Neidyn Jazmine @bellaspalabras - Tumblr Blog

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I'm the person who doesn't get invited. I'm the person who gets invited at the last moment because people feel obligated to. I'm the person who people expect to see failure. I'm the person who people can live without. Im the person whose hard to love. I'm the person whose hard to be around. I'm the person people stop reaching out to. I'm the person who people will make a poor excuse to never be around me again. I'm the person who get accused of things I didn't do. I'm the person that gets their words mixed up. I'm the person who people need just for my talents. I'm the runt of the friend group. I'm the person who gets left behind.

An Ode to Brandon

Brandon Lee Wesley.

Oh how heavy is my heart today. Many of you reading this may be thinking “Did she even know Brandon?” I did. He had a huge place in my heart all three years of middle school. In high school, we were still friends. Distant friends, but still friends. After high school, we went our different ways. As everyone did. But I did run into him, a few times after high school. “Hey Neidyn! how you been?” With his big ol’ smile. Whenever I did see him, things never changed. Late in the evening on January 19, 2016. I received a miss call from a friend from high school. I was a little confused as to why she would call me so late in the evening, but when I called her back and she asked me if I knew what happened, my heart sank and the tears started overflowing my eyes. Brandon Wesley passed away. In that moment, I thought about the last time I spent time with him. We went out to lunch one afternoon, when we had a break from classes at Westchester Community College. Him, a friend of mine he had JUST met, and I went out to lunch. When we both ordered our meals, Brandon stepped in front of us and paid. In that moment I received this horrible news. I remembered how selfless he was. I remembered all the times, I spent with him... they were all moments of laughter. I remembered how seeing him, was ALWAYS a moment of joy, happiness, laughter and peace. In that moment, I prayed for his family, and his closest friends. Then days passed, weeks passed, months passed, and I was still shaken, by the fact that the first person I knew from childhood had passed away. It’s been one whole year since Brandon’s passing, and the town of Mamaroneck still feels heavy hearted, and we still cannot believe this loss. He touched many people with his kind heart, and he will never be forgotten. Mamaroneck misses you daily Bwes, and thank you for looking out for the ones you love. #longlivebwes

I’ve been feeling a little discouraged about myself lately. Actually not my whole self, just my hair. My hair.... Yea. I went to get my hair done for New years eve, by my stylist Danielle who colors my hair. She blew it out and it looked absolutely stunning. It was long and full and beautiful. It moved easily and it did what I wanted it to do, when I wanted it to do it. I did the cutest hair styles with it. My hair color was stunning, everything was just so beautiful about it. After a few days it was time to wash it. I was a little sad. Who am I kidding I was very sad. So I washed it and it was curly again. Hair that doesn’t move. Hair that you can’t do cute hair styles with. Hair that you can’t really tell how rich the color is. Hair that shrinks so it looks short. But, my hair was frizzy. The curls were not beautiful. They were frizzy and dull and dead. I have a friend who has BEAUTIFUL curly hair like when I say beautiful, I mean GORGEOUS. She is also gorgeous. Her best friend has gorgeous curly hair as well. I have hair that literally looks like poop. For about 4 years and a little bit of months. I’ve stopped straightening my hair as often. I stopped adding treatment in it that made it permanently straight. I used curly hair products to make the curls come out more. I’ve gotten curly hair, hair cuts. I’ve used sulfate free products. I’ve done everything in my power. Spend an outrageous amount of money on products and my hair literally looks like crap. I haven’t felt this way about my hair in a very long time. But I really dislike my hair right now, and it’s making me feel very ugly.

makeupnerd-blog

Must Have Eye Brushes

Mac 224 This is the perfect brush for blending out any shadow. I love using this brush to apply my transition shades and crease colors. I feel like this is the one brush that everyone needs. This brush makes blending super easy and hassle free.

Mac 217 I like this brush to apply a deeper shade into my outer v and crease. This brush is the perfect size and shape to work shadows into these places while blending them out too.

Mac 242 This is hands down the best flat shader brush I have ever tried. With this brush I do not have to worry about spraying MAC Fix Plus on my brush to get my shimmer shadows more intense because it applies them so densely. This is the only brush I use now to apply shimmery shadows on my lid.

It goes something like this...

