AYYYY Iām going to share my mental health story
I was watching a thing on youtube about someone who was sharing their story, and I decided I wanted to do that too. This may contain triggers, but if you do decide to read it, read it all the way through.Ā
You should know that Iāve only ever told a few people about this, Iāve never told any of my friends off the internet, or my parents, and it should be noted that I HAVE NOT TALKED TO NOR AM I A PROFESSIONAL. I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN PROFESSIONAL HELP AND IF YOU ARE CAN RELATE TO ANY OF THIS STUFF GET HELP, TRUST ME I WISH I HAD BUT THERE WERE OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL AND A LOT THAT I KNOW NOW THAT I DIDNāT KNOW THEN. SERIOUSLY, IT CANāT HURT SO JUST DO IT.
But seriously, itās taken me a long time to get to a point where I can share this, and even now itās only on a somewhat anonymous post where no one I actually know will ever find it.Ā
Now that Iām done yelling at you, I can start.Ā
Sooo... the first thing that should be known is that one of my family members is borderline (actually maybe not even borderline, they may have crossed that line but I donāt know) abusive, not physically, but mentally. Iāve been told Iām worthless, ugly, useless, never going to be happy, my whole life. Iām overweight, and always have been. When I was 9 this person tried to convince me to basically not eat anything, and I almost bought their argument until they told me I would never be happy if I was fat.Ā
When I was little I would write short cute stories, and as far as I remember they werenāt bad, and when I let this person read them, they would always laugh. I thought they were laughing at the stories.Ā Ā Ā Ā Turns out they were laughing at my spelling mistakes. I found out when I asked them to read my essay for school. They laughed at it. It wasnāt funny. I told them I wanted to be an author when I grew up. They told me I could never be an author because I was to fat. Thats when I stopped worrying about my weight. That statement, that I couldnāt write because I was fat, was just so BS that even I could tell it wasnāt true.Ā
But the thing is: if someone tells you these things, every few days, for years, you start to wonder if theyāre right. Especially if this is an authority figure. I promised myself then that I was going to prove them wrong. I still am working on that promise. I write as much as I want, and I do what makes me happy, and the day after I can consider myself happy is the day I start a diet. Is it physically healthy? No. But as Iāve grown I realized that even before I knew what mental health was, I was putting it first. Its more important to be happy than it is to be happy.Ā
Anyway thats that part of the basic info. The other part is that in elementary school I had a best friend. We became friends in first grade, and by 4th we were nearly inseparable. Except that apparently she wanted nothing to do with me. I donāt know what happened. She wonāt tell me. Did I say something or do something? I still donāt know. All I know is that one day we were fine and the next day on the playground she told me not to talk to her again.Ā
I donāt know, maybe its just my kind of personality, but that completely destroyed me. Like its one thing if you donāt like me because of something, but to go from being my best friend to nothing with no explanation... I still donāt know what I did, and that still bothers me. Now Iāve guessed that it was probably peer pressure since all the other girls in our class came to me 3 days later and told me they also wanted nothing to do with me. But I didnāt really care about them, they were only my friends because of her, but I do remember sitting on the playground when they told me all of they're little speech and I just remember crying and asking why. I said why so many times. They wouldnāt answer. After that I was left with one guy who also didnāt understand what was going on, and he pretty much saved my life the first time. He made it a goal to make sure I smiled every day. And I did because of him, but I also started into depression and social anxiety.
