Beth_Sincerly🖤

A little poetry, sometimes emotional brain dumps. Mostly both at once. -- I am a student who has no where else to scream about how the boy she likes makes her feel. Here, have my deepest thoughts I wouldn't even tell him among other things.

[beth-sincerely]

B.

B-(is) a man, he doesn't need mothering, he knows and is willing to take meds when he needs them when he's sick, he appreciates me reminding him cos it shows I care but he has a fully developed brain so already did it.

B- F. He's my boyfriend. Like actually, like asked me to be his girlfriend and everything. We kiss real proper and I love him.

B- hasn't been mentioned here yet, the gap in my posts this time was because I can just tell B that I love him and it's ok, it's allowed, it's wanted, it's not forbidden, it's not crossing lines, it doesn't need to be bottled. B receives my affection, wants my attention, and returns them with interest, in fact I didn't initiate, he was interested in me, pursued me, chased me. After years of fighting for a relationship to have someone put in the work to make a connection and build it, it is amazing. I had no idea that I was worth that.

B is my favorite person, he is my home and holds my heart so gently, he is so many good parts of my friends in one person, I adore him so much.

Now like I said I don't poem about him much, but I do about other things so get ready for whatever I want to share.

[beth-sincerely]

So it's been a while and the boy I used to write about has cut me out of his life, even though I nearly died to be ok to just be friends and we'd built back to a good friendship, he had suppressed his feelings and it was eating him alive.

So now I have space to see how toxic it was our whatever we had, and I have unfriended him on Facebook and while I still do think about him it's normally in a not good way.

He is talked about as he who shall not be named often or here I will call him A.

Everything before this post will be A side.

A-Learning experience

A-good time not a long time

A-boy

A.

[beth-sincerely]

I liked you a lot,

I think I'll always want you,

But right now the void you carved into my heart is healing,

The scars are starting to soften,

The new tissue is turning from flames to snow,

And I know that you didn't make those marks on purpose,

But you walked away,

Tearing parts of me away with you,

And I've taken time to heal those wholes,

Though they still ache at night,

I'm not sure that there is any space left for you.

I don't know if I want to let you carve a new spot for yourself,

I definitely don't want to let you tear your way back into the healed wholes.

So where does that leave us?

Cos only friends never seems to end well for us.

[beth-sincerely]

We've started talking again,

Little bits here and there.

And while it feels a bit like a lost part of me has returned,

The easy with which I have let you in scares me.

[beth-sincerely]

Now you're gone for good.

But your not really,

We still hang out, have fun, be mates.

The torn up part is healing around this new shape our relationship has taken on,

But the scars are still fresh and I'm still healing and I just want the you that loved me to hold me while I cry myself to sleep.

But he doesn't exist anymore.

[beth-sincerely]

The thing I've realized that I want that he didn't have was an independent interest in art.

He liked my art but he wasn't interested in art really.

I was interested in engineering but he wasn't in art.

I still miss him but I know more things I want now I guess.

I want to not be here anymore.

[beth-sincerely]

It hurts.

He doesn't want me.

None of them do.

So lonely.

[beth-sincerely]

I feel like a puzzle, not finished always growing as the pieces find their place.

And when he broke my heart again it was like someone picked up the surface I was being made on and smashed it against the wall, scattering everything everywhere, ripping up the foundation of everything, breaking parts of me that I didn't know we're fragile.

I nearly didn't survive.

Slowly but surely things are being put back together, I'm healing through little things I'd never expect to fix me.

I'm finding that I'm not who I was 2 months ago but not in a bad way necessarily, but it's being almost overwhelming to watch.

My depression is back and in a way I've not had before, it feels more like a defense mechanism rather then darkness I can't shake.

I'm ok.

[beth-sincerely]

Did you know that I love you,

So hard that i can't look at the stars without being reminded of you,

That now I cry in the supermarket when a love song comes on,

Did you know that before you decided to stop loving me back?

