Sometimes I start writing a short story and after one or two sentences (or just half a sentence) I stop because I feel it is good as is. Here are a few examples:
1) Honk had a name that was so good it sounded best from a car horn.
2) I never had an antelope I could trust.
3) Typing this from my jail cell and still running for president, I decided if Margaret were a typewriter each peck would be sexual harassment......
4) I felt like saying "No grandma, I don't want anymore ham" but who would listen?
5) Looking deep into the ghost of Peter Jennings eyes I thought "These things are so small I can't tell if he is looking back at me...."
6) She was the kind of girl whose gaze could turn your bones into chords that could only be played by an Arch Angel's harp...
7).....I should start off by saying I didn't want any of this. Well maybe the basket of corn chips. And the harmonica. But that's it.
8) That was 1980 for you. Smelly and cold. Like a dead Harvick. What's a Harvick? I'll get to that.
9) It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Of course, I was bipolar.
10) Mom had eyes on the back of her head. Covered by hair one could argue they were as useless as nipples on a "henwr", which is the welsh word for man.
11) The commercial lied. Beef wasn't what was for dinner. It was Gary. The guy who made fun of us for being stupid cannibals.
12) Women from a distance bear very man's sexual desires in mind when they get dressed.
13) Dear Helga, I wrote, things are rough and frightening during wartime but I still hate your name. There, I said it.
14) No man ever gave a shit I bet. Not the ones who told me they loved me and not the ones who told me they had a basket of excrement and were willing to give it away to anyone in need.
15) His was a mustache forged in steel which God decided had been a mistake. He would have to start all over again from scratch.
16) I don't like humans. They're not my kind of people.
17) Was Jesus as good as they say? Maybe. But not at pool. He should've stopped trying to hustle people the first night we lost. But somebody had put it in his mind that he could do anything.
18) I decided I'd like to be a short story writer. But how short? 4'11? 4'8? And would it effect the quality of my stories? Only time would tell.
19) Mark always told dirty jokes at the dinner table but only I could hear them. Nobody else was tuned into the frequency of weird, stupid Mark.
20) I hated Bryce more than I hated brussel sprouts. Well, half as much. No wait, a little more than half. Shit, we're never gonna get anywhere if I don't decide the ratio in comparing my Bryce to sprouts hatred.
21) It was the longest stakeout either of us had been on. Sgt Buchanan and I had grown long white beards. One might even call our beards gross. And our car was so old it wasn't a car but a chariot. Neither of us could remember who we were supposed to be watching in the stakeout. No matter. They were probably dead by now. Dead and buried. Well maybe not buried. God. I assume too much.
22) Jim used to hem and haw. "Maybe don't," I said, "Who likes to haw anymore? Why, in all my days I never knew a woman who was like 'I really want a man who can Haw.' Nope. They wanted cash money. And muscles. And a recipe for hot soup."
23) CORN DOG. Those were grandma's dying words. I shouldn't have rolled my eyes but who says that on their death bed? Stupid whore. I'm glad she's dead.
24) You can't judge a zebra by it's stripes. But I can. And I'm going public with my power in three, two, one.....Let the stripe judging begin.
25) I didn't want to hi-five my friends anymore. I had a bad shoulder and they seemed to think it was the only way to show excitement. How about just say "How exciting" or better yet, bury your feelings deep within and never allow excitement to surface choosing instead a life of depression and indifference.
25) "You have a nice ass," I said. "Where did you get it?"
"At the ass store," she said, "Where else?"
"Well, Gary got his on the black market," I answered.
"I don't know," I replied, "Some dog probably. Hard to say cuz this story is over."
