it would've been 100% funnier if Edward's approach to getting Bella to appreciate her humanity was less begging her to not be a vampire and more....forcing himself to hang out with her human friends so she has a normal teenage experience lmao
could you imagine Edward Cullen at like...a high school football game?
getting dragged to an amusement park on senior ditch day
at some party and he has to pretend to be drunk to fit in with all the others
Mike, Eric, Tyler and Ben all start insisting on calling him Eddie
he goes on shopping trips with the girls because he's the only one with a running car that also has trunk space for their bags
he starts using his mind reading powers for The Gossip(tm) and Jessica is absolutely obsessed...finally someone with decent intell
God at some party everyone's lowkey high and they start playing truth or dare and Edward's using his powers to choose the least embarrassing option but Bella catches on and Edward Trusts Her so she picks him and he's expecting something tame like...truth what's your favorite color, dare kiss me or something lol but Bella looks him in the eyes and with no mercy dares him to strip tease while rapping an Eminem song. Mike films it. Edward didn't talk to her at all the next day lmao
they all go see a horror movie together and to Bella's absolute delight 1) it turns out to be a vampire movie and 2) Edward falls for every single jump scare
The Guys(tm) invite Edward to some weird bro bonding sleep over and Edward's expecting to be bored out of his mind without Bella but 3 redbulls, 2 video games and one ouija board session later they're all crying about their deepest fears to each other. Edward's telling them he's scared that if Bella marries him it will doom her eternal soul to hell but he can't live without her and they're like 'Eddie dude that's so specific calm down' 'have you considered therapy man??' 'bro you guys are 17'
Edward and Bella get roped into helping out with the senior prank and it goes t e r r i b l y. First time in half a century one of the Cullens have gotten suspended from school lmao
he sneaks Angela's little brothers candy every time they hang out at her house
Jessica begs him to tell her what Rosalie's skincare routine is but the vampire's don't even really have to shower they can just wipe stuff off and be good to go and he knows Nothing about skincare so he panics and tells her something absolutely batshit that nearly ruins her skin and Bella and Esme make him treat Jess to a spa day as an apology and Rose searches up everything on human skincare and buys some stuff for her
GOD can you imagine how helpful it would of been during eclipse to have completely non-objective friends chime in on the love triangle bullshit...Edward can vent about it without mentioning the vampire's and werewolves and they can tell him he's being dumb because she's clearly head over heels for him and is just friends with Jake
He's like 'but what if she stops loving me,,,' and they're like 'dude she's literally wedding planning with your sister and mom right now please shut the fuck up'
one day they plan a beach trip to somewhere other than La Push and it's cloudy enough that Edward should be fine if he keeps a shirt on and from then on the group has a mission: See Edward Shirtless. they go to LENGTHS. switching into his gym class. spilling things on him. begging Bella to take pictures for them. Good Christian Edward(tm) is scandalized but Bella thinks it's hilarious and keeps telling them he had crazy tattoos
Edward trying to fake pop culture knowledge to fit in but it's not working so he actually has to start paying attention to shit from the current decade and now he won't stop ranting to Bella about Harry Potter and he's very invested in Britney Spears' mental health
Edward trying to decode text talk and everyone makes fun of him bc he texts like a grandpa
Edward after one joint is on a full rant about how America should have handled the Spanish Influenza- like he has a detailed list of complaints and ideas- and everyone is like 'Bella I know he's rich but he's such a nerd Are You Sure you love him' skdjjdmd
anyway. let the old man act like a teenager for once. as a treat.
“Everyone knows that you’re my favorite girl. But there are some things in life that are not meant to be…”
Twenty years after New Moon, Bella meets up with Jacob again.
Canon compliant until the end of New Moon. Jacob left Bella’s life after Edward’s phone call. Everything with Bella/Edward happened as in the books, just without Jacob.
Title and description quote from “Good Life” by Francis Dunnery.
“Jake, please. I’m sorry. I have… I can’t let him hurt this way. I have to save him,” Bella said, frantically throwing a bag together. Alice met her at the top of the stairs, snatching the backpack out of her hands and shoving some clothes into it.
“He left you, Bella. He wouldn’t do the same for you,” Jacob said, running after them as they fled out the door. Alice was already in the car, the engine running with Bella’s backpack in the backseat. Bella turned to face him.
“I… I love him, Jake. I don’t care. I’m sorry. We have to go now.” Alice honked the horn as if to punctuate that statement.
