^3^

tw they/them online diary

[beetlenightmare]

im so tired of waiting for you. i never change. i chase after people who dont need or want me and they never do. please just, tell me im good enough please tell me im pretty please tell me im worth your time please just please please please please

[beetlenightmare]

im sorry. im sorry for being impulsive and self destructive sometimes. im sorry my episodes scare you. im sorry you worry because i dont eat enough. im sorry you dont know how to help me. im sorry i always need validation. im sorry i want to hurt myself. im sorry for being so clingy. im sorry for having trust issues. im sorry for flinching when you try and touch me. im just sorry. if i could be a different person i would. and im sure you would want that too.

[beetlenightmare]

maybe if i was in a 6 sided box 6 feet under in the cold dark earth i would stop bothering you. a weight would be lifted off your slender shoulders and tucked away into a small coffin were the plants go to grow and the worms go to dig

[beetlenightmare]

is it the way i look? is it my personality? i dont know. i wish i knew the answer to why im not good enough for you or for anyone. maybe i really am just a gross worthless person who deserves everything that comes to me

[beetlenightmare]

why is it that i only attract people who ignore me. everyone always fucking ignores me. maybe i should just cut everyone off. having no friends is better than being ignored for days and days by the people who are supposed to care the most

[beetlenightmare]

recently there was an ice storm in my town. in the morning all of the plants and trees were coated in a thin layer of ice. a protective shell made out of cold glass. as i walked around i became envious of the iridescent glassy trees. i want to be encased in ice. not dead, just frozen, and safe.

[beetlenightmare]

love without abuse is a foreign concept to me. maybe its because i attract people who want to consciously or subconsciously hurt me but i seemingly cant love someone without them abusing me in some way. am i not good enough? do i not deserve healthy relationships? i dont know. i really dont

[beetlenightmare]

sometimes i wonder what comes to mind when you hear my name. i hope its good. i hope its better than what i think of myself

[beetlenightmare]

i remember we used to walk around the neighborhood, i was really little back then. still so innocent. you wanted to protect me so bad. whenever i found a pretty flower i would give it you and you would lovingly tuck it behind your ear. all of those flowers are long dead by now. rotting into the ground as mother nature takes back what was hers. you were supposed to protect me, but out of everyone, you hurt me the most.

[beetlenightmare]

for some reason being around you makes me feel more alone than when im by myself

[beetlenightmare]

im slowly becoming a background character in all my friends lives, maybe its because im boring and dont make an effort to talk to anyone. but now its too late and the people i love the most want me gone :)

[beetlenightmare]

if i’m supposed to hate you for everything you did to me why do i miss you so much

[beetlenightmare]

if i was your pure little angel then why did your words and touches make me dirty and ruined

[beetlenightmare]

i feel like a ghost. aimlessly floating around just existing. not living, just existing. i desperately want to leave. i hate my body i hate my life and i would rather die then have to pretend everything is okay.

[beetlenightmare]

you keep hurting me and i don’t know what i’m doing wrong. i want to be good enough but i don’t know how. i want to be pretty enough but i’m not. just tell me if you don’t want me because i can’t keep doing this

[beetlenightmare]

you took my innocence. you covered my lacy socks with mud. you laughed at my tears and broke me. fuck you