sweet disaster

benjamin 'benji' hastings owner — electric lettuce bayview resident 35 years old father to connor annie's trophy husband

[annelim]

Annie watched Benji, ever abuzz with a hum of energy, his eyes full of light, and she felt the familiar flutter in her stomach, the warmth coursing through her body. She still—probably more so, now—had an embarrassingly overwhelming crush on him. Grinning stupidly, she finally chimed, "Oh! It's literally just, like, a dozen burritos. I was gonna call and take orders, but then I wanted it to be a surprise, but then I didn't know what everyone liked, so I just...got one of every kind on the menu. I have to be the coolest and most fun wife of anyone here. It's an imperative."

Eyeing Charlie warily as she contemplated Benji's offer, Annie's smile faltered only slightly, but she quickly decided that, logically, Charlie was likely the happiest she was ever going to be, and her grin gamely returned. "I would love to come in," she nodded eagerly. "I can tell everyone about the insane amounts of s-e-x we have, definitely. For sure. I would be thrilled to do that." Annie whisked her hair away from her face dramatically, as if slipping into a role. "Wait—no one here has a baby, right? Like, no one's gonna know any better that it's, like, Frankenstein's monster under all this?"

[benjamin-hastings]

"You really are my dream girl." Benji stated with warmth, "And you're definitely the entire staff's dream girl too. It's also probably for the best, can't ever give them too many options. They're all existentialists who are cannabis enthusiasts... It's not a good mix when you pass around a lunch menu." Benji gently rubbed Charlie's back, relieved to feel her body relax as she'd adjusted to her new environment. This is how it had been long after the six-week mark, a baby between them. And that wasn't a complaint by any stretch — simply an observation of their reality, a new reality.

"I personally think you're keepin', it, like, real tight under there. That c-section scar is no match to a little Aveeno and some deep tissue massage." Benji replied sagely. "It's definitely nothing compared to the personal Vietnam Katie went through giving birth. They gave her one of those, y'know, the Ecclesiastes, where they cut you from your v to your p? Yeah. Just sheered her taint right off. It was just one big hole. Type of shit you just can't look away from. Connor's head was too big! Luckily, this big-headed b-word came out of your belly button instead. Saved you a whole different kind of trauma." He bristled briefly at the memory, but quickly rebounded and regained his composure. "I do understand that they could have put your organs back in the wrong spot. I swear I heard your heart beating on the wrong side the other day. Who's to say!"

[annelim]

By the time Annie had entered Connor's life, Benji and Katie had largely done the hardest parts, and Annie got to—and still was—reaping the spoils. With Connor, Annie had always been mindful of her role, of overstepping. She was an addition to Connor's team, although an arguably extraneous one. She was an ally and partner to Benji as he raised his son, but never more so than Connor's mother.

Charlie, then, had added a new element to the team. A piece of Annie, splintered from her, existing as an extension of her in the world. She was so little, and so new. She needed everything from them, all the time. And while Annie had been so terrified of this, and so afraid of screwing it all up, she had never, for a moment, worried that Benji would. He was so naturally and effortlessly doting, so innately caring. He always seemed to know the right thing to do. And part of her knew, as she had always known, that this could weigh on him—she worried, sometimes, that he was assuming too much, overwhelming himself to offer her some respite. She had insisted he keep up with therapy, take alone time, go to work. She had instituted frequent emotional check-ins. She knew that things were not easy. But she also knew, even at two in the morning, watching Benji gently rock their daughter through their darkened room to bring her to Annie as she screeched with unrelenting fury, that her husband, in every sequence of lifetimes, would be the only person she could ever do this with.

Annie watched with a smile as Benji plucked Charlie gingerly from her car seat with ease. She guffawed at the idea of Charlie's anger being renowned among Benji's coworkers, imagining them hearing her piercing cries from the parking lot. Excitedly, she plucked a takeout bag from the passenger seat, heaving her door open and getting out to round the back of the car. "She was fine!" Annie assured him, nonplussed. They had had their 11 a.m. bellyache tantrum, which was fairly typical, but otherwise, it had been an unremarkable morning. Annie took in the sight before her, Charlie lying placid in Benji's hooked arm, and smiled. Then, brandishing the bag of food with a flourish, she smiled widely, proudly, like she'd scavenged for it: "I brought you lunch! Please clap."

[benjamin-hastings]

Benji may have been holding Charlie, but as Annie appeared from the car, his eyes were trained on her. She was his perfect teammate in parenting, but more than that, she truly was his best friend. His ego could handle that Tabitha was hers — he actually thought it was good that he wasn't her best friend. It didn't matter that they'd just seen one another that morning, if Benij had a tail, it'd be wagging at Annie's reappearance, and with lunch, no less. "I'll do you one better — watch this shit!" Benji took Charlie's squishy hands and swatted them together a few times. "It's not genuine from her, but it's genuine from me!" He leaned in then, giving Annie an enthusiastic smooch on the cheek.

"Do you want to come inside? No one's convinced that you actually had enough, or any, for that matter, sex with me to make a baby. I really need you to sell us for the audience." Benji half-joked, though a glance up at the storefront conveyed that, perhaps, he was being moderately serious. "Or, I could put Charlie back in the car and we could make out for a few minutes. A little PDA could really increase my rep around here."

Benji shifted Charlie to rest against the front of his shoulder, allowing her to looking at the world and curse it to her heart's content. "What's for lunch, then? Smells like something that's totally gonna get you l-a-i-d tonight." He spoke, harmonious odors radiating off of the bag. "I don't know if she understands us yet. I don't want her to know we have s-e-x. She'd probably hate that we're friends like that, honestly."

