i am just a boy on my own

#barrett + shirts #jawbreaker

"I saw your browser history."

"Do you even know what you’re doing?"

"We’ve already tried this."

"You don’t even know what you’re doing."

"Beyonce isn’t that great."

"How many times do I have to tell you?"

"You have five seconds…"

"I don’t even know who you are."

...

luisavalenzuelaj

[ days like this lead to--- ] ( +barrett )

She gapes, ”Sara Bareilles’ hit single Gravity is a joy and a gift to the world. I was gifting it to Lima…. Before you went and interrupted me. Super, super rude.” She crossed her arms then, leaned back against the fridge and mulled over their situation. Their situation. An essential piece to the episodic tween dramedies that Moira watched day an day (they’d seeped into Nadia’s own tastes, eventually earning spots beside Million Dollar Listings: London) .”I’ll argue that you didn’t owe me anything. Forever.”

“Aside from that…I guess we’re pretty…alright now.” Shoulders sagged, Nadia bumped her head against the fridge door. Tension had built all along her body, and it released with a rush of relief. Maybe things would be better after that. Clearer. Bringing her hands together, Nadia turned to look at the plates overflowing with mashed-potatoes, ribs, steaks, hot dogs, salads, and such. ”Karfosky barbecues. A staple of neighborhood life.”

“——should we be selfish and fix ourselves some plates before everyone gets here or organize it a bit, and then steal some food?” Nadia asked with eyes that roamed over the vast landscapes of food. Although her stomach could pack pounds of it tight and put it all away, she was quickly filling up from sight alone.

He rolled his eyes at her gaping and tried his best not to grin. "Oh, right, sure, your songs are a gift to the world, but when I play Foreigner just a little too loud, suddenly it's like the worst thing ever." He said, his tone filled with a mock-exasperation. He missed bantering with Nadia. Hell, he missed most things about Nadia. She had a tendency to make the weight in his head feel lighter and much more airy, which was a feeling that he had been lacking a lot since their last few encounters. It's true, in that time, Barrett had figured out a lot about carrying his own burdens and growing up, but the feeling of lightness he felt around Nadia was still one he craved.

And though he had done a lot to figure himself out lately, there had still been one thing weighing heavy on his head - and that was his situation with Nadia. But now? "Yeah... We're pretty alright." He said with a small smile, nodding. And he was glad. He would never admit it, but their last words to each other had been nagging at the back of the head. Repetitions of you're a coward always seemed to echo somewhere in his mind. But hearing her tell him he wasn't, and he never was put the persistent twinge to rest, and telling her he was sorry seemed to lift a weight off of him. Yeah, they were pretty alright now.

"Psh, we don't need to organize anything. They can find it themselves." Barrett responded with a bit of a smirk. He turned around and opened one of the cabinets, rummaging through it before procuring a couple packages of paper plates. He tossed them down on the counter, ripped one open, and grabbed two. "Whatcha want, Dia?" He asked, eyes scanning the copious amounts of food.

#c: nadia #badia

[ days like this lead to--- ] ( +barrett )

“My brother—-once?” And she had promptly told Olson to shove it, far and deep into his mouth and never, ever utter it again—-she’d even leveled a secret at him (how he always drank all the cranberry juice before anyone else got it) to keep in that way. ”But I remember—-Oh, wow, that was so long ago. You were almost…falling off the edge of the fence.”Or clinging to it? She could see it from one of the kitchen’s windows.The fence, repaired over the years, that split their property from the Karofsky’s. ”I was outside. Minding my own business," The smile wouldn’t keep away, and so she hid it behind her hand—-fingers pressed over trembling lips until she spoke again.”And this little boy asks my name. ‘Dia? No, it’s Na-di-ah. That’s what I said! ‘Dia."

It had stuck. Forever. In her mind (and her heart).

Dia, again but this time different, and the smile dropped slightly at his gaze; fell quickly at the shrug. I’m not that kind of guy. She’d yelled otherwise at him, and then let that scar over every time they saw each other; through all the awkward, uncomfortable ‘heys’ or looks from afar. The pit of her stomach twisted, and a hand came over to massage it lightly. ”You’re right. You’re not that type of guy." Then there was nodding, a proper acknowledgement before the rest her words burst through. ”I was really wrong——and angry. Maybe… I thought that it’d be easy. To call your friends on some things but it’s not. I——couldn’t call Nataly and Edward out on their dumb dance, even when Roland walked in and swept Ed right off his feet. I can’t call Moira out on her stuff at all.”

