soft heart // cruel world

ravenclaw || sixth year || always remember it costs 0.00 to be a good person

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

Theo stayed quiet, listening to Benjy’s voice without really hearing what he was saying. The long expanse of night stretching before him suddenly feeling real. He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts, he didn’t want to spend the night lying awake in his ex’s bed, wearing the sweater he wore for the majority of their relationship. He didn’t want Benjy alone either, on the sofa… uncomfortable, knowing he was hurting, knowing he was in his bedroom. The situation was already awkward and difficult to navigate. What did he really have to lose by making it more so? “Would you?” He breathed, closing his eyes for a brief moment in a vain attempt to feel less vulnerable. “Just for tonight? I… know I have no right to ask… but would you, Benjy?” 

“Okay,” Benjy nodded. Like inviting Theo to stay he knew this could be awkward, difficult, confusing. It already was all of those things becoming more so by the minute, but still... Still Benjy found he couldn’t deny Theo. Not after the night they had, not with that face and that voice that pulled on him to reach out and hold him even though he had given up the privilege, “Okay. I can stay,” He repeated, “Just--Erm--” Benjy fumbled over his words. He needed to get undressed without Theo seeing him, and he wasn’t sure how he could do that without drawing attention to himself, “I... Okay. I’m just gonna... Get some water, do you want any?” He asked, waited for an answer before leaving, bringing his clothes with him as if in afterthought, not the reason he was leaving the room. 

Theo probably suspected something of him, Benjy knew, but what was he supposed to do? Tell Theo that his brother tracked him down to attack him? His ex was so determined to believe the best in everyone, especially his family, and Benjy didn’t want to make that harder for him. He slid into the bathroom, changing into a t-shirt and bottoms as quickly as he could before grabbing the water and coming back, robes draped over his arm. 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

“I know you are.” Theo sighed, closing his eyes for a few beats of silence before opening them again. “And I know you do.” He wasn’t an idiot, he knew the careful sentence was Benjy’s way of avoiding the want to tell him his parents were never going to change, that River was never going to change. He appreciated the effort, even if the need for it did add to the growing weight on his shoulders. He bit down on his bottom lip, nodding quietly in response to the comment on his night. What else could he do? He was worried he might burst into tears again if he was forced to talk further on the subject. “Wait-” He said, suddenly realising what Benjy was planning to do. “I don’t expect you to sleep on the sofa, Benjy… if that’s what you’re planning… don’t go…” 

Benjy straightened, holding the sleeping clothes. He turned, “I’m--I mean, you’re taking the bed,” There wasn’t any question in his voice. Benjy wasn’t usually one to tell anyone what to do, but on this he was going to hold firm. After everything there was absolutely no way Theo wasn’t getting the bed, he deserved somewhere comfortable enough to sleep, “It’s alright, really. I don’t...” He trailed off from saying ‘mind’ realizing that it might not actually be about the bed vs the sofa, “You want... You want me to stay?”  

[benjyxfriendwicks]

alexrivergrayson‌:

“No, I wasn’t talking to you.”   Really there was no one in the world he wanted to see less than Benjy.  He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself before he did something he may (or may not) regret. He thought he had been pretty clear last time when he told Benjy to leave his brother alone. “But since you’re here. I thought I made it clear you need to leave Theo alone.”

Benjy’s hand was still around his wand in his pocket. If it came down to an actual fight there wasn’t a whole lot of contest, River could take him down in a heartbeat, but he could try. Yes, River had made it painfully clear that he wasn’t to be speaking to his brother, but that still didn’t stop Benjy from talking back, “You did but--I mean what was I supposed to do? Would you rather he end up on the street?” Surely his home was better than some dark dingy alleyway Theo could have ended up in. 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

Theo smiled sadly at the protestation, wishing he could believe it. “Don’t be sorry.” He said, his voice barely louder than a whisper. “My parents… my brother, one day they’ll understand.” That he really could believe, although he felt sure Benjy might protest again at the sentiment. “I just have to wait… they’re good people, eventually they’ll see… and we… we are the way that we are, Benjy. Nothing is going to change that now.” He took a deep breath, feeling overwhelmingly awkward. “Maybe…” He admitted, biting down on his bottom lip. “I do feel tired…” He felt so many things.