“No, you don’t. He’s not your problem anymore. You could be happy without him, if you tried.” He took her hands in his, pulling her close. Her head felt clearer, if only for a moment. “Stay with me. Stay with Charlie. With Angela and Quil and Seth and so many here that love you. Don’t throw that away for him again. Please, Bella, please. Let us love you.” Bella had nothing to say. Her head felt all jumbled again like in her car and in her kitchen, Jacob so close to her, her Jacob, her safe harbor…
But he wasn’t hers, not really. And she wasn’t his. She pulled away from him now.
“I’m sorry, Jacob. I don’t want to be happy without him.” She turned and ran towards the car. Alice had the door already open for her.
“Bella…” Jacob had nothing to add.
“Take care of yourself!” Bella called just as the door slammed shut and the car pulled away. Her voice cracked on the last word. Jacob stood in the yard until the car was out of sight, praying it would turn around and she would run back to him full of apology and love and promises for their future. He knew it wouldn’t she had made her choice, and it wasn’t him. It never would be. Now it was time to make his.
He stood outside until it started raining, a light drizzle that picked up as he ran inside. Charlie would be home soon, and he would have to explain where Bella was when he wasn’t even sure himself. He was never sure of her.
if vampires existed in real life i think there would be shady companies advertising "organic blood" sourced from "willing donors" who are coincidentally all poor people being paid like $5 per blood donation. and like haughty vegan vampires who only drink a synthetic blood drink thats brewed in a way thats actively worse for the enviroment. and radical traditionalist vampires who go on tiktok and claim that true alpha chads have to drain and kill people and anyone who leaves their victims alive is a liberal cuck. enter the world of hypothetical insufferable vampire politics with me.
it would've been so easy to give Bella and Alice something in common: sewing.
if Bella is growing up balancing budgets, she & Renee are obviously tight on money. darling socks, mending holes, embroidering over stains, & basic tailoring are all simple household chores that save money & position Bella as a "responsible old soul."
Bella sews out of necessity but never has the money to work with quality fabrics or make her own clothes. she can be interested in how articles are assembled & still hate shopping & trying stuff on. but Alice can teach her new techniques & broaden Bella's horizons, turning what was once a household chore into a hobby they both share
And also: it would give explanation for WHY Bella hates shopping, cause if budgets where tight, and she was having to mend her clothes, shopping could be touchy for her since she probably didn’t get to shop often, and maybe only from second hand stores.
!!!! shopping only reminds Bella of the money issues she had to deal with growing up. & since we know Renee is canonically spending on her hobbies, i can see Bella refusing to splurge because she doesn't want to turn into her mom. even if it means having holes in her shoes & patchwork jeans from middle school that are becoming a size too small.
AU where Bella’s gift is not so much a shield as it is an Uno reverse card
Edward can read everyone’s mind but Bella’s as in canon, but now she can read Edward’s mind
Alice’s visions are blank where she’s concerned (like the werewolves in canon), but Bella can see visions of the future involving Alice, or has visions when she’s around Alice. Jasper’s gift is already kinda 2-way so he can still sense/manipulate her emotions, but she can do it back to him. She can hurt Jane, zap Kate, etc etc
Bella would have the weirdest fucking first day of school anyone has ever had, ever. There’s a voice in her head saying “yeah okay I guess she’s pretty but kind of plain and— wait why can’t I hear her” and then Biology is just. The worst hour of her life. but being Bella she’s just sitting there like
…while Edward plans the death of her and all her classmates right next to her
I’m not quite done with this idea but i don't think i'm in a place to sit down and write a fic so i'll just word vomit here
First of all, my two fav side effects of this AU:
Not only does Edward not have the edge on Bella that he has on everyone, but she has that edge on him. He's forced to be vulnerable to her the same way everyone but her is forced to be with him. He's getting a taste of his own medicine in the worst way. (not that he's invading others' privacy on purpose most of the time, but it is what it is)
2a. Edward does a lot of romanticizing Bella, because he can. She's the one person onto whom he can project. It sounds nastier than it is-- that's how all relationships are to some degree, especially at first before you get to know the person. The difference is how much of a novelty this is for Edward. Finally, he can get to know someone at a normally pace, not privy to private events they don't mean to share. He goes a little overboard idealizing her because she's the first mystery he's had in a long ass time. Except now... Bella can catch him doing it. (“What do you mean ‘it’s enlightening and alluring to see me in my element’ I’m pouring cereal??”)
2b. Bella's got the reverse now. She gets all Edward's dirty laundry from the jump. She meets him at his very worst... and she sees him rise above it, and how quickly he turns around.
