Sleepless Grieving SWK Student

The journey of a Latina, 30 year old, master student who is on the edge of success. Many challenges are approaching; her mother's death is the hardest she will HAVE TO face while trying to be the first in her family to obtain her masters. ~ Her mother currently is living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer~ She is first generation, first to have a Bachelors, and youngest. She has trouble sleeping because of all the plates she has to juggle. Where will she go, how will she cope, will she sink or swim in this ocean we call life. Swim along side me in this ocean we call life. I know we will make it to the island of paradise...but only if we stick together

[thegoodvybe]

[bethany-el]

#repost

When all you feel, see, breath, smell, remember, touch is the one you lost

...

[thegoodvybe]

[bethany-el]

#repost #newnormal

[jmfenner91]

[bethany-el]

Missing you in every moment...

[bethany-el]

And I miss you, when you're gone That is what I do And it's going to carry on That is what I knew Hold on to my hands I feel I'm sinking, sinking without you And to my mind, everything's stinking Stinking without you And in the night I could be helpless I could be lonely, slipping without you And in the day, everything's complex There's nothing simple when I'm not around you

The Cranberries - When You're Gone

[bethany-el]

Runaway Train 💔

Call you up in the middle of the night Like a firefly without a light You were there like a slow torch burning I was a key that could use a little turning So tired that I couldn't even sleep So many secrets I couldn't keep Promised myself I wouldn't weep One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now I'm in too deep There's no way out This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back Wrong way on a one way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile Make it somehow all seem worthwhile How on earth did I get so jaded Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go I know what no one else knows Here I am just drownin' in the rain With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry Day and night, earth and sky Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train never going back Wrong way on a one way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train Like a madman laughin' at the rain Little out of touch, little insane Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back Wrong way on a one way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train never comin' back Runaway train tearin' up the track Runaway train burnin' in my veins Runaway but it always seems the same

https://youtu.be/NRtvqT_wMeY

[bethany-el]

The Hats I Wear...The Hats You Wear

🤹‍♀️A professor asked me, "How many hats do you wear?!?"

🤔What are the many hats you wear? 🤔Because of your many hats, what is at jeopardy? 🤔Who are the people who love you, give you grace, have patience while you work on your dreams, career paths, or when your just trying to figure it out? Why not, repost something like this on your wall so you can take perspective, give perspective, and then give gratitude to all you have. Everyone has someone, even when you think you have no one; some pup or cat or some person you see at your favorite spot to hang out.

Take a moment to reflect with me <3 I promise you will not regret it.

The Many Hats I Wear: 🎓MSW Student 🎓Student Affairs Officer 🎓UTSA MSW Social Media Student Council Officer 🎓Co-Lead for the Volunteer Deputy Registrar (VDR) Trainings (@ DT Campus) 🎓Intern at TX Rep. Diego Bernal's Office 🎓Archer Fellow Advocate - help students interested at UTSA 🎓AmeriCorps VISTA Alumna - help students interested at UTSA 👒Grieving Daughter / Griever Advocate - has a small blog Can't forget Family and Friends: 👒Daughter 👒Granddaughter 👒Sister 👑Aunt - the cool one 👒Cousin 🎩Friend 👑Girlfriend 🧢Dog Mom

*And remember these hats do not just have one duty, they have sub-hats under them

🧐Notice I placed family and friends towards the bottom... 🤹‍♀️Unfortunately, the consequences of having so many hats, jeopardizes close relationships with family and friends (the most important hats). 🌹My mom raised me to put education and work first because she wanted me to be able to sustain myself "without the help of a man." Therefore, I have learned to gain accolades, produce networks, and made sure that when I graduate I have avenues to turn too. I am so grateful for her teaching me the way she did. But, after my mom passed I have seen all her friends and loved ones come to her funeral and it really did change my perspective on the meaning of life. We shall see what next year brings, especially once I graduate and get a piece of my life back, the social and family part.

I am not saying I am a hermit and do nothing because luckily I have a boyfriend who always reminds me that I need to have a good time every now and then, I have a brother that let's me know he misses me and makes me go to a brunch I end up enjoying and being thankful for, I have a dads who let me know when I haven't called them in a while, I have a Cuzzy who just texts to see if I'm okay, then I have my nephews who give me random phone calls like "do I watch Ozark?" or "Am I going to church this Sunday?" and not to mention the rest of my family, friends, and mom's friends who check in on me periodically <3 I have all this love around me and I am so grateful for every single soul out there.

What I am saying is that I need to travel more, make time for friends more, make time to go and see family more because relationships are what keep you and I alive at the end of our life. 👁When someone is dying, they always seem to wait for someone to get by their bedside before they pass...that is not a coincidence, that is proof that relationships mean life

[anastasiatasou]

[forever--and--always-yours]

Even though I understand souls, I understand human life and am in much better connection with my higher self/consciousness; I've done so much soul searching and finally found my truth;

It's still hard to know you're not in human form like me anymore. You don't have the body like I do right now. I know you have one on the other side of the veil, but to think you are no longer 'human' like you were.. Is still extremely painful and heartbreaking. But why, even though I know what I know, why does it still hurt so bad..

