be brave becca

becca, 24, uk. battling through to make every day a little bit brighter than the last -currently IP-

[bebravebecca]

just a few things that I have learnt and that I think are very important for everyone else to learn too bcos science = amazing

[bebravebecca]

~hello~

it's been a hot minute since I last posted and now felt like a good a time as ever to update, so here goes:

Life has been going okay. I'm still in hospital, but nearing the end of my admission. As it currently stands, I am due to be discharged mid-August, which is about 5 weeks away.

The decrease in COVID restrictions has meant that I have been able to go on leave and be let loose outside the hospital grounds. It feels weird now that I spent the first 5 months of my time here unable to leave the unit at all, and now I'm travelling back down South on the train every other weekend to see my family, friends and supported accommodation.

I reached my maintenance point a couple of weeks ago and I feel semi-okay about it. I was allowed to go swimming this week with another patient, which was so liberating, exciting, challenging and most of all NORMAL. We had a time-limited session and took it really easy because neither of us had done any form of exercise (other than disordered walking) for years and it was *so good*. That on top of the fact that we went to Pizza Express after our swim today and we briefly felt what it was like to live again- living a life free from anorexia feels impossible a good proportion of the time, but I'm getting glimpses of what it's like without it. It's terrifying and exciting both at the same time.

Anyhoo, enough of my rambles. I've got a good week ahead: home leave which entails meeting one friend for coffee and another to go to Go Ape. As I said before, life is okay. Slowly but surely, I'm becoming again.

[bebravebecca]

I am so sick of being sick.

[sheisrecovering]

You may have to fight a battle more than once to win.

[bebravebecca]

~ hello world ~

It’s been a while since I last posted here. Perhaps because I haven’t felt able to admit what is really going on and the shame and stigma attached to all of that. But I felt like I owed the Tumblr-sphere some sort of explanation/update, even if it is just an opportunity to dump all of my thoughts and feelings into a post that nobody is particularly interested in.

Anyway, I moved into *new* supported accommodation in the autumn, and it was so, so much better than the last. There are staff there 24/7 and I get 1:1 hours every day for general support. However I was already on a downward spiral when I arrived there and, over the course of a few months, I deteriorated to the extent that they started looking for an inpatient bed for me. This process lasted a further 2.5 months, and by the time a bed became available I was pretty poorly again.

But I’m here now, and have been for the last two months. Every day- every mealtime- every mouthful- has been a struggle and there are countless times a day where I want to give in to the eating disorder. But I don’t. Perhaps this is because there is a part of me that believes that there is a life outside of this disorder. I really, really want to make this my last admission, not in the least because I turn 25 this year and have wasted over half my life to this godforsaken illness.

So yes- that's me. I will endeavour to post more frequently (heck, I’ve got enough time on my hands) as I miss the whole Tumblr-world and am reluctant to engage in the somewhat-toxic instagram ed community.

I hope that everyone here is well x

[bebravebecca]

How are you doing?

I’m okay, thanks. Okay as I can be in hospital in a pandemic in the rainy rainy north. I’m trying to get through each day one at a time at the moment and sometimes it’s hard but sometimes it’s easier. I’ll try to post an update, if anyone is interested x

[najd-social-club]

[alhwrites]

you are the most permanent thing in your life. always. that won’t change. ever. so put you first. prioritize you. choose you. you, you, you. your needs, your wants, your dreams, your feelings, your happiness, your peace. never sacrifice any of that, and do not spend your entire life treating people who might be temporary better than you treat yourself.

— alhwrites

especially if they act like a temporary person: bare minimum, low effort, confusing, unkind, shitty, toxic.

[bebravebecca]

~ hello ~

I thought that I was due a brief catch-up. It’s been a while and quite a lot has happened and life has moved incredibly quickly over these past few months.

