Barleen Has a Secret

Discussing here, what I would never discuss in public. Ever.

[barleenflanders]

Multi-tasking and Daisy Chaining

Each day, I guess it is due to my diet and hygiene (?) I have up to 5 bowel movements, sometimes in rapid succession. NO sooner am I cleaned up and back at my desk than I get called back to the bathroom due to nature: BM#1 usually are coarse and difficult, small like cigarillos. BM#2 is almost like some kind of poop seal has been busted, because it flows out of me like chocolate soft serve froyo. BM#3 is more of the same, dense, thick turds. BM#4 expresses itself more in the form of diarrhea, and although feces are still solid, they appear furry and dynamic. BM#5 mostly water, followed by a warm washcloth dipped in corn starch to stop my anal lips from burning. Today, however, I was forced to ignore peristalsys. I was stuck on a public bus that had broken down, and the ordeal took 3 hours. I ignored the pain and nature's subtle call until I could stand it no longer, but thankfully I was back at home. The size of this fecal load was a surprise. Not only was the smell atrocious and the amount of physical pain magnified, my intestines emptied themselves with a fury and clicking/gurgling noises i have never heard before in my life! When I stood up to inspect the load, I was startled to see 3 coils: small, medium, large. The largest one came out first, and literally was the thickness of a beer can, which explains the tearing sensation at my anal lips. Still and all, I did the work of 5 bms with just one, saving municipal water stores and my toilet paper supplies.

[barleenflanders]

A California restaurant’s water damage resembles the anus.

abc7.la/1IPUZUF

This video shows a portion of the celiling give way and splatter dirt and filth onto the dining area, luckily the dinners had been evacuated! When you watch it happen, it looks to me as if the ceiling itself morphs into a giant anus, that squirts out a giant stream of brown muck. Who else watched the video and immediately thought it looked like the anus of a waterlogged buildingexpediciously evacuating the contents in an unforgiveable mess of human dirt and filth? Godspeed to the good folks of LA. At this rate, I believe El Nino is going to claim some lives.

[barleenflanders]

Is Vaseline bad for you?

I'm not aware of any other topical skin prep that works in the way vaseline does, yet for so much badmouthing, I try to never apply that onto my skin. Yet sometimes I just have to.  It’s why I purchase a small tub of Vaseline each year. The pure petroleum odors make me think of a mechanic's garage. However, no product on the market sooths lips the way my vaseline does. And by lips, trust me, I am mostly referring to anus lips. Often enough, though not weekly, my anus will sting and burn with corrosive chemicals that leach out of my colon via my feces, I suppose from spicy meals and food attituves? It isn't happening to me a lot, but I am going to report again next time too, as a way of keeping track of its frequency.  Burning sensations on my anal lips, even hours after a bowel movement, even after a freshness shower!  This will cause me to wince, and it is these times that I reach for the vaseline. At this point, Vaseline now has the potential to make my bottom feel like a million bucks, so I apply a thin layer to each anal lip, and even try to put some product inside. Why do so many people warn us that vaseline is such a bad product to use on your skin?

[barleenflanders]

The Sun Chlorella Incident

According to the American Cancer Society, chlorella (sun chlorella, green algae) is a single-celled freshwater alga that has an abundance of chlorophyll.  I began taking pills when my girlfriend Midge told me about it one day at the Target.  Let’s face it, I’m no spring chicken, and I know Midge is a good 10 years my junior, but when she told me it can eradicate some cancers, improve the immune system and ward off viral and bacterial infections, cleansing the liver and blood,  I was in love.   But like the fool that I am, I did not ask her to list any Side Effects, and none were listed on the label except for the one about the hives.     So last week, in my 3rd week of daily useage,  the hives and the itching got to be too coincidental, and too noticeable.  So,  I looked up the side effects online. 

