Fire.

Beau Morgan ||Hipster Dad Thirty-One year old Journalist and father to Atlas Morgan, Booker Morgan and January Morgan.

[beaumorgan]

sheridcn‌:

It felt wrong, hearing Beau blame himself like there was any prerequisite to cheating that could excuse it. Just because Sheridan had hated talking about it, didn’t mean he didn’t know he’d done wrong. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said, interrupting Beau and squeezing his hands tight, “it wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have — it would’ve been better to break up than to betray you like that. There is no excuse, and… and I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life.”

That was the truth. Sure, maybe they were fixing it now, maybe their second chance would work out. But Sheridan knew he could never take back what he did, nor did he expect Beau to ever fully trust him again. But maybe those were the scars he would have to live with in exchange for the chance to be happy in love with Beau again. ”I didn’t want to own up to it all this time because I was ashamed. It was easier to just… joke and fuck and act like everything was fine than to admit I hurt you and ended what we had. And I’m sorry.” It was terrifying to admit out loud, but if he’d learnt anything in the time spent with Beau since they broke up, it was that confronting their issues was the only way to move past them.

“I do,” Sheridan whispered, unintentionally quiet. “I really want to try. I just… I love you, I—“

The last thing he’d ever expected was Beau’s palms cradling his face and his mouth locking with his. The softest gasp escaped his lips right before the kiss, but his surprise was short-lived, because almost immediately his arms wound around Beau’s neck and he returned the kiss with every bit of longing and desperation that he’d gathered since they’d stopped talking. He’d missed this so much. The overwhelming scent of Beau’s cologne and shampoo and simply his skin; the feeling of Beau’s strong arms enveloping him, his mouth kissing him over and over and over. Sheridan pressed himself closer, a soft whimper escaping into the kiss as his fingers dug into Beau’s black curls and closed around a fistful of hair, as if to hold him in place — as if to make sure he never left.

He was right, it would have been easier to lose him to a break up then to find out about him cheating. He’d have been heartbroken of course, Sheridan had been everything even if he was shit at showing him that. Cheating was worse though. Even then he couldn’t let him take all of the blame, he could have but Beau knew how much of a pain he could be. He’d known the other man needed affection and he’d ignored that. It didn’t matter what he told him he’d continue to take part of the blame himself. “I’m not the easiest person to talk to all the time. I can’t imagine how that would have gone.” 

That he couldn’t agree with, “You didn’t end it on your own.” His actions may have been what finally ended it, but Beau played a major part in that. If he hadn’t have cheated they eventually would have broken up anyway. And that was on Beau. For a while the fucking around and joking was great, the moments they could pretend they were happy were even better. But the longer it happened the more he wanted. “I should have known that was never going to be enough. I was angry, but I never... got over you.” he could admit that now. “It fucked me up but I couldn’t. I wanted to just be able to fuck you and not want anything else.” Something he failed spectacularly at. Every time they were together he was always left with an empty feeling. 

Love. Sheridan loved him, still. He wasn’t expecting that, Beau had said he did before, told him how much he wanted him. When he walked away he felt like he wanted nothing to do with him, now he’d been expecting something but not love. 

He’d been glad he was already holding him, already able to show him, make Sheridan feel what he felt. Passion was something they’d always been good at, that had never stopped, no matter what they did passion was always there. This spark that he’d never felt with anyone else, not even his ex wife. Sheridan was the best kind of different anyone could imagine. Beau had missed this, the feeling of his body, the way his lips moved, he always put everything he had into kissing him. Smiling against his lips when his hands went to his hair he kept his hands on his face, just holding him, maybe they were both doing the same thing. Making sure this was real, that the other was there. That they were actually allowing themselves to have this. 

“I love you. I don’t think I ever really stopping loving you.”

[beaumorgan]

sheridcn:

”I… I don’t know! Because I’m a fuckin’ moron? I don’t — know.” That was something Sheridan sincerely had no idea how to answer. Why did he wait? Why did it take him so long? Why was it suddenly so clear now? “I just know I want this. I want to try again. Properly.” Maybe he’d matured since. Or maybe it really did take losing someone to know what you had.

