just a little crazy

sw1:251 lw: 132, sw2: 227 cw:153 gw:150 5'10", 28, vegan, mirabilis/ortho

[shakiraisanidiot-deactivated202]

Guys you know what, forget my last post, eating is awful, life is shit and relationships are garbage

[th3r4p1lh4t3rzxd]

Is it again this time of the year where I think nobody loves me back I'm a fatass or?????

[beansandanger]

Today I learned stool softeners can make you throw up

[kosmogrl]

[beansandanger]

When I get sick it's awful, I go from okay eating down to force feeding and it becomes way too easy to throw in the towel at 500. I ate a sleeve of crackers and a protein bar out of desperation to not get THAT bad again, but that only got me to 1200

[linaliveslight]

Y'all, I might be accidentally becoming a muscle mommy instead of a pilates princess 😳

Kind of a "b0dy ch3ck" below

I got to a LW of 148lbs last year and "recovered," gained like 20lbs over the last year but consistently worked out.

As I'm r3lapsing and lowering my BF%, I'm realizing a lot of the weight actually was muscle. I was sure it wasn't 😅

I guess I'll maintain as much muscle as I can and see how it all ends up as I get close to my UGW 🤷🏻‍♀️

[angelcholic]

so real

[fitnessfr3ak]

[beansandanger]

You know there's something wrong when you start mas*urbating and you start crying 3 pumps in. He'll never make me his fourth wife. I thought I was over him but he's come back looking for my body yet again and it unlocked me. I wasn't over him, I had shut down (like stop screaming on a rollercoaster) and I took that numbness as "getting over" him. Can't wait to see him yet again with someone half his age as a random hookup date at the Christmas party 🫩 the hottest I've been since 2019 and still not wife material for the ones I want. Realistically, why do I want him? I know he's in his trashy era, but he seemed like the perfect husband for me based on how his previous marriages were (he was the one cheated on or left)

[beansandanger]

Pit in my stomach

Finally thought to FB search someone (was checking my venmo payments, remembered my last loved person, saw the girl he left me for years ago name, searched her, saw the wedding photo dated a year after he left me)

Did I think I would ever get back with him? No. Did I think she was hotter and hated her or myself? No, relatively the same level, just different taste.

I feel like there's just something in my sweat or smthn where people can just tell I'm not normal

[beansandanger]

Almost all of my body is tight (not flat and skinny, but firm and medium) except my under arms (understandable,no arm exercises except holding me up during my butt exercises) and my LOWER BACK?? THE FRONT IS FLAT TO MY PANTS AND THE BACK HANGS OUT

THATS THE HIDDEN 15 POUNDS (I'm wearing my 6 curvy skinnies I had back at 130s, I'm in 150s)

I'm pretty sure this is not butt exercise related

[beansandanger]

Ninja Crmi my beloved 🫶

270 calories -v protein powder (22g p) -half sugar free pudding mix (50 c) -1 cup ripple milk (8g p) -1 cup water

[beansandanger]

My polish genes won't let me have skinny tummy until I am skin and bones 🫩 but other than that I am comfy enough to slow down and work on upping my metabolism (15 lbs left out of 77)

I have successfully kept my butt and 75% of my boobs this time tho 🙌 my legs are hella buff too

[lacedwithcoke]

I ate candy today if you see a whale outside it's just me

[beansandanger]

I HIGHLY recommend misfits protein bars, they're so sweet that I take the 14g vs the 20g of protein I'm used to. I'm vegan so I haven't had the star crunchies in years, the brownie batter one is so close to that. I keep them at work to not binge and put one in the freezer there each day

[beansandanger]

When you're disordered enough that you can't talk to your friends about things you see but not disordered enough again to find an Anna buddy 😮‍💨 I'm in the Ortho section rn where I'm averaging 1k-1.6 depending on my steps (15 miles this weekend) and everything is the protein version

ANYWAYS what I wanted to talk about was this post about PB

Like?? They're nominating the dude for PB sub owner and it just looks like an average amount of PB to me, and that's why it's a fear food except from powder

[shrinkingsnowdrop]

i will never unsee this

this thinspo has been stuck in my brain for a long time, and like a moth to a neon flame i return to it oh so often, it is my north star, i point towards it for guidance in hopes i can attain a fraction of it.

[rararahp]

gym bros undereat and call it a cut and nobody bats an eye, i undereat and society.. society says i have an ed