scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 26 (masterpost here)
*Alfred coming across Dick and Jason hanging out together in the study late at night, both drinking*
Alfred, raising an eyebrow: i hope you two aren’t overdoing it, seeing as you assured your father that you would be ready to go to the art gallery with him tomorrow morning.
Dick, grinning lazily: we’ll be fine, these are still our first drinks. we’re just talkin, Alfie, it’s ok.
Jason: speaking of, i have another.
Dick, to Jason, curious: ok, go.
Jason, smile growing: ….the med suite in the batcave.
Dick, jaw dropping: fuck OFF, seriously?!?
Jason, still cackling: bout’a year back, Roy bought me back kinda beaten up and gave me a scan over since nobody else was home. things just… progressed naturally.
Dick, in disbelief: THERE’S SO MANY CAMERAS DOWN THERE.
Jason: *cackling loudly* yeah man- yeah- dude i spent hours after, just- checking and rechecking that i’d destroyed the footage,
Dick: *wheezes, covers his face* oh my gooodddd, littlewing!
Jason: HEY- you said one of yours was the kitchen!
Dick: *breathless chokes* you know- you know what- *laughing* not even close to the worst place for me over the years.
Alfred, pausing: … *slightly suspicious* what are you… discussing?
Jason, shoulders shaking as he takes a drink: come on, what was the worst?
Dick: *snickering* you can’t- you can’t judge me. you can’t,
Jason, eyes widening: where?!?!
Dick: *covering his face, struggling to hold back laughter*
Dick: *wheezes* NOW WAIT- WAIT-
Jason: YOU’RE FUCKING LYING.
Dick: I WAS TWENTY-ONE, I WAS REALLY MAD AT BRUCE AT THE TIME, AND THE HOUSE WAS EMPTY BECAUSE HE’D TAKEN YOU TO A THEME-PARK FOR THE WEEKEND AND ALFRED WAS ON VACATION! SO I BROUGHT A GIRL OVER!
Jason: IN HIS BEDROOM?!?!!
Dick: MINE SMELT LIKE RUBBLE AND SMOKE FROM PATROL! I CHANGED THE SHEETS AFTERWARDS- *breaks down into wheezes* he- god we never spoke about it but i’m so sure he knew-
Dick: *crying* he- fuck we made eye contact over breakfast the monday after- he’s never been that mad at me before and he didn’t even comment on it- *collapses into giggles*
Alfred, gravely: what. are. you. discussing.
Dick: *starts laughing harder*
Jason, also holding back wheezes: aw come on- Alfie- Alfie i think you know,
Alfred: *watching the two fall over themselves, trying to breathe through their laughter*
Alfred: *spins on his heel and leaves*
Jason, calling after him: awww, where you going!?!?
Alfred, swiftly: AWAY FROM YOU.
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