SelfTitled. @bensang-blog - Tumblr Blog

Posts

What's good 2017! Hope you find something you can love, laugh, or cry at here. This has always been a space for me to reflect, but I publish so we can connect. Best Love, Ben

Dear Someone

I wrote to you a year ago, in hopes to fill a void in my life. You sent me a new job, a new home, new relationships, and this “someone” that I would never have met if I didn’t write to you then (“Dear NoOne” my previous post circa 2015).

I asked NoOne why I was so afraid, and you sent me challenges to strengthen my every doubt. You sent me milestones to hurdle, new responsibilities to own, and relationships to foster. I did everything and then some, but I still fucked up. I made a mistake because I am human, but I have moved without haste to fix these mistakes because I’m too afraid … but of what?

Dear someone, I am hesitant to ask for forgiveness because I am no stranger to abandonment. I have been a shadow that fades into the brightness of many futures, only to support someone when their light begins to falter. I become an after thought.

I no longer want to remain an after thought, but I also don’t want to continue being a burden. I care enough to try, but I am apprehensive if there will be reciprocated feelings. It has always been the same fear: Rejection.

Rejection is a crutch or a teacher. We can harm our self worth, or ego, or our very existence. Rejection makes you question everything you are and everything you have become: why was I not good enough? What did I do wrong? But I ask myself these questions and assume the answers even before I ask you those questions.

I must remind myself that Rejection is a vehicle of growth, for I must change to live with what I cannot have. It’s a necessary evil that just sucks and reflects the purest form of MY selfishness. I get too entangled in my own assumptions of inadequacies that I neglect your feelings and pangs. In my internal dilemma, I have neglected this someone.

At the end of my rambling, that has been the realization I have concluded. That I can only be sorry when I say it, and that I must accept the pain of rejection as the same pain I have inflicted to ‘someone’ by my selfish fears.

Dear someone, I have a difficult time grasping the guilt and angst I feel in my daily. I fucked up and this time around, I don’t want to keep running away. I tell myself this because I know many people who have been rejected and ran away, including myself; but, I want to remind myself that telling you will be worth the rejection.

01.20.17

Living Out Loud . (zero)

I’ve been toying around with a few ideas on how I’d like to archive my world. After watching a few videos on YouTube (namely: DavidSoComedy), I’ve decided to use my old blog as an outlet of expression and reflection.

Living Out Loud is an expression of freedom, joy, disgust, fear, and hope. There are many venues we look to for these emotions, such as food, travel, family, friends, love, inspirational quotes, cats (eww), or silence.

My plan is to share with you (and my future self), some of the pieces of the world around me that make me whole. I want this blog to be fluid and vibrant. The idea is that Living is the same: fluid and vibrant. incomplete yet just right. Solemn, yet dignified.

So therefore ... I hope that you enjoy. I hope that you can find peace or inspiration. I hope that I can make you laugh, smile, and think. I hope I can challenge you to living out loud, because it’s you, who inspire me to live louder.

Adventure is out there (or right here). So let’s get it! #LGI

#livingoutloud #lol #adventureisoutthere

gabebondoc

View this post on Instagram

bensang-blog

I was made for loving you ... I won’t scar, your young heart.

#hopelesshearts #torikelly #gabe bondoc

Dear No One,

Hi, it’s been a long time. I’ve been debating whether or not I wanted to go back into writing. There’s been so much on my mind. As I look back at my posts from years ago, I realize that I circled right back to where I was: Lost. Confused. Alone.

Two years ago, I understood who I was and what I wanted to become, but two years later, here we are again. I suppose I was wrong, or maybe I took a left turn instead of a right. I’m not sure where this funk is coming from. I’ve lost weight, traveled the world, and made new friends! I have a lot to be proud of, and a lot more world to explore . . . So why?

fear ?

I told myself back then that I would take more risk (which I did). I also said that I would make a better self (which I did). I also said that I would learn, embrace, and progress from my mistakes, attempts, and persistence (which I did). Yet, I have fear to push more. Fear of rejection, and the almighty fear of failure.

Maybe it’s because I’ve never been on a real date, held a successful career-job, or had a grandiose accomplishment I am proud of. I’m NOT deflecting responsibilities, nor blame anyone else for my shortcomings. I am completely at fault. What I’m really trying to understand in myself, is why? Why have I not accomplished these things? Why do I get so nervous when I start up?

Twenty-somet’in years later, and I’m still this boy who is afraid to man up. At the very least, that’s something I can own up to.

I write to you, in hopes that one day you’d respond with an answer. Some guideline, advice, or even a simple prayer to help me. My dear No One, I get it if you want me to figure it out myself. Writing to you helps a little bit though. Don’t worry, I’ll keep growing and doing my best as I wait for you to respond. I still smile to smile! Life’s good.

Sincerely yours, BenSang

#openletter #dearnoone #sincerely #bensang #hope #promise

Aging

I suppose time changes everything.

