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They know my Virgo mind so well....

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 23

Me here, 

The posting is getting a little harder on the weekends now that I feel like I’m always busy with things that I want to do by myself. I got a bomb ass tattoo on Friday and it was the most expensive I’ve done for myself in a really long time besides buying a car lol. But today I realized that men are strange because I called my ex because he literally has not been home in 3-4 days and I told him that he needed to also be responsible for “our dog” as well that I can’t always be home with her....and he was like well I’ll just take the dog with me everywhere then...I was like that is still not going to resolve the issue with you not being home or coming home to the apartment....then he went on this whole meltdown about how he was busy and couldn’t make time for him to come back to the apt. 

After that conversation it literally took me 3 hrs of playing soccer to realize that he still thinks that we are still in a relationship but without the physical part and the emotions he just thinks that I’m just going to keep doing for him and not do for me anymore and I’m just like how do you think that we are still together after I told you that I want nothing to do with you anymore and we literally only talk to each other when we are face to face not text or phone call. I’m just generally confused at this point and I don’t know what his next crazy step will be. 

To be continued.......

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 20

Bee here, 

I’ve been lost in thought the last 2 days and side track that I don’t even know what day of the week it is. But i’m showering, eating, and still going to work. I haven’t fallen off the deep end yet with my tormented mental state at this time. Though sometimes I wish that I would...because maybe that might make everyone feel better....If I was just gone or missing because then no one would worry and I wouldn’t have to deal with my feelings anymore. But I know that would only make things worse thank what they already are. But I have found a therapist to talk to and also I do plan on getting a new tattoo probably this weekend which I am really excited for yay meeee!!! No updates on my ex though he seems to be just fine living his best like with no worries...It’s troubling to say the least because I don’t think that it is very healthy for you that way. 

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 16

Me here, 

Its been three long weeks....I can tell you this has been the longest 3 weeks of my lifeeee. I can tell that he is starting to get agitated with me and starting to turn back into his old ways. We decided that we were going to try and be out the apartment by september so that hopefully the rent will be cheaper for the both of us. But who knows what will happen when we get there. I’m struggling while writting this post because I literally just had overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me and it just hurts so bad right now. My ex just acts like everything is so fine and cool and he just goes on and lives his life but as I should but I feel like ever 3 steps I take forward I just get pushed 8 back...I feel so helpless just right now in this moment. I feel just sooo stuck and I can breath or move....

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 15

Bee here, 

Today I heard affirmation...”I chose only to hold space for others once I hold space for myself” and it was something that I think I needed to hear today. I’ve been hanging on to every word, phrase, thought, and saying that I’ve ever received from him that I was messing up my personal self trying to fine tooth every corner and hair trying to find the lie or red flag. I realized that in order for me to really find myself and what my next step is I have to focus on me. It hit my like a ton of bricks today like I’m really just like chop liver like every future thought we mad together is gone. I know I may be repeating myself but it just become more clear each time and I don’t know how many times I’m going to keep saying it. It’s always quite in the apt now and we spend time away from each other in our prospective rooms...I don’t know how it came to this but this is my reality for now...and honestly it just really sucks that I can’t find anyone to show me the love I deserve. I just want pure, happy, and fantastic love...

P.S. I think my next entry will be a poem...

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 11-14

Hey its me again...

Sorry that I’ve been MIA if you are watching and keeping up with my post. The last 4 days have been a wild ride from having ups and downs to not seeing him at all and barely any phone calls or messages coming through I really felt like a waste of space. I had a real cry Tuesday day night while driving which I know is very scary. But I couldn’t help it. I just felt like a lost everything at one time and I felt like I had no one to really talk to about anything no one to share any small and good information with...I truly left alone like by myself alone. He just fucks with my head all the time and still does nice things and all that I’m just like dude stop trying because you should of been trying 2 years ago when we decided to move. IT’S TOO LATE. I don’t know how I can get that through his big ugly head. I’ve had enough of the mental games and I’m ready to get out and move on. 

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 10

Bee here, 

Another hard day...we talked today like nothing has happened or changed. He talked to me like we were still in relationship and it felt so nice and so good. But I understand that this is all a front from him. This is the way that I should of felt all the time when we were together not just when you felt like being nice to me. He said that he wanted to stay friends after everything that he as put me through mentally and emotionally. I can’t tell if this is some kind of front or what kind of manpiulation that is happening but I am so scared of what is too come if I stay in the same apartment of with him any longer. I may start to feel obligated to be with him and sleep with him even though we are no longer together. I almost gave in...I miss his smell and the way that he would hold me when he gave me a hug or the way his lips felt against mine. But I know that it can’t be this way anymore. My signs are showing up that I need to move out and move on with my life. But I just feellll so stuck in the moment that I truly do not want to let go but this is what is best for me and my mental health. 