He could see Beau’s eyes, his impossibly deep dark irises flickering, as if searching Sheridan’s face for any sign of dishonesty, or some sort of guarantee of sincerity. Beau’d always had those romantically-melancholic eyes; but he’d never seen them so sad before. He understood the trepidation — after everything he’d done, he would’ve understood a lot less if Beau had decided not to give him the time of day. But he had. That meant there was a chance, that not all was lost yet. “We don’t—“ Sheridan scrunched up his nose unpleasantly. “Alright; fine. We fight a moderate-to-high amount… but it‘s never been anything we couldn’t get over, innit? And we’ve plenty good times had in between.” Or at least, he thought they‘d been good.

”I really want that,” he rasped, voice weak with emotion. “I just… I know can’t do without.” As loosely as Sheridan used the word, love was one that terrified him, one that he seldom used in its raw, honest form. But when he looked at Beau, that was the only thing he could describe as feeling. Nobody else made his entire body yearn like he did, nobody occupied his mind so entirely like he did, nobody made his heart beat nor ache the way Beau did whenever he was around or whenever he left. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, clutching tighter to Beau’s hands. “I’m sorry for how I treated you — how I acted, for not talking to you about it all— give me another chance. Please. I want to do it right this time.”

Even now, as Beau stepped closer, as their hands remained tangled, Sheridan felt short on breath; his chest tight and aching and his heart lodged somewhere much higher than where it ought to be. “I know.” They were too tangled up in each other’s lives now, he knew it. “I love them too, so dearly; and I know you love Ainsley as much as she loves you.” Sheridan looked up at Beau, never having felt more vulnerable in his entire life. “So that just leaves you and me.”

In all honesty none of this should be a surprise to Beau, Sheridan always did things like this. One second he felt one way and the next he’d changed his mind. So far it hadn’t been anything this substantial. The last time was vowing he’d never have sex with him again and showing up at his house two hours later taking it all back. That he expected. A proper date he was still trying to wrap his head around. 

“Too much. We fight too much.” But he was right about getting over everything. They were good at that until they’d gotten into their last fight. There wasn’t really any going back from cheating and Beau’s plain ignoring Sheridan. He’d learned to blame himself for that until he’d denied that it was cheating or that it had mattered, the lack of attention gave him the right. It hadn’t. But they both messed up. “I loved you. It was good, I wasn’t a good boyfriend but I did.” There wasn’t any denial on his part that he’d been terrible at being a boyfriend. There were too many walls up around him that he couldn’t let down for more than 10 minutes. But he still loved him, Sheridan had been the world to him aside from his kids. “I was shit at showing it but... I did.” Do.

They should have been able to work things out better, but after Abby left he hadn’t been the same. Fights just made him shut down, instead of trying to talk it out he simply went away from it. Ignored him until it seemed to blow over. “I didn’t let you talk.” Sheridan was to blame for the cheating, he’d done that himself. But not talking was all on him. The harder he tried to talk the harder Beau pushed that away. “You couldn’t... I thought it would all just go away if I just ignored it.” it did, but it took Sheridan with it. His hands tightened on his, he missed that feeling, even just this. It was almost pathetic that he missed this more than sex with him. 

Sheridan loved his kids. Beau loved Ainsley. And Beau. Beau loved Sheridan. No matter how he’d try to get over that, ignored that he loved him, ignored the heartbreak he felt when he’d been shut down. Closing his eyes he took his hands from the other mans. “You want to try. To really try?” Pulling his eyebrows together he tried to think of something to say, he was a writer for fucks sake. But there weren’t words for what he was feeling. Reaching up he grabbed his face, hesitating for only a moment before pressing their lips together. They were better at this than words anyway. They could try to think of a million words to say and with them it came down to actions. He wanted Sheridan to feel what he felt. He needed him to. Needed him to feel that he was putting it all out there again. One more try at this. One more with them being better. 

[beaumorgan]

sheridcn:

It was beyond clear that Beau was confused, baffled, concerned, even; he was looking at Sheridan like he’d grown an extra head. And maybe he had, because the usual him wouldn’t be saying things like these. Hell, he wouldn’t be in a conversation this serious to begin with. He couldn’t blame Beau for not keeping up with it — he couldn’t remember the last time he’d even said sorry, let alone admit he was wrong and lonely. “Yeah,” Sheridan said, nodding once. He had been hurt, sure; but he’d done most of the hurting. The rest was collateral. “But it was kinda my fault.” Beau letting out a short laugh as if to agree with him calling himself a mess was a good sign. He thought so, at least.

