incorrect beetlejuice quotes

[beetlelands]

Charles: Excuse me ma’am, have you ever been arrested?

Delia: Yes.

Charles: I was going to say “because it’s illegal to be that cute” but now I’m curious.

Delia: Aggravated assault

[beetlelands]

okay this is probably the last one i’ll post. it’s from november 2019 and is called “son of a maitland.” bet you can’t guess what it’s about. oh and this one is just kinda chocked full of ocs so thats fun

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At a family reunion Barbara Maitland (neé Anderson) was sat down by her parents after they heard her tell yet another relative that her and Adam weren’t ready for kids yet. They had heard the same thing from their daughter for years, but it’s not like they could blame her. Having kids was a big leap, but they were sick of watching her look so longingly at families.

“Sweetheart, we love you. We always have and always will.” Her mom started.

Barbara laughed awkwardly, “are you breaking up with me?”

Her parents laughed, her dad saying “of course not, sweetie.”

“You and Adam have been dating since your sophomore year of high school and you were friends far before that. You got married about five years ago.” Her mother explained.

“Thanks for reminding me, I almost forgot.” Barbara joked.

“What she’s trying to get to is that when you were little you always said you wanted to be a mother.” Her dad cut in.

Barbara’s face fell, “So that’s what this is about.”

Her mom nodded solemnly. “For years we’ve heard you say that you’re not ready for kids, but when you were five the one thing you were most excited about when it came to being an adult was being a mother. It just hurts my heart to see you look so yearningly at families when we’re out together. Or just yesterday when we when shopping, you stopped and stared at the baby clothes for a bit and didn’t think I noticed.”

“Parenthood is hard, and it’s always going to be. You’re never truly going to be ‘ready’ to be a parent. The world will never be perfect enough for your kid, but you can take the steps to make sure they enjoy the world- even with its faults.” Her dad said, giving her a gentle smile.

Her mom placed a hand on her shoulder, “We can‘t make you have a child, but we can tell you that while any fears you have may be rational, you can’t let them keep you from having a kid.”

“I- okay.” Barbara nodded, hesitation turning into determination. “I’ll talk to Adam.”

-

While Barbara had her parents intervene on the situation, Adam was stuck with his sister calling him out.

Adam Maitland sat down on his sister’s couch. While Barbara was at her family reunion, Adam was helping his younger sister, Jessica, move.

Jess plopped down next to him, kicking her feet up on the boxes that now took up the space where her coffee table once was. “So, how are you and Barbara?” She said in a tone he was all too familiar with. He really thought he’d make it through the day without hearing the question.

“We’re good” he said as he ignored the true meaning of her question. “We actually just started taking some couples recreational classes. She’s surprisingly good at ballroom dancing, says it’s the ex-cheerleader in her.”

“Oh come on, Adam. You know what I meant.” Jess teased her older brother.

“Look, everyone always asks. And the answer is always no. When she is pregnant, it’s not like we’re gonna keep it a secret. We’re just not ready to have a baby yet, so drop it.” He got defensive.

She put her hands up in surrender, “no need to get your panties in a twist.” He glared at her. She put her hands down.

Jessica sighed, her tone going serious. “Why are you so afraid of being a father?”

“Wha- who- I’m? What?” Adam sputtered.

“You’re afraid of parenthood. Why?” She repeated in different terms.

“I’m not afraid to be a father.”

“Then why haven’t you and Barbara had kids.”

“We’re not-“

“Don’t give me that ‘not ready’ bullshit. You’d be amazing parents, but instead you’re wasting your parental potential on restoring old objects and making pottery. Since when did Barb even like pottery?”

“We’re just not in the right place right now. The economy is a wreck, global affairs are fleeting. I don’t want to raise a kid in a crumbling society.”

“Oh my god Adam, do you hear yourself? You sound insane! You’re attached to this ridiculous need for perfection to hide away from your own insecurities.”

“Just because you took one psych class doesn’t mean you’re right.”

“Maybe so, but dude you can’t let such trivial things get to you. The world will never be perfect, that’s human nature. If you keep waiting for perfection, you’ll never have a kid.” Adam went to speak, but Jess cut him off. “If you want a baby, have a baby!”

“Okay okay, you make some good points.” He sighed. “I’ll talk to Barbara when she comes back from her parent’s house tomorrow.”

“Great! Now, let’s finish packing up my apartment. This couch has got to go.” She stood from the couch and offered her brother a hand. “Come on, grandpa.”

“I’m two years older than you!”

“Exactly.”

-

Adam whistled the tune of an old calypso song he couldn’t remember the words to. He was making dinner for Barbara- and himself of course. He was just about to plate the food when the door opened and the familiar sound of keys jingled for a second.

“Honey, I’m home” Barbara sung out with a small laugh. Adam smiled at his wife’s antics.

“Dinner’s ready.” He called out, and instantly he heard her footsteps approach the dining room. He placed the food in the two plates and carried them to the table.

“Welcome back honey” he greeted her, giving her a quick kiss on the lips. “how was the family reunion?” He asked, pulling out her chair for her to sit down.

Barbara sat and Adam pushed the chair back into place. “It was interesting as always. Like a pre-thanksgiving.”

He took a seat, “Was there karaoke again this year? I remember last year when your uncles performed (song) and forced your dad to join in. That was amazing.”

“Oh of course there was karaoke, have you met the Andersons?” She joked. “Granny made us all sing (song). And mom had me and dad sing (song) with her. It was wonderful.”

“I wish I could’ve gone, but I had already told Jess I’d help her move.”

“It’s no problem, babe. But they did miss having you around. You’re everyone’s favorite in-law, whether they admit it or not.”

Adam beamed, “Well I can't wait to see them at actual Thanksgiving.” They were going to do Thanksgiving at the Anderson’s this year and Christmas at the Maitland’s.

The two began eating the spaghetti Adam had prepared. They fell into a comfortable silence.

“Oh I forgot to ask how Jess was.” Barbara spoke up, totally not avoiding a topic.

“She’s doing well. I think she plans on proposing soon, which isn’t that much of a surprise considering her and Abigail are moving in together.”

“Aw that’s sweet.” She smiled, definitely reflecting on when Adam proposed to her.

“Jess actually brought something up yesterday.”

“Oh? What was it?”

“Well she asked the question as usual, but this time she was adamant about my answer.”

“Oh” she said quietly.

“She asked why I was scared to be a parent and when I answered, she told me that I was insane.”

“Well what was your answer?”

“I told her that I wasn’t afraid, I just didn’t want to raise a kid in a crumbling society. And she brought up a good point.” He sighed, placing his fork down, his spaghetti long forgotten. “Barbara, if we keep waiting for the world to be perfect, we’ll never have a kid.”

