THE HORROR

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#  BENTACLED  !      pinned    post.  independent,  private  &  selective  ben    hargreeves    of    the    umbrella    academy  .        SPOILERS    AHEAD    !    medium    activity    ,    by    avril  (    20+    ,    she    /    her    )    .  

do  know  i  write  both  versions  of  ben,  sparrow  ben  &  umbrella  ben,  however,  my  main  focus  will fall on  umbrella  ben.  in  my  canon,  umbrella  ben  came  back  to  life  when  the  umbrellas  reseted  the  timeline.  to  me,  train  ben  is  umbrella  ben.  he  has  all  his  memories  and  is  currently  on  the  lookout  for  his  siblings.  sparrow  ben  also  exists  in  this  timeline,  and  i  will  play  him  on  request.  i  love  them  both  dearly and  i'm  excited  to  develop  them.

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if anyone's even active on here anymore i hope ur having a wonderful day ok

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also remember when i said that ben's coffin was probs decorative bc it was too small (so he was probably,, torn to pieces so smol that there was nothing left to bury) and when it comes to the ghosts klaus sees, u can most of the time make out how they died bc they look p gnarly? where is ben's headshot. sorry guys im rewriting canon too bad so sad

LEAVING MY BITTERNESS ASIDE, im being so for real right now who's going to take ben to see the ocean pls pls i'm begging. he loves the ocean so much u do Not understand

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What the hell is he doing here? The Umbrella Academy | 1x05: “Number Five”

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THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY 2x10 "The End of Something" / 4x04 "The Cleanse"

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i've already talked about how i don't agree with how the show tried to turn sparrow ben into umbrella ben (ie. the siblings expecting ben to act like and eventually become their ben, which is plain silly. can u imagine how crazy that would be for sparrow ben to grapple with? the unmeetable expectations? they truly never even gave him the chance to chart his own path. also what the fuck was that post-credits scene where he's seen in a subway in korea? that was never explained. did they have other plans for him? besides, it's funny how everyone kept on being surprised by ben acting like an asshole when, well, they're simply not friends? he spent years in prison, which made it all the worse bc i really don't think he got much in the way of 'bonding' done with the others. it's like they wanted to both paint ben as the outsider but also... not? bc the way the hargreeves were acting, u'd except them to be on at least friendly terms but that doesn't seem to be the case on ben's side, and i don't blame him. his family was murdered. he never got to grieve them. they're only mentioned in passing. why. it's so weird. let ben be ben) BUT he never even got the chance to die with "his" family? all of them died together, holding hands, except ben?? he died alone?? again?? sure jennifer was there but she was a Plot Device so no i'm not accepting that. sick & twisted... he never got to say goodbye.............. again..........

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klaus hargreeves... “  i’m starting to think i’m just fucked up.  ” 

you're not, ben thinks immediately after a fractured mind has savoured the words, but pauses, for a moment, because he's not sure if @theseancekid will believe him. it hadn't been easy, their shared existence. it hadn't been easy, seeing his brother willing to do anything to quiet the ghosts that pursued him like leering wolves. it hadn't been easy, feeling the familiar prick of envy, when a cruel tongue designed the words you're wasting your life, and some of us don't have one anymore. the guilt had come later, it always came in waves that drowned him in life, but they weren't enough to rip the words out of an air that had stagnated his brother's lungs. he's not sure how things are between him and klaus now, not really. despite having lived together for years upon years, now that… now that everything has changed, he's not sure how klaus sees him. partly because he's never known, exactly, if klaus had known the reason why ben had stayed with him, all those years ago. it hadn't been out of fear of the light, unfinished business, or duty. no, simply… it'd been a decision made out of love, for as silly as it sounded. he hadn't wanted to, hadn't been able to, leave him behind. neither him nor his siblings, his family. it'd also been out of concern, of course, fearing that if he left klaus alone – the worst would happen, because as much as he loved his siblings, no one had taught them to care.

everything was different now, though, and he wondered if he'd ever formalised any of the thoughts that sped like trains through his brain. if klaus thought that, because they weren't bound together anymore, ben would simply... leave him. " you're not " he finally got the words out of his mouth, injecting as much conviction as he could into the simple syllables. he'd been disappointed in klaus so many times, he'd known he could be something so much better, that he could aspire to more than just hitting rock bottom after rock bottom, but he'd seldom considered the hauntings of the other's thoughts. " i'd know better than anyone, i had to put up with your sorry ass for years " he added, to take some of the seriousness out of the matter, though the ribbon of sincerity was still braided into the words. " you're doing the best you can, and i see that. we all see that. that's the most we can ask of you, klaus ".