“Words hurt, and I shouldn’t have called you a coward. You weren’t. Not then. Not…now."

#c: nadia #badia #(dis growth tho)

He couldn't help the grin that snuck onto his face at the recollection of the memory - the first time he ever met Nadia Jones. "I was six!" He defended, throwing his hands up. "Three syllables were a lot and I always liked Dia better!" He glared mockingly at her. "And you were not minding your own business, Miss 'I'm going to sing loud enough for the whole damn city to hear!" Okay so she had been quietly singing to herself and he'd been drawn to it... so what? And so what if after that, he'd gone inside and proudly told Hal that he met the neighbor and her name was Dia and she was gonna marry him, only to get relentlessly teased about it. (Hal still doesn't let him forget it. It's one of the few things that legitimately makes him blush like a dumbass)

You're not that type of guy. Here's the thing... despite all of the popularity, the snark, and the charm... Barrett had never wanted to be that type of guy. It had just kind of... fallen into his lap. The crown of McKinley fit, so he wore it, and with it came the stigma of being 'that guy.' But he never wanted to believe that he was that kind of guy... He struggled with it for awhile. Looking back, Barrett wasn't exactly proud of all that had happened during his reign at McKinley. But it was easy to not do anything to stop it. It was easy to coast at the top and not change anything. And it was easy to get caught up thinking that this was just the way it was. "See... but I kind of was..." He mumbled slightly, looking down and away. Barrett had fought such an extreme war within himself during this part year, but he came out of it with some interesting realizations. "I was kind of a coward. There was more I could have done... And I should have done.. And I'm sorry I didn't." His eyes found their way back to hers. "I wish I would have. I owed you that."

[ days like this lead to--- ] ( +barrett )

“No one’s called me that in a while——I… I missed it." Was offered as she grabbed a plate piled with briskets, and another with hot dogs.Clearing her throat, she added, ”Alright. Let’s find a place for these before the wolves descend.” Oh, and how they would later on, she had no doubt. The homey side of the feast spread through every door, and window; every crack in the wood and break in the wall, and allowed the kitchen to feel warm, and comforting. Even so, with such an overpowering presence of family, Nadia’s head focused on ‘Dia, Dia, Dia.’ It was almost giddy—-and wasn’t that dumb? Wasn’t that a bit of a childish fantasy? She’d be eighteen soon enough.

Clinging to the deep, low rumble of Dia wouldn’t do her any good at all.”I know. It’s weird.”

What the crap did you just say? FIX IT. ”Not a bad type of weird.” It was hard to gesture with two full meat plates on her hands, and she tried to solve that genius move by walking around, eyes scoping for a place to plop the dishes down; the top of the microwave would have to do for now. Nadia turned back, hands clenching and releasing the fabric of her dress, until fingers smoothed it over anxiously.

“I wasn’t angry. I knew you’d help—-I mean. God, that I wasn’t surprised you’d help me after what happened because—-I would’ve done the same so,” Her face wasn’t flushed as growing there, cheeks tinted light red as she rubbed at her cheeks in light fury. ”Words are so hard right now, and I sound like an idiot. We fought, and that can’t be ignored and we were both really. Really…stressed out, but it didn’t break things off. Completely."

“T-That’s good." Nadia added lamely.

#c: nadia #badia #(it hurts)

“No one’s called me that in a while——I… I missed it." Have you ever been punched directly in the gut by words? Because for a few seconds after that sentence, Barrett felt exactly the same as he did when his linemen missed a block and a defensive end came barreling through the line and lit his ass up during football season. It was hard to breathe for a second or two. "Does no one else call you that..?" He managed to ask once his breathing was back in order. For some reason, I missed that in his head was equating to I miss you and fuck he couldn't handle that right now.

He quickly shook his head to get himself back in the moment before noticing that she'd already grabbed plates and was a few steps ahead. Barrett scrambled to grab the remaining plates of meat and followed after her, quickening his step to catch up with her.