Sun Chlorella would definitely explain several inconvenient (and one time messy) gastrointestinal problems,  but the real mess never happened until *after* I stopped taking them.   My Sun Chlorella withdrawl period, was about 3 days after I took the last pill.  The very next day, I/we were awash in stinky gas, abdominal pain, nausea, yet I could not defecate whatsoever due to constipation. I also got a slight sunburn on my daily walk to the market. 

Days later, I was still breaking out in skin hives and developed severe chest pain, difficulty breathing and tightness in the throat during a car trip to Lincoln with my husband.  Half-way there, I started to get tremendously upset, it seemed as though my body was finally emerging from constipation, yet in the small confines of our car, I did not want to be experiencing this.  Not to mention the terrible smells I was subjecting my husband to.   We had already hit the half way mark to Lincoln, and it was too late to turn back, so I ended up depositing several cups of murky, green colored liquid feces into a makeshift poop bucket on the I-15.  We were in the moving car, so I had to think quick and  used a cardboard cannister from Quaker oats, as I did not want to take my husband’s 32 oz soda from him.   I opened the window and released the oats from our moving car, which looked like pretty snow for a few moments.  

It was terribly embarassing to be having a bowel movement next to your husband in a moving car, clammy and hot from the stomach cramping and the spasms.   I just started crying from shame and so many other things because I just didn’t want any of this to be true.  Luckily my husband didn’t care too much, but the cardboard was not durable at all, and since he did not want to stop, I threw it out the window before it leaked all over our car.  Though, the chemical waste was probably hazardous to the environment.  Myself, I was mortified to the point of my throat closing from a panic attack when the wind apparently blew the container apart, sending  warm blue-green gel-like feces splattering down onto our car’s rear window.     

[barleenflanders]

Typical Public Pooping Embarassments

As much as it stresses me out, I was forced into taking a pewp at work tonight. My blood pressure and stress levels shoot up very high whenever I am reminded that other human beings are free to conjure an image of what I look like  while sitting on the toilet. Anyway, my whole day was topsy turvy, so there’s no reason why my bowels should escape the same misery my mind and heart were experiencing on this Tuesday October 20, 2015. #sarcasm

The ONLY thing on my schedule was a 7pm meeting. After a mostly lazy day of naps and a skipped lunch, I needed sustenance before the meeting!  Boiled lentils mixed together with steamed rice, and also, a half of banana. Bad idea.  Alack the day. Too much roughage.  Especially because yesterday, both meals were comprised of green salads, just to give you some perspective of my intestines. Isn’t hindsight 20/20?

While driving to the 7pm meeting, after I consumed said lentils and rice, some very foreboding peristalsys cramps presented themselves in the form of car-farts. Boy did they stink to High Heavens.  Yet,  no matter, since I was alone! But were these noxious car-farts a portent? An omen? Yes, they were.  Intestinal embarassment was lurking for me, just around the corner, IN FRONT OF MY CO-WORKERS.  When I got to the meeting, I noticed it was 6:57 pm. Three minutes were all I needed. I slipped into the biffy, sat down on the john very quickly/without applying the tissue paper "butt gasket" and coiled out a satisfying length of turd that was by most accounts surprising. Here I was in an episode of bona fide surprise diarrhea. Thank goodness I took these scant 3 minutes before the meeting to deposit such a rope-like waste followed by all the bathwater slowly and finally leaking from my bowels. 

In closing, however, I still feel dirty.  I sat on a possibly unclean toilet seat without a proper tissuepaper butt gasket to protect the skin on my buttock and thighs from  possible germs.  The shitter before me may have left behind crabs or ebola. No matter what I may have been exposed to,  I was alone during my entire shit, and that’s saying something nowadays when someone is always in your way when you’re trying to do something. But remember,  I produced my bowel movement in total privacy--nobody else heard or smelled me producing my shameful turds in the ladies room.  Unfortunately, my "unprotected" act of public shitting has me worried about heretofore unknown diseases from a public restroom's toilet seat.

