey knows Sansa is heading to Castle Black and wants to assault now, but Papa Bolton says no. The maester comes in and says that Fat Walda has had a boy, so Ramsey kills Papa Bolton, less to the shock of that guy who should have been more shocked.
Then Ramsey feeds Fat Walda and the newborn to his dogs, proving once again that he is just the worst person to ever do bad things. So bad, you guys. In case you forgot from last episode where he fed his dead lover to the dogs. I can only get behind this if every episode has Ramsey feeding one more person to the dogs, and each kill gets more and more absurd until it just turns into a Roadrunner cartoon with the dogs in the background of every Winterfell scene with a plate, knife, and fork. Then at the end he himself is fed to the dogs, i.e. Bran/Jon as their wolves, because it's the circle of life.
"She wasn't exactly dressed like a lady."
Out in the woods on the way to the Wall, Brienne is talking to Sansa about finding and losing Arya. It's pretty touching, actually, Sansa knowing that Arya is okay and totally not a lady. I also like Brienne's disbelief at this as she sits wearing armor. The irony is touching.
Then Theon decides to bounce. Sansa wants him to come with her, to take the Black and serve the Night's Watch, but he decides not to for some reason. Then he heads out to go home.
"Thorne: For a thousand years the Night's Watch has held Castle Black against the wildlings. Tormund: Until you."
Oh, shit, here's a fight a'coming. Thorne is breaking down the door to get at Jon's body. Davos stands there with Longclaw about to go to town. The suspense is hanging in the air like a fart at Christmas.
Then the wildlings show up with Ed and say "what's all this then?" Tormond kills a dude, some asshole shoots Wun Wun and gets his guts bashed on a wall, and people calm down after that.
Once shit calms down, Tormund checks out Jon Snow and says they will start making a pyre. Davos is all, hold that thought and goes and sees Melisandre. Melly is still all sad but back to being a sexy hot lady instead of the old hot lady we saw last episode. Davos asks her if she can bring Jon back, she says the lord never spoke to me, and he says fuck all that shit. Davos then gives her a good speech about miracles and whatever, very inpirational, and Melly decides what the hell.
"Melisandre: Everything I believed, the great victory I saw in the flames, all of it was a lie. You were right all along. The lord never spoke to me. Davos Seaworth: Fuck him, then. Fuck all of them."
Melly cuts Jon's hair, washes all that nasty blood off him, then starts doing some chanting she heard one time from a dude she used to know, maybe. After a while, it looks pretty useless, so one at a time Tormund, Ed, Davos, and Melly leave, leaving Ghost the only one to see Jon wake from the dead like a goddamn wak-a-mole. It was a nice, if slow, scene readers have been waiting for for almost five years now.
"It is beautiful beneath the sea, but if you stay too long, you'll drown."
So with all these people coming back, how about Bran? And Ned! Bran is dream walking with Raven Treeman, spying on the Stark babies. Ned is beating the shit out of Benjen, mirroring the fighting of the younger Starks from the first season, when Lyanna rides up. They try to get this big kid to fight with them, but Old Nan… holy shit, that's Hodor saying words that are not Hodor!
Out of the dreamlands, Bran whines about wanting to go back but Raven says no. Then Bran goes out to see Meera, who's still bummed about her brother getting killed by animated skeletons and wanting to do something about it. One of those green people tells Meera she needs to get her shit together because Bran will need her when he leaves. And that's about all.
Arya is still blind and getting her ass kicked. She refuses to say her name, which would be like saying the secret word on Pee-wee's Playhouse, and Jaquin takes her… somewhere. Mostly we're just checking in here.
"The next time I have an idea like that... punch me in the face!"
Tyrion learns from Varys that all the other cities Dany freed have gone back to the slavers. Thinking they might need something to scare the shit out of any potential bloodthirsty tourists, Tyrion decides to release the two dragons they have downstairs.
This is awesome. Just great. Tyrion, talking down the dragons, releasing them. Them trusting him, looking all badass coming from the shadows… That head and jaw opening to show the ball of flame in the darkness… Just the best. Has to be seen.
And that's all I have. Did I miss anything? What was your favorite part? Do you think Sansa, Bran, and Jon are gonna join up to go on a Winterfell vacation? Will Melly, who now will know she can pull off some shit, go to try to find Stannis's body? Will Tyrion fly?
Let me know in the comments.
