Benny Needs This

This is my friend Benny. He is a geek. He likes gadgets, tech stuff, toys, and bikes. Everything you see here, Benny Needs This.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: Outlast by Red Barrels Games

Why Benny Needs This: Benny has found a way to harness the power of dragon honey and sheer will to make his body into the perfect human machine. Not only does he get smarter and stronger with every breath that he takes, he can turn food into energy instantaneously because his digestive system is composed of eyeglass parts , hydrochloric acid, and hellfire. But everybody has to take a big ol' dump sometimes. How does Benny do it? He plays horror games to try to scare the poop out. Keep in mind that Benny himself doesn't get scared, nor does he lack the capability to poop; his GI tract is in perfect working order. It's just that the bacteria in his poop find that the safest and most habitable place in the world is in Benny's bowels. Yes, that's right, shit is scared to leave Benny's body because Benny's body is a fortress of fortitude. Occasionally, when he has to evacuate his bowels, he literally has to scare the shit out of himself.

Red Barrels Games has provided the perfect game for doing just that. In it you play a journalist named Miles Upshur (perfect name for someone that will eventually be miles up shit's creek) and you're really nosey. You heard about some sketchy goings on at Mount Massive Asylum and of course being the idiot you are decide to investigate it armed with nothing but your own fear and a digital camera. Once inside, there is no escape, there is only running and hiding, which you will be doing a lot of through your hand-covered eyes. This game is scary as hell. Did you peep the trailer? Are you dead yet?

Outlast is available now via STEAM on the PC and is the best damned survival-horror game out now on the market. I dare you to play it with the lights off, with clean underwear on. 

[therealmckoy]

http://kotaku.com/call-of-duty-ghosts-features-female-soldiers-in-multip-1137930238

Well it’s about damned time.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: Nike Air Max 1 VT QS

Why Benny Needs This: Being a sneakerhead just isn't the same anymore ever since mainstream culture caught on to the freshness and the kids that hang on the corner try to school Benny on what the hell “deadstock" means (bitch, we invented the term “deadstock"). I just saw a special on the needs month ago about “sneaker culture". When shit is on the TV news, you know that that is the final nail in the cool coffin. Now everybody is releasing the dumbest packs and color ways and claiming that they're rare for the eBay set to lose their minds and collective shits over the worst pair of kicks ever created. Seriously, do I need a pair of sneakers that look like teddy bears? Still though, companies get it right occasionally. Take these minty looking bastards. Or are they more pistachio ice cream flavored? Either way, they are still kinda sweet. The upper part is Nike vac-tec mold which is high-tech speak for plastic. The rest is a nice golden brown/beige/wheat color that would make a celiac sufferer’s mouth water. All in all, these are the first pair of Nikes I've thought about purchasing in a long time. As I say that, there are already a dozen kids selling fakes on eBay with user ids like dopesmoker26 or slickguyblueivy1313. Stupid.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: Fetish Hangers by Andreas Scheiger

Why Benny Needs This: Do you even know Benny? I mean seriously, do you even KNOW, bro? Benny likes bikes more that he likes a stiff cup of coffee in the morning and a foot bath in epsom salt at night. Having a bike rack that is made out of bike parts. . . That's some intense meta shit right there. It's like an Xzibit meme in real life. Of course, you could make your own, but how many of us out there really want to hunt down hipsters in their natural habitats, kill them, bleed them, behead them, and then mount their bike handlebars on a wall? Sure we talk about it, but Andreas Scheiger actually lives that life. He created these as part of his project "Upcycle Fetish" which seems to be all about bike love. You can head to his bigcartel page and buy your own trophy to hang above your faux fireplace.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: Heat Vision Dutch from Predator Action Figure

Why Benny Needs This: When Predator came out it was like every little boys dream. A bunch of muscled up dudes: Commando, Apollo Creed, the former governor of Minnesota, that Indian guy, whooping ass with big guns in the jungle and being hunted by a big Jamaican Lizard-man.

For Benny, this was soon to be his reality.