Okay busting out my copy of Midnight Sun for this play-by-play of the first book:
Obviously a big plot change is Bella knows Edward is a vampire from day one. Even if she doesn't clue in from anything she hears from him in the cafeteria (she might not even fully realize what's happening in the cafeteria; maybe Bella's telepathy doesn't have as long a range as Edward's bc she's human and also "borrowing" the gift), it's super obvious as soon as her scent hits him in Biology.
She's frozen in place from the shock of suddenly having telepathy + the revelation that vampires are real + Edward's a telepath (that can't hear her?) + the sheer violence in Edward's thoughts. She manages to gather her thoughts enough to consider running out of the room or even asking to be excused, but she doesn't trust her voice to not give away her terror, which would escalate the situation. So she sits next to him. And freaks out the whole time (see original post)
Class ends and Edward runs out and Bella decides very, very quickly that Edward Cullen cannot know that she can read his mind and knows about him being a vampire. Surely he would follow through on killing her if he knew. She's got to play it cool like none of this ever happened. She can't tell anyone, because he (and his vampire family?) would kill them too.
Some of Edward's thoughts in Biology involved following her home and eating her there so there'd be less casualties. She has no way of knowing that he ran away to Alaska. It's not even a comfort that he doesn't return to school; she spends the whole time he's away waiting for him to appear out of thin air and kill her. She sharpens a stick from her backyard into a stake which she keeps in her backpack because she has no way of knowing it couldn't work, and she doesn't want to feel totally helpless, even if it's a silly gesture. No harm in trying.
In this time she does get some flashes of Alice's visions during lunch now that Alice has turned her "eye" on her. She has no clue what to make of them. Her with red eyes?? Her smiling with Alice?? Her with Edward?? These cannot be coming from her own imagination what the fuck is going on, she must be losing her mind from everything that's been happening
Edward comes back to school and Bella's picking up snippets from him from across the room. he seems much less murder-y. but she's not ready to trust that after everything she heard that first day. It doesn't help that Edward is coming in with every intention of gaslighting her ("Why didn’t she look up? Probably she was frightened. I must be sure to leave her with a different impression this time. Make her think she’d been imagining things before.")
The thing about Bella trying to hide her telepathy, which becomes very apparent in Biology on Edward's first day back, is she's never had to do that before. It's very difficult. It doesn't help that Edward's internal monologue is trained on how helpless she is and how it hurts to breathe near her because she smells so tasty
Talking to Edward is just difficult in general bc vampires are canonically capable of having multiple trains of thought at once. She rarely gets a singular coherent streamlined train of thought from him; she gets bits and pieces in a collage that she tries to make sense of. Talking to him is like talking to five people at once. + we know Bella is frequently ~dazzled~ by his beauty. Edward quickly becomes very concerned for this poor girl. She’s hanging on by a THREAD
Of course Bella hears this worry so she’s in a positive feedback loop of anxiety. RIP
anyway Bella doesn’t do a perfect job of hiding her fear and her newfound ability. She slips up juuuust enough that Edward is Suspicious. But she makes it through
The tipping point for Bella going from "terrified" to "oh this is a complicated creature" is the incident with Tyler's van. For a horrible moment, Bella's absorbed in Alice's vision of her getting squished. Then she hears Not her! in her head in Edward's voice, clear as day. And she hears all Edward's anxiety over the potential for exposure but also how he just really, really doesn't want her to die (even if it's confusing him). She laughs a little too hard at his "no blood, no foul" joke at the hospital because she's in on it now and she's too stressed to think better of it.
I think her mind also, like. snaps. at this point. She's done worrying. He's gonna kill her or he's not. He can't even seem to decide, and she can't do anything about it anyway, she's just going to keep on keeping on and if she dies, well, at least the end of her life will have been the most interesting bit? And yeah she's a little bit of a freak and she's fascinated by this guy. What is his deal. She’s along for the ride now
Bella doesn't grill Edward for the truth of how he got over to her so fast but she does slip up and thank him for risking so much to save her and he's like wait. Does she mean risking his life with the van or risking exposure of me and my family? There's no way she could know about that??