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 9

Me here, 

Today was interesting. I woke up to flowers on the table and him wanting to cook breakfast and doing the dishes. He said that he did all this and wanted to apologize for the right way. ALL RED FLAGS!!!! This guy...this guy....I literally have no words to describe the amount of manipulation that is coming from this stupid man. How is the hell do you just flip like that from one end of the spectrum to the other. It literally makes no sense to me. He played all nice this morning and acted like everything was good as new as if he thought that I was going to just jump back into his arms asking for him back? Uhhh no...I don’t think so. 

I am soooo past being pissed.

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 8

Me...

It’s been a week....Today we had our talk. Well he decided that he wanted to break the lease and that he was going to pay for it and he was going to keep the dog which I understand. But I am going miss her so much. I kept looking for reason try and keep him around and talking just hurting myself more and he just didn’t want to hear it or be there any longer. He apologize not for what he did but for what he is about to put me through with moving and stuff. It just crushes my heart to think that he doesn’t care anymore or that he just doesn’t seem to give a flying fish anymore or seems to care anymore. 

I’m going to try and give this blogging a good 30 days before I make a decision to stop....If anyone is reading this please let me know what I’m not alone out here. I could use some random stranger fans right now. 

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 6/7

Hey...its me again, 

 6. Merging yesterday and today together because I traveled across the state all day yesterday for a wedding. It really messed me up mentally. I left the reception early because I couldn’t take being alone by myself. It felt awkward because I thought at one point this would be me being loved just as hard and enjoying a first dance with who I thought was the love of my life. I was really heart broken that I cried for a good 2 hrs on the way home. I was so angry like I don’t think I’ve been that angry before.  

7. Today I finally confronted him and asked to sit down and talk and to stop avoiding each other because it is very frustrating. He finally agreed to sit down and talk when I asked him super early this morning. But I came home thinking that things that maybe would change but I played myself because I came home to his new mattress that he order. 

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 5

Me, 

Gotta type fast because its almost midnight. I cried a lot today when I got home because I left more lonely than ever today. I noticed that my chances for a baby are now slim to none. How can someone just through a whole future away in just a matter of days. It just breaks my heart. I need something to fill the void for right now. On a better note I get to go on my first adventure alone tomorrow. I hoping for a lot of fun. 

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 4

Me again, 

Today was long. Came home last night to my dog not being home but she was with my ex so that was good to know. I went out Saturday with some of my soccer teammates and we had a great time. I took care of myself Saturday which left great but I still feel an emptiness and stillness that I can’t shake. I’ve had the urge to cry all day but I did cry a little in the shower. It didn’t seem to help much. I wonder if this will start to affect my work and how I play. Should I start going to the gym? Ugh send help. 

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 3

Yep its me again, 

Hope everyone’s day is going well. But myself am not doing so well. He didn’t come back to the apt last night....and still hasn’t come back and its currently 1:13pm CST. I reached out via text and phone but he has yet to respond and I feel disrespected because I would never do anything like to someone I spent 5 years with. I just kind of feel stuck between not giving a fuck and caring too much. But in response to my last post he did cheat and I know everyone has a different view on what cheating....When men or woman say that they don’t have or use social media please believe me when I say THEY DO! I found my ex using snap chat to share nudies with some chick he met online his excuse was that “he needed someone to talk too” and then this pass Wednesday I found him messaging he other ex girlfriend via Instagram. So to say I’m hurt and heartbroken is an understatement. 

P.S. Now i’m stuck in a whole new state alone and possibly with a dog. 

[beesworlddotcom]

Day 2

Hey me again, 

I think today was more of the harder days for me personally because I just kept trying to find ways to reach out to him and hear his voice. I asked “what are you doing?” reach I noticed that it was way out line because we aren’t together anymore and I have no business being in his. But he avoided the questions all together and just told me that he was heading back to our place. It kind of sucks to think that he may be moving on to fast for my taste but who am I too judge. I just want to know when did he fall out of love with me because I honestly can’t figure that out. But I know of one thing that could of made a big impact on his choices but that still does make them excusable. 

P.S. Next post tomorrow will be about what actually caused all this mess. 

[beesworlddotcom]

Hi!

I am not new to tumblr but I lost my original account. I recently just came out of a long term relationship **like yesterday**and I think I need something more response then pen and paper. 

P.S. We still live together until 4/2022. Send help!!!