It feels like I held my breath so long waiting for you that now that I need to breath again I can't because I've damaged my lungs. Every moment I'm away from you I hate you but if I'm in the same place as you I forgive and forget.

You're not the person I'm missing, he's dead.

[beth-sincerely]

The possibility of a future with you was worth waiting for.

I gambled and lost but I'd do it again if given the chance to rewind the lost years.

Now I just need to work out how to move on.

[beth-sincerely]

I've realized that I'm scared to love him.

I feel like I need to keep myself in check around him.

I don't know what's allowed and now I have missed out on photos with him I would have loved.

I hurt inside and all I can do is wait it out.

[beth-sincerely]

There is something so beautiful and pure about pictures of someone you love while they are asleep.

My father has taken them all my life, all his marriage. Not often but sometimes. There are pictures of my mum from before I was born. They are not staged, they are a mess, they are chaos and peace colliding.

I am studying fine arts and at the graduation show in my first year a post grad had painted photos like this, larger than life. The care and love and soft beauty of it struck me so strongly. This love I'd seen growing up, recognized by others, practiced by another family.

I just saw a reels of a girl asking her s.o. if he took candid photos of her and the ones that he had were of her sleeping. They are beautiful and she didn't mock them. I expected them to be mocked because that is often the convention for showing that kinda thing but she didn't. They are presented almost softly, neither praised nor shunned. They are a showing of his love and they are beautiful.

[beth-sincerely]

I don't

super wanna exist,

But unfortunately

to live

it's mandatory

[beth-sincerely]

I let my brain wonder too far this morning.

Now when I lie down, all it does is imagine what I might feel like to be kissed by him.

Sometimes his hand is on the side of my face, sometimes it's on my side, gently resting on my ribs.

I imagine our noses touching, our breath mingling. Sometimes our foreheads touch, eyes closed and I just soak in the moment.

Other times we kiss. My brain jumps over that. It can't seattle on what it doesn't know. My lips are left feeling lost and alone, like a moment of something has gone.

[beth-sincerely]

I've kissed him now. And he's kissed me.

It was worth the wait.

And tho my mind still does skip over it at times, the sensory information lingers around enough that it gives me goosebumps.

It makes the mind wandering so much harder to control tho. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

We kiss with cloth masks on and the way he smells soaks into the fabric. It is such a small perfect thing that I refused to let myself hoard it. Fleeting small perfect things like that are only precious in the moment they are fresh.

I washed the mask and one day I hope that I be able to make that choice again.

[beth-sincerely]

I realized that the way I feel unsafe where I study,

(a long days travel from my home and family, but still in the same nation)

Is the same way I felt unsafe when I was overseas.

The trauma from that trip runs deep.

[beth-sincerely]

I want so desperately for you to be proud of me

That on today's like today

When I'm failing

I wanna contact you so you can tell me that you are no matter what

Cos I know it's true

But it's been so long since someone has told me to my face

[beth-sincerely]

At some point I will write about realizing that I like hands.

[beth-sincerely]

I liked you a lot,

I think I'll always want you,

But right now the void you carved into my heart is healing,

The scars are starting to soften,

The new tissue is turning from flames to snow,

And I know that you didn't make those marks on purpose,

But you walked away,

Tearing parts of me away with you,

And I've taken time to heal those wholes,

Though they still ache at night,

I'm not sure that there is any space left for you.

I don't know if I want to let you carve a new spot for yourself,

I definitely don't want to let you tear your way back into the healed wholes.

So where does that leave us?

Cos only friends never seems to end well for us.

[beth-sincerely]

We've started talking again,

Little bits here and there.

And while it feels a bit like a lost part of me has returned,

The easy with which I have let you in scares me.

[beth-sincerely]

My aesthetic exists somewhere between

"if I dress in oversized baggy clothes I get cat called less"

And

"I wanna look nice so I'm desired by the boys I like"

This presents in baggy shirts tucked into high waisted pants for an hourglass figure,

Topped off with a hoodie for good measure