The Sun Chlorella Incident
According to the American Cancer Society, chlorella (sun chlorella, green algae) is a single-celled freshwater alga that has an abundance of chlorophyll. I began taking pills when my girlfriend Midge told me about it one day at the Target. Let’s face it, I’m no spring chicken, and I know Midge is a good 10 years my junior, but when she told me it can eradicate some cancers, improve the immune system and ward off viral and bacterial infections, cleansing the liver and blood, I was in love. But like the fool that I am, I did not ask her to list any Side Effects, and none were listed on the label except for the one about the hives. So last week, in my 3rd week of daily useage, the hives and the itching got to be too coincidental, and too noticeable. So, I looked up the side effects online.
Sun Chlorella would definitely explain several inconvenient (and one time messy) gastrointestinal problems, but the real mess never happened until *after* I stopped taking them. My Sun Chlorella withdrawl period, was about 3 days after I took the last pill. The very next day, I/we were awash in stinky gas, abdominal pain, nausea, yet I could not defecate whatsoever due to constipation. I also got a slight sunburn on my daily walk to the market.
Days later, I was still breaking out in skin hives and developed severe chest pain, difficulty breathing and tightness in the throat during a car trip to Lincoln with my husband. Half-way there, I started to get tremendously upset, it seemed as though my body was finally emerging from constipation, yet in the small confines of our car, I did not want to be experiencing this. Not to mention the terrible smells I was subjecting my husband to. We had already hit the half way mark to Lincoln, and it was too late to turn back, so I ended up depositing several cups of murky, green colored liquid feces into a makeshift poop bucket on the I-15. We were in the moving car, so I had to think quick and used a cardboard cannister from Quaker oats, as I did not want to take my husband’s 32 oz soda from him. I opened the window and released the oats from our moving car, which looked like pretty snow for a few moments.
It was terribly embarassing to be having a bowel movement next to your husband in a moving car, clammy and hot from the stomach cramping and the spasms. I just started crying from shame and so many other things because I just didn’t want any of this to be true. Luckily my husband didn’t care too much, but the cardboard was not durable at all, and since he did not want to stop, I threw it out the window before it leaked all over our car. Though, the chemical waste was probably hazardous to the environment. Myself, I was mortified to the point of my throat closing from a panic attack when the wind apparently blew the container apart, sending warm blue-green gel-like feces splattering down onto our car’s rear window.