Of course that day is the day Alice lets it slip to Edward that he's going to fall in love with Bella. Bella isn't present for that, but the next month is when Edward refuses to talk to Bella. He thinks he's icing her out but she hears a constant stream of I do NOT have a crush on her, I AM going to kill Mike Newton, I am NOT falling for her— even if it'd be so easy to fall for her— I wonder what she's thinking right now, I will NOT destroy her future, my throat HURTS, [catastrophizing over an imagined future of Bella marrying some human man], and honestly it's still freaky as hell to be privy to a vampire's mind but, again, her mind's kinda snapped by now. and she can't help but be a tiny bit amused. At least he's not fighting "the monster within" anymore? Is this some weird strategy to keep from killing her? Sure, fine, whatever, thanks
Bella catches snippets of memories of the family meeting about killing her too. Btw. Much 2 think about
When Edward finally asks her if she wants a ride to Seattle, she hears how genuinely nervous he is, and she knows, fucking knows exactly how dangerous he is, so she honestly shocks herself when she says yes. He hasn’t killed her yet, and he’s genuinely fascinating... at this point she’s Into him but also studying him like a bug
At lunch that day, Bella hears in Edward’s head that he’s ditching because they’re blood typing in Bio. She can’t think of a good excuse to also ditch. Edward is extremely confused that she leaves for Biology like she’s about to walk into a war zone
Port Angeles happens much the same as in canon with Bella feigning ignorance and acting like she hasn’t known about Edward being a vampire from day one. It seems silly to admit she figured out the vampire thing but not mention the borrowed telepathy. But every time she opens her mouth to admit to the telepathy, she remembers the snippets of the family meeting about killing her, and she chokes on her own tongue. It’s one thing for a vampire to choose to confirm a human’s suspicions about the existence of vampires. It’s another entirely for a human to have direct access to a vampire’s mind and the whole coven’s secrets through him, right?
So now Bella’s stuck herself in a horrible situation where Edward’s trying to be honest with her and she’s lying to his face. angst angst angst
Bella doesn’t realize that night that she’s in love with Edward. She's a little too busy freaking out over if/how she can possibly come clean completely. And questioning why she just so very wretched when her lies are justifiable; it's a matter of life and death. She's not sure she can keep pretending she can't hear him, though, not if they keep spending so much time together. It's one thing to casually chat with him at school... but to have any kind of relationship with him? She's not that good an actress
Edward has a really conflicting image of Bella because she seems to be so very afraid, but afraid of what exactly, he cannot say. She seemed to pick and choose her wording for her questions so very carefully, but his answers were met with no surprise.
The idea that she can read his mind is just so far-fetched it never occurs to Edward, btw— even he couldn’t read thoughts as a human.
Bella hears the Bug Math in the meadow. I just wanted to point that out. It’s hilarious. She has to stifle her laughter
I’m thinking Bella finally comes clean about "hearing" Edward around Midnight Sun page 349. this exchange...
…but when she says “you know, the rest of us feel that way all the time” it’s absolutely stricken with guilt and nerves. He never gets a choice in telling her what he’s thinking. It’s finally being thrown in her face. He's so earnest and vulnerable in this moment. She can’t keep this up anymore. This can’t go on— not without him knowing
So after Edward thinks, "her people, her kind", her heart rate spikes and she finally braces herself says “No, ‘the rest of us’ includes your family. They can’t read minds, either.”
Even with his Vampiric Supercomputer Brain™ it takes a good 15 seconds for him to register that she’s responding to something he didn’t say out loud. He sits frozen until he finally chokes out her name, strangled. This is the quietest his mind has ever been to her. She broke him. Good lord did she trigger something, is he going to kill her— no, he wouldn’t, but what if—
Bella immediately starts crying. Sorry, babygirl. Yeah. she terrified. She thinks Here it comes. She starts babbling. She blurts out the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. “I’m not like you. Not really. I can only ‘hear’ you. And I don’t think my range is as far as yours, from what you’ve described. I’ve been afraid to tell you because I figured someone like you couldn’t let someone like me live with the knowledge I have now, but because I was afraid to let you suspect I knew anything, I got to know you“ etc etc
Edward is frozen through all of it. Straight corpsin’ it. Bella’s now getting static from his brain— too many thoughts too fast for her human mind to pick anything comprehensible out.
Boy oh boy if Edward was struggling with the mortifying ordeal of being known before… he just found out the woman he’s in love with has been live-streaming his inner monologue every second they’ve been together. She got an advanced copy of Midnight Sun. Oof 👌
He’s really, really angry. At Bella, for hiding this. At himself, for not seeing it sooner. At himself again, for every wicked thought he’s had in her presence (I know he’s prob not catholic but the catholic guilt is strong in this one). Every shared moment with her flashes before his eyes in reverse chronological order, leaving him off with the first day in Biology. Truly the most heinous thoughts he hath ever thunk, in his opinion. And she heard it. All of it.
