I haven't been on tumblr in over two months. Perhaps because so much is different, and I feel so changed, the old platform to express seems outdated and wrong. This was where I came before he even existed in my world, and then after he crushed it. && though there was a time, that I look bemused upon, when I thought that nothing would cure that hurt or mend my heart there's today, there's the last three days. There's Friday, when he - my new he, my kinder, gentler, more sincere he - told me he loved me (albeit drunk as fuck!) there's Saturday when I cooked him this fresh from scratch dinner and he set up my porch so that we could eat outside by candlelight and the skyline of the city behind us, there's Saturday when we fought, badly, almost broke up because of him. Because of how scared he is to lose me he says. A fear no one's ever really had before. No one, not even him ever really felt like I was something worth loosing, much like you can lose a penny && never think twice about it. But he, he doesn't see me like an old penny. When he looks me he sees... something worth treasuring. We spent three days pretending like the rest of the world didn't exist, it was like being on vacation because it was just the two of us for three days, and it was amazing. I wasn't tired of seeing him this morning, and in fact, the thought that tonight I have to go to bed not in his arms, gives me like this weird pit in my stomach. I love him, I love him so overwhelmingly I know I've never felt like this before. I love him so much I now know I never really loved him, at least not really. It was a crush, an infatuation at best. But God, when I'm with Bobby.... well, fuck! When I am with him there's no place I'd rather be. Except if that's true then why am I still... why the self sabotage move? Why can't I just let myself be happy? Why can't I just embrace this moment and the smile in my face, the butterflies in my stomach? What if my fear that we’re just not right, this fear that I’ve been trying to hide from and outrun, is valid? What if I'm staying because no one has ever been this nice to me? What if I'm staying, just falling more and more in love with a man that isn’t my forever, because I'm scared no one will ever love me again? Like this is my one shot… What if the only thing more terrifying that he isn’t my forever is that he is? I honestly, don’t even know which heartbreaking scenario I prefer at this point… Either way, I feel like I am setting myself up to get very, very, very hurt. But when I'm with him… fuck it, if I just don’t care anymore. Like yeah, maybe I’ll end up heartbroken trying to snort my Percocet again, and maybe it’ll all be worth it to feel like this. To feel… loved.
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