I guess because I can't hold you, hear you or see you, that's why.. That's why it will always hurt.. Until I am on the other side of that veil with you.

[bethany-el]

[bethany-el]

Something I didn't know... Grief is physical. In the beginning of this semester I felt like I lost all my knowledge. I was worried I forgot how to "social work." I was so worried I was losing my memory. I knew trauma effects memory but I guess I never thought of grief as trauma until now. I now know this is normal, to grieve and have memory loss. I swear everyday I wake up my body aches, I feel sick at times, I literally do not feel fully rested and if I do after 30 mins I feel tired again. I do not have an increase in headaches but that is something that happens too! If you are grieving and the above has intrigued you. take a look at the article. It might make you feel somewhat "normal."Link: https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/Also, Last month I posted the podcast on "What not to say to a griever." This article is from the same resource of that - What's Your GriefTrying to learn my grieving process is hard because it is so unpredictable, with so many reactions, etc. Use your comments below to tell me about your experience. PLEASE NO COMFORT is needed, I more so just want to read experiences that are like mine. There are times when grieving feels lonely so this post is just to create a community of "universality." Thank you in advance. .#GrievingDaughter #Grieving #SleeplessGreivingSWKStudent

[bethany-el]

"When I Am Thirsty"

When I am thirsty I think of the last 6 days my mother was laying in her bed before she passed. She didn't eat nor drink anything for 6 whole days! I did not know how she was surviving. She was unable to close her mouth and her eyes.

I would moisteb her mouth with an oral sponge, I would place chapstick in her lips, I would kiss her and hold her and tell her I love her more than anything in this world.

She just laid there, day in and day out, thirsty, unable to drink, unable to eat, unable to speak, unable to rest, it was torture for me as well as it was for her. Cancer is horrible, it is a demon that lives within you and sucks every drop out of you.

When I am thirsty, I get a flashback of her lying in bed, suffering, a woman I had never seen before.

She was always strong, independent, never asked for help, but in those last days, I cried the hardest I have ever cried in my life.

When I came into this world, I cried because of the detachment and separation from my mother. When my mother left this world I cried from the detachment and separation of my mother leaving this world...my world... The thought of life without her is unimaginable but for some reason I am here, breathing without her, living without her, and life is just not the same without her.

When I am thirsty, I think of my mother. Such a simple human need... to yearn for water...something we all need to survive...do you see the link?

When I am thirsty I think of the one person I need in my life to survive, my mother. Without her, I will always be in a desert, searching for a well...💔

[bethany-el]

The Process - Grieving Daughter

[bethany-el]

"don't give up...don't let go...one dance left...you only get what you give...GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!! 🌎💪🤘👌👩‍🎤👩‍💻👩‍🎓🤓😝🤩💜

[bethany-el]

⏳2:35 am⌛When the world is asleep preparing for the next day; my productivity awakes, distraction is minimized, and I feel I am the only one who exist on my side of the world for only a moment. Yes, it is lonely at times, with only my textbooks and the 🐕 to keep me company but the point is-there is little distraction. Peace is the hardest thing to get during the day when your mind is racing from one: idea>thought>feeling>worry>responsibility>obligation to the next. This is finally my time...finally a little bit of piece.

[bethany-el]

[bethany-el]

When your sick but Finals are more important and time waits for no one!

[im-procrastinating-again]

Grief positivity

Shoutout to the people with uncommon ways of grieving

Shoutout to the people who can’t talk about their loved one without crying

Shoutout to grieving students who are trying to balance school and coping

Shoutout to the people who still haven’t fully comprehended everything that’s happened

Shoutout to the people who are fine one day then cry for hours the next

Shoutout to the people who don’t cry

Shoutout to the people who feel like they can’t talk to anyone about their loved one

Shoutout to the people who lay awake at night thinking about everything they’ve lost

Shoutout to the people who don’t have closure

Shoutout to the people who feel like they can’t move on

Shoutout to the people who feel like they aren’t grieving the right way

I feel you. Just keep going, you can get through this.

[bethany-el]

This is awesome! Had to repost. So hard to find people on here who are students and also going through the journey of death or are grieving. Thank you for this post. Grief Positivity! Love it!

[bethany-el]

A Little About me

Tell me if you can relate: I think I have ADHD…why you ask? Because when in class learning about ADHD in the DSM-5 I evaluated myself…I mean who doesn’t right? I later called my school to see about the test…$250! Yes, I know the test is originally about $500 but as a graduate student living on FAFSA, this is expensive!

My History: I went to a private school until 8th grade. As many of you know, they do not test in private school settings in TX. So instead I spent my recess reading and trying to catch up to my class, it was so embarrassing at the time. I spent after school at a learning center and I spent time after that doing my homework, I was mentally drained and remember falling asleep while reading. The work paid off because my reading level went from 2 grades below my actual reading level to accelerating 3 grades above from where I should have been. Thank you Sylvan Learning Center but most of all thank you to my mother who forced me to practice, read, and never give up.