“Wow okay, my parents brought up a surprisingly similar point.”

“Do you think they conspired against us?” Adam asked, glancing around the room as if they were being watched, earning a small giggle from his wife.

“Dad said that things will never be easy and that there’s no true way to be ready for parenthood. But what really stuck with me was when he said ‘The world will never be perfect enough for your kid, but you can take the steps to make sure they enjoy the world even with its faults.’”

The couple fell silent for a few beats.

“Barbara?” She answered with a hum. “Do you want to have a child with me?”

“I- yes!” She grinned.

“But like not right now, right?”

“We should finish dinner first.”

“Oh okay wow, we’re just jumping right into it.” He awkwardly cleared his throat.

“We don’t have to do anything tonight, honey.”

“I just- this time it’s for real. It should be special right?”

“What’s more special than a home cooked meal?” She asked somewhat jokingly.

“I love you so much” he smiled squeezing her hand from across the table.

“I love you too so much.”

-

The couple ended up not trying that night, but they were sure to try time and time again in the following month(s). One day she took a pregnancy test and boom that shit was finally positive.

At the start of her second trimester, they told their immediate family about Barbara’s pregnancy. At the (?) week mark, they threw a baby shower. It was wonderful. And on March 7 of (year), Connor Maitland was born!!

-

The boy was almost 15 and in his last semester of freshman year. While he was at school, Barbara and Adam were cleaning the house. They weren’t necessarily expecting guests, but the place was due for a good cleaning. Music played on the radio that was placed on the stairs to better filter the music throughout the house. The Maitlands sang and danced along to the music. Adam stepped on a creaky floorboard and called out to Barbara to put fixing it on their to do list. He continued on with his cleaning, sweeping. Barbara entered the living room, a slower song now playing on the radio. She giggled at the sight of Adam slow dancing with the broom.

“Mind if I cut in?” She asked, looking from the broom to her husband. Adam gave a cheeky smile, placing the broom against the wall. And so the couple danced, Adam taking the lead. As the song came to an end, Adam dipped Barbara. When he brought her back up, she kissed him. The two would have continued kissing if the next song didn’t start playing. It was an upbeat song, and just so happened to be a song that Adam had put on a mixtape for Barbara way back in the day. She claimed it was one of her favorite songs because it reminded her of him. They danced again, this time Barbara leading. She spun Adam out and the two danced separately for a bit. Adam shook invisible maracas to the music, making Barbara laugh. The two had the same idea, jumping towards each other to continue their dance. But alas the place they landed was where the creaky floorboards were, they sunk through the floor crashing into the basement.

-

The door creaked open, causing Connor to wince at the sound. He closed the door upon entry, allowing himself to focus on the loud music playing from the old record player. The track skipped a few beats, almost as if mimicking the young boy’s heart beats.

“Mom? Dad?” He called out, putting his book bag down by the door. He slipped off his shoes before walking away from the door, heading towards the kitchen.

He noticed the large hole in the ground, and his pulse quickened. He approached the hole, peeking down to see what his below their house.

The record stopped playing as the boy looked. Connor’s eyes grew wide, and the sudden lack of noise left him drowning in his own thoughts. He scrambled back from the gaping hole, hands over his mouth. The tears forming in his eyes burned. He shook his head, sputtering the word “no.”

With a shaking hand, he pulled out his phone. He called the police, detailing the situation. His clammy hands fidgeted with the hem of his shirt as he spoke, trying to find some sense of grounding.

Once he was done talking to the police, he called his aunt Jess. Technically his mom’s cousin Jane lives closer to them, but Jess was just a city out and he favored her over Jane. He held back his sobs as he spoke with her, but as soon as she said she was on her way, he hung up and allowed himself to mourn.

The boy sat down on the couch, curled into the fetal position. His sobs visibly shook his body. He had so many questions- namely how did this happen and why did it have to be his parents? His head pounded a sickening beat.

Connor didn’t watch when his parents’ bodies were taken away. He was barely responsive when the police asked him questions. His aunt Jess arrived and he felt like he finally found some sense of grounding. Her familiar voice was comforting. The police left because I make the rules. Jess sat down next to the crying boy, asking softly if she could touch him. Connor nodded and she wrapped her arm around him, a sideways hug of sorts considering his fetal position on the couch. He fell into her arms and she held him closely. The aunt and her nephew sat there for what felt like hours before the woman spoke up.

“Do you want to stay here?” She asked softly. Connor hesitantly shook his head no. Sure, he didn’t want to leave his home, but would it really be a home without his parents?

“Do you want to stay with me?” He nodded yes, unsure of where else he’d go. Sure, he could go live with either set of grandparents but he didn’t really want to leave his school district. He had already lost his parents, he didn’t need to lose his friends too.

“Are you ready to go now?” Connor didn’t respond. He felt like he’d never be ready. But he needed to get out of his house, the air felt heavy and contaminated by the happy memories he had of his parents. Jess didn’t rush him to answer, just softly rubbed circles into his back. Connor eventually nodded and she tapped his back twice, signaling to him that she was getting up, before retracting herself from him and standing up. Jess offered him her hand and pulled him up onto his feet.

The aunt guided her nephew out of the house, grabbing his book bag by the door. And with that they left, Jess telling him that she would handle getting all of his stuff from the house so he didn’t have to go back unless he wanted to. He didn’t want to.

-

Grieving is hard. Attending his parents’ funeral was like finding their dead bodies in the basement all over again.

Connor hated the funeral. Hated how people he never knew pitied him. Hated how their condolences were rehearsed and repetitive. They didn’t care- not like he did. The only people there that truly cared about his loss were his grandparents and aunt. But that’s because the death of Adam and Barbara was the loss of their children and her brother.

The funeral was over soon enough, and Connor was able to continue on with his life. Well it wasn’t that easy. The boy drowned himself in tasks to distract from his pain. He picked up several hobbies, not quite enjoying any of them but forcing himself to continue doing them. After six months, Connor had pushed his emotions to the side so often that he almost felt numb when someone mentioned his parents.

-

Lydia Deetz’s mother died six months ago. Now here she was, having left the Big Apple for some small town in Connecticut. But the good thing about the new house was that it was haunted! Sure, the ghosts were very vanilla but they were sweet and still ghosts nonetheless. When she had gotten to know the ghosts, Adam and Barbara Maitland, they mentioned their son Connor. Adam asked Lydia when she would be enrolling into school, and meekly asked her if she would look for their son. Just to check on him, because they haven’t had any contact with him since they died. Lydia sympathized with Connor and was quick to agree to the Maitland’s task.

But before Lydia could even start to think about said task, a certain demon came into her life. That’s right. Lawrence Betelgeuse “Beetlejuice” Shoggoth. The bio-exorcist himself, the ghost with the most.