[benjamin-hastings]

@annelim outside of electric lettuce

When Katie had been pregnant with Connor, Benji had been proud of (what had been at the time) a small business venture of one flagship store. The brand that had grown during Connor's lifetime was perhaps more than Benji had anticipated for his professional life — and perhaps that was part of the problem now. Charlie had proven to be a nuanced challenge in parenthood, one that required a hands-on, multi-front approach from he, Annie, and his mother. And what that had become, ultimately, was a huge weight on Benji's conscious that he wasn't doing enough to be available at home.

Naturally, Benji really was home more than not, but the anxiety and guilt would always be an ever present phenomenon when parenting. When he could, he had Charlie strapped to his chest, entertaining Connor with some new board game. Making space for Annie — giving her time to breathe. But on such an occasion as this, he happened to have been truly needed for stocking and brand meetings, and had (somehow) convinced Annie to bring Charlie with her for a quick visit.

Annie had hardly parked the car as Benji was already opening up the back seat to collect Charlie from her car seat. "There's my favorite girl," He greeted with a cheesy grin. "... And her mom!" He added cheerfully, all the positive emotions completely lost upon his daughter, who just stared up at him, nonplussed.

"Was she a total b-word today?" Benji asked as he walked around the car to greet his wife, just as cheerful, genuinely, to see her. "Because she's starting to build a reputation. Just today, someone asked, how's the b-word? And I was totally embarrassed. Until I realized the b was for baby. But my first assumption was totally — y'know, that word!"

[benjamin-hastings]

tastyhasty just posted. You won’t want to miss it!

[annelim]

@benjamin-hastings​ bayview playground​

“We can’t tell my dad about this,” Annie murmured so that only Benji could hear. 

Her words broke a familiar silence that had befallen the two of them. They’d let the sounds of the playground fill the quiet, children’s laughter carrying through the air, competing with the birdsongs. Annie rubbed absentmindedly at the back of her neck. She could feel Benji turn to her, his eyes on her, but couldn’t work up the courage to exchange the gaze. 

Existing together had been more difficult than Annie cared to admit over the past few days, and she knew it to be her own fault. She had slowly felt herself growing something beyond anxious as spring had trickled into the swell of summer: she was terrified. The days kept ticking by, and she had found herself flailing, unable to fall into a sort of sweet comfort that she longed for as a first-time mom, that she saw advertised. After a late-night, near-blowout fight about the irresponsible use of cocoa butter, things had grown somewhat prickly around the house; Annie had been shrill and awful, and Benji had been, worst of all, right. They both knew these things to be true, and Annie had apologized for the way she behaved ten times over, but she hadn’t yet conceded to what Benji wanted: to give him the truth. She knew he was hurt more by what she hadn’t been saying this whole time than by what she had in a fit of anger and fragility.

It made sense, then, that the thing that would bring them together—as had been the case since their argument—was Connor. A call from the school, an incident of sharing gone wrong. The teacher had been very straightforward and kind about things, but neither Benji nor Annie were thrilled with the concept of Connor being hurt by another kid. She couldn’t begin to imagine how Katie had reacted when Benji told her. She hadn’t asked. The pair of them, as if on cue, raised their hands to wave at Connor as he waved excitedly at them from the top of the tower. 

“He’ll go straight to the board at that place. He won’t rest.” Annie glanced toward Benji, then, finally, almost warily. He looked tired. “That man has nothing but tenacity and spare time.”

[benjamin-hastings]

When Benji had first noticed that something was... off, with Annie, he’d found he was late to the dinner table when it came to all parties who were clued in to her worries and doubts. He wasn’t clueless by any stretch of the imagination — but Benji had chosen to take Annie’s words at face-value, even if that’d ended subsequently ended up with where they were now. It wasn’t that he was angry with Annie — he didn’t really think that was a possible feeling he could have towards her. No... He was hurt, disappointed, more than anything else. He’d wanted this all to go well, had wanted this to be a happy occasion in their lives. And even if she’d shared her worries, it still could have been just that. 

But... It hadn’t happened that way. Which was idealistic of Benji to think, but, there was a sense of loss in the idea that Annie had been lying to his face since the onset of her pregnancy. Benji obviously wanted his wife to feel she could share her innermost fears, but she hadn’t felt she could. Or, not that she couldn’t, but that she shouldn’t. A self-imposed wall. Something Benji had only been able to demolish after a blow-out of a fight. Now, all of the cards were out on the table. And a detente had meant silence, existing around one another as Benji struggled to bridge the gap, to find a resolution. 

So as Annie spoke, words meant for him, he looked to her, a faint smile curling at the edge of his lips. A half-hearted amusement. “No, definitely not.” Benji agreed. “If Connor tells him, well at least we’re innocent if we get subpoenaed.” He gaze shifted to Connor, soft sigh parting from his lips. “He seems fine, though. He’s a resilient guy. I’m sure Kevin’s bit him a million times that he’s never mentioned to us before. So.” 

Benji cleared his throat, then allowing his gaze to drop down to his hands. He didn’t know what to say, what the right words were in such a circumstance. Connor was okay — that much was promised. He’d forget about the incident in a day or two, likely go back to playing friends with the kid who’d just bitten him. That was his way. He was unselfish, exuberant. Benji usually was, too. They shared that same innate nature, father and son. “Well, if you’re good here with him... I can get back to work.” Benji offered, hands sliding into the pockets of his shorts.

[benjamin-hastings]

ANNIE LIM.

“That woman will not be beating the hocus pocus allegations,” Annie joked half-heartedly, though she was still processing Benji’s words. 

A little you. 