“You’re here.” He says. “You know exactly how close I’ve come to killing you, over and over again… and you’re here. With me.” It occurs to him that Bella could’ve been going along with his plans and pretending to be his friend for fear of her life, but she hears that train of thought and shuts it down: “Yes, I’m here. Because I want to be.” Edward winces because "okay, yes, it does suck being on this side of the telepathy, confirmed." This makes Bella smile, fianlly.
Still, he tells her in short order, because it needs to be said: “You can leave right now. You can never talk to me again. I won’t come after you, and I’ll protect you from my family.” He silently prays that Alice loves Bella enough to not tell Rose or Jasper about this if she’s seen it, and then winces when he realizes Bella can probably hear that he’s not 100% certain he could protect her from his family.
She takes his hand. Gives him a really sad smile. “I’ll stay… if you’re sure you want me to.”
Edward starts choking/laughing/sobbing. Here’s this girl who’s seen him at pretty much his lowest, laughed her way through his feeble disguise, and somehow still accepts him.
Hearing this thought, something occurs to Bella: she loves him. Isn’t that what love is? Seeing someone’s worst, and taking their hand? Maybe she’s not in love with him yet, but… yeah, that’s some kind of love. One thing's for sure, she's never felt so loved as she does in this moment, Edward's awe and joy broadcasted straight into her brain, and looking at her like she hung the moon.
Now she’s looking at him like she loves him. Edward doesn’t dare believe that’s the expression she’s wearing, so her softened gaze and slight smile are driving him crazy: “Tell me what you’re thinking— I think I’m justified in asking, now” He’s still reeling so he’s gonna crack a joke, ok
“I meant it when I said you’re beautiful. And I wasn't just talking about the sun.” she says. He can appreciate that more now— she knew how truly monstrous he was when she said that. He’s been dead wrong about her not understanding, or underestimating the danger he poses— she knows. It doesn’t really connect in his brain. He's speechless.
While he struggles to find the words, she gets the urge to kiss his silly awestruck face. She goes in for it slowly, keeping a mental ear out for any sign that his control will slip, but she loses her control as she does in their first kiss in canon.
When they get back to Bella's house, Edward wonders (with great discomfort) if Bella probably knows he's been watching her sleep, and of course Bella hears that. She didn't know-- she can't hear him when she's asleep, and he's only ever shown up when she was already unconscious and left before she woke up, but she knows now, and when her head whips around to look at him with a shocked (though amused) expression, Edward realizes he outed himself and he wants to melt into the floor. Bella laughs at his expression.
When they go to the Cullen house the next day to ~meet the family~, Alice has seen the revelation yesterday, but hasn't told the others. She lets Bella do it. Emmett laughs and laughs, calling Bella the unluckiest person in the world if she has to hear Mr. Mopey Overthinker's stream of consciousness. Rosalie is less angry than Edward and Bella anticipated; she's smug (Edward's getting a taste of his own medicine). Jasper is wary but accepting. Esme is just happy Edward's found happiness; the telepathy changes nothing for her. Carlisle is fascinated. ...Bella gets all their mental reactions to the news through Edward, emotional responses from Jasper, and visions from Alice at once, and nearly passes out.
...she does pass out from all the heightened emotions, franti thoughts, and changing futures later when the nomads crash the baseball game.
Once James starts tracking Bella, Bella compulsively starts tracking him. Idk how exactly that manifests or how it changes the plot, but it messes with her head big time. She's got this urge to hunt him down and kill him, with no means to actually confront him. She's got this animosity that she knows doesn't belong to her but she can't make it go away, and no other aspect of her "gift" has felt quite so invasive. The Cullens' gifts got into her mind, but they didn't change her motivations or feelings. She grows paranoid that the change is permanent and won't die with James. yay trauma
Again idk how exactly the plot of the climax will be affected so let's skip to the aftermath. Bella gets to hear Edward thinking he'll kill her himself as he's sucking the venom out \o/
Bella still ends up in the hospital and Edward still tortures himself. Bella can hear clear as day that he's convincing himself to leave her. The conversation doesn't change much from canon, but Bella's POV is more sullen and resigned, hearing Edward.
Prom obviously isn't a surprise in this AU, but she goes along with it willingly because she can hear how important it is to Edward. They still end up arguing over changing her. Bella cites hearing how much of a struggle Edward endures constantly over not breaking her; life would be so much easier for both of them if she was a vampire. She also asks if there's a chance that she'll have better control over her "gift" when she's a vampire; it's the first time she explicitly complains about the mental toll it takes on her. It's the wrong move; she hears Edward think that her gift would be a moot point if there were no vampires in her life at all.