Benjy sighed. He was sorry, how could he not be with how badly he had hurt Theo? Unfortunately his ex was probably tired of hearing it and, like telling the truth about why he had broken up with the boy, this too would likely come off as sounding insincere. “I really hope you’re right,” That wasn’t a lie, he really, really hoped Theo was right. The yellowing bruises, and receding hex welts still on his chest presented a rather bleak vision of River’s attitude towards acceptance but... Maybe some day he would figure it out. Hopefully. 

“I’m sure you do, you’ve had a hell of a night,” Benjy said, moving around to carefully stub out the joint, leaving enough for himself later, then to pick up a change of clothes, “I’ll, er... I can leave you to it if you want?” He ought to go see if he could find a blanket for the sofa. 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

Theo tugged uselessly at the sleeves of Benjy’s sweater, suddenly wishing it wasn’t the one he used to wear all the time, the one Benjy liked to see him in so much. He shook his head, a quiet laugh escaping him as he lowered his gaze, staring pointedly at the floor. After everything that had happened tonight, he couldn’t take another rejection. He couldn’t take another reminder of the way he wasn’t good enough for the person he wanted to be with. “I’m not sure anybody has ever said that and meant it, Benjy.” He murmured, frowning as his hair fell into his line of vision. It was still brown, still Charmed to replicate his natural colour so that he wouldn’t disappoint his parents. He swallowed, the weed in his system the only thing holding him steady, keeping his tears at bay. “It’s okay… we don’t need to talk about it.” 

“I did mean it...” Benjy protested, though he knew it was fruitless. No matter how insistent he was, and no matter the truth to the statement Theo probably still wouldn’t believe him. And he didn’t feel like hashing out all of the reasons he was a worthless piece of trash fuck-up again, why Theo shouldn’t even give him the time of day let alone the heart Benjy had held until the panic set in and he dropped it. He took another pull on the joint just for something to do, it wasn’t truly helping much any more. 

“I’m sorry,” He said, “For all of this,” Everything Theo’s parents had done, everything Benjy himself had done, all of it resulted in his ex’s suffering and he hated that, it still felt awful, “We should get some sleep...” It probably wouldn’t actually feel better in the morning, but if they kept going down this road it would be actively worse.

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

Theo felt another blush creeping to his cheeks, feeling suddenly warm and comfortable as the effects of the marijuana began to hit him. Benjy thought he was charming. He felt a swell of happiness at the thought, despite the usual confusion that accompanied any compliment from him. Benjy had been the one to end the relationship. Which could only mean there was something fundamentally unlovable, something Benjy saw in him that he simply didn’t like… how could somebody think he was so charming and then decide they didn’t work together? He could feel himself getting dangerously close to asking why, the question he had managed to force from his mind in a bid to protect himself, to stop everything for hurting so deeply. “It should stop though… shouldn’t it?” He said, his voice barely louder than a whisper. “You want it to…” 

And just like that they were back down to earth again, that bubble of normalcy bursting so easily. As it probably should have, but still it was never a fun reminder. All the air left Benjy in a sigh and he looked away from Theo, towards the small space to the rain beyond, letting his shoulders slump a little, “Theo I--” He didn’t know how to answer that question. On the one hand it probably should stop, they should both stop spending time together or Theo was going to get dragged down with him. But on the other hand, on the awful, selfish, other hand Benjy craved this, the way he felt when Theo smiled, being able to actually make the other boy laugh. 

“I--I’m sorry. I told you, it was--it was me, not you...” He finally said quietly, still not ready to look at him yet. And he had, or at least he had tried say that it wasn’t Theo’s fault but his own that they broke up. Maybe it hadn’t translated. 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

Theo stared at the joint when Benjy held it out to him, letting a few beats pass before reaching out and taking it. Usually, he let Benjy do the drugs, not that he had any issue with people using substances. He liked to be clear minded, and he found expressing himself difficult when he was high. But now… he wanted to be the opposite, he wanted to quiet his thoughts, stop the sadness that seemed to be collecting, cold and uncomfortable, in his chest. He pulled on it gently, managing to inhale the smoke without coughing despite his throat burning in protest. He knew it was something Benjy would tease him endlessly for. He took one more toke before handing it back, a laugh escaping him suddenly, smoke unfurling on his breath. This was what he missed so badly. Benjy’s stupid sense of humour, the one that could make him laugh even when he knew he really shouldn’t. The way the boy before him radiated light, even if he couldn’t see the light for himself. “It would have been an improvement.” He teased, his eyes shining as he found himself joking too.

