cole’s shocked when rust disagrees with him, his head pulling back slightly as he glares back at him, hardly catching what he says next, still not processing that what matt did in front of rust is different than what cole’s assuming that rust did. right now, he can really only focus on the fact that rust is critiquing his friendships, him, something that has always upset cole, not because he doesn’t understand (especially coming from ruston, given how their own friendship crumbled because of his new ones), but because cole really does care about all of them. he doesn’t like to give up on people.
but it’s not really all about that, either — and rust can see it better than cole can see it for himself. cole gives people too many chances, he lets people like matt get away with shit like this over and over again, because it’s hard for cole to blame others when he’s busy blaming himself. victoria died because of him. cole’s sad because of his own failures. he’s a burden to his friends (not rust, right? never rust), and that’s his own fault. he’s hurt by the way his friends are acting towards him now, but he can’t shake the feeling that they deserve to be annoyed with him too. it’s the same way his father makes him feel every time he reminds him that cole’s a murderer — he’s right to hate me, isn’t he?
“he’s my friend,” he insists, but it feels like a weak argument. is that even what matt is, really? does matt even like cole, or does he just like being perceived as one of cole’s friends? is he just waiting for the day that he can somehow beat cole in this game they’re playing — one that cole’s never really understood himself? he thinks about it for a moment and his lip quivers, his head shaking. matt trent is not the kind of friend that will last beyond graduation. cole’s always understood that. he’s not someone cole wants in his life for the long run, but can’t he just get to graduation without any more bad blood, literally, between them? “he just likes to talk shit.” but that’s not all it is, and some part of cole knows that, too.
matt’s a loose cannon, and cole’s not really admitting that to himself, but that’s only because he thinks he’s done a good job of not letting anything between them go too far, like he knows how to handle matt and how to keep him in line. even if that means taking all the shit he talks and not fighting back, because at least he’s saying it to cole, and cole can take it. but there’s so much he doesn’t really know about matt, something that is starting to eat away at him, because something about all of this just doers’t feel right — especially the idea that ruston would betray him. it’d be less surprising coming from matt.
he breaks free from his thoughts, eyes shooting up to rust as he hears him hit his head again, and he frowns, hand twitching because he wants to reach up to him again. he also wants to tell him to stop, but something about it, the way he’s noticed him do it before, tells cole he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.
this isn’t what he was asking for, and cole can’t help the reaction, gasping as rust grabs his hand gently. his own is still trembling, but it’s the first time since he heard the whispers about rust that he feels frozen in place, eyes watching his own hand being placed against rust’s chest. when rust lays his own, bloodied, bruised hand on top of it, cole winces, eyes closing for a brief moment, and when they open again, tears finally start to fall against his cheeks.
his apology finally forces cole to meet his eyes, and his head shakes, not because he doesn’t accept the apology, but because he still can’t shake that something’s not right about this. he’s been so laser-focused on his fear that he hasn’t let himself be rational about any of it — but he’s finally really looking at rust, really seeing him, and… it’s rusty. it’s his best friend. the person he’s always trusted more than anyone, the one person, beyond all his friends and even his family, even himself, that cole knows wouldn’t hurt him.
his fingers curl against rust’s shirt, not in an effort to pull himself out of his grip, but in a small indication that he’s starting to calm. cole takes a deep breath, his free hand moving up and gentle grabbing onto rust’s arm. “rusty,” he whispers, pleading, still worked up but eyes at least starting to lighten. “tell me what happened,” he finally says, frowning because he realizes he should’ve started with that — but he was too scared, the sight of matt so haunting, his own paranoia relentless. his thumb lightly brushes against his arm as a silent way to tell rust he's ready to listen, a shaky breath falling from him as he goes on.
"why did you..." a gulp. "—hit him? what started this?" he braces himself for the truth, hoping that he's wrong, that he has no reason to lose faith in rust, but he's still scared, still paranoid, still angry. and now his words from earlier click, something about matt speaking of her, and he's not sure he wants to hear that, either. "you have to tell me, rust, i have to know." said more for himself than rust.