Real talk i live for the ghost stories undoubtedly told of Esme Platt"s pseudonym. A pregnant woman with a non-existent past materialises in 1920, Wisconsin, too pregnant for her War Widow story to ring quite true, vanishes from the hospital bed just after her son was born. Her dead body was spotted at the bottom of the cliffs, and she was taken back to the hospital for the coroner to sign her death certificate. Only when it came time for autopsy, the woman's body was just fucking gone??
Im sorry but theres no way Ashland wasnt ringing w stories for years about what tf happened on that cliff. 100% theres a legend of the 'Red Lady of the Cliffs', who killed her husband and his vengeful spirit finished her off on those cliffs, leaving her ghost to walk between the worlds at the cliffside to find her son.
Some people say she killed her son too, and so the devil damned her to drown where the sea meets the land.
Of course those legends were born of ignorance. In our enlightened year 2022, true crime podcasts have dedicated episodes to the poor woman who must have been escaping some awful life while pregnant, and perhaps did throw herself from the world in the grief of losing her son. The mystery that remains unsolved is what fucking maniac stole her fucking corpse from the morgue and why?!
Sometimes I think about how various characters would have handled each other's backstories. Mainly Carlisle, Alice and Jasper's.
There's that whole bit in Twilight where Edward is talking about Alice waking up alone with no memory and how she would probably have turned into a feral monster if she hadn't had the visions of Jasper and Carlisle to guide her to a different life.
How would any of the other Cullens reacted in that situation, without the visions?
Similarly, Carlisle was abandoned by his creator and so had no guidance, either. He wasn't driven by visions but his own sense of morality and the existential horror and crisis of faith of being turned into the thing he and his father had hunted.
How would the others have turned out if they had been abandoned, with no guidance and no visions? Do they starve themselves in the forest or just give in to their instincts?
Jasper awoke to a violent war for territory and was led to believe that it encompassed the entire vampire world, that there was no other way of life possible, it was fight or die, kill or be killed.
Is there anyone else in the Cullen family that could have survived and risen to the rank of second in command in that environment or would none of them make it past the first year?
I feel like Alice would survive but mostly because she would foresee a way out and escape. She's not hanging around a newborn army for long if she sees a different future for herself.
Edward might survive because of his gift but would he WANT to? On the one hand Maria (or whoever) might be able to appeal to his dreams of WWI glory and manipulate him into participation, but he can read minds. Would he glomp on to Maria or a similar figure and want to make them proud? Or was that specific to his dynamic with Carlisle and nontransferable?
Rosalie again, I think she could survive IF she wanted to. She hates being a vampire but she is determined and tough and ruthless when she has to be, so she could do it. She either kills Nettie and Lucy herself and allies with Maria within like six months or she just lets herself be destroyed because being a vampire sucks.
Emmett's got super strength that Maria (or whoever) would appreciate so he could last long-term. He's got value and would roll with the punches rather than overthink the situation. But he can be reckless so it's also possible he does something impulsive and winds up dead.
I feel Carlisle would try to conscientious object his way out and be like, "have you tried diplomacy?" and Maria (or whoever) rolls her eyes and is like 'this one is useless; kill him' and he puts up no resistance. He tried to kill himself as a newborn in canon; this time someone else could do it for him.
Esme dies pretty quickly too unless Maria (or whoever) is in desperate need of a mother figure and then she ends up being the Army Mom somehow. "Why do you keep that one?" "shut up she brushes my hair and tells me I'm doing such a good job conquering central America. I need this."
Yeah Bella for SURE is the next most likely to get mauled by a bear after Emmett.
Moves to Forks, mopes around a bit then decides to go for a walk in the woods and find a nice spot to read and try to stop thinking about the weird guy in biology (what is his deal!?!?) and then, whoops, Arizona city girl accidentally comes between a mama bear and her cubs, game over.
Except . . . weird guy from biology catches the scent of her delicious-freesia blood. He kills the bear and with a heroic force of will carries Bella back to Carlisle (too delicious to attempt to change her himself) and congrats, Esme, you have a new baby girl.
Now Bella's experience is like everyone else's: no warning, she barely knows these people, and while her physical attraction to Edward is there, they haven't like, talked much yet. But he is the angel who saved her.
Is she as good at being a vampire in this scenario? I mean, probably? Because Beau is pretty much the same and he didn't have time to "prepare" and "brace himself" like Bella supposedly did in Eclipse/Breaking Dawn so she still probably is remarkably controlled. Does she try to visit Charlie? How quickly do she and Edward get together? How much is he hating himself for being selfish enough to doom her to this life rather than letting her soul ascend to Heaven where she surely belongs?