We all know how that story goes. Lydia summons Beej, all hell breaks loose, dance break, yada yada, knock knock knock, uwu family, another dance break, Beej goes back to the netherworld, shake shake shake Senora.

It had been a month since the Beetlejuice situation had been dealt with and it was time for Lydia to go to school. She was bummed to have to return to normalcy, or as close to normal as Lydia could achieve.

Lydia left out for school, reminding herself of her promise to the Maitlands. She was to find Connor and tell him of his parents’... situation. She would have to explain the whole being dead thing. Despite having come to terms with Emily’s death, a part of Lydia was jealous to know that he would get his parents back and she couldn’t get her mom back. She knew it was wrong to feel that way, but she was only human after all.

-

Lydia looked down at the picture in her hand one last time before pocketing it. It was a picture of Adam, Barbara, and Connor. It had a note on the back that the Maitlands wrote for their son. Lydia had studied the boy’s face all weekend, having looked at several pictures with Adam and Barbara.

She walked through the hallway, looking around. The school wasn’t too big, so she shouldn’t have too much of a problem. But there were still quite a bit of people. She continued toward her locker, listening in on conversations in hope of hearing his name.

It had reached the end of the day and Lydia still hadn’t seen Connor. She had given up hope for the day, deciding she should try again tomorrow because he may be sick or something. She walked down the hallway, disappointed that she couldn’t talk to him that day.

Lydia was walking on the sidewalk, passing the school. That’s when she turned a corner and bumped straight into the person she had been looking for. She had nearly fallen down from the impact but the boy caught her.

“I’m so sorry” they said in unison, laughing a little at their synchronization.

“I should’ve been paying attention.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck. The action reminded her of Adam.

“I think we both could’ve been paying more attention than we were. But at least no one was injured.” She shrugged.

He nodded in agreement, smiling. He went to continue walking, but she cleared her throat. “You’re Connor Maitland, right?” She asked meekly.

“I- yeah? How do you- why?” He sputtered, understandably confused.

“I know your parents.”

“I think you mean ‘knew’” He mumbled, looking down.

“No, I know what I said.”

His head jerked up. “What- you- huh?” He subconsciously pushed up his glasses.

“We have a lot to discuss, Connor.” She stuck her hand out towards him and he hesitantly grabbed it. They shook hands. “I’m Lydia Deetz.”

“We, uh, we can go somewhere to talk?” He hesitantly suggested. “There’s a bench not far from here.” He nodded in the direction of the bench.

“Lead the way” she smiled, motioning for him to go.

They sat down on the bench. Connor wrung his hands together, mind racing as he waited for Lydia to speak. Another one of Adam’s mannerisms, she noted.

“Long, medium, or short version of the story?”

“Uh, medium I guess” he shrugged.

“Good choice.” She nodded before jumping right into the story. “I moved into your old house with my dad and Delia, just a week ago or so. We’re from New York, but that’s not important right now.” She cleared her throat, deciding not to talk about Emily. “Your parents are ghosts.” She said bluntly.

“What?” Connor muttered, furrowing his brows.

“They tried to scare my family out of the house. But it really didn’t work. I tried to help them scare my dad so we could go back to New York. But he couldn’t see Adam and Barbara, and he didn’t believe me. Adam, Barbara, and I decided to come up with a plan to scare my dad and Delia. They were planning a dinner party, so we decided to cut in on that. It was great. Adam and Barbara were able to possess the guests and had everyone sing Day-O. It wasn’t exactly scary, but it was just up their alley. But that didn’t work. It just made dad want to stay more. He wanted to profit off the house. Some stuff went down, like a lot of convoluted stuff that I’ll tell you later. I don’t want to overwhelm you.” Too late. “Point is, now we all live like one big family. Adam, Barbara, Delia, Dad, and me.” She smiled. “Anyway, your parents asked me to try to find you, to let you know they were still around. They miss you, a lot. This weekend we went through scrapbooks and they told me a lot of stories about you. Oh! Speaking of..” she trailed off, reaching into her book bag. She pulled out the picture of Adam and Barbara with Connor. She handed it to him. “There’s a note for you.”

Connor read the note, and began tearing up. Lydia wondered what the note said, having previously decided to not snoop despite her curiosity.

“I don’t know what to say” he said quietly, taking off his glasses to rub away the tears falling from his eyes.

“You don’t have to say anything- not until you’re ready.” She shrugged.

Connor closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He sniffled as his tears slowed to a stop. He placed his glasses back on his face.

He slipped the note into his jacket pocket, sighing. “Thank you- for bringing me the note, for talking to me, for giving me time to process everything. Just. Thank you, Lydia.”

“It’s no problem, Connor. I’m just glad you actually took time to listen to me and didn’t just write me off as some crazy person.” She said with a small laugh and he smiled.

“Can I give you a letter to bring to them tomorrow? And can you tell them that I love them.”

“You could always come over” she suggested. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Or if you need more time-“

“No no, I would like to see them”

“Then you should be able to see them.” She shrugged.

“Okay nice. Just ask your dad if I can come over tomorrow, and we can walk together after school. I know Aunt Jess will let me go, as long as I don’t give her all the details of course. She’ll just be glad I’m finally hanging out with someone outside of marching band practice.”

She smiled, “That’s fair.”

He looked down at the watch on his wrist. “Oh I gotta go. Again, thank you.” He stood up, pulling his book bag onto his shoulders. “Bye, Lydia!” He said before running off.

“Bye, Connor!” She called after him. He gave her a backward wave before turning the corner.

Lydia pumped her fist in success. She grabbed her book bag and headed home.

-

She placed her book bag by the door, taking off her shoes. “Adam! Barbara!” She yelled up the stairs. “I’m home!” She would’ve been quieter, but her dad was at work and Delia was out shopping so she didn’t have to worry about them complaining about her shouting.

The ghosts flew down the stairs, tumbling to a stop in front of the teenager. Lydia laughed, “why don’t you just go through the floor and ceiling?”

“Feels weird” Adam shrugged. “But that’s not what’s important.” He started.

“Did you talk to him?” Barbara asked, clearly excited for the answer.

“Yeah!” Lydia smiled.

“How’d it go?” Adam asked nervously.

“He didn’t freak out when I explained the situation to him. He cried at the note you wrote him and said he wanted to write a letter back to you. But I invited him to come to the house tomorrow- if that’s okay with you guys.”

“Of course it’s okay!” Barbara celebrated with Adam.

“Wait, we should ask your dad- or Delia.” Adam said, earning bids from his wife and Lydia.

“Dad will definitely say yes to Connor coming over. Ever since we went to the Netherworld, he’s been all soft when it comes to family things. But don’t tell him I told you that.”