“I — look, I said a lot of things. As I do. But—“ He sighed in exasperation, running a hand through his hair roughly and destroying it. “I don’t mean half of what I say. You know that, right? And all I know is I’m happy when I’m with you and I’m miserable without you. So we fight a little. So what? Doesn’t everyone? I mean, fuck.” Sheridan barely realised he’d been pacing, the stress making him agitated. “We’re good, even with the fighting. We’re just — we work.” He glanced up. “Don’t we?” Or maybe he was kidding himself. Maybe Beau had already decided he’d put up with Sheridan’s shit long enough. Maybe it was too late.

“I’m just… I wanted to say — I didn’t even want to say it today but — I want to give it a go. For real this time, proper like.” He approached Beau, swallowed hard, then took his hands in his, not quite able to lift his eyes to look at him. “No cheating, no lying, no bullshit. Straight up, legitimate, with all the cheesy romantic stuff. I want — I want to go on a date with you.”

This was actually happening. This conversation was actually happening right now and Beau wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be shocked or angry. He’d tried this, tried to put this out there, to make him listen and apologize but it didn’t work he didn’t want to hear it then. But now he wanted to say this himself. “Why... why now? Why didn’t you... listen when I tried? When I tried to fix this..” he didn’t want things on just Sheridan’s time, he’d wanted it on theirs. 

He wanted to take a step back from the entire situation, but he couldn’t that was what he was mad at Sheridan for. For leaving when he was trying, trying so hard to figure out how to be happy. And right now he was miserable too, as much as he wanted to deny it he hadn’t done anything but think about Sheridan. “We fight a lot.” But that wasn’t the case, sometimes when they’d pretend none of the past happened they were good. Laying in the bed they’d pretend was theirs for a few hours everything worked. Beau wanted nothing more than to stay in those moments. The ones where he would laugh and let himself free, the ones where he’d lay in bed with him for hours pretending their touches after were just about sex. None of it was with him. It was never that easy. 

Staring at their hands the first thought was to pull away, obvious reaction he supposed but the way his heart pulled in his chest he couldn’t. That had been one of their problems, him. God and everyone knew that Sheridan craved affection and attention. Beau knew it and yet he’d been afraid to give that, even if he wanted to he got busy or he just shut him out. It wasn’t on the other, that was something he knew, but he’d accepted that it was his own fault too. “You want that? That’s what you really want?” Finally he looked at him, taking a step closer, forcing himself to let those walls down at least a little. “I’m not... I can’t do this if you’re not... sure. I tried this, tried to make this happen before and you ran away from it. From me.” Maybe that was what hurt the most about it. He could handle rejection, the fact that he’d just left after he’d let everything out. “I can’t do this to myself.” Dark eyes went to the house behind them. “To my kids. To yours. God they love you, and if this is some passing idea Sheri...”

[beaumorgan]

sheridcn:

The bedroom was the safest bet, complete with a lock for privacy, but Sheridan didn’t trust himself alone with Beau in that room. And so he gently tugged to encourage Beau to follow him to the backyard instead, letting go once they were there. He hadn’t missed the look on Atlas’ face, and he hated the idea that all his drama with his dad might’ve only further pushed the poor kid to mature faster than he already had been. God, just how much damage had he caused?

”I—I don’t really know what the fuck I even want to say,” he admitted to the ground, less than eloquently. “Fuck.” Great start, idiot. “I’m… sorry, I guess?” Sheridan didn’t do confrontation. He didn’t do ‘talking things through’ or ‘reconciliation’, and he definitely didn’t do apologies. Until now, at least. “I didn’t want to hurt you. Obviously. Shit. I just— you know me, I’m a mess. I…”

He cursed a few more times under his breath before finally looking up at Beau directly, a little lost and blushy and frustrated, and blurted, “I haven’t had sex with anyone in weeks. And not for lack of suitors. The last guy I shagged, I couldn’t even get it up. Fucking humiliating.” That sounded very far off topic. “At first it was that. Then I couldn’t stop thinking of you, and the thought of anyone else made me feel sick. Sick! It’s fucked.” His mind sort of played catch-up, and Sheridan remembered to blush when he realised how unnecessarily detailed he’s being. “I—I’m just trying to say… I don’t think I know how to be without you. I…I miss you.”

