[beeintheworks]

Pop Up Thoughts

You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had.

The thoughts, the uncontrollable, unwelcomed thoughts.

POP.

Thought.

Mini, major, I don’t know what kind of panic, panic.

I shield my face from I don’t know what, 

Pounding at my head with fists of unbridled sick anger.

“Go away!”, I yell continually until the pounding knocks me sane again.

Until the pounding knocks me sane again.

-Bettina Madison

[beeintheworks]

I hate evenings. I find them depressing. I like mornings, I like daytime, and I like night time, but I hate evenings. The transition between day and night in a middleclass suburban city screams average. It makes me feel as if no one will ever see me. I wake up I go to work I eat dinner I go to sleep. Then I repeat it all the next day. It bothers me because I feel so alone. 

[beeintheworks]

Untitled

One time I stayed awake and screamed until my voice was hoarse.

Inside my head of coarse.

I questioned everything...

It made me feel unsafe.

But It also felt natural.

I asked God why He put me down here when he knew I could get in to so much trouble.

I shook, 

and I cried,

 and I had an anxiety attack...

And then it was all over.

I fell asleep.

I was finally at peace.

[beeintheworks]

I want to write rhapsodies to the moon. I desire to feel free like the moon, like the stars, and the forest, and the ocean. I want the elements of the world to engulf me. I am not meant for people I am meant for the earth. And one day God will take pity on me and return me to where I belong.

[beeintheworks]

I have somewhat become afraid of my own body. It produces so much pain sometimes and I don’t understand it. I am spiraling tonight. And the spiral is becoming too tight. 

[beeintheworks]

Mend It With Gold

What if?

What if I was confident in myself?

What if I believed I had talent?

I feel like if I had something to offer the world I would give it.

There’s a quote that says all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage.

What would I do with my twenty seconds of insane courage?

I would use the first five seconds 

to tell you about all of the pain I see in the world.

I would tell you about all the sadness I see behind the fake smiles and all the unspoken words people really want to say.

I would use six through ten 

to tell you about my anxiety. And that someone once told me that having anxiety means you notice the pain more.

And maybe that’s why I don’t talk. Because if I did talk I would have to talk to you about what I see and why I see it.

And I’m not the best at explaining things.

The more I see it, the more I say quiet. The more I know it to be true the more I want to deny it.

I would use eleven through fifteen

to tell you that most of the pain I see is self inflicted.

If only you would just let go you would be a peace again.

there is pain in this world, and I want nothing more that to fix all the broken people.

I would use sixteen through twenty

to tell you about a Japanese proverb that says if something has broke mend it with gold, and let the flaws shine. 

Let that person know that flaws are necessary to grow.

And no matter how many streaks of gold you have in you, just know that others have gold in them too.

-Bettina Madison

[beeintheworks]

I want to make something of myself. But why is it so hard for me to choose what I want to be? I lack motivation and confidence in myself to actually make something of myself. How Will I ever figure it out?  

[beeintheworks]

New Beginnings

I’m excited for spring. I felt like my life is finally moving, and that I get to do things that I want to do. That's a great feeling. It’s invigorating, and lovely, and makes me fall in love with life. I still have bad moments, but I am finally learning to appreciate the good. Life finally feels like it’s moving.

[beeintheworks]

Why can't I try on different lives, like dresses, to see which one fits me and is most becoming?

Silvia Plath