“Our lips are sealed” Adam joked. In unison, him and Barbara pretended to zip their lips. However, Adam’s lips became actual zippers.

Lydia and Barbara laughed. The visual joke reminded Lydia of Beetlejuice but she wouldn’t say so. The man reverted his lips back to normal.

“Honey, that was terrible.” Barbara said, shaking her head.

“You loved it” He teased, poking at her side.

She swatted his hand away, giggling. “Maybe I did.” She shrugged, regaining composure.

Lydia smiled at the couple’s soft antics, despite the teenager daughter in her telling her to pretend to be disgusted. “I can’t believe you’ve figured out advanced dad jokes.”

“Can’t wait to annoy Conn with them.” He beamed. Barbara smiled softly at the sentiment, rubbing his arm endearingly.

“He’ll love them” she said quietly.

Lydia didn’t want to encroach on their moment which was clearly personal, but wasn’t sure if she should leave or not.

“I now have two children to bother with my dad jokes!” Adam pumped a fist into the air, clearing any of Lydia’s doubts on her presence in the room.

“Oh no” Lydia deadpanned, pretending to be upset by the notion.

“Oh yes. The dad jokes- or should I say rad jokes- are just getting started.”

“No, no, you should not say” Lydia shook her head, but was unable to prevent herself from laughing a little.

-

Lydia and Connor walked side by side on the sidewalk after school. Charles had, unsurprisingly, said yes to Connor coming over and Delia declared that she would make cookies for the boy (and Lydia of course). They walked in a comfortable silence- at least it was comfortable for Lydia. Connor was having a little breakdown over seeing his parents again. They were almost to the house when he finally spoke.

“Okay so how does this all work?” He asked suddenly, looking over to her.

“What?”

“My parents are ghosts” he said simply.

“Oh yeah, I suppose I didn’t really explain the whole being dead thing. I don’t know how all of it works, considering I’m not dead, but I can try to explain from our side of things.” She shrugged and he nodded for her to continue. “It’s really all just about the willingness to acknowledge the strange and unusual. Almost everyone just turns a blind eye when something odd happens, they move on. To put it simply: they don’t look, so they can’t see. I discovered Adam and Barbara in the house because I was raised to like the strange and unusual. Hell, I myself am strange and unusual. So, I was able to see them as ghosts.”

“All I have to do is want to see them? To believe they’re there?”

“I mean yeah basically.”

“And can I touch them?”

“Yeah they've been learning how to interact more with the living realm. Ghost time works different than our time, so while it’s only been a few days since they’ve been ghosts they’ve had plenty of time to practice being corporeal.”

“Have you met any other ghosts?”

“I met a demon, but I haven’t really been around the town enough to really try to find ghosts. Then again, there might not be any as all ghosts are to proceed directly to the Netherworld. Adam and Barbara just didn’t get the memo, and when they did, they didn’t want to leave.” She shrugged.

“I’m glad they didn’t.” Connor smiled.

They made it to the Deetz-Maitland house and Lydia opened the door for Connor to enter. She came in after him, closing the door.

Lydia walked passed him, cupping her hands over her mouth as she shouted up the stairs. “Adam, Barbara! We’re here!” From the kitchen Delia called for her to stop yelling. Lydia rolled her eyes.

The ghosts ran down the stairs, not wanting to overwhelm Connor by flying. The boy stared at his parents and they stared back, wondering if he could see them. Lydia gave Connor a thumbs up from over his ghost-parents’ shoulders.

Connor took a deep breath to calm his nerves but his breath was shaky. His eyes were starting to water. They looked the same as they had that morning when he left for school. They looked the same as they did when he saw their dead bodies in the basement- albeit cleaner.

“Hey kiddo” Adam said cautiously. His voice made tears fall from Connor’s eyes.

“We missed you” Barbara said softly, voice wavering as she wept.

“I mi-ssed you t-oo” his words broke as he cried.

The parents hugged their son, and they stayed like that for a while. Lydia left them alone, going to bother Delia in the kitchen.

They pulled from the hug, and Barbara held her son’s face in her hands. Tears stained the ghost’s cheeks. Her cold hand grazed his cheek.

“You’ve gotten so big.” Her smile was soft, almost sad.

Adam ruffled his hair, “You’ve got to stop growing kiddo, you can’t be taller than me.”

They laughed, but Connor didn’t push his dad’s hand away like he used. He relished in their presence.

-

-

and again that’s it. that’s all i wrote xx

[beetlelands]

im just gonna post some of these back to back bc why not. this draft is from october 2019 and is aptly titled “ruh roh ghost lad." but this is the one where beej gets stuck as a ghost in the maitland-deetz house

-

-

With a poof, Beetlejuice was on the roof of the Maitland-Deetz house. He groaned, opening his eyes. “Where am I?” He questioned quietly, looking around the area. He was quick to recognize his destination. “Wait what no, how did I get here? God/Satan please send me back,” he muttered to himself. He tried his best to teleport himself away, but he couldn’t go anywhere. He tried to fly away but ended up on Saturn so he was quick to fly back to the roof.

Beetlejuice sunk down to his knees, begging to god/satan- or perhaps the person who sent him there in the first place.

“Dammit!” he shouted in frustration, slamming his hand down on the tiling of the roof.

He heard the window begin to rattle as it was being opened. Muttering a string of curses to himself, Beetlejuice teleported himself to the other side of the roof, hiding. He heard the familiar voice of Barbara Maitland say “I told you there’s nothing out here honey, stop being so paranoid.” With that the window shut once more.

Beetlejuice sighed, slumping down the side of the chimney. He was trapped in the plane of the Maitland/Deetz house. The place he was killed- not that he was still salty about that or anything. He refused to believe he was a simple ghost. He was still a demon- he had to be- maybe he was just trapped.

That’s when an idea struck him- he needed to see Lydia. If she said his name three times, he could return to the living plane like before. Sure, it might be hard to get her to say his name, but the two of them were BFFFFs forever. She had to help him, it was his only choice. He needed to get out of there and Lydia was his ticket home.

Begrudgingly, Beetlejuice floated down to Lydia’s room. The blinds were closed, so he knocked on the window. When she opened the blinds, he was out of sight. He phased through the wall and took a seat at the end of the bed. Beetlejuice watched as the girl narrowed her eyes, peering out the window. “Must’ve been a bird,” she shrugged before turning around to see none other than Lawrence Beetlejuice Shoggoth.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Oh c’mon Lyds, I know you missed me.” Beetlejuice teased, but the girl merely rolled her eyes, giving him a stern look. “Fine, I missed you- no okay even I didn’t believe that.”