She was stammering and blushing and fumbling and Barrett couldn't help but be completely charmed by it. He smirked slightly at her inability to properly convey her feelings without her hands, and chuckled a bit. "I just... kind of wish you could see yourself trying to gesture with brisket right now.." He said with a bit of a grin, setting his plates down near hers. He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms, listening to her speak.

After she had finished, he nodded slowly. His brow scrunched slightly as he tried to figure out a proper way to say what he was feeling... It doesn't matter if you stabbed me with a spork. I'll always keep you safe because you're my Nadia and I'm your Barrett. No, probably not that. "Dia.." He began slowly, leveling his gaze across at her. "I mean, fighting or not, I'd never let anything bad happen to you." He said, shrugging slightly. "I mean..." He stopped again and took a breath. Damn, this conversation was starting to feel like a mine field. "I'm not that kind of guy..." I am not a coward...

BARRETT KAROFSKY (2/?): BARRETT + ROLAND

"Speaking of which where the hell have you been? Not to sound like a clingy boyfriend, who am I kidding, that’s exactly what I’m going for. From time to time I need my Broland time."

"Broland? Did you just call us by a couple name?"

#moodboard #broland #c: roland

[ days like this lead to--- ] ( +barrett )

Life hated her, or rather God went about sending messages in increasingly difficult ways. Its always been hard for her, and the sounds in the house added to that; they made everything overwhelming. When Barrett appears, arms laden with freshly-grilled meats, the voices were louder, her focus become lost—-And why in the hell did it smell like food, apart from the insane amount already on the tables,——He was carrying something. Right. ”Oh, the burgers! I mean,” She pushed the chair back a bit, standing up and away. “That smells——great.”

Suck it up. You have to. There’s no other way. You want to walk around like this? Like you’re walking on glass forever? You’ll regret it. ”We brought cornbread…and I think Olson brought craft beers in one of his mini-fridges? Collard greens, some chicken and salmon fillets." She couldn’t look at him then and instead chose to focus on moving the plates around to supply ample space for the new ones. She’s done in a few seconds, and looking at him again—-head-on—-was a weird experience. She felt a bit undeserving of it, given how their last interaction was covered in a drunken haze and the one before that was so…angry.

“Did I…say thank you? For the party and driving me home." She chooses to work through it; she looks at him, and the grimace on her face lifts into the barest of smiles. ”I was…stupid. I should’ve known was was in that cup and a lot of stuff could’ve happened. Bad stuff."

#playlist #(so this might be a loaded song for barrett)

Barrett would be lying if he said that he hadn't imagined having this impending conversation with Nadia before. Generally, in his head, it happened a bit differently, though. It had gone many different ways... but at no point, had he imagined he'd bump into her in his living room with his arms filled with grilled meat. And if Barrett Karofsky was anything, he was smooth as fuck. He always knew what to say, how to handle situations, and what to do to smooth things over.

But when it came to Nadia Jones, all of that went out the window. When it came to Nadia Jones, Barrett wasn't the same Barrett Karofsky that he'd built up for the past few years. Somehow, he always reverted back to the shy little six-year-old that poked his head over a picket fence and stuttering through a hello. God, it was pathetic.

She was avoiding eye contact, he noticed... though of course, it was through peripheral vision, as he had been avoiding it, too. Instead, his focus remained on the table in front of him. "I--um, oh... sweet." He stammered. He sat the plates down in the space that she had cleared off. "Thanks" he said, his head finally turning to face her. In that moment, she had apparently had a similar idea, and now he was looking into her eyes for the first time in weeks.

He'd be lying if he said his throat didn't dry up a little bit. She kind of had that effect on him sometimes. "Oh... uhh.. yeah, of course." He responded, shaking his head slightly as a small smile pulled at his mouth. "You know I wouldn't ever just leave you there, Dia." He shrugged slightly, letting his eyes fall down to his hand on the table, which was still fidgeting with one of the plates, before they returned to her face. "But... you're welcome."