“You didn’t tell me you were hoping,” she murmured, much quieter, then, and surprised. She didn’t know what the right thing to do or say or feel was. She wanted, just as Benji was, to feel excited at the prospect of her daughter. But she felt a tightness in her chest, and she tried diligently to keep her breathing as even as she could, remembering tricks she’d learned for Benji—in through your nose, out through your mouth. She tossed the envelope and its contents down next to Benji, then brought his face within in her hands, leaning down to plant a firm kiss upon the top of his head and brushing another few along his forehead. She wondered if her parents felt this way when they found out about her. If her mom—if anyone—had ever felt as loved by anyone as she did by Benji. 

She looked down at him, eyes still flooded with tears, and thought, then, of her childhood, a time she spent mostly with Addie, or with her mom, or alone, feeling as though she was just slightly out of step with the rest of the world, sensitive and boisterous and overlooked by her peers, desperate to connect, to be seen. She closed her eyes, leaning back into Benji, wrapping her arms around his neck, her cheek coming to rest on the top of his head as tears fell freely.

She wanted to be swept away by the joy of this: a daughter with the man she loved more than she’d ever loved anything, a beautiful home, a life full of all good things. She thought of Benji, every night before bed, his head buried under the duvet, resting on Annie’s belly, chattering away. She thought of Connor holding up any odd object to her middle and saying, ‘bigger or smaller?’. She thought of Candace holding her hair back in the morning, then braiding it for the day. Her dad, teaching her acupuncture points for nausea. Tabitha, bringing her salads the size of her head for lunch and making sure she took her vitamins. There would be so much beauty in this little girl’s world. There would be so much love. It would be okay. It would be okay. It would be okay.  

She just didn’t know how to believe that entirely, yet.

“We’re gonna have a daughter,” she whispered, in both terror and awe, nuzzling her cheek against Benji’s hair. 

-

Benji hadn’t ever anticipated fatherhood — when it had happened, the opportunity had all been thrust upon him. And in that moment of panic, he’d nearly missed the very best thing that has ever happened to him: Connor. But there had to have been some fate to it all, that he was the one phone number that Katie had, that he’d answered, that, in a few days time, he’d come around and make the epic offer: it didn’t matter if the baby was biologically his. He’d be the father. Benji knew what it felt like not to be chosen by his own father, and to think that Katie’s child’s narrative would include Benji as a part of his over all parental rejection wasn’t something he could live with. 

Some might say that Benji was a natural to the act of parenthood, he had always been diligent in learning what he didn’t yet know, a good playmate but still an authority figure. And in a time in which he’d been relatively lost in life, Connor had given him something truly special to hold onto. Something bigger than himself. 

So as Benji watched Annie’s face, he saw glimmers of something he’d tucked back into the reserves of his mind — the fear that Katie had felt, and everything that had come with those emotions. But just as quickly as he was reading into her, they were drawing into one another, and his introspection was halted. “Does this mean we can start making lists of names? Because I’ve got, like, a lot of good ideas. In fact, I’ve got an entire thing on my notes app dedicated to names.” He rambled against her belly, words muffled as they remained attached to one another. “And we can get baby Sanuks to match us and Connor and it’s gonna be fucking sick.”

Benji weaseled his way out of Annie’s grasp, pulling back to properly look at her. “— Hey, um...” He squinted, debating whether to say anything at all. But in that moment of doubt, he hesitated. “... Never mind. I forgot what I was gonna say.”

[benjamin-hastings]

ANNIE LIM.

Annie took the envelope from Benji’s hand casually, intent on remaining as calm as possible, though her heart thudded louder the longer she held it unopened in her grasp. She scrunched her nose in dismay at Benji’s t-shirt offer as she fished the paper out. “It’s not the turns you have to be concerned about, it’s all the clearance I’m starting to need in the front,” she corrected, forcing herself to remain disaffected. She unfolded the paper, scanning it over quickly, and continued, “This morning Connor complained he couldn’t get close enough when I hugged him while he was on the ground, so now he has to be picked up.” Annie glanced up at Benji then, a wide grin playing at the edges of her lips. The love she held for Connor had started to change shape since she’d found out she was pregnant, somehow growing even fiercer, and the fact that he was genuinely so excited about it was no small relief. 

She glanced back down, scanning the paper quickly, focusing on the most pertinent part while Benji’s voice seemed to blur.

A girl. 

Annie felt as if she might float away. 

She curled her fingertips around Benji’s shoulder, giving it a few furtive squeezes as her eyes lingered on the paper. Her body seemed to lean inward, closer to his. They were going to have a daughter.

“I cannot believe your mom was right,” she whispered, finally looking up to see Benji through pooling tears, his sparkling smile and soft eyes waiting to see what she’d say, waiting to see her be happy. And she was. She was. She smiled at him, and it felt real, but her chest was burning. She tried to take a deep breath. When that didn’t work, she took whatever air in that she could. “We can–we should s-still raise them as a gremlin, though. Let them decide. I’m pro-gremlin.”

-

“Okay, well, that’s why we do it from behind now. You’re just getting so fat it’s like, untoward.” Benji reasoned with an impish look to him. “Ultimately I will support you in your time of need, like how your pants need extra inches on the waist.” He couldn’t help himself from teasing her, the constant and happy banter between them had always been easy. “Oh, and like, by the by, or whatever, stop stealing all of my shirts and just give in to the maternity wear. I never have any clean anything!” He chastised jokingly. In truth, Benji didn’t mind at all. 

His jokes fell silent, however, as she startled to handle the envelope, feeling his own excitement simply bubble. The tears that pricked in his own eyes, knowing that Annie knew what he knew, and how heavy and incredible the news was. Because now it was all the more real, at the very tip of their fingers. He felt a few tears slip from his eyes as Annie gripped his shoulder, a quiet sniffle sounding as she leaned towards him, his arms instinctively moving to wrap around her, his cheek then wresting against her midsection. 