She couldn’t help but smile a little at that, “You love me, don’t try to deny it.” The demon pretended to throw up, which caused Lydia to laugh but she was quick to stop herself. She regained the same serious tone she had earlier, “You know my family isn’t going to want you here.”

“But do you?” He asked, earning a confused look in return. “Lydia, do you want me to leave?”

“I don’t know, Beej. If I say, yes will you go?” The teen asked playfully.

“Nope! But get this- I won’t leave, because I can’t.”

“Wait what?” Lydia’s smug expression fell.

“I am trapped here just like dear old Adam and Barbara. You may wonder ‘how?’ and to that I say- I don't know! But I have an idea on how I might be able to leave, and that involves you, scarecrow. I need you to say my name three times and maybe, just maybe, I can get out of here.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“Well then, we just have to test it to find out.”

“Beetlejuice,” the demon clenched his fists in anticipation. “Beetlejuice,” he closed his eyes, preparing himself. “Beetlejuice,” Lydia finished off, watching intently to see what would happen.

The bio-exorcist stayed quiet for a little bit before opening one eye to examine if anything had happened. Groaning, he opened his other eye. “I don’t feel any different.” He tried using his demonic powers but nothing happened, well there were a bit of sparks (which caused Lydia to giggle a little at his failure). He tried teleporting but that was to no avail. “I don’t have my demon powers. I’m… not a demon.” Lydia was understandably shocked. For as long as she knew Beetlejuice he was a demon, she couldn’t even picture him as anything else. “I’m a ghost, Lydia! A fucking ghost!” He shouted angrily, slamming his fist down on her bed post. She shushed him, causing him to take a few deep breaths, “Okay, sorry, sorry. Gotta keep quiet so the fam doesn’t find me, I know.”

Lydia scrunched her nose in disgust at the word ‘fam’ but knew that wasn’t nearly as important as what Beetlejuice just revealed about himself. “How can you no longer be a demon? Is that even possible? And you said you’re trapped here? In that case, it doesn’t matter if you’re quiet or not. It’s not like you can hide forever. Plus, maybe Adam and Barbara can help get you back to normal. Is there a way to get you back to normal? What if-”

The ex-demon placed a hand on the girl’s shoulder, causing her to look up at him. “I’ll be honest with you, I zoned out until you said Adam.”

The girl pushed his hand off her shoulder, “This is serious Beej. What if you’re trapped here forever like the Maitlands?”

“Then I’m trapped here forever with the Maitlands” he smirked.

Lydia scoffed, rolling her eyes. “There’s gotta be some reason you’re like this, and there has to be some way to get you back to the way you were.” Beetlejuice nodded in agreement. “First step to figuring this all out is to let everyone know what’s happening.”

She motioned for him to follow her. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Nope but it’s all we got.” She shrugged and he copied the action.

Beetlejuice put his hand on the door before she could open it. “Okay but what if we prank them?”

“You know I’m always down to spook my family, but they’re not gonna be happy that you’re here to begin with. So we should take things easy, don’t overwhelm them, y’know?” He groaned and muttered complaints under his breath as he moved his hand from the door.

Lydia led Beetlejuice downstairs. No one was in the living room, so she loudly screamed for a family meeting.

Charles bolted into the room, Delia excitedly following him. The Maitlands sank down from the ceiling, clearly stressed by the teen’s yelling.

“I can’t believe you called a family meeting, Lydia!” Delia said cheerfully, not noticing the ex-demon standing behind Lydia.

“Get away from her” Charles commanded, glaring angrily at Beetlejuice. Sure, they didn’t leave off on a bad foot, but he was not going to let history repeat itself. Delia flinched at his shouting before seeing who he was talking to.

“Oh c’mon, Chuck. Aren’t you happy to see your son-in-law?” Beej teased, earning death glares from all of the adults in the room. “Too soon?” He asked, feigning innocence. Lydia laughed at the inappropriate joke. “See this guy gets it” Beetlejuice smiled, nudging the teen.

Delia placed a hand on Charles’ arm, a silent plea for him to remain calm. Adam placed his arm out in front of Barbara. She looked to him and he shook his head. With a sigh, she backed down, holding onto her husband’s hand for her emotional stability.

“Beetlejuice is trapped here as a ghost like Barbara and Adam.” Lydia states, breaking the tension in the room. Confusion was plastered on the adults’ features.

“How?” Adam asked slowly, hesitantly.

“Good question, really good question. However, we don’t have a really good answer.” Beetlejuice verbally danced around the answer.

“What does that mean?” Charles furrowed his eyebrows.

“He doesn’t know how this all happened.” The teen clarified with a shrug. “I thought that maybe my resident ghost parents could help us figure out what happened to him.”

Barbara narrowed her eyes at the ex-demon, not buying his act. Adam, however, smiled softly and said, “Of course we’ll help, Lydia.”

“If you’re staying here, we’re gonna need to lay down some ground rules.” Charles stated, eyes locked on Beetlejuice.

He met his eyes with an almost wicked smile, “Of course, Chuck.”

Lydia groaned dramatically, “it’s not like he can do much. He’s a ghost now, not a demon.”

“Ghosts need boundaries too” Barbara retorted.

“I think the most obvious rule is that you cannot marry Lydia again.” Delia said, earning nods from the adults in the room.

Beetlejuice groaned, “how many times do I have to say that it was a green card thing!?! Even I’m not creepy enough to actually try to marry Lydia. She’s like 3!”

“I’m almost 16, Beej.” She rolled her eyes.

“Exactly you’re 3. Now quiet down tot, the grown ups are talking.” He teased. She stuck her tongue out at him and he stuck his out at her.

“You’re not one to talk about age Beetlejuice. You may be extremely old, but you’re less mature than Lydia.” Charles spoke snidely. Both the ex-demon and his daughter seemed offended by the statement.

“Rule number two: no pranks.” Adam spoke up, trying to change the subject.

“What? That’s not fair!” Beej protested at the same time Lydia asked “Have you met us?”

“The last time you two pulled pranks, you scared people to the point that the passed out!” Barbara explained.

“Just because a couple of cowards couldn’t take a scare, doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be able to prank. Plus, That Beautiful Sound was a whole bop and our dance sequence was phenomenal.” Beetlejuice said defensively. Everyone except for Lydia gave him a confused look.

“Please don’t take away our pranks! We’ll tone them down, I promise.” Lydia bartered, giving both sets of parents puppy dog eyes.

Adam cracked first, then Delia, then Barbara. Charles didn’t crack until, with a frown, she muttered a quiet “please dad.”

“Okay fine. Rule number two is no big pranks. Just try not to do anything that will put yourself or others into harm’s way.” Charles amended.

“Rule three: don’t physically harass us, Beetlejuice.” Barbara said, crossing her arms sternly.

“Define physically harass…” BJ said furrowing his brows.