It was a mark of how awful the underlying situation was, that Theo actually accepted Benjy’s offer. But that was why he had offered it as well, because he always did, but because the drugs were something Benjy used to keep calm, to prevent himself from completely losing his head when things got difficult. Sometimes they all needed it, Benjy knew that all too well. 

He took back the joint, laughing slightly too loud at the playful teasing and covering his mouth with his hand. Definitely shouldn’t be making it harder for anyone to sleep, “Oh, it never stops with you now does it,” Weirdly this still felt so natural, falling back into this stupid banter, like he hadn’t gone and ruined everything, “You are an absolute charm machine.” 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

Theo felt himself flush at Benjy’s observation. He was, of course. It was something Benjy used to tease him endlessly over when they were dating. He could still remember his frustration each time he tried to tell somebody and they didn’t believe him. This time though, it hadn’t been intentional. “I’m sorry.” He smiled shyly, biting down on his bottom lip. He opened his mouth to speak again but was distracted by the mention of Aurora’s Christmas gift. He was almost grateful for the excuse to turn away, to look at the ‘Pet Rock’ sitting on Benjy’s desk. Clearly he couldn’t trust himself to speak right now. “At least she won’t be able to accidentally kill it.” He pointed out. “I doubt it comes with many responsibilities.” 

Benjy took another drag on the joint and smiled at the blush on Theo’s face, unable to help himself. Theo really was entirely too adorable sometimes, and maybe those weren’t thoughts he should be having just now but they were true regardless, “You don’t need to be sorry,” Out of habit more than anything else he offered the joint to Theo, it definitely was working to calm him down, “What do you mean not many responsibilities? They’re extremely feisty, this one almost chewed my nose off last night. And she’s run away like five times,” He joked, hoping he might be able to get another laugh out of him. 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

alexrivergrayson‌:

“Overall, this holiday wasn’t the worst.  I mean if you don’t count New Years and all.  You have a good holiday?”

“What?” Surely River hadn’t actually been talking to him. Or maybe he just didn’t realize who had unintentionally come upon him upon exiting the castle. Benjy slid his hand into his pocket for his wand, ready to cast impedimenta and flee if River came at him again. Seemed relatively likely, seeing as how Benjy had heard (and felt) the instruction to stay away from River’s brother only to invite him into his home, “Did, er... Did you mean me?” 

[ollivandriel]

rhiannonbye:

Send “✆” for a MORNING text. Send “✉” for a text that WASN’T SENT. Send “☎” for a RUSHED text. Send “⁇” for a DRUNK text. Send “✿” for a SUGGESTIVE text. Send “ø” for a LATE NIGHT text. Send “✘” for a HATEFUL text. Send “#” for a RANDOM text. Send “@” for a SCARED text. Send “&” for a LOVING text. Send “%” for a CURIOUS text. Send “ツ” for an EXCITED text. Send “$” for an ACCIDENTAL text. Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text.

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

Theo’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly in response to Benjy’s reaction, before he realised exactly where his mind had taken him. It was something he found endlessly endearing about the boy. The way he could turn every situation into something sexual, the way he was so open and easy when it came to matters most would find reason to be embarrassed about. It shouldn’t be funny, not really. But he couldn’t help the amused smile that began to tug at his lips, the knowing spark in his eye that had his entire demeanor becoming lighter, less troubled. “You’re an idiot, Benjy…” He couldn’t help the quiet laugh that escaped him. If his comment had been inappropriate, his insult definitely was. They weren’t close anymore, they were barely friends. Why was it so easy to slip back into how they used to be? “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say things like that… but it’s true. It’s one of the reasons I…” 

“And you are still such a flirt, Theo,” Benjy teased back, red faced and embarrassed, but Theo was smiling and somehow the tension felt lessened. The dissenting voice in his head, telling him what a mistake he was making hadn’t gone away, but it felt just a little bit less important. His ex looked almost happy for the first time since he had gotten the news, and he wanted to keep that going if he could, “It’s okay, I mean, you’re not wrong,” He shrugged with another little huff of a laugh, not yet ready to consider the possible ends of Theo’s sentence, “If you ever need a reminder of that check what I got Aurora for Christmas,” He said, pointing at the ‘Pet Rock’ container on his desk. 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

Theo ducked his head, wishing he could apologise to Benjy’s mother. There would time to do that tomorrow, and time to look for somewhere new to stay. He would only be inconveniencing for a night or two, at least he could take comfort in that. “Benjy… please don’t apologise.” He murmured. Each apology was somehow serving to make him feel worse, adding to the guilt that was weighing him down. “No…” He said quietly, tugging at his sleeves. “No… just you.” He looked up, his expression open and vulnerable. He knew it was inappropriate, knew he should keep his mouth firmly shut, but it was true. All he needed right now was company, Benjy’s in particular. Nobody made him feel safe like he did, even after all the pain and confusion. “If… if that’s okay?”