“I know, right? She’s got devil’s sacrament written all over her with that witch shit.” Benji laughed, sniffling again and shrugging his shoulder close to his face to wipe haphazard at tears. He could hear how quickly Annie’s heart was beating, the tone of her voice... And it struck him as... Different. But he couldn’t really place it, and couldn’t tell if he was reading too much into it. So he shook of the inkling, drawing back enough to look up at his bride. “Not to be like, too obvious or anything, but I was kind of hoping...” He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I just think it’d be sick to have a little you running around.”

[benjamin-hastings]

ANNIE LIM.

As Annie’s belly grew, so, too, did her anxiety. Now firmly approaching the halfway point of her pregnancy, things felt significantly more tangible; a couple of weeks ago, she’d awoken in the middle of the night to tiny kicks. She’d promptly woken Benji, and, after some time spent marveling, softly cried herself back to sleep. It was complicated, this feeling she found herself wading through. And the idea that she had to wade through anything—that this couldn’t all be seamless, that she couldn’t just be happy, like Benji and Candace and Connor and her dad. She wondered, sometimes, what her dad might say if she told him the truth of the matter: that she didn’t know what she was doing, and she didn’t know if she ever would. And what kind of person did that make her? Lately, she found herself longing, more than normal, to talk to her mom. 

Working, in whatever perverse way, had become respite for her. She could focus all of her energy on creating a product, and see her labor come to fruition, and know she’d done it right, and well, and successfully. She’d picked up more projects under the guise of wanting to get some income before the baby came, but in actuality, she just liked the safety work offered, the routine. Benji had become part of that routine, cutting back hours at the store after Colin to be around more for Candace and Connor, and the pair of them spent most of their days alone, together, existing in one another’s orbits. Annie liked this time, these quiet moments together, him bringing her tea or her asking his opinion on a color scheme. Her heart picked up slightly as she heard him come padding toward her, and when he leaned down to kiss her, she inhaled steadily, taking in his scent. 

She peered over the rim of her glasses as he pulled out an envelope, and, at his blustered explanation, Annie’s eyes went wide, her mouth opening and closing promptly. She smiled, then, bemused, though an odd rush of nervousness flooded her. Finding out the gender was more or less one of the last Big Things to face, and her asking to put it off had been self-serving. She reached up to take her glasses off, setting them and her tablet down. “Jesus, how mean would it be if I just made you live with it?” She joked, coming to stand. She shuffled from behind her desk, padding over to stand before where Benji sat perched, and let one hand rest on his shoulder, extending the other in front of her into the space between them; a tacit offer to assume the responsibility, to take the weight of knowing off of him alone. Her stomach felt as if it sat firmly at her feet as she gazed down at Benji, bright eyes wide and hopeful. “Let’s see it, Hastings.”

-

Benji watched as Annie rose, his gaze drifting to her stomach, the protruding bump that had become the center of their world. His smile softened, looking up at the woman who knew his heart better than anyone else, relaxing between the pressure of her hand on his shoulder. “I’m gonna get you a shirt that says caution, wide left turns or something. Like those tracker trailers have.” Benji joked, toothy grin showing as his free palm flattened against her growing belly. While he and Katie had been very close during her pregnancy with Connor, this was different. It was different to be bringing a baby into the world with someone you loved, truly loved, and for this baby to be a product of that love. 

“You’d be just about the meanest wife ever.” Benji joked, looking up at her with utter fondness. As her palm reached out for the envelop, he dutifully passed it off to her, watching his wife carefully as she uncovered the information he was trying his level best to keep under wraps. “Okay but like, hypothetically, what if we just raise the baby as a little gremlin, and then it doesn’t even matter if I know something, because ultimately, this little baby can do whatever it wants, right? So, you know, no pressure, if you don’t want to know, or if you do, or don’t, or do, y’know. It’s all good here, babe. Super, super chill about this information. Super cool about it.” Benji nodded several times over as he rambled, anxious excitement seeping into his town as he waited for her to read the letter.

[benjamin-hastings]

CLOSED START FOR: @annelim​ LOCATION: benji and annie’s home, bayview

Benji had always been a responsible head of household — he’d never struggled to handle his affairs, particularly when it’d come to the mail. Having grown up in a home where final notices on bills had been commonplace, he was particularly prudent about taking care of business, so to speak.

So when mail arrived from Annie’s OB/GYN, Benji didn’t think anything of opening the letter, assuming, naturally, it was the final total from her last visit. Instead, and much to his dismay, he’d opened the envelop that housed the best kept secret of the Hastings household — the sex of their baby. 

He’d stared at it for awhile, stunned by the revelation, and ultimately, racked with guilt for obtaining information they’d been supposed to learn together. Some little silly party, or something as simple as handing the envelope over to his mother and letting her inform them of the news. Now, Benji had a secret he simply couldn’t keep to himself. 

Tucking the envelop into the back pocket of his jeans, Benji’s bare feet padded softly against the floor as he left the kitchen counter and followed the sound of music playing to where his wife was perched, chugging along on whatever project she’d been trying to get out of the way. 

“Hey.” He smiled warmly, leaning over to press a kiss against the top of Annie’s head. He settled on the edge of the couch beside Annie’s desk, which had found it’s temporary home in the living room while he finished up the pool house. “So, I made a little, um... Oopsie daisy.” Benji finally pulled the opened letter from his back pocket. “I thought it was a bill, but, uh —” Benji squinted at the paper in between his fingers, then looked to Annie. “I can totally hold out and pretend I don’t know, and let you be surprised, or, whatever. Or, um, you can put me out of my misery and we can just both know.”