“Don’t grope or touch either of us inappropriately, don’t kiss us, and don’t make inappropriate jokes at our expense. I’m not just gonna take it this time.” Barbara said. Maitlands 2.0!

“Fair enough, Babs. But don’t pretend you didn’t like it.” He joked, earning the most terrifying look from Barbara. “Okay okay sorry, I was just kidding.”

Adam lightly rubbed his thumb in circles on Barbara’s hand, causing her to relax and saving Beetlejuice from her wrath.

“Rule four: no lashing out. In this house we try to maintain a calming aura, all matters can be solved through (calm) communication.” Delia smiled. Beetlejuice resisted to roll his eyes.

“I’d say the final rule is to not go into anyone’s bedroom unless you’re invited in. Snooping or just disturbing the peace is highly frowned upon, so just watch yourself. If any more rules are to be added in the future, you are expected to follow them as well.” Charles concluded.

“As you wish, Chuckles.” Beej said with a posh accent, bowing dramatically. Lydia giggled at his antics, but as usual, she was the only one to appreciate his jokes.

“We will leave you to figure out how all of this happened.” Delia stated with a soft smile, she lead Charles out of the room, and motioning for Lydia to follow. Hesitantly, she did. She mouthed to BJ that she’d be back in a bit.

“I don’t believe you.” Barbara said as soon as she heard the door down the hall close.

“What? What’s there to not believe? Wouldn’t you think I’d prefer to leave than stay somewhere where I’m clearly not wanted?”

“Well you weren’t exactly wanted the first time-“ Adam started, but was cut off by the ex-demon.

“I was selfish then. Goal oriented, if you will. I just wanted to be alive! But I’ve been down that track and seems like life just wasn’t meant for me. But here we are now, and I’m trapped with my killers.”

“Lydia is the one who stabbed you with bad art.” Adam stayed matter-of-factly.

“But you convinced me I was wanted. You kissed me.” He accused Adam. “And you flirted with me.” He pointed at Barbara. “You played to my senses to emotionally manipulate me! And you think I’m here by choice?”

Barbara frowned. He had left so confidently. There didn’t seem to be any hard feelings. But here they were. “Beetlejuice, I believe that you’re stuck here. I just meant that I didn’t believe you were telling the whole truth. But I’m sorry for what we did, we just wanted what was best for Lydia and that seemed like the only option.”

Beej took a breath, remembering Delia’s dumb rule. “What do you mean by you don’t believe I’m telling the whole truth?”

“You have to know how you got here.” Barbara said.

“Okay yeah fair enough. I’m pretty sure I know how and why I’m here but not how I can leave.”

“Wh- it was just that easy?” Adam asked. “All Barbara had to do was call you out?”

“The netherworld is full of paperwork

-

-

and again, an abrupt ending! because past me sucked <3

[beetlelands]

okay hey besties!!! im gonna post some of my drafts. this draft was simply titled “say uncle” and is from december 2019. it's the one i mentioned about beetlejuice being lydia's uncle, but i bet you could've guessed that.

-

-

“Lydia! Can you get the door?” Delia called out from the kitchen. The teen girl groaned dramatically in response from her spot on the couch. “Please?” Her stepmom-to-be shouted.

Lydia rolled her eyes but heaved herself off the couch. She lazily walked over to the front door, which had been loudly knocked on just moments ago.

“If I get killed, it’s all your fault.” Lydia cheerfully announced towards the kitchen before turning to open the door. Upon opening the door, Lydia’s jaw dropped.

There stood her uncle- Lawrence Betelgeuse “Beetlejuice” Shoggoth. The bastard himself.

Her shock quickly wore off into anger. She slammed the door in his face, but he simply knocked again. She took a deep breath before opening the door once more.

“Why are you here?” She spat, crossing her arms.

“C’mon didn’t you miss me?” He smiled, holding his arms out for a hug.

Lydia rolled her eyes, going to close the door again. Her uncle scrambled to keep the door from closing, pushing it open.

“What do you want?” She hissed, eyes narrowed at the man.

“Lucy, I’ve got some ’splaining to do.” He joked yet his tone was somber.

Lydia sighed but opened the door wide enough for him to enter. She walked to the couch, leaving him at the open door. He caught on and closed the door behind him as he followed her to the couch.

She sat down on one end and he on the other. Lydia was sat cross legged, looking at him expectantly.

“You have every right to be mad at me.” He started, but was interrupted.

“I had to show up to the funeral despite wanting to mourn alone in peace, so why couldn’t you show up to your own sister’s funeral? Dude, even Juno called to give her condolences. Juno for hell’s sake!” Venom laced her words, her pent up anger bubbling over. “So yeah, I have every right to be mad at you.”

“I know that was extremely shitty for me to do, and I do not expect you to forgive me. All I can ask is that you hear me out.” He sighed. “When I heard that Emily was getting sick, I drove myself insane trying to find someone- anyone- to help her. But that just got me in way too deep with some terrible people. I was so obsessed with wanting to cure my sister that I missed her death and her funeral.” He dragged a hand down his face. “I can’t go back in time. I can’t get back that time I should’ve spent by her side through it all. I can’t get back the time I should’ve spent with you and your father- grieving with you.” He sniffled, looking down. Lydia was rendered speechless by the tears threatening to spill from her uncle’s eyes. He hastily rubbed at his eyes, as if embarrassed by his emotions.

“I don’t want to forgive you,” She started quietly, “but I don’t want to hate you forever.”

“Well that’s a good start.” He smiled a little, earning an eye roll from the girl. “You don’t have to forgive me anytime soon, but please don’t shut me out. I wasn’t there when I should’ve been, but I’m here now. I’m here for you, for Charles- for the only family I have left.”

Lydia had never seen her uncle be so open and emotional. Sure, he was occasionally too open, but that was about his wild journeys and not his feelings. The man could recall his near death experiences in gory detail without batting an eye, but here he was choking up as he apologized to his niece.

The girl hadn’t noticed her own tears brimming in her eyes until he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. Lydia looked up at him, and his heart ached from the time he missed.

Wordlessly, she fell into his arms and let out a quiet sob. He rubbed circles in her back, hoping to provide a further sense of comfort for the girl. Her breathing slowly evened out.

Charles walked into the room after being told by Delia that someone had knocked on the door. He had full intent to ask Lydia who was at the door, but was stopped in his tracks as he noticed the man- his brother in law. His initial glare at the man softened as he noticed him holding his daughter. Beetlejuice gave Charles an awkward smile, which he didn’t return.

He gave Lydia a small pat on the back before quietly talking to her. “Your old man’s here.”

She tensed before sitting up. She turned her head to look at Charles. “Hey dad… Uncle Beej is here.”