[barleenflanders]

My name is Barleen Flanders

I am obsessed with my food. That for a brief window of 3 years,  I suffered shame and embarassment of the side effects of a marvellous drug called Alli.   For normal people,  Alli can provide a safe way to rid those last few pounds of stubborn belly fat.   But nobody warned me that my diet would need to be amended.  You’re talking to a full blooded mid westernerner beefsteak loving honeychile raised by the nanny who was either a jew or a black woman, I can’t quite remember due to the torture and psycholgical weakening provided with her loving care, I became obsessed with my waistline.  I’m not even that heavy mind you, but I am haunted.  Every hour, I am haunted by how out of shape I am, and how critical it is for me to shape up.  Love you all, my Sisters and Brothers.  Alli ripped my insides out, and then in, and then out again.   The resultant morning after experience remains a terror filled nightmare sequence of prolapsed vaginas, and worn out anuses filled with visible scar tissue as far as the eye can see.   Stay tuned,  I’ve had a rough ride, and this is only the beginning. 

[barleenflanders]

Life on the edge of the toiletseat provides for you but nothing.  No safety net, no sustainability, and just a fleeting, false sense of security.  I had a three year affair with the diet drug called Alli.  Time and again, the side effects of this medication chose to present themselves at the most inopportune moments in my mundane life, however maximizing  the amount of embarassment I faced both in my real life, and on the internet.  My shame is magnified by all of this.

[barleenflanders]

Laundry Day at the Flanders’

I am doing laundry today to notice on my underthings a common feces stain on the back portion of undies close to the anal opening.  But how does this happen as I use toilet paper to wipe each and every time, sometimes I wash myself in the sink basin with soap and water after a bowel movement!   This staining implies I walk around after pooping with soiled clothing and I am duly embarassed.  I hope nobody has seen or smelled it without telling me.  oh how I wish I could afford a bidet.   Love,  Barleen

[barleenflanders]

Day five of toilet seat removal drama!

Again today, I was cursed with a very coarse and ugly bowel movement. Seemingly vindictive, in retaliation for the ongoing household drama surrounding the very commode in which I placed the morning fecal deposit I am referring to. My insides are just a mess, and there is strife in our household as my dear husband and I are in a standoff after a war of words. It turns out that, years ago, said loving husband fastened our [then virginal] toilet seat bolts tightly onto the commode in an effort to keep the seat from gliding and sliding under the weight of whichever occupant happened to be seated there. Several years of oxydztion and rusting and plastic degradation later, these plastic fasteners are impossible to remove. The porcelain throne is situated in a small corner, thus restricting access to and movements towards, the plastic bolts under the rim.  I've already bruised my fingertips trying to budge them and so has he. To even accomplish this, one must lie prone and reach up and around, and my dear husband says this causes his neck and lower back to cramp while he is at work. These plastic toilet seat bolts are impossible to remove!! 

I have to keep ignoring the fact that my husband created the current mess we find ourselves in! So far, due to the angle of the toilet bowl rim, he is unable to get his body in a position that facilitates the eventual shredding of these plastic bolts. Shredding is what we need to accomplish! Shredding the bolts with his drill, and also running back and forth on the plastic bolt with a hack saw just isn't working! We've watched every instructional video to be found on youtube and google and now we fear that we will have to replace the entire toilet bowl, which would be a crime due to its beauty. Our current toilet seat is in such bad shape what with stains and splashes, it is beyond repair, but unless we can get these plastic screws to budge, the idea of shitting on a deluxe brand new upgraded toilet seat is still a no-go in our beautiful American homestead. #firstworldproblems #toiletseat Barleen Flanders of Helena, MT

[barleenflanders]

My debut blog posting.

Gone are the days when friends, real trustworthy friends stick by through thick and thin.  Or maybe I am perhaps trapped in a world of repression.  My 100% vegetarian diet and the faith which I esteem unto my bowel movements are the basis for this blog, as they have added an enormous amount of relief in my sometimes very stressful life.    This, and other ablution items will be discussed here.  Things I would never ever ever ever ever feel comfortable discussing face to face with anyone for fear of dying of embarrassmment right then and there on the spot!!

Signed,

Barleen Flanders of Helena