Is Rosalie as resentful or does she just feel bad for her? I'd imagine she'd still not be thrilled about the disruption to her life, but in this case Bella wasn't making the informed choice to 'throw her life away,' she was dying and 'rescued.'
i love that the fill-in-the-blank part of Edward & Bella's honeymoon is implied to be this magical, transcendent experience despite it being a logistical nightmare
they've been traveling a minimum 24 hours with multiple stops & timezone changes. what's the next move? sleep? food? absolutely not. "let's take a midnight swim." how many braincells went into that decision? ya girl been crunched like a sardine in a plane & a boat for a billion years, & you can't give her the courtesy of a pre-sex stretch??? no pre-sex dinner??? you expect her to fuck on airline pretzels & a thimble of water??? asinine. but buckle up bc shit gets crazier
she's like "ok time to freshen up," & SHAVES HER LEGS (possibly her PUSSY??? god forbid. but it is 2006...) FOR THE 2ND TIME IN TWO DAYS. huh???? you are creating tiny cuts & opening your pores RIGHT BEFORE TAKING A DIP IN THE OCEAN. GIRL. OW. & let's hope you aren't one of the 50-80% of teens out there with keratosis pilaris bc you are about to WRECK THAT SKIN
Edward stans dni with the watsonian explanation bc I KNOW, he's taking A Dip so he can warm up & he a SCAIRT VIRGIN. READ. SIGNED. NOTARIZED. but what's next? where you gonna have sex Edward? the ocean? water washes away natural lube & creates SO much friction girl you are on the pain train to Yikesville population YOU and a STAPH INFECTION
so where to fuck? girlies may think, "sex on the beach. SO romantic." NO!!!!!!!!!!!! sand in the vag??? sand in ur BUTT??? horrible. not to mention y'all smell like fish & salt. fishy salty stank w/ your sandy ass balls slapping that freshly shaven salty-ass dried-ass puss?? bad. i rest my case yur honor
& you can't go right from ocean to bed since you make the sheets wet & fishy. which means after Dip they shower. BUT LOOK OUT: your klutzy wife could be one of 21.8 million people who sustains a nonfatal shower sex injury in a calendar year. & you STILL got water washing away Bella's arousal. you can't even finger her. so what? more foreplay? "ooh girl lemme run this sponge over you" BIG DEAL. you already did this sans sponge in the fucking ocean. she just gonna feel your abs again? NO. she gonna give you a handjob? BAD FRICTION, SEE ABOVE. & LOOK OUT, PART 2: by this point Bella is getting pruny & ALSO her skin is gonna dry out not only bc she shaved & took A Salty Dip but now she's got hot water all over her fuckin beef jerky-ass legs. where's the shea butter???? did you pack that Edward???? are you planning on moisturizing her??? bc if not she is in HELL.
time check: it's been like an hour since you got there after a day-long flight with NO nap & NO eat & you're just NOW getting to bed. it's like 1am??? & you haven't even fucked around enough to find out??? foul. since you can't even kiss w/ tongue, oral is probs off the table. ditto for Bella since Edward can literally punch a hole thru the back of her throat with his cock. so foreplay is fingering, mutual masturbation, & Smoldering Gazes ONLY. good news: Doctor Cullen Jr. knows she's gotta come before she's ready to Fuck, so that's a solid win. but lord knows ya gotta PIV or it ain't real (sighs in gay)
lbr: feminist icon Bella Swan tops. like YES i know Edward "Catholic Victorian Boy" "2008 male lead" "Great-Value James Bond" Cullen should be Thee Top doing Daddy Dom Missionary, but also, ima need Edward girlies to get a fucking grip & realize he is not capable of meeting the moment. sorry. no way Edward trusts himself enough to be the Missionary Man of your dreams. by contrast, Bella "Certified Monster Fucker" "We've Been Dating for 3 Hours When Can We Fuck" "There's a War Going On but We Should Fuck in This Tent" Swan is absolutely impaling herself on that vamp cock. & she is riding it out til the end my friends. service bottom Edward is gripping the sheets for dear life hoping his dick doesn't tear a hole through her & prolapse her fuckin critical organs. & THAT is what we call a honeymoon
ding ding ROUND TWO here's some post-fill-in-the-blank forensic analysis for all the stupid sluts out there, god bless
Edward fixates on 0) bruises which tbh doesn't tell us much other than we DID catch him slippin but lbr we all knew Bella's shit grips so
what else
1) pillows torn
2) headboard destroyed*
3) feathers dried in (AND I QUOTE "DRIED IN"!!!!!!) Bella's hair*
4) ya girl reached subspace (HOW ????)