“I’m aware, Lydia.” He sighed, walking over to the couch. “Can you give us a moment?” His daughter nodded hesitantly before leaving. Charles sat down, taking Lydia’s place on the couch.

“Okay Chuck, I know I’ve got a lot of explaining to do-“

“The hell you do. You just up and leave without another word when your sister gets sick. No one had any contact with you.” He clenched his fist. “When Emily was on her deathbed, she asked for you. Asked where you were. And I couldn’t give her an answer because I didn’t know where the hell you were!”

Beetlejuice placed his head in his hands. “I’m the worst. I know. I’m a terrible person, but more so a terrible brother.” He looked up at Charles. “I’m not going to sit here and play the sympathy card- telling you how fucking depressed I’ve been for the past few months because of how absolutely shit I am as a person.” He evened out his breathing. “I don’t expect you to forgive me for my absence. I should’ve been here and I know I should’ve been. I should’ve been there for Emily and for you and Lydia. I should’ve fucking been there.” He seethed, angry with himself.

“Can I just ask- why? Why weren’t you there? And why are you here now?”

“When Emily told me she was sick, I lost it. You know the old conspiracy theory of the government hiding a cure for cancer and other big illnesses like that?” Hesitantly, Charles nodded. “Well I heard about these guys who were selling that kind of shit- real black market level business going on. But I was stupidly determined to get a cure. I got into some deep, deep shit that I will not be sharing for your own safety. Point is, I became so obsessed with trying to heal Emily that I pushed her away. In turn, I pushed you and Lydia away. And for that I’m sorry.” He sniffled. “I’m so fucking sorry.” His voice cracked with his anger and sincerity.

Charles was somewhat shocked by the man’s apology and how he didn’t seem to have an ulterior motive. He was just… sorry.

“I’m here now to make up for my mistakes. I know I can’t get back that time. But I’m here for you and Lydia, and wanted to apologize for not being here when it really counted.”

“Lawrence, you messed up. Badly.” Charles paused, sighing. “But your heart was in the right place. Hell, even just coming here and apologizing shows me how you’ve grown.”

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, but-“

“I do.”

“I just- wait what?”

“I forgive you Lawrence.”

“Oh wow okay- I was not expecting that.”

“You meant well, and I know Emily wouldn’t want me to be mad at you forever.” Charles shrugged.

“Chuck I really want to hug you right now.”

With a laugh and a roll of his eyes, the taller man opened his arms to his brother in law, who launched into them. The two men embraced for a little bit before Charles tapped Beetlejuice’s back twice and he let go.

“I hope Lydia forgives me soon.”

“Was that not what that hug was about?”

“Eh not really. But she did say that she doesn’t want to be mad at me forever.”

“She’ll come around when she’s ready. She just recently came to terms with Emily’s death- not that it was an easy thing to do because trust me it wasn’t- but she’s mending and growing.” The man could’ve rolled his eyes at how much he sounded like Delia.

Beetlejuice nodded in understanding. He wanted Lydia to know he would be there for her, but would keep his distance if she wanted him to.

-

Time skip because I’m a delinquent

-

Beetlejuice made routine visits to the Deetz house. He didn’t know many other people in Winter River, and didn’t care to create connections in the small town. The only thing keeping him there was his family. When he wasn’t at the Deetz’s house, he was hiding out in the local motel. Sure, he would go out and explore every now and then, but he had no real drive to go out. Beetlejuice had gotten into the habit of laying low and was comfortable with the lifestyle. Plus, it’s not like he could go on with business as usual. He may have gotten out of everything, but that didn’t make him any less of a target than he was before. However, that doesn’t matter, as the man was more than content to lay low.

During one of Beetlejuice’s routine visits to the Deetz house, Lydia brought him to the roof. There they sat and talked for what felt like hours. She asked him about her mother, asking for stories of her. He smiled softly, a hint of sadness in his eyes, and launched into the story of Emily teaching him how to ride a bike. He kept to the lighthearted stories, despite the bittersweet taste they left in his mouth.

In between stories, Lydia spoke. Her words were quiet but meaningful. “I forgive you” she said simply, looking to her uncle for his reaction.

Beetlejuice smiled at the girl. “You don’t know how much that means to me.”

“I think I’m starting to.” She mirrored his smile. “Can you tell me just one more story?”

“Sure, kid.” He thought for a second before beginning another story, this one about the time they had secretly taken in a stray cat. It had to remain a secret as Juno did not approve of having pets.

He was describing their convoluted plan to keep the cat hidden from Juno when a car pulled into the neighbor’s driveway. He and Lydia both seemed to have been distracted by the vehicle. The girl waved at the man who got out of the car and he waved back- he also waved at Beej despite not knowing who he was. But Beej returned the wave out of general hospitality.

“Is Barbara home?” Lydia called to the man.

“Yeah.” He checked his watch. “She should just about be done with dinner if you want to ask Charles if you can come over.”

At that Beetlejuice’s brows furrowed. Why would a grown man invite a teenager to his house. Not that the bespectacled, plaid shirt and khaki wearing man seemed dangerous. But that didn’t make it less weird. Okay he did say to ask Charles, but unless Barbara was his teenage daughter he didn’t see any reason for Lydia to go to his house.

“Oh yes! I could definitely do without Delia’s cooking tonight.”

“She’s getting better, Lydia.” He said sincerely, almost reprimanding the teen for her comment.

“Yeah true. I’d rather (idk man some vegan food) than banana-carrot surprise.” She made a disgusted face at the memory of the casserole type dish.

“See!” The man laughed a little.

“I’ll be over in a few!”

“Would you like to bring your guest?” He asked, finally addressing Beetlejuice.

She turned to her uncle, “Wanna go?”

“Sure.” He shrugged, a protectiveness tightening his chest. He knew the man meant no harm, yet his ‘trust no one’ motto was strongly built into his mindset.

Lydia excitedly threw a thumbs up towards the man on the ground. “He’s coming with me.”

“Okay, I’ll see you two in a few.” The man smiled before heading inside.

Beetlejuice fully turned to Lydia, “Who was that?”

“Adam Maitland. He’s kinda been like a second father to me. Not that dad isn’t great, it’s just- when mom died we grew distant. Dad wanted to soldier up, and keep moving. I don’t blame him, but at the time it was hard. I was still mourning while he seemed to have moved on.” She twisted her hands together. “One day I did something I’d rather not talk about. And well, Adam and Barbara were there for me. I was sad a-and angry and scared and confused, but they just sat with me. They listened when I talked, they held me when I cried.” She shivered at the memory. “Adam and Barbara became second parents to me.”

Ah so Barbara was not his teenage daughter, but perhaps his wife.

