Of Mice and Men

  With the arrival of humans, it has been said, the universe has suddenly become conscious of itself. This, truly, is the greatest mystery of all.  

[batvalentinworld]

all this costumery I habitually wear > scared by the poverty of my personality? it would make sense.

[batvalentinworld]

the Grand Architect of the Universe must surely exists; and I see myself as an insignificant part of Its biggest surprise ever

[metaphorformetaphor]

And I’m finally beginning to suspect that perhaps we’re not meant to understand life. All these furious attempts to explain and understand, this ongoing quest for the truth, may be a dead end. We bless the sun because we live the exact distance from it that is beneficial. A few million miles closer or farther away and we would burn or freeze to death. What if the truth is like the sun?

Hjalmar Söderberg, from Doctor Glas (Anchor, 2002; first published 1905)

[batvalentinworld]

it didn't end with more clarity, but I guess that's not exactly a tragedy - I just feel a bit older; several more memories, some perfectly insipid ones - some vivid enough to be mistaken for anticipations; torrents that rise all of a sudden, the cloudless sky;

it's been a long summer. I hope everyone is well

[batvalentinworld]

[batvalentinworld]

all sorts of unpleasant emotions. the fear, the worries; fear of fear, fear of life, the awareness of the inability to admit it to anyone;

as if there's no one to admit it to > a curious sense of being entirely alone amidst a large number of mindless robots lacking any touch of humanity. the loneliness seems to have a peculiar intensity when the night breaks in

[batvalentinworld]

I feel that all anxiety has become too much - one breaks up, another one takes its place;

the strain of these past weeks has a very unusual effect, like I've been sent back in time eons ago; a small child that has had rather a tearful day - I feel I only have left some energy to want to be put to bed by someone else;

curiously eased by lying down on the floor in the darkened room; as if I'm resting in someone’s arms

[scifiplanes]

[batvalentinworld]

somewhere out there there are people who are happy; I know, it’s a perfectly real occurrence, one that occurs frequently enough to be worth allocating a particular word in each language (at least I suppose so);

It is very weird on a quiet night to see that beyond all this ever-growing intricate costumery, instead of thousands of words, actually there are so few truths to face;

distances, and memories alike, alleviate and expiate; beyond them - the agony, the life

[batvalentinworld]

it is now growing dusk; in every possible way;

my thoughts recur to old disappointments, to the constant fear that I probably grossly misrepresent each of my daily escapades; I feel correspondingly disconsolate and perplexed and lost; just a tired man grown cynical after years of futile losses and dashed hopes;

the tide has apparently turned in my favour, Gods are merciful; and their irony unmistakably deadly: everything seems now too little, too empty, too late

[dahmerson-deactivated20230323]

[batvalentinworld]

looking fixedly at the lights of the city, now blurry and distant; I know, after 14888 days a lot of things should have become clearer; it appears I've been too busy with surviving myself. ha-ha

[batvalentinworld]

Sunday night mood; feeling at the same time both despair towards a death that doesn't come and complete availability to live one thousand lives within one single deadly time;

hope exists - there are always ways out; is there a better frame wherein to arrange the most immediate experiences? is this everything there is?

[idavidbeattie]

Alberto Giacometti   Place 1948

Photographic print with colour dyes ,taken at Moma New York  1998

By David Beattie

[batvalentinworld]

I've driven today about 1000 miles - my math, probably grossly inaccurate (but right now I'm too lazy to look on a map) - from Romania to Italy, at Mestre, and back - and, honestly, the whole thing with Europe makes sense as long as there are fictional borders and a large majority of people who backs them;

you can easily accept you’re a part (albeit an insignificant one) of a certain cultural space having clearly drawn boundaries; it seems much more complicated to see yourself as a very important part of a well-ordered bigger whole; freedom is awkward

[batvalentinworld]

I know I will have to surrender at some point; after all, life is an unpleasant business in which I have to bow to all sorts of elements; winds and rains and emotions and haphazard occurrences;

and all those matters with regard to which I am not disposed to make any concession at any rate, all of them so ambiguous, so unbelievably fragile;

seemingly calculated to make me feel stranger in a strange land

[batvalentinworld]

late at night, I’m tired; spending day after day being at the same time in tune with the group and hostile to it; at the same time at war with they and at war with myself - is exhausting; the way of all flesh, one might add…

what makes the overall situation at least bearable is an inner disponibility to invest in curiosity and exploration even when the subject is painful or apparently empty; and, of course, the real possibility to build; stories, landscapes, bridges