[davidgiuntcli]

Jake McDorman photographed by Shanna Fisher

[benjamin-hastings]

ANNIE LIM.

While Annie and Benji had always been passionate, in the immediate aftermath of Colin’s death, the intensity of that bond increased tenfold. They were anchored together as allies, navigating the haze of a tragic loss while also more or less handling all of the responsibilities and duties that came with it on Candace’s behalf—closing accounts, planning services, making meals for everyone, doing wellness checks on Flo, Candace, and each other. More than a shared commitment to support each other, though, came the intense desire for one another—the craving for intimacy, the need to be close to one another. Idle touches and intent gazes and deepened kisses all seemed so much more intense, and so much more necessary. 

And Annie…had been irresponsible. 

Still, after all this time, the feeling of Benji’s touch sent a rush of endorphins through her, and she felt warmed. She stepped forward, letting her forehead come to bonk against his chest. She took as deep a breath as she could muster, inhaling Benji’s scent. “That man was meant to be a grandfather,” Annie muttered. “He’s been a grandfather since he was a child. You’ve seen how he dressed.” Lifting her head away, Annie looked back at Benji. His smile was so soft, so encouraging, so idyllic. She wanted to cry. She swallowed it down. “I hope he’s excited,” she murmured, then, softly. “I know it’s stupid, but I just…” She wet her lips as they fell into a soft frown. “It’s still really important to me. Like…what he…what he thinks of me.” 

Hurriedly clearing her throat again, her spirits lifted considerably at Benji’s lewd half-joke—and, notably, at the prospect of built-ins in the office. Her office. Benji’s labor of love since Colin passed, Annie had yet to step foot in there. “I dunno, I kind of feel like we already hit the tantric sex level. Maybe not, by, like, official standards, but we’ve definitely checked some stuff off the rubric. Remember the weekend after I moved in?”

-

Until Benji had met Annie, he’d always just sort of assumed Connor would be his one and only child. And that was sort of the point, right? He hadn’t met the person he fit with, the person he wanted to be with, so he’d always kept things casual and brief. But with Annie, everything just seemed to... Fit. And the irresponsibility that had lead to this pregnancy just sort of felt... Right. He worried, as ever, that his world was eating up Annie’s — that this pregnancy, and everything else, was just another thing to pile onto her plate. But Benji wanted to be optimistic, and take Annie at face value. 

And to Benji, she seemed just as ecstatic. 

“Oh, come on. Of course he’s excited. He just doesn’t know how to express the average spectrum of human emotion.” Benji smiled down at Annie, reaching a hand up to cup her cheek. “All the excitement that my mom shows is like, literally what he’s got going on in the inside. I swear.” Ted Lim was a character, but Benji knew he was excited about this pregnancy. “He thinks the world of you, babe. C’mon.” Benji’s brow scrunched, looking down on his wife with a bit of concern. “You’re his sweet cheese. His rotten soldier, if you will.” Benji stooped in, pressing a kiss against his wife’s forehead.

“Uh, yeah, I remember. I was pumping pedialyte between takes. It was probably the most impressive feat of physical fitness that has ever been attempted by humankind. So.” Benji flashed a cheeky grin, his hands sliding back to wrap around Annie’s waist, unabashed as they copped a little feel. “So, again, for the record, I think it’s worth acknowledging that it’s actually more impressive that we didn’t get pregnant before now. I’m kinda proud of us. The restraint was like, pretty tight. We did good, if you think about it. We deserve a medal, or a proclamation, or something.”

[benjamin-hastings]

ANNIE LIM.

Annie’s prerogative from a very early point in their relationship had always been, intrinsically, to make sure Benji was okay. Eventually, that need extended to the notion of ensuring the happiness of those he loved, those that came to love Annie in-kind. A sweet child and a pleasure to have in class, Annie was easy to care for, luckily for Ted and Melinda. Her mother, a fun-loving bohemian, and her father, emotionally clumsy and focused more on mental pursuits, had allowed Annie to grow however she wanted to with little structure. When Melinda got sick, then, and Ted became unmoored, Annie grew how she needed to—she would assume the role of the caretaker that her parents seemed to need. 

Now, that pervasive insistence to always prioritize others had placed Annie in a difficult position. She had spent many a night up with Candace, curled up in blankets on the patio while Benji and Connor slept, holding hands while Candace cried softly about the loss of the partnership she’d rediscovered in Colin. She had even been privy to a few of Flo’s more tender and vulnerable moments. But Benji? He hadn’t once cracked. Annie waited for it, sickly anticipating a fissure, and Benji had remained neutral regarding the loss. Late at night, sometimes, while they held one another in the quiet, speaking softly of the tender parts of life—concerns for Katie, or heartache for Candace, or uncertainty about Ted—Annie would hold her breath in expectation, squeezing Benji tightly as if to reassure him: it’s okay. You’re safe. All he could ever offer was that he wasn’t ever sure how to feel about losing Colin. And Annie had to accept that as enough, though she was waiting, perpetually, for the other shoe to drop. 

At Benji’s pheromone comment, she rolled her eyes, but unthinkingly leaned back into him, relishing in the feeling of security that their bodies pressed together offered. “We’re supposed to be leaving room for Jesus,” she admonished softly, but smiled at his kiss, and turned, then, to angle toward him more, though her eyes drifted back to the sonogram for a moment. At mention of her dad, she finally diverted her gaze to her husband. She felt nervous about telling her dad, but that was borne of her own uncertainty: what if he, too, thought she was ill-prepared to be a mother? “We should do it at Sunday breakfast,” she suggested, resolutely. “We can have celebratory waffles. I can make the ones with the sprinkles Con likes and you can bring one of your mangos for my dad’s. And we can bring the photographic evidence.”