Originally, Predator 2 was supposed to be based on the events of Benny’s real life encounters with Jamaican Lizard-men running around the streets of Chicago, but the producers said that it would be too realistic so they changed the story up a bit and got Danny Glover to play Benny’s part. That’s the only reason why old ass Danny Glover could whoop the shit out of a giant Jamaican Lizard-man with so much ease that he garnered the respect of the elder Jamaican Lizard-men; because Danny Glover was actually playing Benny. Benny excelled where Schwarzenegger failed because Benny is an apex Predator. Still, this night vision Dutch action doll is a nice homage to the character that first went up against a reptile with dreadlocks and came out victorious. I remember seeing this for the first time in the movie thinking that I needs to get a Predator visor. When I learned that it was all special effects done in a computer, that just made me want one more. This is a work of art that perfectly captures heat-view with the bright ass colors. Thank you NECA for making boyhood dreams come true in the form of an action figure.

[bennyneedsthis]

And we're back!

Sorry for the lapse in communication folks. I had to go on a brief hiatus and get some shit together but fear not; Benny has not stopped needing things so we are honor bound to provide you with the neverending list of what Benny needs. Because Benny Needs This.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: Wonder Woman Animated Short

Why Benny Needs This: OK, let me count the ways. 1. She's a badass amazon with god-like powers and trained by amazons and even whooped Ares' ass and he is the god of war, 2. She is a founding member of The God Damned Justice League, 3. That invisible jet thing makes no damned sense but it's still awesome and as a kid every boy (secretly) wanted one. This version of Wonder Woman brings a kinda 70s exploitation flick vibe to everything thanks to Robert Valley. The clip that I watched (find that on your own) below shows Wonder Woman riding around in a tricked out muscle car busting the shit out of crooks. If you're not a sexist, you can catch the short on Cartoon Network as part of DC's DC Nation that airs on Saturdays at 10 a.m. Question, how come they never made Wonder Woman underoos for boys? Benny would have rocked the shit out of them. GO EMPOWERMENT!

[terrysdiary]

Jared Leto  shot by Me for Candy… out now!

[bennyneedsthis]

Jared Leto is a pretty ass dude.

[rkzero10]

[edwardspoonhands]

BRB….selling my Microsoft stock…

[bennyneedsthis]

And Sony wins it all.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: Ninja Cord Wraps

Why Benny Needs This: The only thing more annoying than tangled headphone cords are tangled headphone cords. How do they manage to get like that anyway? You make sure to wrap them up nice and neat and like so many angry snakes they get all knotted up in your pocket. Heaven forbid if the cord is long; you might as well invest in a spare set because guaranteed that cord is getting caught on something. My question is “how ?” though. Is it magic? Is there some secret cord cabal running the headphone interests around the globe? Aliens? Perverted monks? Luckily god created the embodiment of badassery to help stave off the next dragon apocalypse (dragonocalypse!) in Ninja Cord Wraps. By the way, the plural of ninja is “ninja”, not “ninjas”. Geez, read a fucking Japanese vocabulary book why don’t you. They’re just trying to save the world from tangled cords. Would it pain you to learn the language?

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: The Standing Room by Heights + Kenchi

Why Benny Needs This: By the love of all that is holy in heaven and hot in hell. . . These little idiots running around with their naughty bits hanging out need to pull up their damned pants. A little plumber's crack is acceptable, but when your nuts & berries are jiggling out the front and your entire ass is hanging out the back with only a thin layer of cotton between your junk and the world, you are doing a disservice to mankind. Not to mention you look like a complete and utter idiot. Wearing your pants that low does not make you look tough, it makes you look like a man puppet waiting to have a hand shoved up your rear.

Thankfully the good people at Heights + Kenchi are giving a tasteful middle finger to bad trends by providing fine menswear that will always be fine regardless of whatever a rap video says. The Standing Room carries the signature Heights + Kenchi line of bow-ties and tailored shirts, as well as quality graphic tees and menswear accessories. This store is only for the "grown ass man" that makes his own damned decisions, pays his own damned bills, and butchers his own damn meat. Do your fashion sense a favor and stop by their NYC location to pick up some duds. Then go out and pay a lunatic to cornhole common sense into these kids. 

The Standing Room is located at 207 Clinton St, New York, NY 10002. Contact 347.227.2071 or visit their website at www.heights-kenchi.com.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: New Era Super Mario Bros. Fitted Hat

Why Benny Needs This: Everybody is all up at arms over the Xbox One unveiling because they're bored and stupid. Everyone knows that all these complaints mean nothing come Xmas time because it's a new Xbox and it plays new games and the graphics look pretty damned spectacular regardless of the lack of backwards compatibility and a bunch of other nerd shit that nerds are mad at. What about the original OG gangsta (redundant!) NES? Without this little quasi-Italian pixelated plumber there would be no Xbox One to complain about. Top your crown with a Super Mario fitted, jump up while under a brick bridge and I swear to Princess Peach that if a fireflower doesn't rise up out of that bitch then you obviously didn't hit that thing hard enough. Just keep jumping. Also, please take the sticker off the bill before wearing it or so help me I will hire a Koopa Troopa to come to your house and murder you.