Ā About a month after the end of our friendship, this girl comes back and thinks we can go back to being best friends, and I was like Bitch excuse you? But also I couldnāt talk to her. I didnāt know it then, but now its completely obvious. I had anxiety attacks when I tried to talk to her. 2 times I actually blacked out. I donāt think i fainted, but I remember being terrified when one second I was trying to talk to her, and the next thing I know Iām in a completely different place, but I have no memory of what happened, just a sense that time had passed. Its fucking terrifying, especially if you donāt know whatās happening.Ā
But this girl, she doesnāt give up. We wrote notes back and forth for 2 years. She always insisted that she did want to be friends again and she was sorry for what happened. She never told me why though, and thats most of why it took 2 years. When I finally was able to talk to her again we became pretty close friends again. By then I had made friends with another girl, and the boy I had been friends with kind of headed towards hanging out with other guys. It was middle school, girls had cooties again. This other girl deserves a name because she literally saved me. But since I donāt have her permission, weāll just call her Ash. Ash,Ā āHerā and I were friends for a while, and it was great. That year I also got invited to a leadership conference in Washington DC for a week (which, side note, I think I had a nightmare that they were trying to sue me over the events that happened that I will now describe, so Iām going to be very careful about not mentioning the name. Donāt sue me, none of this is my fault.) So that spring I got on a plane with my aunt and went to WA DC. The conference thing was great. I got to see lots of places and we went all over and learned lots. The food was not great, so I didnāt really eat. I thought it was ok to skip eating so much since I was overweight. I WAS WRONG DO NOT EVER THINK THATāS OK YOUR BODY THINKS ITS STARVING AND GOES INTO SURVIVAL MODE AND ACTUALLY WONāT LET YOU LOOSE ANY WEIGHT AND MAKES YOUR BRAIN NOT WORK RIGHT AND SUCH. This was just one of the factors. Another was my roommates. We were assigned rooms in groups of 4 with other kids from around the country. I should mention that this trip was kind of expensive, and I was lucky to raise the money to go, but almost everyone else there was rich. I got roomed with 2 rich... Iām just going to say it. Bitches. Fuck them. Iām getting ahead of myself. The other girl was like eh whatever Iām going to sleep. The 2 girls decided that instead of like just sleeping or whatever, itād be fun to make my life living hell for the week. Now Iād been bullied at my school. I mean the best example is all the girls from the previous story shunning me. But the thing about my school is that they donāt do the bullying directly to the face. They might whisper behind your back, but they would never say it to your face. These girls were not that kind. They stole my stuff, they wouldnāt leave me alone, they kept watching tv so loud I couldnāt sleep till midnight or 1AM. Thats on top of jet lag. They bullied me into not asking for a room change. Finally on the Thursday of that week, I locked myself in the bathroom with my phone. I was crying and hyperventilating, I couldnāt move but I couldnāt stand to stay still. It was terrible.Ā
That was the point. We were in a room on the 8th floor. There was a window. I wanted to end it all. I didnāt want to go home. I just wanted to stop existing forever.Ā
But there was this tiny voice in my head begging me to try to get help. I had 2 friends, The girl and Ash, and Ash was kind of known for not being the most reliable person and little more happy go lucky, not really the kind of person that would help in this kind of a situation. This girl was reliable right? Seriously, what happened before was just so out of character for her, theres no way she would leave me literally on the edge. Right?Ā
I called her. She answered. I was mid anxiety attack and couldnāt really make words, i was just sort of crying into the phone. She didnāt even listen or ask me if I was ok. She yelled at me for calling her so late at night, and she hung up. I called again. I texted her. I told her I needed to talk to her, I told her what was happening. I told her I wanted to say goodbye.Ā
I decided to call Ash, just as a last resort. And I will tell you one thing about Ash. She has a slytherin exterior and persona, but on the inside she is a hufflepuff. She is the most loyal friend Iāve ever had, and she was ready to kill whoever hurt me. She let me talk to her mom, and she got grounded for a month for being on her phone at night, but she also didnāt care about those things. She cussed out the girls in my room for me. She stayed on the phone with me till morning to make sure I got the rest of the night to sleep. She made sure I was ok.Ā
And like I wasnāt. Iām still not that ok. Iām still crying even thinking about it. And the other girl? She still gives me anxiety attacks. I avoid her at all costs. Shes not a bad person, in fact I we have a lot of common interests. There was a reason we were such good friends. Now she works in my bank, and I have to go talk to her sometimes, and I always leave the bank on the verge of an anxiety attack.Ā
And Ash and I arenāt really friends anymore we kind of went into different branches in high school, but I will always be thankful for her. She always has a place in my heart.Ā
I want to say more about how all this has effected me but honestly Iām exhausted rn. What happened made me who I am, but I think Iād like to change that bit if I could. Its ok to have regrets. Its ok to have problems. Take care of them. Take care of yourself. You will be ok, even if it doesnāt seem like it now, and it will take time. You wonāt be ok next week, or next month, or maybe even next year. Maybe not 10 years from now. But eventually one day youāll think back and realized that hey, youāre ok. Its ok. And then you can let it go. And thats ok. Everythings ok in the end. I love you. Its late and night. Iām going to sleep now. Seriously, I love you, especially if you think no one else does. I would love to talk to anyone who I can, but tbh find a professional, Iām just a young adult who doesnāt know anything and I tend to mother hen ppl with problems and thats not good for my choice to put my happiness first, and also I donāt consistently get tumblr messages, but there are plenty of free emergency health lines, some even that you can text to, so google one up and get help. Seriously, its worth finding help. Your life is worth it. I promise.Ā
Sorry for spelling mistakes there are a lot of red squiggly lines but idc rn