-

Benji rolled his eyes at Annie’s joke. “I think we’ve been doing less of that than ever before.” Sometimes, Benji thought back to the very infant days of their relationship, where dates occurred with little more than hand holding. And then, on the third date, which society had filled with deep pretense, they’d kissed, and been unable to stop there. He’d always found it was hard to keep his hands off of Annie — there’d certainly been no lack of passion or desire between the two. It was intense, and fun, and filled with ecstasy. There was no room to wonder how they’d ended up with a baby on the way, in his opinion. Accidents happened, pills were forgotten. But ultimately, this was all somewhat inevitable in his mind.

“Super brave of you to bring up my mangoes at a time like this.” He grinned, his palm drifting to rub her back absentmindedly. He felt compelled to be touching her constantly, as if to anchor them to the present, that they were sharing this incredible, beautiful thing. And she didn’t have to worry about his presence in all of it. He quickly drifted to some form of an embrace then, looking down at Annie as his arms hung loosely at her waist, content to hold her closer. “But yeah, I think that’ll be great. And I think he’s going to be really thrilled. I mean, he doesn’t even care about us when Connor’s around. So.” It was true — Connor was likely the light of Ted Lim’s life. Another baby into the mix would only be more exciting for him, Benji guessed.

“Oh, by the by, I put in your built in bookcases in the pool house this morning. And left a copy of the Kama Sutra for you in case, you know, you wanted to have a little mini bookclub with my penis.” It was a completely nonchalant remark, maybe a joke, but also maybe entirely serious. “I just feel like getting into tantric sex could be a new frontier for us. We’ll just have to, y’know, also barricade the bedroom door before.”

[annelim]

@benjamin-hastings​ the hastings’ house, bayview

In the wake of Colin Hastings’ death, the Hastings family had once again undergone a series of life-altering readjustments. Candace was situated back in the “Hastings Compound”, as Noël referred to it, and Annie could not have been more grateful for her presence, despite the circumstances surrounding it. With both her and Connor in the home, it felt full, a sort of degree of safety in numbers to be found in the company of one another.  The family had made it to the other side of Christmas and New Year’s—an unusually quiet affair—and now everyone sat firmly situated—engulfed, really—in the fog of grief. With nothing to keep them occupied, the loss of Colin seemed to settle over everyone.

Their survival came in the form of distractions: the routines of daily life—work and school, meal preps and weekly movie nights. 

And in Annie’s pregnancy. 

She’d been irresponsible in the days surrounding Colin’s death, which, in hindsight, all seemed to be a bit of a blur, now. She course corrected quickly, restarting her morning pill routine as advised, but a missed period more or less sealed it. She came home with four tests, waited for Benji to get home from work, and the pair of them sat on the bathroom floor together, waiting for each little plastic tube to confirm their fate: a baby.

Her soft belly was tender, now, and she found her hand gravitated toward it more often than not; a nervous habit, an attempt at a tacit reassurance — if not for her, for the baby, at least.  Annie would be lying if she told anyone she was anything less than utterly terrified, but that was it: no one would ever know, if she could help it. Especially Benji. 

Especially Benji. 

Her darling boy. He’d been so tentatively overjoyed to show her the plus sign of the test, so thrilled to become a father again. He was practically bursting at the seams with excitement. Annie could only feel a deep, searing shame that she wasn’t as eager. She’d taken to crying in the solitude of the shower or the privacy of her car more and more as of late. She spent most nights in the glow of her cell phone screen as she devoured anything she could to prepare herself for any and every step of the journey while Benji slept softly beside her. She wanted to be a good mom. More than anything, she wanted to be a good mom.

She stood before the refrigerator, now, hanging their baby’s first sonogram next to a picture from their wedding and an announcement for a fundraiser for Connor’s kindergarten class. Benji stood behind her. She could feel the excitement radiating off him in waves, which was enough to make her smile. 

“They’re so little,” she said softly, almost wistfully. “How big did they say? A plum?”

[benjamin-hastings]

When asked if he thought he’d ever had any more children, Benji typically said no. He’d never expected to be a father in the first place — Connor was the shock of a lifetime. With Katie’s pregnancy, there’d been so many little moments that he’d missed out on, and the pregnancy itself had been a task, trying to support Katie and keep her head above water, and then in the months following her birth, trying to raise an infant and get her through the throws of postpartum depression. 

They hadn’t been trying. They hadn’t even really talked about kids. There was an eagerness in the abstract idea, but Connor needed so much from them, and Flo had just had Rory. There didn’t feel like any enormous rush. Annie was getting through her Master’s program, Benji was trying to help take care of his mom while she floated through the ether, depressed and dismayed by the loss of Colin. Benji’s emotions about the subject were fairly muted. He didn’t know how he felt about his father’s death. He was still stunned, certainly. But grief... It was a fickle thing. He never felt compelled to cry, or sleep for days or lay awake and question the endlessness of the universe. 

Instead, Benji found solace in keeping himself busy, renovating the pool house for Annie, entertaining Connor, keeping his mom afloat. And somewhere, somehow... A baby. He could hardly stand his excitement, the prospect of a baby that was half Annie’s absolutely floored him. It was a new obsession, a new chapter in the book of their lives together. Connor and Candace were both overjoyed, but annoyed that they now had to wait for the baby to arrive. Benji tried not to smother Annie too much, but he was certainly attentive. 

He had no idea that he was missing her fear, because she was fairly solid as hiding it. Nervousness seemed more apt to him. But Benji could understand nervousness. He was nervous too — anxious and overwrought with excitement. 

