obviously she isn't wrong about that not being why, but spencer is still holding his cards close to his chest, showing her a peak but not giving her the full spread of his thoughts. it feels dangerous to reveal them, even with one of her own laid down on the table, bare to him. she had a crush on him. past tense, then? not now, not now that she has a boyfriend? and yet, her boyfriend remains quietened on a switched off phone. a non issue. this has to be about them. "it wasn't obvious? i haven't... acted like myself. i know i wasn't nice to him, he's an idiot but he's not that much of an idiot. think maybe he could see through it, a little..." his frown is directed at the floor for a moment, then at her feet and as his gaze lifts to hers again and his name falls from her lips, he reaches for it with two hands. he needs to stay present, not drift off with the maybes and memories that sit behind them. his shoulders slump and he swallows the lump that's formed in his throat. the truth. surely that much he can offer her, can't he? dark brows knit together and the look on her face makes his heart ache in his chest. "the last thing i wanted was to be disconnected from you, lola. i really mean that, you're like... you're my favourite person in the world. and it wasn't really about him, not when i'm completely honest about it. i don't like him, i can't lie about that, but i think..." he paused for a moment, breath catching in his throat before he was able to force the words out, though they came out softer, almost pitiful. "i guess i just couldn't deal with it, that it was him and not me." as soon as he'd put the words out there, spencer feels himself wanting to take them back, lips parting as he tries to find his bearings. she said she had a crush on him. had. "i'm sorry."