I am a VERY NICE person, but once someone oversteps their boundaries, I become not nice AT ALL. I know this person who told me that I love too much, and recently (like a few months ago) she told me, it wasn’t such a bad thing to love too much. I am starting to think it might be. I am starting to think, it could be bad thing. I open up my heart to people, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. My heart doesn’t get broken only by boys, but also by girls. Mostly by girls. I let people into the most vulnerable parts of my heart. I share with them how I’m feeling about certain things in my life. I share with them, my dreams, and my fears. I share with them what makes me sad and what makes me happy. I share with them, how I feel about other people. And, when they take that and turn around and stab me in the back and accuse me of things that aren’t true, or disrespect me or the ones I love. Why wouldn’t I shut down and defend myself. Why would I be kind? Why would I be nice? Why would I be respectable? There is no need. The older I get, I have realized two things. One, not everyone will like you and also Two, not everyone is going to be your friend. Quite frankly, I don’t care who likes me and who doesn’t. But if you don’t like me why should I be nice to you? This also goes into how, I don’t like when people don’t take ownership of their wrongdoings. It takes me a lot to apologize, however I eventually apologize. That is one of the qualities that aren’t to great about me. However, I will never ever, point fingers on someone else, when I clearly know that I did something wrong. Playing the victim is one of my greatest pet peeves. I have a fault too.. I say things are okay when they clearly aren’t. However, I try my very best to just be cordial. It may comes off as “fake” or being a “phony” but I am not trying to be either. Just trying to set water to the fire, because, I just don’t like or want drama. So cordial. Cordial because someone maybe be apart of my everyday life. Cordial, because we’ve had conflict in the past and have constantly tried to settle it, but obviously it doesn’t work. Cordial, because there is this obvious animosity. Cordial, because we aren’t friends, but just trying to keep peace. Cordial. I will not fight for a peace that will not ever be there, I will not respect when I am disrespected, I will not treat one, how they want to be treated because they feel entitled. I will do onto others as they do onto me. I know my faults. I know my flaws. I know my imperfections. I know my wrongdoings.

And so in 2017. I will walk with my head held high, and will push those out of the way who are not adding value into my life. I will remove those who are constantly providing stress to my being. I will not look at people who dare bring me and my aspirations down. Instead I will rise with those, who add value. I will rise with those, who are educated. I will rise with those, who believe in me. I will rise with those, who will support me. I will rise with those, who will stand beside me in my moments of weakness, and in my moments of strength. I will rise with those, who want to see me grow. I will rise with those, who will rise with me. Because I deserve nothing less of that. I know who I am, and this year will not be a year for me to invest in those who do not want to be invested in. In fact this will be a year to invest in myself. In my career. In my family. In my friendships. In my relationship. In my walk with God. This will be a year where I will rise alone or with a community of people who will rise along side of me. I am an adult now, and it’s about time I start acting like so, and the people I surround myself should be acting like so. This is a writing for myself, and for those who feel a need of empowerment. If you read this and feel it is negatively targeted at you... then obviously this isn’t for someone like you and for that you have wasted your time reading this. I am trying to build a community where, I am surrounded by people who lift each other up, instead of bring people down. Yes, we are 10 days into the new year, but I am beginning today. WHO IS WITH ME.

“Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells, pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I Rise.

~Maya Angelou

12-28-2016

As 2016 is ending, I’m reflecting on my life. How quickly this year went, what I’ve accomplished, what I have learned and how I’ve grown. I am thinking about what I should expect for myself in 2017. Do I need to reevaluate my friendships? Should I change the way I view life? What should I do to get to where I need to be.. what will make me a better person, in the year to come. Around this time of year should be the happiest. It’s the holiday season. Christmas just passed and New Years is quickly approaching. This is a season where everyone has a chance to start again, start a fresh slate. Be a new person. Finish what they have started. Close a chapter. Move on. But I am having a hard time finding joy during this season. No one (but my boyfriend) knows whats really truly is eating my heart away. What is currently bringing me such sadness that I cannot mentally move past to the happier part of this time of year. At this point, you maybe wondering “ugh how dramatic is she?” because I get told that ALL the time. You may also be wondering, “oh what a cry for attention”, and that’s not it either. Anyhow, I do want to speak about it, I do, but no one would understand... or it won’t be such a big deal to them because it isn’t anyone else’s pain, but my own. And through this experience, I wonder... Am I the kind of person who deserves to be dealing with this. Perhaps. And maybe, this is a lesson for me... watch your back. A simple lesson, yes. But I think, it’s a lesson the world is always trying to teach me, but I am too naive to understand that you cannot trust absolutely everyone. Surprisingly, throughout all this, I feel like I’ve done wrong and it’s my fault this occurrence has been occurring. Maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t and perhaps... I won’t have the answers because I will never have the courage to bring it up. Hopefully with time, it will go away, and my heart won’t hurt so bad. Hopefully, I won’t have to carry this weight into the new year with me. At least, I am thankful that at least someone who is super important to me listens. But, for now, I’ll be dancing at my own pity party.

What makes someone want to be around you? I constantly wonder this. Am I someone people like to be around? I mean my mom says I am... but I think LOL, well she's my mom. My dad says I bring light to a room, but I mean well... he's my dad. My boyfriend says I'm a big ball of fun, he's my boyfriend. I personally think no. I think that I can bring people together, but as far as being around me and spending time with me willingly, I think no. Is that sad? Perhaps... But I want to be that person people want to be around, willingly, but I guess it's too late for that now.