#c: nadia #badia

BARRETT KAROFSKY (1/?): GENERAL PERSONALITY

"If William McKinley high school were Hollywood, then Barrett Karofsky would be Justin Bieber. While he would hate the thought of that comparison - it was fairly accurate. People either loved him or hated him, but either way, people thought of him."

#moodboard

andeverybodylies

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Everyone’s around, no words are coming out. And I can’t find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound? And I know this isn’t enough, I still don’t measure up. And I’m not prepared, sorry is never there when you need it. And I do want you to know I hold you up above everyone. And I do want you to know I think you’d be good to me And I’d be so good to you. Good To You - Marianas Trench

[ days like this lead to--- ] ( +barrett )

“Get over yourself, get over yourself—-" And step into the god-damn house—-Lord, forgive me. It works. Angry mantras were reserved for poor sportsmanship during competition (“Show choir is a bloodsport," Moira sing-songed in her head) and finals. Not for this, but it works. There were people moving in and out of different rooms, grabbing chairs, and bowls and cutlery. It’s a miracle she isn’t She moved down the main hallway, which leads right into the open backdoor—-and there should’ve been a needle scratch there because Barrett was within view of the doorway. Working away at the grill.

This isn’t a goddamn—forgive her—-Esquire magazine male star lineup issue, why is he sweating and why is the sun hitting everything at the right angles? A woman walked out of a doorway to her left, allowing for her to slip in and slide into an empty seat. The plate of cornbread rested in her grip as Nadia caught her breath at the dinner table—-laden with plates of rich foods and sweets. Sure, half of the stuff was most likely the Karofsky’s but any of the other families that adored cookouts wouldn’t stand for being outdone. Her head thuds against the wall as she thinks, ‘Was that a tan? That was a tan. I hate California.’

“Just leave the cornbread somewhere and hide.” Nadia mutters to herself before beginning to wonder if there was a way to fit the cornbread somewhere safe within the sea of food.

#c: nadia #badia #/awkward penguins

Almost as soon as he caught sight of her, Barrett whipped his head back around to the grill (okay so MAYBE there was like a split second where he stared because Nadia Jones was so physically perfect that he couldn't even beg-- wait, what were we talking about again? Right. Back to the point. Definitely wasn't staring.) Blue eyes stayed glued to the grill in front of him. Shit. How had he not prepared for this? Of course she would be there. She was his neighbor, after all. But still... he wasn't quite prepared to deal with the deep aching in the pit of his stomach that sounded a lot like 'you're a coward.' and looked a lot like tears in the eyes of Nadia Jones.

"Here you go, bub." Barrett was pulled out of his thoughts by the voice of his father. His eyes snapped up from the grill and to the man that stood next to him. "Just go ahead and put them on the dinner table with the rest of the food." Dave said, sliding a few plates on the table next to the grill. He gave his son a quick pat on the back before heading back in to the party. Barrett pulled all of the burgers and hot dogs off of the grill and slid them on the plates before picking the plates up and heading inside.

He wasn't sure exactly where Nadia had gotten to. Blue eyes scanned the terrain as he walked, looking for the girl in question... He wasn't quite sure yet if he was trying to avoid her or trying to talk to her... But either way, he wasn't sure where she had gotten to. That was, at least, until he made it to the table and sat the plates down, nearly bumping into someone sitting down next to the table. "Oh shit... so--" He looked down at the person in question. Well, fuck. Search over. There she was. "--rry..."

TIGERS_AND_BEARS someone won't stop snapchatting me #creep #nicedogthough @surfergirl23

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erikmac43 damn who is that? i wouldn't complain.

wmhsstud07 get it karofsky

surfergirl23 dick :p

[ days like this lead to--- ] ( +barrett )

The cream dress slips on easily, one strap falling by the wayside in the process; hands with hot pink painted nails, adorned with golden stars, pull it back up, and Nadia stares at the hand for a second, reflected in the vanity’s mirror. On the small,worn stool before it, she twists and turns, gripping the edges tightly; closing her eyes to hear the hustle and bustle flow up between the floorboards of the home.