Beau hadn’t missed the glance towards his room before starting the walk outside. They didn’t have the best history with bedrooms. If they went there alone to talk privately they ended up in bed together every time. That was probably one of the many downfalls of their relationship, when things got difficult they pushed that aside and focused on sex. That was always easier than talking for both of them. Beau wasn’t the most talkative man and Sheridan would rather keep anything from getting too serious.

There wasn’t anything left for Beau to say, he’d said everything he could think of the other day. He didn’t know if there was even anything left to say, the things he’d wanted to say died on his tongue when Sheridan had shut down everything he’d tried to say. His eyes widened for a second, an apology wasn’t what he’d been expecting. Maybe he wanted to try to get him in bed with him, that was usual. This wasn’t. “You... uh yeah. I think we both got hurt.” He’d like to think he wasn’t the only one who had been. A mess, he let out a short laugh, it was the truth. But he’d known that when he started dating him. 

The look on his face wasn’t one he’d seen before, an open honesty, panic even. Nothing happening now was normal for them, for Sheridan. The last thing he wanted to hear about was Sheridan’s sex life, Beau’s non existent at the moment, focusing on anything but sex was how he dealt with it. “It happens.” He muttered, “People just... it just happens.” It didn’t have to mean anything, that he was thinking of him like he said. There were things he didn’t want to hear, didn’t know how to hear. “Why... we weren’t good. You said it yourself it wasn’t... like that for us.” Beau wasn’t used to this either, but he’d let those walls fall and had it thrown back at him. 

[beaumorgan]

sheridcn:

Coming here was a mistake, Sheridan realised. Not that anyone else could have brought Ainsley, but nobody forced him to get out of the car. Nobody forced him to walk through that front door. Now he had January, tiny, precious little January telling him every minuscule detail about something incoherent while Booker asked him several questions at the same time and Sheridan felt his heart ache to the point of pain. He adored these kids. He adored them as much as he adored their father. And that was terrifying.

He watched Beau with Ainsley, not missing the way she looked at him like some sort of father-hero figure, before she nodded eagerly and skipped over to announce the upcoming meal to the others as if it were her duty. Taking his leave from the distracted kids, Sheridan picked himself up, his head not quite sure where his feet were taking him, nor what his heart wanted to do.

Sheridan placed his hand on Beau’s shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze, and said something he couldn’t remember ever saying before. “Maybe—we should talk, I think. Privately.”

Atlas was in the corner of the room with his eyes on Beau, he choose to ignore his son, he was angry that Sheridan was even here, had tried to tell Booker and January that they were stupid for asking for Ainsley to come over. Atlas was too old to pretend like he didn’t know something was up with he and Sheridan as much as Beau hated that he did know. The only saving grace here was that he did know his son would never take it out on Ainsley, he’d try to ignore her and then be pulled into playing with them all.

Beau knew the other two were busy talking to Sheridan, he couldn’t watch them do it, could barley listen to them talk to him as excited as they were. It hurt that they did miss him, that he’d let someone get so close to them and couldn’t talk to him, himself. There had been a time he was in love with him, then he didn’t mind that then, but after they’d broken up he still let them near him. That was where he’d messed up. Now he had to figure out how to make them pull away from Sheridan. Even more importantly himself.

Standing there with Sheridan’s hand on his shoulder he made sure that the children had gone off to play finally. He was tense, not expecting the contact but he wasn’t going to be the one to pull away from it. Finally looking at the other man again he gave a short nod. “Yeah. Settle... all of this.” But he’d tried that before and Sheridan stormed out. “If we can.”

[beaumorgan]

sheridcn:

God, he just wanted to throw himself at the man, just kiss him and forget like anything had ever happened. But it had, hadn’t it? They’d never fought like that before, and Sheridan knew it wasn’t something they’d be able to shake off like their other spats. And he knew it was all his fault. Sheridan pressed his tongue into the inside of his cheek, willing himself to shut up against the urge to get defensive. Even if he wanted to say no, I’m not well, I have no appetite, I haven’t even had sex in weeks because I can’t enjoy it anymore, I think about you every waking moment, I miss you like hell. “Yeah. Always.” It was probably better that Beau thought he was just fine without him.