I took a break from Twitter and Instagram and turned off my notifications on snapchat. The only reason why I left snapchat was because of my 400 and something days worth of streaks I have with my aunt. It would be quiet the terror if I let that slip away. But it's been two weeks since I've been on twitter or Instagram or snapchat really. It's been freeing. Not really knowing what's going on with the other world, not feeling left out when your friends do things without you, not feeling alone when everyone is gathering together without you. More importantly not feeling controlled by these applications. A few of my friends have asked me why did I do it? Simply for the fact that I was getting angry, when I was being left out of things and also because I didn't care nor did I want to see what people were bragging about. I just needed a break. I need to fall off the grid for just a few weeks. Collect myself and be strong again and not allow these applications have a hold on my life. These two weeks have been good. I've been having more conversations and not being so consumed with my phone! I'm getting things done MUCH faster, and my phones battery now lasts the ENTIRE day without dying. What a miracle. I guess it isn't the sucky battery the iPhone brings it's just all our apps that are open that drain it. I don't miss social media, not one bit. But I'll be back, with time just because I am an aspiring makeup artist and I need ideas to be creative and all the makeup gurus are connected to social media. But I don't miss it, living life with my nose not in my phone is so beautiful.

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Garlic Butter Brazilian Steak

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GARLIC BUTTER PIZZA PULL APART BREAD

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Red Pepper Sauce Pasta with Spinach and Feta

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I told myself I would write here more often because people actually like to read what I write... weird. I never would have thought that my thoughts and beliefs people would actually enjoy reading. I wish I knew what people were thinking when they read my thoughts. Wow this girl is interesting.. This girl is totally weird.. this girl is most definitely whacked out. welll.... I am pretty whacked. Totally joking, maybe joking only a little. Anyway! Off track here. I told myself I would write here more often, but every time I make it here, I am at a lost for words. What do I write about? How do I say it? What if that is too deep? What if it isn’t deep enough? But then, I write, and I write until all I could hear are the keyboards starting to click away. That is honestly by far my favorite sound. I find myself writing about things that I think should be right and I start writing about how the inner parts of my heart feels. I write for myself, but I do hope that whoever reads feels touched, and that they feel my heart in these words. I hope that whoever does read gets moved by the sentences and they feel empowered and strong. When I write, I feel empowered, strong and most importantly free. Free? you may ask. Yes, free. Free because writing just allows for you to release the most deepest parts of your heart. Writing takes you into places of your mind you may not think you can reach. Writing takes you into points of your feelings you didn’t even know you were feeling or even could feel again. I started not really sure what I was going to write about, and here I am writing about writing. Like I said before... Writing is good for the soul.

#writing freewriting lovewriting

Twenty (Part Six)

I found myself, I lost myself, I found myself again.

Twenty... Has been quiet the ride. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve traveled. I’ve lived. I’ve loved and been loved. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been betrayed. I’ve learned about myself, and reached depths in my heart that I hadn’t reached before. I have build a strength within myself that I did not know I had. I have learned to be patient, and I have learned that there is no rush for life. I’ve learned to live for today and not tomorrow. I’ve learned not everyone you speak to is a friend. I’ve met some very interesting people along this journey, all who have molded me and prepared me to be stronger than ever at 21. Do I regret meeting any of them? never. Thank you. My time at twenty is coming to an end and in 66 days this version of me will be gone forever.

Twenty... you have been quiet the ride.

I want to write, i really truly do. However my brain is in a lot of mumble jumble. I have a lot to say, but I don’t know how to say it! argh!

yesdarlingido

hi girls, this is what i want for you when you are open to getting into a relationship with a guy. i want you to set the lame boys free. i want you to not be afraid of singleness. i want you to build powerfully fulfilling friendships. i want you to see right through the nonsense so you don’t waste a single minute with a lame guy that thinks you should feel honored to have a chance with him. i want you to stop being magnetized to the needy whiney boys as well as the self-absorbed ones. i want you to not put up with emotional whip-lash. what’s so strange about girls getting called “moody” or “crazy’ is that it’s usually after the girl gets fed up with the guy not knowing how to communicate, not being honest about who he is or what he wants, and doing that lame up-and-down of whining when he feels neglected and then acting like you’re clingy as soon as you give him your attention. when you’re ready to be in a relationship, look for your equal. you don’t need to be someone’s mama. you don’t need to rearrange yourself to fit into anyone’s life. compromise comes after commitment, not before, and you don’t need to commit your awesome self to anyone who critiques anything about you. no guy has any business giving a review of who you are. if he doesn’t like who you are, then he shouldn’t still be hanging around. if a boy ever makes you feel insecure, uninteresting, or over the top, tell him bye. there’s a difference between being picky and having standards for yourself. this is what i want for you–to learn and value yourself, to share moments with people who are kind and make you feel safe and appreciated, to explore the topics and places that make you feel passionate and purposeful about living, and to not waste your time with any lame boy because you fall into the misconception that having a potential love interest is the key to happiness, or that it’s better to have some mediocre guy rather than no guy. learn yourself so you can trust yourself so you can love yourself by knowing what you want and knowing when someone isn’t a good fit for the kind of life and love you want and deserve to cultivate. the kind of partnership you deserve has no business letting lame guys overstay their welcome when there are so many wonderful, loving men out there that want the same simple, beautiful partnership that you do. let the lame boys go so they can mature and figure out who they are so they can become more emotionally secure and mentally available. you can be gracious and realize that they’re still figuring it out, but that doesn’t mean you need to keep them around while they do. no more whip-lash, no more games, no more boring, confusing, frustrating flings. that’s what i want for you.

jeuneoiseau

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