cw: depression talk. this is purple talking to themself
I don’t know when it started.
Not really, I don’t. Maybe since when I was just some teen it did.
Well, I’m an adult now. It’s just gotten worse.
People had told me out through my childhood that it gets better. That it’s darkest before the sun rises. For years they have—and I’m losing my sense of trust in those statements. I haven’t seen the sun for so long that I’ve lost count.
I’ve grown adjusted to this mindset, I suppose. Being stuck in this same cycle over and over. Wake up, watch the cameras, occasionally get scolded by someone, and eventually just pass out. I’ve grown used to getting scolded as well. It feels like I just can’t please people sometimes.
It’s either they want me to be one way or another. When I finally fit myself in that box for them, they suddenly just expect me to immediately be in another, or tell me that somehow I still didn’t do it right. It gets to my head. They make it easy to believe that I just don’t do it right.
They’re probably right on that. I don’t know why I care about what they say. I guess something cursed me to be like this, and to be stuck here. This hole has been dug so deep, and I don’t think I’m getting out of it. It gets deeper each day, and I’ve given up on trying to claw my way out of it.
…I don’t even know if I want help anymore.
I remember when you were kinder.
Or, well, you’ve always been like this. Self-serving. Blind. You just had a better choice of words back then.
I know it would’ve ended here all the same, but I miss it. I miss the old you. The you that would say we’re both equals, you know? I don’t know if you miss that person. Maybe you don’t. You probably don’t miss the old me.
I don’t think I’m a person to you now. Sometimes I wish I could switch bodies with you, be you for a day. Maybe I would understand then. I would understand how easy it is to blindly follow and push friendships aside like they didn’t mean anything. Maybe you’d understand how it felt for me.
I miss being your friend, but I can’t handle who you are now. I miss just being two young people, the both of us, and being unaware of how bad the world gets. I’ve always been like this, I know I have, but I misjudged how dark it really was.
You gave me some of that light back then. Like some sort of false-god, you led me on. You made me believe I could trust you. That you’d stay no matter what. A part of me wants to forgive you and blindly follow you again. But I can’t do that to myself again. I deserve something better.
…I’m thinking too hard right now. Talking to myself.
> Purple plants their face into their hands.
titsay
romaincrisis
yousharknotpass
