above all else, that was what had been on a loop in his mind ever since he’d killed daisey; in particular, those first few days afterward, that had been practically all he could think about. he’d walked through campus as if in a daze, paying even less attention in his classes than he did usually ( if he even went ). slowly, he’d come to terms with it. he had to, once that fucking cop decided it’d be all sorts of fun and games to start daisey’s blog up. the very reason he’d killed daisey in the first place — the fear of his father finding of him, of his secret getting out — was laid bare before the ashmont thirty with that psycho’s very first post. it was almost poetic. karmic retribution, he felt, for what he’d done.
over time, though, he’d started to feel… not safe, but better. his interrogation hadn’t ended with him in handcuffs, even though he’d wanted to punch the asshole from across the table, and he didn’t seem to be as strong of a person of interest as some of the other students had been. he’d been lulled into complacency, desperately clinging to the belief that everything would be alright. that maybe, for once in his life, he’d be okay.
honey knew he should’ve learned by now. that wasn’t the kind of life he was destined for. he was reminded vividly of the days his father seemed calm; he’d always tiptoed around the house as a child, but those days he’d hardly glance up from the newspaper when honey came home from school. he’d only made the mistake of relaxing once. the scar underneath his jaw was a stark reminder of that day.
all things considered, he was happy with his day-to-day life, more or less. that happiness depended heavily on pretending like the blog didn’t exist, but he had zar. he had kiki. his friends were banding together stronger than ever, he was in love, and he was currently sitting on the couch with nugget asleep in his lap. altogether, he was… coping, in a way. it’d taken all of thirty seconds of zar being in the kitchen for him to start complaining, and loudly. he wasn’t afraid to be needy, these days; zar was in love with him, and he seemingly hadn’t chased him off yet.
he should’ve known it was only inevitable that the other shoe would drop.
it felt like all the air had left the room; honey, eyes wide, clung to nugget instinctively and woke him up, startling the little dog into jumping off his lap. zar was turning, zar was looking at his phone, honey had half a mind to scream no, no, please don’t look, let’s just run away, no one will ever find us —
but he couldn’t. he couldn’t bring himself to speak, to move, to do anything; this was the exact moment he’d been dreading for months, and he’d imagined the horror on zar’s face a million different ways. honey knew his guilt was plainly written across his face. it was all he could do to watch zar turn to him, knowing that this was the moment he found out the only thing honey had hid from him. he didn’t dare move as zar came back to him, eyes welling with tears as his boyfriend knelt down in front of him, his hand warm on honey’s chin.
honey opened his mouth and immediately burst into tears. all the emotion he’d piled up inside, locking away safely in a corner of his mind labeled do not touch, came pouring out at zar’s gentle statement. it was a few minutes before he’d gathered himself enough to speak, still choking back tears as he struggled to meet zar’s eyes.
“ it was an accident, ” he croaked, his voice barely audible. “ i never meant for her to die. please, zar, you have to believe me. she— she knew who i really was, she was threatening me, and i was terrified— ” a fresh wave of tears hit him, and he struggled to talk through them. “ i was terrified, and i pushed her, because i was so fucking scared and i wanted to get her out of my face, and she— ” he couldn’t say it. “ zar, i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry, i never wanted to keep this from you. i don’t know how you can forgive me, but i… i’m so sorry. for everything. this is all my fault. ”
zar had to admit, he was shaking. there was a frightful part of himself, the part of himself that still saw enemies everywhere, that couldn’t sleep unless his back was pressed against the wall. the part of him that still fought tooth and nail to survive each day, that still told him he was the one who did this. honey was the person zar had been cursing all along, but it... it didn’t make sense. he knew, as soon as he looked at honey, that it wasn’t a lie, that daisey jr (or... daisey sr) was telling the truth. or, at least part of the truth. because honey wouldn’t have caused this without meaning to.
zar knew, down to his bones, that honey didn’t have it in him to commit cold-blooded murder. that honey would never lie to him. as soon as honey spoke, zar’s other hand darted up to cradle honey’s face properly. he could picture it now; daisey falling, blood pooling beneath her head. that moment of shock, of utter terror. and then a fucking cop comes out. tells them exactly what to do. and then fucking tells the whole world honey’s secret anyways. and for what? for what?
“i believe you,” zar insisted, because he did. because every fibre of his being screamed that that was the truth. that there was no way it was purposeful, like daisey sr implied. “it’ll be okay, sweetheart,” he assured, even though he knew he couldn’t promise that. he just wanted honey to stop looking like that, to stop looking so lost.
he almost has to laugh, and when he does, he realizes he’s close to tears, too. “honey, you forgave me for doing the exact same thing.” even worse, because sure, honey had... had killed daisey. (it still felt surreal to admit, like they’d slid sideways into another reality.) but there was a difference between pushing someone and... and turning their skull to a fucking crater. and yet, honey had still found it in himself to forgive zar, to love him. and... and zar couldn’t see a world where he didn’t love honey.
“i...” zar swallowed, running his thumb over honey’s cheekbones. “i wish you hadn’t honey, but i know you wish you hadn’t, too. but... but you didn’t mean for this to happen.” even the coldest, most suspicious parts of zar knew honey couldn’t be involved with the blog or daisey sr, because he was the first exposed. and honey was terrified of his father, zar had seen how he reacted when something even reminded him of that man.
he tried for a smile, for him, “and you’re still the man i fell in love with. so let me love all the jagged pieces of you.” because that’s how it was between them was it? two people born into the world with little more than a fighting chance, who made terrible, bloody mistakes, who were broken and angry and deeply, deeply flawed. but that didn’t mean they didn’t try to be good people, that didn’t mean they didn’t still have things that made them worth something. that didn’t mean honey wasn’t one of the bravest people zar had ever met, one of the kindest, the strongest.
and it didn’t change the fact that zar was going to be there for honey, through thick and thin. even... even if honey ended up getting tried, getting convicted, going to fucking prison. he had to shut his eyes against the very thought. he took a deep breath, steadying his voice to say, “whatever happens, i’m gonna be right there with you.”
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