“Well now I’m excited to meet them.” Beej smiled, standing up. He offered his hand to his niece and she grabbed it. He pulled her up effortlessly, yet still groaned as if she was super heavy. The two shared a laugh at his antics as they headed inside the house.

Unsurprisingly, Charles said yes to Lydia (and Beej) going to the Maitland’s house. So that’s where they headed.

-

Lydia knocked on the door, which was soon opened by the man from before. Adam.

Seeing him up close made Beetlejuice realize that he was… attractive? No, that’s inappropriate. The man has a wife, Beej reminded himself as he shook his hand and introduced himself.

They made it to the dining room, where Barbara emerged from the kitchen with a pan of lasagna. The woman was breathtaking, but Beetlejuice relented the thought.

She placed it in the middle of the table and took a seat. Adam sat next to her. Lydia sat across from Adam, leaving Beetlejuice to sit across from Barbara.

“Hi I’m Barbara Maitland.” She smiled, offering her hand as Adam began serving the food.

He shook her hand, “I’m Lydia’s uncle Lawrence, but you can call me Beetlejuice- or some variation of it. Everyone does.” He shrugged.

“Beetlejuice?” She raised an eyebrow, just as her husband had done,

“Like the constellation Betelgeuse, but most people just spell it phonetically. It’s uh- it’s my middle name.”

“That’s very interesting.” She smiled, tone sincere.

“How much would you like, Beetlejuice?” Adam asked, spatula over the pan in an estimated size.

“That much is fine.” He smiled, moving his plate toward the pan. Adam swiftly placed the lasagna on his plate before dishing some out to Barbara.

The group ate quietly for a while. Toward the end of their meal, Barbara spoke up.

“How was your day, Lydia?”

The girl looked up from her plate and to the woman. “It was pretty good- but it’s even better now.”

“Because you’re not eating Delia’s cooking?” The woman asked with a laugh.

“Bingo.” Lydia smiled.

“You’ve got to ease up on her, Lyds. You and I both know she’s trying and improving.”

“Yeah yeah.”

“I’ve actually been gathering vegan recipes for her, making her a personalized cookbook. Adam and I have tried out most of the recipes, and I think you’ll like them.”

“Well here’s hoping.” The girl smiled a bit, finishing up her lasagna.

Beetlejuice admired how the woman was going out of her way to help improve Delia’s cooking. Which will in turn help Lydia, who often complains about the woman’s food and asks her uncle to bring her something else to eat.

The group continued with the small talk and soon enough Lydia and Beetlejuice were walking out the door. They had been invited to stay longer, but Beej didn’t want to intrude and Lydia decided to just go along with her uncle.

But that certainly wasn’t the last time the duo would be visiting the Maitlands.

-

It had been a few weeks since Beej first went to the Maitlands house with Lydia. And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t think they were attractive. However, Beetlejuice wasn’t that daft. He knew they were married and knew not to impose. Sure, he once had a threesome with a married couple back in New York but that wouldn’t be happening here. Not only were Adam and Barbara clearly not the type for that kind of thing, but they were also far too close to Lydia for him to even begin considering acting on his attraction. Which was strictly that- attraction. No feelings- no strings attached. Just basic, hormonal attraction.

Beetlejuice shook the thought from his head, buttoning the last button of his shirt. He grabbed his coat and slung it over his shoulder before leaving to go to the Deetz’s house.

He was walking up the driveway when he was greeted by the neighbors. Adam held a pair of garden scissors in one hand, the other waving at the other man. Beetlejuice waved back. Barbara smiled at the man and called out a hello. He returned the

-

-

and hey? that’s where it ends. very abrupt ik, but that’s where past me stopped

[beetlelands]

Barbara: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops!

Adam: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints-

Barbara, shouting: We're getting married!!

Adam: Alright

[beetlelands]

Is it ok to make fanart of this concept? Its so good! 🤗👍

omg yes. pls tag me if you do bc i would love to see it!!

[beetlelands]

Delia: My fiancé is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Beetlejuice: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kill him.

Adam: Tackle him.

Lydia: Dump him.

Barbara: Kick him in the shin.

Charles: NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

[beetlelands]

Beetlejuice, giving Lydia a present: Happy friendship anniversary, Lyds. I got you a little something.

Lydia: Is it a cure for syphilis?

Beetlejuice: I... oh.

Lydia: Then I don’t want it! [grabs the present and throws it on the ground. it opens and spiders rush out, crawling all over her]

Beetlejuice, having teleported to the other side of the window: I’m sorry, it was spiders.

[beetlelands]

Beetlelands fics you say???? 👀👀👀👀👀

okay so update: i’m a bit of a liar. shouldve said i had “like 6 beetlejuice fics” instead of beetlelands fics.

i checked my docs and it looks like i’ve only actually got 2 beetlelands fics and i didnt even get to the beetlelands in either of them bc i stopped writing them so early on 😭😭 but the other drafts are more just general beetlejuice (but mainly maitlands) fics

[beetlelands]

Lydia: Time sensitive question— how flirt girl?

Beetlejuice: Throw rocks at she

BJ clone 1, appearing on the couch: Hot dogs

BJ clone 2, sliding down the stair railing: Kill her!

Lydia, facepalming: Thanks guys

[beetlelands]

Lydia: How do you rate your pain?

Beetlejuice: Zero stars.

Lydia:

Beetlejuice: Would not recommended.

[beetlelands]

Adam: We’re not mad, we just want to know why you would need a fake ID.

Lydia: [incoherent rambling]

Barbara: Speak up, Lydia.

Lydia: You need to be over eighteen to hold the puppies at Petco

[beetlelands]

Lydia: You know that compulsion to hit your sibling that you get whenever they walk into your room? Like they come in and you go “whoops looks like I gotta end you”

Beetlejuice: Ah yes, the Cain instinct

Barbara: The what!?

[beetlelands]

Charles: When I first met you, I did not like you.

Beetlejuice: I’m aware.

Charles: But then you and I had some time together.

Beetlejuice: Uh huh...

Charles: You did not get better.

[beetlelands]

Lydia: *internal screaming*

Beetlejuice: *external screaming*

[beetlelands]

Beetlejuice: Do you like my outfit?

Barbara: Not as much as I like what’s underneath it.

Beej: B-Babs!

Barbara: No, I need your chair. Get up.

[ziggstheenby-2]

Turns out I drew a lot of these

Many, Many Fandoms

Aaaaand another one (Lydia’s in the background Reading the Hand for the Recently Deceased and Adam’s flipping the pages)

[beetlelands]

Charles: Hey Beetlejuice, look at me.

Charles: [dabs]

Beetlejuice: WHA-

Charles: No one will ever believe you if you told them I did that.

[ziggstheenby-2]

Hehe I drew this once

Many, Many Fandoms

And I drew another tumblr post