My Absolute Chaotic Life

I am just your average Native American living among the many different souls in this world.

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Unidentified

The doctors came opened the doors and I did not want to make eye contact with them until the doors shut so I could count how many swings the door would make. If it would land on an even number everything will be okay and if not then the worst was to come. I counted up to 9 swings. I took a deep breath and awaited the tragic news. Orvil had passed. I now feel as if I will never escape this pain and suffering, regression upon regression never being able to find myself. This is truly unfortunate.

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State of mind = Anguish

Everyone was shot and killed by Tony and Octavio even themselves. Bill Davis a very strange character was shot in the head and Octavio was killed by Tony. What a terrible, terrible way to spend time with your thought to be friends. I do not even know anymore whether what is definite and what is not. What am i even saying I was never aware of any of it. I was always and always will be uncertain of everything. 

[bearshield-blog1]

Orvil is in the emergency room and the rest of us that are alive now are waiting impatiently for the results. I don’t want to lose Orvil he is such a good friend and such a good character to me. I will be lost forever if he does pass. Never being able to find who i truly am or who i truly could be.

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Tragedy, so tragic.

There has been a shooting at the game we are at and we still don’t know where Orvil is! We are getting worried about him, I really don’t want to think what I think happened, but it’s a possibility and a reality that might be true. I’ll update on this story later.

[bearshield-blog1]

It is worse than I could ever imagine, Orvil and Thomas both close to me and loved dearly, have been shot by someone I would’ve never thought. Tony and Octavio, two people I considered to be truthful and caring people as they’ve treated me in the past, have now committed a felony. Thomas died because he was shot right in the throat. There was no telling what he could’ve done other than duck or play dead or something! Why is it always me? Why can’t I just be normal? Live a normal life and be a normal person for heaven’s sake.

[bearshield-blog1]

delivering mail sucks

I cannot deliver mail normally, rather I need to use numbers to decide which houses I go to first. This routine is sometimes inconvenient but I think if I get rid of the bad first (odd numbers) the rest of my day will be good. This is the sole reason as to why I do it. NOW it just seems like this routine decides my everyday tasks, which is annoying but whatever.

[bearshield-blog1]

State of mind = Anguish

Everyone was shot and killed by Tony and Octavio even themselves. Bill Davis a very strange character was shot in the head and Octavio was killed by Tony. What a terrible, terrible way to spend time with your thought to be friends. I do not even know anymore whether what is definite and what is not. What am i even saying I was never aware of any of it. I was always and always will be uncertain of everything. 

[bearshield-blog1]

Tragedy, so tragic.

There has been a shooting at the game we are at and we still don’t know where Orvil is! We are getting worried about him, I really don’t want to think what I think happened, but it’s a possibility and a reality that might be true. I’ll update on this story later.

[bearshield-blog1]

Fun Time with Friends

I and some others are going to watch an Oakland Athletics game later on today! I am so excited and have been wanting to spend time with some people because as of late I’ve been alone and longing for some company. This is the perfect opportunity for that, just me and my friends.

[bearshield-blog1]

So far the game has been good I am not sure as to why I stopped coming to these. However, we cannot find Orvil and we are getting worried as to where he is. I don’t want to lose another loved one, I am not sure I’ll be able to handle it.

[bearshield-blog1]

Fun Time with Friends

I and some others are going to watch an Oakland Athletics game later on today! I am so excited and have been wanting to spend time with some people because as of late I’ve been alone and longing for some company. This is the perfect opportunity for that, just me and my friends.

[somecutething]

Parents watching their creation.

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I’ve never had a relationship with anyone like this before, not even my own parents. I could only imagine how different I and my granddaughter would be if we had loving parents. We are both distressed and lost in what we are supposed to do. If only I was able to have at least one loving person in my life, I would probably be way more different.

[quotespile]

But inside us there is a word we cannot pronounce and that is who we are.

Anthony Marra, A Constellation Of Vital Phenomena (via quotespile)

I want to be able to relate to this, but it seems I am unable to. Does this mean that we can’t pronounce it because we don't know who we are? If we can pronounce it does that mean we know who we are? This has confused me beyond belief and identity is yet to be found.

[bearshield-blog1]

Superstitious Mail

How I love my job, delivering mail to such great people, seeing how happy they get makes me feel a sense of hope and identification. These people make me feel like I have meaning in this world unlike everything else that has happened. Numbers also help me calm down and relax, feeling as if nothing matters just those even numbers. Odd numbers bring the negative so I get rid of those first when I’m delivering mail. Then comes the great even numbers who bring me such joy and a sense of safety and security. 

[bearshield-blog1]

Lovely Coins

Mario Brother's in-game coins now have a soft spot in my heart. I’ve always loved video games to some extent, but for some reason, these coins remind me of windmills. These coins especially calm me down when I feel I don't belong anywhere, which is all the time. They give me a sense of happiness when I remember the sound it makes when you acquire one. Absolutely lovely.

[naiveasf]

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LUCAS! My love for McDonald’s food is timeless. However, you, Lucas, for some odd reason hate it. This picture definitely represents how I was during our argument debating whether or not McDonald’s was good or not. That was a great day after losing my sister to the system for over a year now. My emotions couldn't handle it, so thanks once again for such a great time at the Indian Center.

[aperturesavy]

Everyone knows I’m crazy afraid of spiders.. But I was mesmerized by this jumping spider that came into the studio!

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This spider reminds me of the time I woke up with some spider legs on my legs, kind of strange. I think something is growing inside me, something so grotesque, but magical only readily available emotions like shame are able to handle.

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solid stone of nothingness

I feel as if there’s a tsunami of built up emotions within threating to drown me any second of the day. I hate when this happened because it feels like doing anything is impossible even simple daily tasks like delivering mail, which I love doing. However, I've found a circumvent to this problem, just stay busy and distract, then distract the distraction and get twice removed. I get lost in the whirring noise of nothingness and it feels great.

[bearshield-blog1]

Messy

As unsocial as I am, I’ve made more conversation with Tony and Octavio. I never really enjoyed conversing with people as I don’t like the idea of them knowing who I truly am. I don’t want to be Native American as much as I love the history and heritage of my own culture. I hate how much I struggle with everyday tasks because of my inability to find who I am, even if I know who I could be if I just stopped caring.

[bearshield-blog1]

The Tracks of My Tears - Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

Classic Motown

I absolutely adore this track!

It’s possibly my favorite piece of music ever created. As it has an upbeat tone, but the lyrics are deep and meaningful. I, once again, adore this song. It is a timeless piece of art.