Beghairat Aurat

Not anonymous anymore.

[beghairataurat]

Ae Zindagi, itni naraaz kyun ho?

Aaj kal raat bhar jaga ke rulati ho, kabhi kabhi din bhar satati ho. Aise kya kiya hai maine? Tum mujhse itni khafa kyun ho?

Aaj kal duniya kitni anjaani si lagti hai, dil har do minute pe toot ta rehta, hausla buland karna hai kehtey kehtey saal beet gaye aur woh abhi bhi bikhra pada hai. 

Gum sum se rehti ho aaj kal. Maine koi galti ki kya? Sab toh tumharey hisaab se karney ki koshish ki thi maine. Agar ki hai to maaf kardo, tumhara khaalipan bardash nahi hota hai aaj kal. Main bahot koshish karti houn tumharey virane main khush rehne ki magar aasoun nahi samjhtey mere. Kya karoun? Meri rooh hi kaap uth thi hai is khaalipan ko mehsoos karke. Woh toh sehmi sehmi bhaiti rehti hai aaj kal. Use lagta hai tum kabhi wapis nahi aaogi. Aisa nahi hai na? Itni khaafa toh nahi ho na tum? Mat ho na, warna yeh saasein kaat khayengi mujhey. 

Der ho gayi hai. Aaj phir main aur meri nam aankhein adhouri neend lengi. Subah main tumhara intezar rahega. Gile shikwey maaf karo. Ab aur kitni saza dogi?

Allah Hafiz. 

[beghairataurat]

A sense of despair?

It is such a tough time to be alive. Every day we have to push against a torrent of emotion that only seems to be negative. And now is not the time to wish things were different but I wish things were different and I wish it wasn’t so hard. I wish we loved and you cared and I wish I mattered more than anything else. But I don’t. I don’t matter. 

[beghairataurat]

Loneliness is better than pain.

A stolen line from a Kdrama.

[beghairataurat]

Not belonging

Once it sinks in, I don't think there is anything that can be done. The feeling of not belonging. I don't belong anywhere ir to anyone anymore. I always assumed it would free yet now it just breaks me up a little more.

[beghairataurat]

I don't know everything. Sometimes love surprises us. It surprised me.

[beghairataurat]

I never sent you the love songs. I listen to so many of them and I was certain those songs will outrun our love.

[beghairataurat]

Now I know

You know growing up there were so many versions of love was available but as it always happens, I clung to you. You were all I needed, I think. I spent hours looking at you, the way your long hair fell all the way to your waist, every time you laughed and I laughed too. I remember you caring, I remember you shopping till we all couldn’t walk anymore. I remember you insisting on things for me, I remember all the days you cried. When I was young I counted all the times you cried and I hated all the people who made you cry. I disliked your mother because she always made you cry. I always got angry at her.  How can a mother make her daughter cry so much?

Yesterday you asked your 23-year-old daughter why she just doesn’t die? You screamed at her for being fat, for being worthless, for being a disgrace. You told her you hated her. 

 Now I know. 

[beghairataurat]

Maybe we don’t make sense anymore

I read this line and the first thing I thought of was you. Maybe we don’t make sense anymore. Whatever we were, whatever we are, maybe we are not for each other anymore. You are so far and I think I have lost you. I think you have lost me too. And its terribly sad because I still love you. I still love you so much. But phone calls sound awkward now, text is an escape where we hide our true selves. We barely video call, do you remember my face? I spent countless hours looking at my photo and now I don’t care about them. 

I am falling apart from the thought of it but maybe we don’t make sense anymore. You don’t love me. I don’t love you. We love versions of each other that doesn’t exist anymore. 

Fuck you though. Fuck you for getting me here. 

[beghairataurat]

Today

Today was good. It was kind. It made me laugh. It made me think happy thoughts. It made me think that it's all doable. It made the food taste better, and the same view beautiful. It brought me peace and calm and as I watch the sun go down I can't help but cry. I'll miss today, as simple as it was.

What if tomorrow is how it was yesterday? What if the light is harsher and the words hurt and I spiral and suddenly it's all a bit too much and I find myself waiting for another today?