Benjy sighed, before taking another drag on the joint, holding it in his lungs and nodding to show that he understood no more apologizing. Not sure how long that would actually last. ‘Just you’ Benjy choked, “Me? What?” He wheezed, waving his hand through smoke he coughed out. Surely Theo didn’t mean... That wouldn’t be right. They couldn’t, especially not now, with Theo this--Right. The penny dropped. This was Theo. There was absolutely no way he actually wanted to have sex right now. Benjy flushed, breath now returning to normal, “Y-yeah. Yeah that’s... I-I can... Yeah.” God, what was wrong with him? 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

theoforestgrayson‌:

Theo held the clothes close to his chest, still unable to believe he had ended up in quite possibly the best and worst place for him to be. The clothes smelled of Benjy, of the washing powder his mother used, and it brought back so many memories. Good memories… but painful ones. Merlin, did it hurt. He watched helplessly as his ex left the room, listening to the quiet voices in the hall, not able to make them out through the wood. He could only hope nobody was in trouble, that was the very last thing he wanted. With a quiet sigh, he began to take off his dress robes. The conversation sounded as though it would take a little while longer and, even if it didn’t, Benjy had seen him without clothes on more than one occasion. It would be strange, but it wouldn’t be embarrassing. Not now. He pulled the sweater over his head, suddenly realising which sweater it was. The one Benjy always gave him to wear, the one he felt sure he had spent most of their relationship in. Maybe he should take it off, maybe he should ask for a new one. But he couldn’t, he didn’t want to. It was comfortable, and not just in the physical sense. He looked back up when Benjy re-entered the room, a worried frown creasing his brow. “Is- is everything okay?” He asked quietly, fully prepare to change back into his robes if he needed to. “Benjy… I can leave. I don’t want to cause any trouble.” 

At the sight of Theo wearing his clothes, wearing that sweater, standing in his room Benjy’s heart beat a little faster. Memories hit him, and he looked down at the mussed up bedcovers, thinking about how much he had always liked seeing Theo in that sweater wasn’t going to help anyone, “You’re alright don’t worry,” He said, looking up a little bit, “She’s not upset,” Honestly, she would probably just be glad it was Theo and not any of the people he usually hung around with out here.

Benjy went to his night stand and fiddled through it until he pulled out an old cigarette carton, “Sorry it’s a mess in here. Wasn’t expecting any company,” He admitted sheepishly, selecting an already rolled joint, one with the paper he had been practicing de-scenting charms on, “I’d magic it up but, y’know, still got the Trace on,” He lit up and took a pull, “D’you need anything? Water? Something to eat?” 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

avgvstvs-rookwood‌:

“The energy in here is just hovering at a ‘something’s about to happen’ place,” he said, laughing as he shrugged, too. “Something good.” Either way, he was wearing a bright grin at the compliment, winking as he took drinks from the bartender and offering benjy’s up to him.  “That’s exactly right. I knew you had good taste, mate, cheers.”

“There’s lots of kinds of good, do you have any idea which way it’s leaning?” Benjy asked, cocking his head, “And he’s a gentleman too, it must be my lucky night,” He accepted the cup, “Cheers to you.” 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

Tonight had been a lot to handle to say the least. The overly fancy, snooty, Pureblood party he shouldn’t have been at in the first place, Theo being there at all, the Graysons inevitably turning out to be arseholes (again), Theo coming home with him; all left him feeling confused, worried, and most of all drained. After the party, flooing back to The Lantern, and the walk back to his home in the rain, it was getting into the small hours of the morning and Benjy let them into his home as quietly as possible. 

Not quietly enough, however. While he was trying to pull together suitable sleeping clothes from his recently cleaned laundry in his tiny, messy room he heard his mother’s footsteps and pressed the clothes into Theo’s arms, “Here, give me a second--” He said, quickly scurrying out and shutting the door quietly behind him. 