A second later Ainsley came bounding into the room, clearly having heard Beau’s voice. She crashed into his legs and hugged his knees tightly, excitedly exclaiming “Beau!” and promptly breaking Sheridan’s heart at the sight. That was his fault too; letting Ainsley get too used to spending so much time with Beau and his kids. How was he going to stay away when he’d woven their lives so tightly together?

That was how it always seemed to be, Beau hanging on for his children, not really having passion for anything and Sheridan living life like there was nothing wrong. Sometimes he was able to see that, that was a lie. A mask that the other man put on for other people to hide what he was really feeling. Today Beau wasn’t going to even look hard enough to see. He wasn’t going to do that again, put himself out there to be shot down again. “Good to hear it.” A lie, he wished that for once he could see the other man break down about this, about what happened to them. 

Before he could excuse himself again he could hear running through the house before Ainsley was yelling his name and holding his legs. For a moment he considered try to distance himself but it wasn’t right. He couldn’t do that to her. Picking her up he gave her a genuine smile, “Hey there, I thought you were supposed to be with January and Booker!” seconds later the two in question came running in the room after her, January stumbling as she came. Glancing at Sheridan he walked towards the play room, “Come on now, you guys should be in here.” behind him he could hear January babbling to either Booker or Sheridan, probably Sheridan, she liked to talk to him before she even knew how to talk. Putting Ainsley down he stayed on his knee to talk to her, “How about I make you some snacks yeah? Whatever you like!” He hated this, hated that she was looking at him with big eyes that were far to similar to her fathers. Hated that he knew his own children were so close to Sheridan as well.

[beaumorgan]

sheridcn:

Once everything was in the fridge, Sheridan closed it and turned around again to look at Beau, finding him still watching him in turn. He looked good — always did, but there was something about seeing him after such a long time apart that made him seem devastatingly beautiful. This was usually the part where Sheridan would say something suggestive, Beau would say something snarky, and then they’d crash into each other with desperate kisses and eager bodies. And yet, Sheridan felt like he might catch on fire if he took even one step closer. He crossed his arms over his aching heart and ignored it. “you, uh… you been good?”

Sheridan looked good, but he always looked good. The only thing different now was that he wouldn’t let himself get closer, usually they’d be all over each other by now but the thought of that just put their last conversation in his mind. “Good’s a relative term.” Beau hadn’t been anything, he’d been going through the motions without any real ambition for anything. It wasn’t until the other man was out of his life that he realized how much they still actually saw each other. “You’re always well, no need to ask about that with you.” he wasn’t bitter for the first time in... ever. Sheridan had made his choice and he was living with it. Now Beau would get used to it.

[beaumorgan]

sheridcn:

atlas had opened the door (with booker hot on his trail) to let him and ainsley in, albeit with an expression sheridan couldn’t quite interpret. “thanks kids. i know where everything is.” he let ainsley go when her excitement to go and play with booker became too much and headed into the kitchen, putting his duffel on the counter and pulling out all the day’s necessities — lunchbox, favourite toys, colouring book, pyjamas just in case the kids pulled their usual last minute can we pleeease have a sleepover?, and sheridan and beau wouldn’t be able to say no. speaking of beau, who’d until that moment been nowhere to be seen; he finally made his appearance and sheridan felt his heart kick into a gallop when their eyes met for the first time in weeks. “just— putting her lunch into the fridge,” he mumbled, dropping eye contact.

Beau didn’t want to deal with Sheridan, didn’t want to see him at all, but his kids loved Ainsley. She’d wanted to come over and he didn’t have the heart to tell her no, and in turn Sheridan had to come to his house. Atlas was more than happy to get the door, especially with his younger brother following him. Finally accepting that he wasn’t writing anything when he knew Sheridan was in his house he finally got up to go and find him. Anxious about it for some reason. Staring at his back for a moment he was quiet until they looked at each other. “Yeah. I’ll be sure to make something she likes for dinner.” He wanted that to be the end of it but he kept staring. 

[pessimisitic]

all i want // kodaline

[kitsn0w]

Skinny jeans and comfortable shirts, that’s my thing. Although I do love getting dressed up for an event, putting on a nice suit.