I'll miss today. And I'll miss the sun.

[beghairataurat]

Not of Heartbreak?

You know how sunny it is outside? And you know how warm the breeze is? I have hated Summers for so long, I can't remember the last time I smiled at the idea of it. Being madly and deeply in love with winters never actually meant that it has been kind to me. It just had less power to hurt me. But today, the hint of summer is making me smile.

I am smiling these days at the silliest thing, the trees feel greener, my pictures are brighter. I kiss the breeze as if it was meant just for me. And these days, I don't feel like I am gasping for breath anymore. They come easy.

Sapne dekhna fir se shuru kardiya Dil ne Mera. Toota tha yeh pata nahi, judne ke liye taiyyar hai, yeh pata hai.

[beghairataurat]

Back in time

Some days it just feels like I am back there again. That all the talking and change of perspective and antidepressants and healing and crying was in vain and suddenly I am back in the moment when everything feels terrible, when I am constantly comparing myself to others, to you, and I think of how stupid I have been and the regret is so overwhelming that all I want is to cease to exist, as if it is fair that for a year of failure I give up on 22 of success, as if it is fair to expect fair weather in a world going through climate change. Nothing is fine with anyone and yet everything is fine with everyone. It’s just a story, and I’ll have to wait for the chapter to end. 

[beghairataurat]

It’s been a minute

It’s been a minute since you last texted me, a minute since you last held my hand. It’s been a minute since you last held me in your arms, a minute since I reminded you this might be the last time we’ll see each other and you hug tighter, having never truly learnt the art of letting go. I am glad you didn’t. 

It’s been a minute since we proclaimed that we love each other, as much as one could love the center of their universe. It’s been a minute since it felt like a lie. It’s been a minute since I saw you disappear, hoping you’ll reappear, heartbreaks and difficult breaths. 

The calendar says its been a year, my friends think it has been a few months, my recently deleted folder says maybe a few weeks but my heart says it’s been a minute since you left me.

I wish I never have to relive this minute again.  

[beghairataurat]

It's weird again

We spend hours laughing and giggling and talking about the strangest thing and then we spend the day glowing and happy and there are some I miss yous and I love yous and I wake up smiling

But then, few hours later, it's weird again. Smiling is an effort, jokes fall flat, things are tougher.

Do we wait for it to work again?

[beghairataurat]

Maybe in a little while

I convince myself. One more minute. One more hour. One more day. Maybe just this one week. I have been whispering to myself these timelines for the past one year and one month. I don't understand how someone can still be on my mind even when all half of me wants to do is push it away. How can one part of me be so persuasive that it's been months and I still think of you, one more day.

I spent days begging myself to stop hurting, for there is nothing that hurts me. You don't hurt me. I just hurt, as if there is nothing else in life apart from feeling anguish this separation has cost. As if a day, a week, a month or even a year will make this all okay.

It's time to let go, isn't it? Maybe in a little while.

[beghairataurat]

Things I learnt this year

Loving someone is deeply selfish. 

[beghairataurat]

Goodbye?

Listen, it’s been endless crying and curling over and broken hearts and phone calls where I am almost always sobbing. I do not remember the last time I laughed with you. I don’t think anything about us is funny anymore, unfortunately. Initially, at least our misery was funny. And can I be even more honest? My journal has been blank for days and so has been my mind. Our pain filled with random bouts of love does not even inspire me to create anymore. You no longer serve the purpose of my muse. And really if that’s not there anymore then what is left? Certainly nothing of you. 

You left a long time back. I am finally couriering back these pieces you left behind and a goodbye. It’s been fucking painful and I have had my fill.

[beghairataurat]

Moving on

What does moving on feels like? It feels like being stuck in traffic. It feels like being stuck inside a bus full of people. It feels like a bus full of people stuck in traffic. It feels as if you cannot, should not, breathe. It leaves you feeling hate towards everything around you but mostly towards you. It leaves you falling every time it lurches because when you are moving on, every movement will cause you to fall. Some falls will leave your heart crushed. 

But, you know, all traffic clears. And you eventually get off the bus. Moving on feels endless but like everything else in life, it’ll too shall end.