“They’re just a little guy in there.” Benji cooed, his palm falling over Annie’s stomach as he stood behind her, cradling her in his grasp. “You’re like, a really hot pregnant lady, for the record. Your pheromones and my pheromones that humping like a bad middle school dance right now.” He teased lightly, pressing a kiss against her shoulder before releasing Annie so they could properly see one another as they beheld the ultrasound. “It’s so surreal.” Benji remarked, smile wide and proud. “We can tell your dad soon, even.”

[benjamin-hastings]

ANNIE LIM.

Annie quickly enveloped Benji the moment he granted her access, and she would have been content to stand in the kitchen for hours just holding him. There was not a single thing in the world that could make what Benji was experiencing better. There was not a single thing in the world she could offer him. His entire life was now upended, and everyone would be forced to scramble for some semblance of composure. If Annie could provide that for him, in whatever miniscule way, she would. It didn’t matter what that took, she’d decided. She let Benji pull away, keeping an arm wrapped around his waist as she slid the other one out to let her hand rest gently on his cheek. Annie leveled her gaze with his, bright blue eyes dimmed, despondent and drifting. “I want your mom here. I want her to be here. And I want Flo here, too, if she needs. I can make up the guest room and fix up the bungalow. Whatever we have to do. I want you all to have whatever you need right now.” She spoke with grave precision, her intent serious. She’d already emailed her professors, her firm and her current client, a flurry of nerves setting her alight as soon as she hung up with Benji that morning. “And my dad said that if we need him to take Connor for a bit, he’s happy to.”  Annie knew when she told her father that it would be a delicate subject, and she knew, even more, that he would understand how stifling grief could be when you had to assume the burden of your child’s, too. Annie swallowed. “It’s–everything I read says the same thing. Simple language. No room for misinterpretation. He’s gonna have questions. A lot of questions, probably, because it’s him. And he’s gonna need answers. And you might not have them. And that’s okay. But it’s a do your best thing.” She delivered it all like bulletpoints on a list, careful and meticulous. Then, she added gently, as if coaxing Benji to the present, “…and it’s okay to show that you’re sad, too.”

-

The truth was, Benji didn’t know his father very well. And at this stage in his life, he hadn’t wanted to. It was too late, as far as Benji was concerned. Colin Hastings had had many opportunities in his life to get it right, to have some semblance of a presence in his children’s lives, but he’d failed to do so. And while Benji wasn’t in a position to deny his son a grandfather out of spite, the buck had stopped there. He hadn’t wanted to let Colin get to know him, let him into his life. The last time he’d done that, when Benji was in his twenties, Colin had left again. It had devastated Benji, when he’d finally thought his father was back in his life. Benji was upset because of what he’d seen this do to his mom and sister. A part of Benji, presently, felt relieved he hadn’t given Colin a chance. Somehow, in that moment, it felt easier to manage. His concern didn’t have to be for himself, or what he was feeling, because his concern was exclusive to those in his family who would truly feel this loss the heaviest. And if that meant Benji was in denial, he wouldn’t very well know, would he? 

“I think Noël and Rory might have a thing or two to say about Flo staying here.” Benji tried to be lighthearted, but ultimately it was an empty jest. “Maybe, yeah. I haven’t even spoken to Katie, but uh... Yeah, your dad. That might be nice for Con.” There was no mistaking that Connor loved spending time with his pop-pop, so that might ultimately be good, to have somewhere neutral for him to go in some of the more stressful days ahead. “Mhm.” He nodded, absent gaze cast in the direction of the living room. “I think for now maybe we could all just sit on the couch and snuggle for a little bit? I just need a little bit.” Benji was beyond exhausted, and in that moment, nothing sounded better than gathering up his favorite people and clamoring under a blanket while something mindless played on the television.

[benjamin-hastings]

FLORENCE HASTINGS.

Florence had long ago stopped protesting when Benji decided he wanted to steal Rory from her.  It allowed her to get a better look at him and his somber expression. It was rare for her brother to look like anything but an excited puppy dog, so this was alarming to say the least. “Noël’s sleeping,” she said dismissively, her eyes scanning his every feature in an attempt to figure out what was about to come out of his mouth. Apart from it being bad, it wasn’t given much away. “Spit it out, you’re freaking me out. Last time I saw you like this was when you came to visit me at the hospital.” Cold crept into her chest at his mention of their father and she almost felt her walls coming up. He was fine. He had to be. There was just no way that he wasn’t after everything, after she had just begun to get to know him the way she always wanted to. “He — No, Benji, he’s fine. I just saw him. We went for a walk on the beach and he played with Rory for hours. He was doing great,” she said tightly, standing up from the couch quickly and extending her arms out for Rory. “It’s just not possible, okay? I should probably get her back to bed, so…” Realistically, she knew he was telling the truth. Benji wouldn’t joke about something like this. No one would. She just wanted to live a few more minutes in blissful ignorance because she wasn’t sure she was ready to handle something like this. 

-

Benji winced as Flo began to speak, feeling her panic set in, the mix with his own making a sour feeling in his stomach. “Flo, I—” There was a disconnect, between reality and what Flo was willing to accept, and what she wanted to do. “We have to go to the hospital. Mom needs us, and we have to go.” Benji looked down at Rory, so innocent and ignorant to the events unfolding around her. “So you really should wake up Noël, because I doubt you want to bring Rory. And we need to—” Benji looked at his sister, trying his best to remain articulate and some semblance of a pillar of strength for her. “I don’t have any more answers, or explanations. Those are waiting for us with his doctors, and with mom. And we can’t leave her there by herself while you process. I haven’t processed either. We just, we have to do this, okay? You and me. I can’t do it without you.” Beginning to stand up, Benji held his niece gingerly, making his way to sit beside his sister on the couch. “Can you do that? Can you stick with me, here? Because it’s going to be a bad day. And it’s going to be bad for a while after today. But I need to know if you can step up.”