“Benjy?” Maria had clearly been sleeping, and Benjy felt a stab of guilt for fully waking her up. 

“Mum, hey,” Benjy made sure to keep his voice low, no need to wake up the entirety of his family, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

“What’s going on, is everything okay?” She gave him a look up and down, “Why are you dressed like that?” 

Right, he was still in the dress robes, definitely not his work uniform, nor anything he would have changed in to afterwards, “Er,” He flushed a little, embarrassed and guilty that he had lied about what he was doing that evening, “I--I’m sorry. I can explain, I-er-I went to this wizard thing--” 

“I thought you were working tonight.” 

“I--” In a way he had been, but not in a way he could explain to her. His shoulders slumped and he sighed, guilt intensifying as it always did when he exposed his mother to any of the more difficult parts of himself, “I’m sorry. I should have told you but--Something came up. My friend, Theo, I--I told you about him,” At length last year, “His parents--They’re--They won’t let him go home and if--I didn’t want him on the street or anything. Can he stay here tonight?” 

The sigh that left his mother wasn’t a happy one by any means, but she nodded, “Of course he can stay. But...” He swallowed nervously, “Benjy, I just wish you’d told me what you were doing.” 

He hung his head, there wasn’t anger in her voice either. Probably still confusion, maybe a little disappointment, definitely worry, but overall the feeling was exhaustion. The guilt squirmed in him and he nodded looking at the pile of laundry outside his brother’s room, “I know, I’m sorry.” 

Her face softened and she put a gentle hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze, “It’s okay. I know you’re helping your friend. We can talk about this in the morning.” 

“Thanks,” She had every right to be angry with him, it wasn’t like this was the first time he had lied, but she wasn’t, and he would be forever grateful for it. 

“We will talk about this in the morning though, okay?” He nodded, “Good. Now please get some sleep.” 

“Yeah, I will,” He probably wouldn’t, there was way too much on his mind for that, but he would at least be quiet, he owed her that much at least, “Goodnight,” She gave his shoulder another squeeze and turned to go back into her room, while Benjy shuffled back into his. 

“Hey, sorry about that,” He said as he opened the door. 

@theoforestgrayson​

[benjyxfriendwicks]

siiniistra‌:

“Bullshit. You’re just saying that to be nice to me, and don’t get me, wrong it’s totally working, but it’s absolute rubbish.” She laughed. “Maybe? Maybe he’d just finally be dead, and we wouldn’t have to worry about running through him on the way to charms.”

“I can be nice and say true stuff at the same time,” Benjy protested. He had to admit, talking and joking around with Aurora was making him feel a bit better, “Ooh, yeah, nothing wakes you up in the morning quite like walking through Binns. D’you think they’d get another ghost to teach it or would it just become the next Defense teacher situation?” 

[benjyxfriendwicks]

ttheoforestgrayson‌:

Friends. The word was both a comfort and a source of pain. If friendship was all Theo could hope for then he was incredibly lucky. Just a few months ago Benjy wouldn’t even look at him when he passed by in the corridors. But that didn’t stop him from yearning for more, for missing the way his lips felt, the way his heart beat wildly in his chest at the feeling of being so close to him. He sighed quietly when Benjy moved his hand, the cold air on the back of his neck a reminder of their current situation, the fact that they were no longer dating. Do you need anything? Merlin, he wanted the answer to be no. He wanted so badly to walk away, to keep things as simple as they could be, to not tangle their feelings even more. It wasn’t fair on Benjy, it wasn’t fair on himself. But what choice did he have? Asking anybody else would mean explaining what had happened. He wasn’t sure he could do that yet. How could he have been so stupid? Why didn’t he organise a back up plan? He had been so sure of his parents… so sure they were going to let him home and he hated that. He hated himself. He hated the way they made him feel. “Somewhere to stay…” He breathed, his voice barely louder than a whisper. “I’m so sorry…” 

“Okay, I’ve got you,” Benjy said before he really could talk himself out of it. If Theo came home with him that would be the first Hogwarts friend who had come home since his father died, and that... It didn’t matter. His anxiety, shame, everything else he felt about the way he lived up in Manchester didn’t matter because Theo needed a place to stay. If Theo didn’t come home with him he would very probably end up on the street and that could not happen. It just couldn’t, “Just... Let me go find Eric, gotta let him know I’m leaving. Then we can take the floo back up to The Lantern.”