this is the first time I've ever posted anything longer than a Facebook post so forgive me. but i have thoughts on my mind that i wanted to remember for a later time so i thought i’d share.
time is everything. i hate it so much. people always say, “timing is everything” whether that apply to relationships, finding a job, doing anything really. the idea of time travel has always fascinated humans and I've often wondered why. time is eats everything, even itself. if we could go back and change the past, it would alter the future possibly for the worse, as we see in many movies and television shows, but i get it. the thought of changing the past to alter the future; to enter that parallel reality that MIGHT be better than this one sounds pretty rad. but that’s besides the point. i hate time.
there is no getting any time back or rewriting history, just keep moving forward until time kills everything that we are and have and have ever loved. there's no saving anyone. family, friends, loved ones, pets, possessions, everything is already gone, hasn’t existed yet, or has never even existed depending on your perception of the asshole called time. time can also be beautiful. for instance: time lapse. to see things in this world either sped up or slowed down can change our view on the subject and it’s incredible. that goes without saying though, this is all common sense but you’re reading this and i find that interesting. using a bit of your time, sacrificing time away from ones you love, or things you enjoy doing, to read this post about time and how it controls our lives. it’s funny. that in our environment, we can almost gain the illusion of controlling time. specific experiences in life can feel like they last a lifetime while others fade so quickly, almost seeming to have never happened. someones life can look longer than another’s based on how we view their accomplishments.
I’ve missed out on too many opportunities. don’t be me. don’t be like me. don’t waste too much of your time alone with your head; you’ll become friends with the monsters up there and while I find their presence comforting, I've shut people out and it feels better every time i close a door but that’s no way to live. to be independent is fine as it is to be co-dependent. it’s all personally preference and perspective.
I've missed my windows of opportune timing and i know i’ll miss many many more. i don’t have regrets, but i do have a past that haunts me. but again with rewriting history; if i could change my past, i would not. i would not be the person i am today and while i fear myself now, i can’t imagine the monster i could’ve have become that might be dead in one of the infinite realities that may exist beyond the realm of time and space.
it still makes me think though. what if i had thought some things through? made a slightly different decision? would i be happy? would i be able to find out what this word means? are people lying when they say they’re happy? because why is it that when i analyze my life, everything looks great. i have so many loving friends and family, support in pursuing my dream of being a graphic designer, making money as an artist, worked at toys r us and Disneyland (fuck), tattoos, dream car, cats, possessions (whatever) i feel like i have everything I've ever wanted but the anxiety and stress only gets worse the more and more love i receive. i thought it was the opposite. i feel like i have far too much emotion in me. ever since i was young, crying has been my forte.
seems so long ago now. or just like yesterday depending on how you view it. seems like life is just waiting. waiting for happiness to find you, because I've spent my life looking for it and have found hopelessness.
if i do belong here, i don’t want to.
if you got to this paragraph, thank you. this is my brain, this is how i make art. i feel so empty all the time so i try to fill the gaps by drawing. i put everything i am into every piece of art I do. i do things very unorthodox and i design the way i do because it helps me. i can look at one of my designs and say, “i remember spending an hour drawing that tiny ass line.” i also don’t use sketches or hand draw anything; i click and drag the pen tool along a white canvas of 18 x 18 inches at 300 dpi. everything i make, I've seen somewhere and i do everything in my power to bring it here and share it the exact way i saw it in my mind with the world i’m forced to live until time catches up to me.
these are all just my thoughts right at this moment so i’m sure you all have opinions you want to throw at me so go ahead. or don’t. thanks for reading this far for the few that did. just some thoughts.
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