[beaumorgan]

hugoxvega:

“It’s my favorite place in town,” Hugo said offering his date a smile. It was more of a sad smile since he heard about his mother just a few days ago but he kept trying. That was the thing about Hugo, even when he felt like nothing could go right he kept on trying to make others around him smile and feel happy. Even if he was dying on the inside. Between his mother’s diagnosis and him and Max’s ‘relationship’… Hugo knew that he needed to move on and start trying to get over Max, but the two had been married for ten years now and it still hurt to think of them separated.

That didn’t mean he wouldn’t try and Beau was a perfectly handsome and intelligent man. It couldn’t hurt to try. “Can I get you a drink?”

“Yeah?” He raised an eyebrow looking at the building, “I don’t think I have a favorite place here yet. I don’t usually get out, I’m more... stay at home here.” He didn’t have many reasons to go out anymore this was actually the first time coming to this place. It was kind of cliche he supposed but he could live with it for a little while. Hopefully they could avoid the trivia games and just drink. That would be his goal here.  

Taking a seat he nodded, “Yeah, yes please. I could use a drink after my week actually.” It was maybe sad that he was going to just depend on alcohol for this but it was the safest thing to do.

[beaumorgan]

playboytheo:

Theo had to laugh. “Mysterious, yeah, and a bit lost. You doing alright today, Beau?” Perhaps the question was forward between strangers, but Theo somehow felt comfortable around the other man. Sarcasm was a great quality to share. “The accent has to be a gift and a curse.” He agreed, showing a smirk. “See? Had you picked a fight with me it would have been a favor.”

“Lost?” He let out a laugh and looked down at the blank page in front of him. “I’d say that. I’m supposed to have this article written by next week and my brain isn’t working with me on this.” Too many things in his mind right now. “It is, makes people weak in the knees but they treat it like... I dunno a toy.” Rising an eyebrow he shrugged, “If you really want I can hit you.”

[beaumorgan]

greatguyneil:

“Hey.” Neil announced himself rather than sneak up on the man and his family. Hands held a tripod. His adopted son Rett walked along the rocky shore alone, camera in hand, avoiding the kids and looking for a good picture spot. “Is it alright if we took some photos? We’ll be sure to keep you all out of ‘em. It’s more for the horizon and flora.”

Neil, he didn’t know much about him other than that he was the owner of Jim and Kim’s. He seemed like a nice enough guy. “yeah no problem. Just... be warned that when she realizes you’re taking pictures she’s going to try ti get in them.” Beau nodded towards January, the three year old still preoccupied. 

[beaumorgan]

A date. Beau didn’t do dates, the first one had been on accident, not a bad accident in the end because he’d made a friend who enjoyed literature. He’d told him they could be friends, something he needed he supposed, but now it didn’t matter. Beau had been holding out on dating in hopes of something that was thrown in his face, it didn’t matter anymore. So meeting with Hugo wasn’t something he should keep himself from doing anymore. At the confirmation from the other man he shook his head, he didn’t know what he expected to get out of this. Hugo was nice but there wasn’t anything there that could be remotely romantic. But it was a distraction. That was what he needed to make sure he didn’t think of someone else.

He drove to meet Hugo at the spot he’d given him. Alcohol was good, he wasn’t a sad drunk either so he didn’t have to worry about that. Getting out he smiled at him, “Hey! Nice looking place, haven’t actually been here before.” Smile and play it cool, he was good at that at least. @hugoxvega

[beaumorgan]

dieselxdaddy:

daddydiesel27: I guess I can wake her…it is a weekend, isn’t it?

Beau: don’t worry about it, we’ll meet sometime tomorrow

[beaumorgan]

dieselxdaddy:

daddydiesel27: Like wake her up? At this hour? Can’t we just…meet in the daytime and discuss this? 

Beau: fine whatever. 

[beaumorgan]

Text || Hugo

Hugo: Hi! It wasn't a bust at all, I enjoyed it and even found the awkwardness even a bit endearing. I would love to have a second shot with you and perhaps somewhere where I can get a glass of wine? It is almost the weekend after all, we need to celebrate.

Beau: sounds good. I don't know where that would be here though, haven't lived here long. Just name a place where you can get that!