“—dia! We’re walking over. Bring the cakes.” Johanne’s rich, deep voice carries up over the long stream of bustling——people parking their cars, chatting, making their way into the home right beside hers. ”On it!” She calls down. Her bare feet touch the bottom stair as the front screen door slams shut, but they’re soon slipped into flat sandals previously abandoned by the kitchen doorway. The chattering, talking, laughing—-the mix and match of warm and loud voices—grows louder as Nadia, armed with a plate of cornbread cakes and anxiety, makes the eternal walk over to the other house.

Of course, her feet stop at the open front door, planted firmly on the porch, while people walk around inside. Just walk in already, she thinks. Walk in.

#c: nadia #badia #//aw yiss

Barrett pressed the bottom of his spatula against one of the many hamburger patties that lay across the Karofsky grill, causing it to hiss. It's true, Barrett lacked a lot of culinary skills, but if there was one thing he was good at, it was manning a grill. It was a skill he'd picked up early... because if you knew anything about Lima, you knew that Karofsky barbecues happened often, and were expected to be nothing less than stellar every time.

It was an unusually warm day in Ohio, so even a cut-off Lima football t-shirt and khaki cargo shorts weren't keeping a slight sweat from forming on his skin. He reached up to adjust the backwards USC hat he was wearing, pushing it up slightly and off his brow line before flipping one of the burgers. "Pop, the burgers are almost done." He shouted towards the inside of the house. "One minute, Bear, Mercedes just got here." Was the response he received.

His eyes widened slightly. Oh, of course. In the midst of buying food and grilling, he'd forgotten one of the basic facts of Karofsky barbecues: the Jones family always came. And he hadn't seen Nadia in... well, for awhile. He craned his body around slightly to look in the back door. And in true movie fashion, through the crowd of people, there was a straight line of sight to the front door.

There she was.

And she looked good.

Fuck.

"Don't get me wrong,"

"No, actually, it’s awful," Nataly replied, shaking her head. She scanned the shelves for the box and picked it up, turning the box over in her hands. "This is kind of a harsh shade. She should go with Clairol…it’s a little less drying."

"I think in the very least, y’all should make amends before you leave. Or maybe I’m dumb, and the fact that you have a pretty unique nickname for a girl that apparently doesn’t want anything to do with you means nothing.” Nataly shrugged. “Food for thought, Bear.”

#c: nataly #//dumb bear is dumb

"Really? I like it. But fine, have it your way, blueberry." Barrett said with a shrug. He stared blankly at the box in her hands. "Uhhh..." He scratched his head before shrugging. "Sure let's do that. I'll tell her it was your suggestion though so I don't get blamed for it."

"I've called her Dia since I was eight..." He mumbled, a small, sad smile spreading across his face. "I don't know... she made it pretty clear that she didn't want anything to do with me a few months ago..." He sighed, shrugging.

"Don't get me wrong,"

theatrixs

"Great. More food nicknames. Much creative. Very impress." Nat rolled her eyes. "Has your sister texted you back yet, homes?"

"Oh my gooooooo—NADIA. IT’S NADIA." Nataly threw her hands in the air. "Normally, I would’t have even brought it up and let the powers that be handle it, but she’s been stalking your Instagram and being all sigh, and frankly, now that I have a boo of my own I kind of just want everyone’s lives to get figured out. So even if you don’t like-like her, I know you care about her because of the clusterfuck that was your joint birthday party with Roland and—” She sighed. “Ugh. She wants to talk to you. I can feel it. So go make it happen before you leave for California or I’ll shank you.”

"I mean I'm sure I could think of more... How about strawberry shortcake? That sound good?" He smirked a bit and reached into his pocket, grabbing his phone. "Oh, yeah... she did...Ummmm Nice n' Easy natural black?"

"Wait... what?" Barrett narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Dia? No... that can't be right.. I'm pretty sure she still kind of hates me..." He muttered, left hand reaching back to rub the back of his neck. "She doesn't -- I mean -- I've never been that to her."

#c: nataly

"Don't get me wrong,"

"Ew! Never!" Nataly exclaimed, bringing her hands up to cover either side of her hair. "Do you know the amount of work that goes into this?! No, you don’t. And I’m thinking about going blue, anyway."

"…a friend. Maybe you know her. Kinda religious, super optimistic, sings like a complete angel…" The young red-haired girl hinted, hoping that she wouldn’t have to spell it out for him.