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five hargreeves... “  i’m scared.  ”

those words sounded unnatural coming from @paradoxcd, as if his mouth was too sour to pronounce them properly, to taste them with the fear and shame they required. ben would know. the cracks in his lips had been carved to accommodate such simple words, his tongue remembering their withered taste as if it were the bitter flavour of the medicine that grace spoon-fed him when his forehead burnt. those words had been made for him, for him who had been born to sow fear ( the horror, such an appropriate name. everyone forgot that the name referred to the creatures, not to him, but was there a difference ? he wanted to believe there was. he wanted to believe he wasn't like them, but in the nights, when the roar of the beasts replaced his frightened, frenetic heartbeat, he began to doubt it. they're going to devour you, little number six ). he'd bitten the words on countless missions, hiding behind luther, seeking conversation from klaus, laughing when five waltzed into his airs of haughtiness. it was a feeling that had haunted him as faithfully as his shadow, but unfortunately hadn't killed him as quietly as it would have.

five had never been like that. naturally, ben doubted that his brother had never felt fear ( on their first missions, in the apocalypse, in the vastness of his aloneness ), but he'd always hidden it well, behind a porcelain mask whose cracks he healed before anyone could notice them. the fact that ben was receiving them so… openly, robbed him of the air that blighted his lungs ( how many times had you coughed as you got used to breathing ? ). yes, the words had been spoken with practiced placidity, his features a sea of serenity, but… they had been spoken all the same, released into the air like a bird of contradictions. “ me too ” offered the once-ghost, feeling the corners of his lips pull up into a wry smile, as if to match his brother's apparent nonchalance, though his blood was pounding. “ when we were kids, one thing that always helped me was… thinking of myself as the protagonist of one of my favourite books. one of the heroes destined to save the world, to vanquish evil. someone who was guaranteed a happy ending ” it sounded so naive, when the world had robbed them of everything it could rob them of. “ i don't think that method is needlessly complex enough for you, though ”.

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five hargreeves... "i’ve been alone for so long i’m afraid i don’t know what it’s like not to be"

ben knows loneliness. he knows loneliness as well as he knows klaus' breathing, as well as he knew the discrepancy in rhythm of his siblings' footsteps as they raced through the corridors. he feels it as acutely as he now feels his own heartbeat, a wild beast pounding against the marble gaol of his ribs. he sensed that, at the end of the day, it was inconsequential how much he grew, how much he changed, how much he remembered or forgot of a childhood rotten into life, for deep inside him he would always carry that lonely boy who found companionship in books, who breathed ink ( not entirely true, not when he had found solace in five, in viktor. but five disappeared, and then ben died, and then those memories were nothing more than that, a sharp reminder that the good never lasts, and the bad always outlives it ) ; a noose of loneliness will always run through his body, like a leash on which his shameful desire to be good enough hangs.

but his loneliness, he knows, cannot be compared to that of @greatloss, not to that of a brother who carries an unknown battle written on his hands, whose eyes have seen worlds tumble. his loneliness is that of one who saw the stars collapse, the grim realisation that the gods were not going to pity him and render him another handful of ashes with which to craft their thrones. ben was so proud of him, but he didn't think he had ever told him that. he wouldn't know whether to tell him, whether the sentiment would sound sincere. but he had time, he had time to choose what to say and what not to say, he had time to savour all the loving memories they never got to make, because he wasn't planning on letting him go, on letting them go, not now, not ever. the corpse-turned-person nodded, once, twice, feeling the words catch behind his teeth. " then let us teach you, " he muttered in response, as if it were obvious. as if there was a choice to do something other than cease being fluent in solitude and learn to be something else, something better, together.

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(me after making a promise to myself i would shut up about the last season of TUA bc i need to calm down) AND ANOTHER 11 THINGS:

1) have the show runners forgotten all about their characters trauma?? klaus being buried ALIVE would’ve been a great callback to the mausoleum. the gunshots?? VIETNAM?? also i loooove how we forgot all about dave, who cares am i right!!