[bennyneedsthis]

Hannibal Buress is the truth.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: Rotaliana LaDiva Lamp

Why Benny Needs This: Prometheus died bringing fire to humans. How come we don't have a holiday for him? We have holidays for lackluster saints like St. Valentine that have done nothing to advance society save for making some chocolate makers really rich and reminding lonely, single people just how empty their lives are. If I was smart, I would have invested money in Kleenex because I know around St Valentine's day their profits must go WAY up. Fact of the matter is, we can't work in the dark unless our work is in the dark like a spelunker or deep sea diver or blind pornstar in a blind fetish video. For those of us that like to get a little work done in bed that doesn't involve sex or a bit of reading on the couch, Rotaliana brings us this baller lamp with four speakers, a retractable iPod dock, and a button-release lamp arm. Turn it around, bright eyes, and you get a USB port and two extra aux holes to plug in other things like more speakers or whatever. Yeah, the lamp looks weird as fuck, but it's more of an art piece than a table lamp-dock combination that you can get at Target. Why can't you just be fancy sometimes?

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: Focus-Creation Folding Wall Mounted BBQ Grill

Why Benny Needs This: BBQing is a rite of passage performed generation after generation across the globe. Why do you think so many dads don the ceremonial apron, cleanse the grill every summer, carefully prepare the tools of the ritual: tongs, skewers, spatula and various savory elixers, before sacrificing their meaty offerengs in a small pit of fire to the sun-blood god Barabebecuegenon? If they don't who knows what the mighty Barabebecuegenon may do? A good old fashion smiting?And if your offering is paltry, then you will burn. . . your food into bricks of tasteless death. Thankfully, our French speaking saviors at Focus-Creation have done us a huge solid by making a wall-mounted grill that can pretty much be affixed to any wall. It's a god damned spacesaver. You can adjust the height to however tall or short you are and grill the shit out of some hot dogs and some ribs. Maybe even toss a couple of shrimp skewers on there for the "vegetarians".  Thank you o'mighty Barbebecuegenon for this our summer feast. And my you rain sweet hellfire down on all vegans.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: Edison Light Globes Vintage Industrial Brass Small Table Lamp

Why Benny Needs This: Benny was heavy into steampunk in high school not because it was cool, because back then it most certainly wasn’t, but because he actually believed he could make a steam powered floating dirigible island. While other kids were busy watching porno or making pipe bombs in their parents’ basement, Benny was studying where DiVinci was flawed in his designs and mocking Nikola Tesla. He built his first pair of steampunk glasses, powered by actual steam, when he was 14 and then proceeded to stomp on them when they were completed because he has perfect 20/20 vision and didn’t want any one else getting their hands on the patent. Edison Light Globes dazzles the modern desk with this throwback lamp. LEDs might be more efficient, but they don’t make you look like a mad scientist. You juxtapose this next to your new iMac and you would swear you were in a real time machine. No detail was spared either: the body is solid brass, the plug is an old school 3-pin, and the cord is thick braided. And just look at that bulb*. That right there is the epitome of baller. It’s the type of lamp that would make a supercougar blush as she waxes nostalgic over the good old days when both her and Benny would be killed for engaging in an interracial relationship.

*There are four different bulbs to choose from.

[bennyneedsthis]

What Benny Needs: The Porsche 911 Book

Why Benny Needs This: Have you ever strived for something? Do you even know what the word means, bro? I won't go as far as saying that Benny created strive. But I will say that he invented the word sustrival (pronounced BEN-nee). It means that you will do what ever it takes to be better or do better by any means necessary, including ancient Mayan child sacrifice rituals. The Porsche 911 is something that Benny sustrives for. If you could magically or mechanically warp 500 fixed gear bicycles into a car, it would be the Porsche 911. Then if you chopped that car up into little pieces, added holy water, stirred it into a pulp, and went through a bunch of other steps to make paper and stuff it in between what was once the outer cover of The Bible, then you get this book. Filled with beautiful photography of Porsches by René Staud and a bit of history for you wordies out there, this would be the perfect gift for the person in your life that loves driving fast in the shiny metal vagina. If you think that was a dig at Porsche, then you're an idiot because vaginas are awesome.