thoughts. distraction. [longread]
this is the end of my last real summer, probably. I've spent most of it being stressed out - about something or other. and next week I'll take my first vacation in years.
It's really hard for me to picture where I'll be a year from now. literally - where. I know where I want to be, but everything is focused around where my first job career position ends up placing me. I have a nearly-guarantee for a place in Perrysburg - and I've seriously considered commuting from AA/Det to Pburg every day. of course, I could always live at home (which would make the most sense), but.... I just always assumed that at the end of these four years, we would be able to stop missing each other. and I'd like to make that wish a reality. Oh, and I don't want to live at home. my relationship(s) with my family have grown much stronger in the past 3 years, and I don't want to ruin that. and I don't want my mom to give up a great offer just because of me - by then, I'll be "real" person.
Is this streak of good luck going to continue? Will a get a dream job (whatever that means) exactly in June, in exactly the place I want? Is that possible? I've worked so fucking hard to try and guarantee myself a job after graduation.
and I'm in this weird... sort of limbo. It's too soon to start looking for that job, but right now is when I sort of have the free time to do so. Too soon to apply for graduation. Too soon to do a lot of things - things I'm mentally preparing myself for, because I feel both all-too-ready for these things, and yet not at all wishing for all of it to end. Quite a different ratio than when I graduated high school, I must say. I was more excited, and less terrified. this time around I'm mostly terrified and not so much excited as... ready to move on. College almost felt like a barrier.... at the end of it, once I surpass this barrier... I can stop struggling. On my way to the truest form of independence. The more debt I collect, the more it feels like a barrier.
I mean barrier in the most...positive way possible. it was definitely an experience, one I don't regret despite a variety of choices both good and bad. Barriers give you character, after all. When I graduated high school I felt so grown-up, like such an adult, like I had it all figured out, that I was who I was going to be ---- I look back on my 18-yr-old self the way my 18-yr-old self looked back on my 14-yr-old self. I was so juvenile, so weird, so....young.
I think... I feel like I'm in limbo because I don't want to feel like crossing this barrier, this experience was all for nothing. and it feels wasted if I don't get out in four years, if I don't graduate with my friends, if I don't get a job within a few months after graduation. So, I want to make sure the pieces are all going to fit together. I'm trying to eliminate the stress that graduation may bring.... I just want to apply for it, and then just show up to graduation and let everything go well.
A few things have always made me cry... My father, the thought that my grandparents won't be around forever, Aiden's (eventual) realization that his father may not love him as much as he should... you get the idea. lately, thinking about graduation --- my last moments spent on campus, in a stadium full of people I don't know --- is oddly upsetting. It just has a different vibe than graduating high school. It's like --- I don't feel a connection to high school the way I feel connected to my university.... as strange as that sounds. High school is like distant relatives --- there are some awkward things about it, yet there are endearing qualities. but ultimately, you didn't choose it. so after awhile, that connection fades. College is your best friends, your significant other. It was chosen, out of countless others to be your home for four (or more) years. Your best and worst moments were witnessed by the institution you chose. It becomes it's own kind of family.
I know, i know -- it's ridiculous, kind of cheesy, and way corny. and maybe I don't entirely believe all of it... I think I've just been way too emotional for my own good lately (by lately I mean, like, way too many months). And I can't help it. I don't know if it's an age thing, or if I need to find a new pill to be on but...
I guess what I'm saying is: I'm so ready to start my life. My real, life. to be a real person. with a salary. and a house and a dog and all those things that I never knew I'd want so badly. At the same time? I'm not ready to leave my bubble. I don't want the inevitable fights to take place - the ones that don't occur when we only see each other every weekend. I'm not ready to leave... this place where I can fail every once in a while. The place where I can take a mental health day --- and no one has to know.
There are things I will have to give up, I think, that I'm not sure I'm ready to. This tumblr is probably going to leave, sometime soonish. middle-of-the-day naps aren't going to be a thing anymore. cheap beer, thirsty thursdays, skipping out of most of my obligations because I'm have a wrong day.
Maybe doing my homework in starbucks wasn't the best idea. It's right across from the Stroh center, where the commencement ceremonies take place.
