1 | The Severely Narcissistic Mother
Drama, Deflection, Denial
Deeply insecure and filled with self-doubt which drives their hunger for approval and admiration
As children age more stress occurs for mother while less adulation is received
Mother progressively sees children, especially daughters, as their rival
May be intermittently affectionate
Takes credit for others’ accomplishments but blames others for her failures
Has an Insatiable appetite for attention
Overly dependent on other people’s opinions
Compelled to prove herself
Behaves emotionally & dramatically, even to the point of being bizarre
Disagreement with this mother triggers inner turmoil for her
Makes others feel guilty for pointing out her behavior
Overlooks her own shortcomings and emphasizes children (often daughters) deficits
Refuses to acknowledge her wrongdoing
Challenges the child’s memory, their ability to think rationally and their worth
May assign a child that can do no wrong and a child that is the family scapegoat
Lack self-awareness and ability to be reflective
At their core is a deeply engrained personality disorder
There was likely rivalry in this mother’s upbringing
Daughters of The Severely Narcissistic Mothers
Often lack self-confidence & enthusiasm
Fantasize about being powerful and admired
Often go to great lengths for intermittent affection
Live in their mother’s shadow during childhood
May have been “the child that can do no wrong” or the “family scapegoat”
Want to believe their mother has their wellbeing at heart & may resist accepting otherwise
2 | The Overly Enmeshed Mother
Bonding Turned To Bondage
Their “closeness” is often suffocating, invasive and one way
The enmeshment dynamic soothes their own fear of abandonment
Can’t let go, pushes herself onto the children
Makes herself the center of the child’s world
Does not encourage her children to have their own free will
Hovers, rescues, advocates for child
This mother does not allow the child to have differing needs, desires, or feelings
Creates a dependent child
Hard to see where the child’s life ends and the mother’s life begins
Mother places the burden of their happiness on the child
Offers resources & support that illicit a sense of obligation and dependence
The child’s “best friend”
Daughters of The Overly Enmeshed Mothers
Unable to develop their strengths
Not provided the space and opportunity to persevere
May lack the skills to problem solve
Difficulty enforcing boundaries with mother
Love equates to giving up their own desires
Feelings of guilt when expressing their own feelings
May be an adult, but often still a child emotionally
Feel they can’t survive without their mother
Attuned to mother’s emotional state
Putting themselves first feels like a crime
Lack confidence in their abilities
Both moth and daughter are clinging frightened children
3 | The Control Freak Mother
Director of the environment, people, and project
Domineering, not subtle, authoritarian, possibly a bully
Controlling or bullying gives her a sense of power
Criticizes, insults, threatens
Children’s feelings and wants do not matter
Likely doesn’t work well with others
This mother may have been the “preferred child” growing up
May feel underappreciated but refuse to let others help or heavily criticizes help
Micromanager and sees others as incompetent
Pays attention to details
May hold child to impossible standards
Typically this mother is displeased with her life
May have also had a controlling mother
Without a sense of empowerment, they feel lost
Daughters of The Control Freak Mothers
Learn to be a target; quiet, passive, tolerant
May fantasize about escaping
Feel the need to exert control as an adult
May put others needs before their own
Don’t trust their own judgment
Lack dignity and self-respect
As adult may rebel or become a bully to exert their longing desire for autonomy (repeating the cycle)
May partake in self-destructive behaviors due to enormous anger that has built up
May be a people pleaser, bully, or perfectionist
4 | Mothers Who Need Mothering
Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays
Puts any energy they have into their own survival
Not available; shuts herself in her room or lays on couch for long periods of time
Doesn’t get kids ready for school
Withdrawn into their own world
May be at home, but not present
Will not notice your accomplishments
May sleep, watch TV, complain often, abuse drugs and alcohol
Mother morphs into a helpless and needy child
In a dark spiral of depression, ill and suffering
May not care for children or even herself
Lacks rules, discipline, and boundaries
Daughters of The Mother Who Needs Mothering
Try to make everything better
Likely become caretakers by profession; often nursing, social work, and counseling
Ability to be cool, collected and capable
Often support others success and happiness but overlook their own
Do not put themselves first
May have protected mother, lied for her, defended her, been her confidant
Overdeveloped sense of guilt
Asking for help makes them feel weak
May feel angry, unappreciated or used
A child in this role was not given opportunity to fully explore and develop their individual self
Trained to be an expert in others’ needs
Carries horrendous emotional load
Vigilantly anticipates possible difficulties to diffuse problems before they occur
Feels ashamed and inadequate that they cannot save their mother
Do too much, give too much
Has a treadmill of problems to be solved
Do not understand reciprocal relationships that are free of the need to rescue
Have a sense of being an alien or being different
Have been robbed of a childhood
Chronically find themselves in a counseling/caregiving role (repetition compulsion)
Repetition compulsion; the need to repeat old behavioral patterns with the hope of getting different results
5| Mothers Who Neglect, Betray, and Batter
Unavailable, distant, cold
Preoccupied with themselves, self-centered
May overlook sexual abuse of children in order to avoid being abandoned themselves
Unwilling to pull children safety
May even blame children for being abused or molested
Children become a dumping ground for the mothers unresolved emotional baggage
Resent children, treat them as objects, blame them
Fail to protect them from predators and may abuse
May have been severely traumatized or from a loveless household
Never learned tenderness or empathy
Children are the scapegoat for mother’s anger and feeling of helplessness
Look away and rationalize their children being abused
The truth becomes the enemy
Daughters of The Mothers who Neglect, Betray, and Batter
Fearful, angry, hungry for affection
Struggle to find themselves
Feel invisible, unwanted, ignored
Starved of attention, warmth, touch and support
Feel guilty and that things are their fault
Often expect the worst of people (may become an overprotective parent)
Paradoxically, may be desperate for love, overlook red flags; become a victim, again
Do not feel worthy of love
Feel angry inside which may lead them to become abusers
Feel violated, damaged and isolated
Unconsciously pulled towards unstable or dangerous partners
Never Underestimate The Power of Familiar
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Based on the book written by Claudia Black
In addition to defining common mothers who can’t love, this book also includes techniques to overcome the wounds inflicted. Some of the techniques include acknowledging the painful feelings, tapping into the wisdom within their anger and grief, changing behaviors, and setting boundaries.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.”
what you can do about it now
The Effects of Neglect and Abuse of a Mother Can Be Severe
But The Healing Can Be Equally Dramatic.
If you liked these words read more at twoforsue.com
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