I was discharged at the beginning of September, and moved into my new supported accommodation in October. So far it’s largely been a positive experience, bar a bad few weeks with another resident being quite unwell. I’m attending a virtual day programme and I’m going to college and going to work but I’m only just holding things together. Today was a big day- I had an interview for a ~prestigious~ university and it was quite tough. They asked questions that really stretched my intellectual capacity and even though I know that was the point, I still feel a bit wobbly from it.

So, in short, life is okay apart from being in a downwards spiral and struggling to eat and having dark thoughts. So even though it’s not really okay, I’m trying to make it okay. I will, eventually, get there.

[bebravebecca]

- shameless mirror selfies from when the sun was actually shining -

UPDATE

After nearly nine long, arduous months, I am home again- not yet permanently, but on extended leave. 

I have faced many things in this time; a potential personality disorder (that never came into fruition), getting COVID-19, being locked in my room for two weeks, an entire ward change, a car crash, giving up my tenancy plus a lot more. 

I stayed to reach a healthy BMI- which I did do in Manchester, but it was a lot harder this time around. I can’t describe how difficult it is to sit in a body that is softer round the edges; that isn’t concave and angular and brittle. But the energy, the cognition and the strength that comes with it make it somewhat worth it. I am a proper member of society now; people don’t stare or judge or make assumptions just because of the way I look. And (although I have already had it) I am stronger to fight against Coronavirus.

There is a lot of change happening at the moment. I am potentially being discharged tomorrow; I am waiting on a bed for a specialist supported accommodation placement; I am about to attend a brand new day service in my area; I am applying to university (again).

So much is uncertain and `I am struggling to comprehend it all- but life is beginning to move on again and that is the only certainty of it; it goes on.

[bebravebecca]

Can you do an update? How are you doing since your set back with the lockdown?

I’m summoning the courage to do an update really soon. Lockdown feels like a million years ago now, but things are still so restricted. 

[bebravebecca]

In case no one has told you today, I’m proud of you. Don’t stop fighting.

love this so so much 

[bebravebecca]

here’s a little mental health sticking plaster. You might not be able to see it but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Stick yourself back together and every lil thing will be okay 💕

[robertwire]

400% of mental illness is thinking this is probably just how hard life is for everyone and you just can’t handle it because you’re a whiny baby who isn’t trying hard enough.

[bebravebecca]

Sunday 26th April 2020

~ My plant collection and my fairy lights before they got confiscated ~

Things are bobbing along here. We have just emerged from a two-week total lockdown, during which we weren’t allowed to leave our rooms. Being trapped in a room with only the eating disorder to interact with resulted in some unproductive decisions and has set me back a little.

My mood has contributed to feelings of hopelessness- the trough that I slipped into last autumn still hasn’t lifted and, whilst I swing between emotions to an exhausting extent, I still feel very low most of the time. I don’t really know what to do to try and make things ‘better’- superficially I am functioning, am now eating again and can hold a conversation together. But there is still this little voice inside my head that makes me feel empty. There is a void inside of me and I want it to just stop, stop, stop but it won’t.

Sorry for being so negative. I am fine and safe and am grateful for that- but still the shadow of internal counterproductive dialogue follows me wherever I go. I cannot yet shake it off- but I will try and try and try again.

[bebravebecca]

even though this was only a few weeks back, it feels like a lifetime ago.

Since the whole Coronavirus situation, our ward has been in lockdown- meaning no visitors and no leave. I’m struggling to stay connected to the outside world alongside grappling with my internal dialogue. I’m on a pretty hefty whack of medication but still this trough of low mood isn’t lifting. I swing between deep apathy and heightened anxiety on an almost hourly basis and it is so, so exhausting. I just want it all to stop and be quiet and relent because I’m so *tired*.

Sorry for moaning. I know it’s unbelievably selfish to be so apathetic given the current circumstances- I know that we will pull through. It’s just that piece of string feels indeterminatly long.

[wellnesswithevie]

“i have to choose recovery every single day for the rest of my life and sometimes it’s a tough decision to make and it is okay to struggle.”

— recovery is a decision you have to make every single day. (via sunsetico)