[benjamin-hastings]

ANNIE LIM.

For most of the day since Benji’s call, Annie had been awash with anxiety, her nerves completely frayed. She only knew her view of loss, the way it’d shaped her life, as a child losing a mother that had battled an illness and lost. She was prepared, in whatever sick, macabre way someone could be, for the conclusion of that story, and she knew the end. This had been so sudden. His heart, Benji had sputtered out, desperately trying to maintain his composure on the phone, the sound of a hospital intercom sounding behind him. Somewhere in the background, Annie knew, was Candace and Flo, devastated. Her heart ached just to think of them. She wanted so badly to be there, but knew she had a role to play in all of it, too. Knew she had to do what Benji asked.

She spent most of the day appeasing Connor, his every desire filling their itinerary. They went to the Holiday market, where Connor played until he exhausted himself. They had hot chocolate. They watched all the current favorite movies. Anything to distract him from the real world, where his grandpa was dead and his nana and daddy were grieving and nothing would be the same for any of them. When Benji finally spoke, Annie canted her head just slightly, watching as he worked the words out of his mouth, and nodded. “That’s okay,” she murmured, her voice low and soft. “This is not something anyone is equipped to handle. It’s okay.”  She stepped closer, an instinctual pull to be nearer to him, but didn’t touch him, granting him enough space to pull away if need be, if it all became too much. “I was…I did some reading. This morning, when you called, before he–” Annie shook her head, the exposition unnecessary and too much. She felt awkward and unsure of how to handle herself, not sure if her presence would serve as a help or hindrance. “I can help. If you want me to. We can figure something out.” 

-

When Annie approached, Benji very gratefully wrapped his arms around Annie, holding her tightly. It was an instant relief to be with her, to be in their home where the outside world couldn’t invade. And yet, it had come knocking, because that was the way life went. It was not so long ago that they’d been sitting in the hospital at Ted’s side, and Benji had been forced to reckon with the the concept of mortality in reference to their parents. And while he had been unable to imagine his life without his mom, Benji had lifted most of his life up until that point without his father. But now there would be no opportunity to mend fences, no possibility of ever hashing out the qualms and the hurt Benji felt in relation to Colin, and there would be no relationship. That particularly strand of time had been cut, and it was gone forever. 

With his face burrowed in Annie’s neck, Benji breathed in her scent until he began to feel sufficiently calm again. God, he loved this woman. She had become everything to him so quickly, and he couldn’t imagine who he would be, or how he would be able to handle any of this were she not by his side. She was the perfect step-mom to Connor, embraced him as her own, and her relationship with Candace was also something Benji adored about her. Annie and Benji’s lives were fully integrated, from his check-ins with Ted, to Connor having a regular week-end appointment with his ‘pop-pop’. This life was beautiful, and he was so lucky. But it was all finite, in the end. The least of Benji’s priorities had been hashing things out with Colin, because he’d wanted to make him sweat it out, to wonder if Benji might ever let him in. And now... “I think mom’s gonna stay here for a bit, if you’re okay with that.” Benji stated after a beat, pulling back so he could see Annie as he spoke to her, but kept her in his grasp. He knew Annie would be more than happy to have Candace back under their roof, but seeing as she was in school and worked from home, he didn’t want to blow up her life, either. In the end, Candace could just as easily stay with Flo and Noël. “Noël’s helping her with the arrangements, which was uh, very big of him. I just can’t, um...” Benji shook his head. “I can’t really think about anything else, right now. If you want to, um, tell me about what you read. I think I have to do this first, before I can do anything else.”

[benjamin-hastings]

FLORENCE HASTINGS.

Florence being up at this hour of the night wasn’t unusual by any means. Rory was a relatively easy baby, but somehow always fussy when both she and Noël were attempting to get some sleep. Not that she minded getting up to soothe her little girl all that much. What was unusual was for someone to knock on their front door this late. She looked back to the front door from her spot on the couch, legs folded in front of her and Rory babbling away on her lap, torn between opening the door herself and calling for Noël so he could do it. Given that there wasn’t a peep coming from their room, she figured he needed the sleep and clumsily got up from her very comfortable couch. Holding Rory with one arm, she inched the door open slightly and peeked at who was standing on the porch. “Oh, it’s you,” she said when she recognized her brother, opening the door wider to let him in. “I love you, but what a weird time to show up at someone’s house. Come in, we were just watching trashy reality TV.”

-

When the door opened and Flo was standing there with her daughter, Benji’s heart seized up. Rory wouldn’t remember Colin, and her impression of him would instead be colored by how he had treated her mother. She would never have the ability to know what Connor thought: his grandpa was fun, and affectionate, and spoiled him rotten. “Yeah.” He replied awkwardly, stepping in and shutting the door behind him. “Can I? —” Benji gestured towards Rory, but not hesitating to snatch his niece out of her hands. She was perfect and small in his hands, and yet growing too quickly for Benji to comprehend. He remembered thinking the same thing with his own son, how fast time passed. Benji followed Flo into the living room, settling into a chair by Flo, enough that he wasn’t sitting next to her, but could look at her straight-on. “I have to... I have to tell you something.” Benji tensed up, looking from Flo back to Rory, watching as she reached for his beard. “Maybe you might want to get Noël, or we can just... Just you and me.” Like it’s always been. “Dad, um... He — He, um...” Benji shifted uncomfortably, finally looking up to meet Flo’s gaze. “I’m sorry. He’s... He’s...” Benji sucked in a shaky breath. He knew he couldn’t use the word ‘gone’ — Flo would simply think he’d jetted off again, but was still out there in the world somewhere. No. He had to suck it up, he had to tell her the truth, and not mince words. “He died.”