5) BONUS: god FORBID we bring the movie into this bc every fuckin surface of this bedroom is smashed to hell
which i choose to believe means
1) they fucked multiple times
2) missionary PROBABLY occurred (bc only other position for headboard gripping would be hitting it from the back, see 3a)
3) he came in her hair* NO it was not sweat NO it was not ocean water idgaf what's "likely" IT WAS CUM!!! IT WAS CUM YOU GUYS!!!! DAMN
*3a) which could imply he hit it from behind & ended in a backshot which in that case holy fucking shit Edward what the fuck
4) & she came a LOT. OR. preternatural cock/cum has some sort of subspace effect. choose to believe both tbh
5) BONUS not only did they fuck but they fucked on every available surface. good for her dot gif
tldr they capital-f Fucked Severely & it was a logistical nightmare but also they both came at least once so consider it a rip roarin good time for all. amen
y'all can send me anon hate all you want but fact is your perception of Edward "Missionary ONLY" Cullen crying during sex bc he's too pure to touch a vagina is incorrect. pointing out the bonkers logistics of their wedding night in a silly shitpost is not proof he's bad in bed. he canonically Fucks. seethe & cope
While it disturbs me he had sex at all or had anyone who let him touch them (it's not too late to accept the siringue!!) Edward drenched that girl so much that night. (Did you see how much he milked himself to turn her after the birth! How much was needed to make that baby?? I'm guessing a lot)
But I do think she could be on top and he could hold the headboard that way... Maybe not the most easy position, but safer for her I feel. We don't even know how heavy he is if their skin is like marble (maybe he weights a whole lot!), maybe he was just crushing her, and what she believed was mind blowing sex was just simply getting lack of oxygen and she passed out.
(I will consistently refuse to believe Edward had any skill, and prefer to believe it all sucked but these two wouldn't know it because they're both so inexperienced and obsessed with each other they're living in a fantasy. It's too late for Bella, so she simply tells herself it was good, she passed out so that's a good thing right?)
(but also, are you saying that Edward wouldn't blow as soon as anything touches him? There's where point 3 comes from.
And hopefully last, the pillow biting will never not be funny to me.)
Okay not entirely last, I would love to see Edward cry about it, sorry I like to make fun of him, don't take this away from me.
I'm done, I thought too much about this and I feel like I could use a shower and therapy.
"Research?" I asked weakly.
"That's why you haven't seen Jasper and Emmett around. That's what Carlisle is doing now. Trying to decipher ancient stories and myths, as much as we can with what we have to work with here, looking for anything that might help us predict the creature's behavior."
Having Emmett do research on vampire pregnancy is a choice. I just keep picturing that clip from Parks and Rec, Emmett being like "I typed Bella's symptoms into the computer and it says she might have network connectivity problems?"
Emmett's got a lot of talents and I think he's probably super emotionally intelligent because it's remarkable that someone with Rosalie's past is so 100% comfortable and secure with him. But I just don't think research is in his wheelhouse. He canonically has never finished a degree. Like, surely ESME would be a better option but she's too busy flitting around the house or renovating the cottage I guess??
Can't help but think Emmett and Jasper doing "research" was mostly them getting a break from actively witnessing the weirdness of Breaking Dawn.
"What do they expect us to find on the internet or in books that Carlisle doesn't already know? This shit is weird, bro."
My headcanon was always that Emmett had already done all that research years ago, for Rosalie.
You have a guy who loves his wife beyond all reason and there is ONE thing in the world she wants more than anything else...you're trying to tell me he's just going to shrug that off with a "too bad, so sad," without even TRYING to see if there's anything out there for her?
He's not bookish, and normally his research efforts would be pretty slapdash. But for this, when so much of the 'research' is just going to be looking for weird tales and folk stories and myths and legends, and trying to pick out commonalities and sparks of realism and connections with other similar tales, he'd probably be pretty good. A more scholarly person might dismiss schlock horror movies and pulp vampire fiction, but Emmett's going to trawl through all of it with an open mind as to what might be real. In my headcanon he's been doing this research for seventy years for his Rosalie, always hopeful that someday, somehow, there's going to be some way to make her dreams come true.
And now Bella showing up pregnant, and everyone throwing up their hands in bewilderment? This is Emmett's turn to SHINE, lmao, as he sits them all down for Power Point presentations and tri-fold posters he's whipped up with all his decades of 'research'.
Twilight Stuff @beau-m-swan - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