2) the fact that the show is basically telling these characters that have suffered years upon years of unrelenting abuse ‘hey ur dick of a father was actually right to treat u like trash. u ARE literally the reason the world is shit! u need to erase urself from existence bc u being born is a crime teehee <3’ NOT THE MOVE STEVE

3) five surviving 40+ years in the apocalypse and doing everything in his power to try to save his family + never giving up on trying to find a way home, even willing to rip the timeline into pieces so they can be SAFE, only to? what? let them sacrifice themselves to save the world when he would have rather doomed it to keep them alive? not only that but ur telling me he was ready to abandon his family to stay with lila after getting stuck in a subway for 6-7 years? how can u misread a character SO BAD

4) luther was smart enough to be an astronaut but… strip him of his powers and he’s nothing? same with diego?? diego knows how to fight y'know, his powers have no reflection on that at all? don't they only affect the trajectory thingie? also all the ‘chubby diego’ comments... STAY AWAY

5) so ur telling me, ME, that the subject of ben’s death never once came up? let us remember he was with klaus 24/7 in ghost form. ur telling me, especially when they were still living under reggie’s roof or when they went back home for their dad's funeral, that ben’s DEATH, that he was ruthlessly killed by their own father, never came up? really? never? ‘oh maybe ben didn’t realise it was his father that shot him’ ok so he would’ve asked klaus???? like what are u saying!!

6) why did the marigold give them different/upgraded powers? which btw, isn’t luther’s power superhuman strength? why did they put him back in the monkey suit? did they fucking forget about his OG power 😭

7) what about the other kids? weren’t there like 43 kids that were born on august 8th, including the hargreeves? don’t they also have the marigold inside their bodies?

8) reginald’s redemption arc… sick and twisted

9) why was jennifer in a squid lol. why was jennifer in this at all, her character was never explained! also sparrow ben… didn’t he have his own version of the jennifer incident back home? y'know, that one woman he drew almost obsessively? haha :) did they forget about that? 🥰

10) what the fuck is up with the timeline underground. it’s never explained? it’s just there? also if allison + lila erase themselves from existence, doesn't that mean their kids... would cease to exist?

11) steve blackman when i catch u it’s on sight 

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misc sentence starters

“  i wish i knew how to talk about it.  ”   “  you don’t have to talk, we can just sit together.  ”   “  i don’t want to be alone anymore.  ”   “  i wish i could hate you.  ”  “  take a seat, we’re gonna be here a while.  ” “  i need you to trust me.  ”   “  i missed/miss you.  ”   “  she/he won’t listen to me.  ” “  let me do this for you. please.  ”   “  is there anything else you want to say to me?  ” “  tell me something happy.  ”   “  promise me.  ” “  i just want/wanted to help.  ”   “  let me explain.  ” “  i didn’t/don’t need you to understand, i just wanted/want you to support me.  ”   “  i’m on your side.  ” “  i’ve got your back, okay? ” “  please, tell me you have a plan.  ” “  stay with me tonight.  ” “  don’t go. please.  ”   “  i’ve been alone for so long i’m afraid i don’t know what it’s like not to be.  ”   “  talk to me.  ”   “  i did what i had to do.  ” “  we can’t keep going on like this.  ” “  i’m just tired.  ” “  i’m scared.  ” “  it’s okay to be afraid. fear can be good. use it.  ” “  it’s better to expect disappointment.  ” “  hope is dangerous.  ” “  i like seeing you smile.  ”   “  you look beautiful.  ”   “  be patient with her/him. they’re trying. ”   “  i’m trying my best and it’s not good enough. it’s never good enough. ” “  i’m starting to think i’m just fucked up.  ”   “  have a drink with me.  ” “  she/he is better off without me. but i guess that’s their choice.  ” “  you can’t dictate what’s best for someone else. ” “  can i help you?  ” “  i thought you’d like this.  ” “  do you wanna get out of here?  ” “  walk with me?  ” “  well, shit.  ”

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it's been one day and im still pissed when will this end. season 4 had some neat assassination scenes but none of them shined as bright as the writers assassinating the characters like go off monarchs

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legitimately how i feel about the last TUA season. i think i was vibing with the first 2 eps?? and then they pranked me real hard :((

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well well well... this new "ship" has made my hair stand on end. in other news luther continues being the best boi i won't take criticisms

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I WAS RIGHT IT WAS NOT IT. ONE EP LEFT

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what the actual fuck

TUA SPOILERS IN TAGSS BC IM DECEASED

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well well well... this new "ship" has made my hair stand on end. in other news luther continues being the best boi i won't take criticisms

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I WAS RIGHT IT WAS NOT IT. ONE EP LEFT

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well well well... this new "ship" has made my hair stand on end. in other news luther continues being the best boi i won't take criticisms

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season 4 is here and so i return

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idk if im gonna talk spoilers but if i do pls know ill be using 'avril's ramblings' as a tag !!

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me again rip idk if i'll come back to this blog right away even tho i miss my boi BUT IF I DO the show's jennifer accident won't be canon to this blog !!