The worst thing it changes are people. One day they care, the next, they don't. The reality is that one tries to preserve what was, while one tries and forgets ... never realizing that what once was is now aging away. Withering.

I feel that many of us are guilty of wanting to forget, but there are some who should mean enough that you wouldn't. It feels as if I'm no longer a part of what you appreciate. Something lost with time.

My Karma.

Oh hello!

Visit Original Link

I can't piece my thoughts together for this song ... there's some depth in it that is deeper than the metaphors in the lyrics ... I CAN'T WRITE ...

Instantly.

Is it weird that someone you never knew existed before, can mean so much to you after you first meet?

Why we can't get over them as quickly as we got on them is beyond my comprehension.

My Silver Lining Playbook

So I finally saw the movie with my best friends and it's damn good. As a result, I got into a mental frenzy and wanted to write. Tonight, I want to talk about my flawed ideal of a relationship/girl/etc.

Accepting my fallacy, I wanted to write this as a way to hold myself accountable for my expectations. Therefore, this is my playbook; a way for me to formulate a game plan, or rather, set the promise to myself.

Lately, people have been asking me what my perfect girl is. I would be able to describe that in detail for you if you asked and can even give you an example of a great girl I know ('infatuated' from a few post ago). After seeing this movie, I feel comfortable saying that my ideal is crazy. I admit it.

So my old playbook was to accept my girl for their imperfections, but the better promise to myself is this:

Embrace imperfect then you'll find perfect.

Let's embrace Ben's imperfections because it's perfect for someone. Care about yourself first. Don't change and don't think you are not good enough. You're imperfect ... live it up. I've been so drawn to the idea of what others want from me, that I tend to forget that I definitely want to be liked for who I am.

I do want someone who is perfect. This being someone who at least tries. Someone who tries to make me laugh, who tries to play a sport or watch it with me, who tries to be adventurous with me in food and the world, someone who likes me for my unnecessary need to express myself all the time. (like right now).

So if I want someone like that ... why can't I accept the fact that my shortcomings are actually perfect for someone?

My biggest failure is/was/will be embracing my own fallacies and accepting the fact that I am good enough to be someone's partner, and not just a friend.

When I like someone. I try too hard. I make mistakes. I drown myself in pity because I felt like I was too needy. too aggressive. too passive. too much. Honestly, it's because I cared too much what the girl would think. I just thought TOOOO damn much. Every single time.

If my friends can like me for who I am when I'm not thinking about ... why can't I be myself around the girl I like? ... It's so simple! Just be yourself. Right?

So where does this rambling lead to? ... well. I'm not sure. I've realized that the personal struggle I'm going through in my head is just one of self-doubt. You can almost see it in the most recent posts I put up. I have always had a tough time finding self-confidence. But recently ... I can make people laugh. I can make people happy. I can make people rely on me. I seemed to have forgotten that this was more than enough for me. Despite whatever imperfections I have, people still genuinely like me. I just need to remember to always be myself, even around the girl I like.

.. 'cause if she doesn't like my imperfections ... then fuck it! >:]

Embrace imperfect then you'll find perfect. [Stop trying to be perfect .. just be imperfect ben]

Realizing that I'm pretty awesome is today's silver lining. Excelsior

xarny

How To Handle Drunk Girls Passed Out On Your Couch

loveanddrevenge-deactivated2013

wow but really is this seriously that fucking difficult

bensang-blog

:] Really isn't that hard gents. trust.

Inadequacy is only a state of mind.

right?

#KeepMoving #ChallengeAccepted

Dis con nect ed

Lately there's a disconnect I feel from the world.

This world being friends, the world around me, and within myself. I seem to lack motivation to follow through, to do something productive, to pursue happiness. I don't feel like I belong with my best friends anymore, or the people I've worked with for the past two years. I feel like I would be more comfortable being around strangers, because even then, I'd know myself more. Maybe I'm trying too hard and the outcome of the situation doesn't fall into what MY expectations are. *question to self* do I keep trying till there's a reconnect? or do I stop trying and wait? Or should I give up completely?

This isn't depression. Just doubt. There's a hesitation to keep moving forward because self-confidence becomes an issue. That issue of doubt that seeps through the cracks every so often. But I don't understand what it is that I have a problem with ... Am I conflicted with my own inner demons (do I really think that I'm a failure), or am I just displaced from the support and reassurance that I'm not a failure.

These are the plagued thoughts rummaging through my mind lately. Being unemployed and at home has made me complacent, but now there's a dissatisfaction that looms. You don't always need a support team (hence the idea of independence) ... BUT when you do ... you wish you didn't feel so dis con nec ted from them.

I know I got heart ...

I'm better .. -GabeBondoc

Waiting for that one opportunity ...

One of those nights where you’re just scared to face reality.

Reality that change happens. Relationships change. People change. Your own situations change.

I know time will tell and good things will come…eventually. What is meant to be will be...right? It doesn’t mean you can’t be afraid.

I, for one, am scared.

Sad. Frustrated. Hopeful. Doubtful. Confused.