r u ok? its been a while since we've heard from u and some of us r getting worried. please let us know ur okay.
First and foremost, yes, I am okay. I am safe.
I am so so sorry for my absence, and I cannot express how much I appreciate the concern and care I've been shown. Y'all are one of the most loving fandoms I've ever been a part of. I love you all so so so much and I'm so grateful to be in this sphere.
Initially, I left because I had this like malicious form of writer's block, where not only could I not write anything new, I hated everything I had written. Like couldn't even read through it without rolling my eyes at myself. I really wanted to delete it all and just either walk away or start again. But that felt....wrong. I'd dedicated a lot of time and effort to these works, you guys seemed to really enjoy them, I just didn't feel like any of us deserved for it all to be deleted in order to soothe my mean mean brain.
So I just took some space for myself so I could stop hating these documents that I'd spent months on (I literally spent so much time on the CM Punk wikipedia page this year that it was my #2 most visited page)
Then, in Early October, I fucked my foot *up*. (TW: Brief Injury Description) I hyperextended the tendon that controls my big toe/runs across the top of my foot. Aka "Turf Toe" basically. Wild bruising, couldn't put much weight on it, had to wear a basketball shoe indoors so it could act like a brace, probably should've seen a doctor, etc. (End)
Literally like 2 days after this happened, I had to go out of town to do an entire week of prep for an event. Then I spent two weeks helping my parents at their house right after.
So mentally I was doing poorly, physically I was injured and not being allowed space to finish my recovery due to travel/responsibilities, and Br*ck L*sner and The Saudi Arabia Sale seemed to be the biggest news in WWE and *that* was making me even *more* sad. And Cena's run was just not hitting for me. But at least by the end of the month, my foot was like 95% better.
Then I turned 30 (!!!!) in November, and that (plus Thanksgiving 😮💨) also came with more travel and responsibilities that were making it very hard for me to feel creative or like anything I'd written. I started like 4 new non-wwe projects in this time, and it was misery to work on them too. I felt like everything was contrived and dumb and trope-y and immature.
So now it's December, and I finally have the words for what I've been feeling, but I still don't have the drive to work on my projects. I open my documents and read through it all, and I just like [heavy sigh] and close out.
I feel like I've written myself into a corner with like all my stuff and I want to change that so badly, but I feel like I'll have to overhaul *sooooo* much to fix it and that feels incredibly overwhelming, and again, also sad. I worked hard on this stuff, there's no reason for me to hate it. And again, everyone is so sweet and no one has said an unkind word to me about *any* of my works *or* my absence. (I wish more people in my life showed me the grace y'all do, tbh)
I can't even find the juice to make Christmas gifts for people. Like even my physical art materials are leaving me dissatisfied and sad. Just absolute creative block.
I also feel like my mild disillusionment with WWE/TKO probably sparked a lot of this, unfortunately.
The air really got pulled out of my sails with the Br*ck L*sner thing. Genuinely, I got into WWE when I did was because him and VKM were gone and Punk was coming back.
And then Punk doubled back on everything he stood for, then went one step further and brought his *wife* in to work while there's a Lawsuit Named Sexual Predator on the roster with him, while they're going to start a generational run in a country that devalues human rights, but especially women's rights. It all just disappointed me. (I'm not saying AJ didn't deserve to come back!!! I am so happy she's on TV and enjoying herself again!!! I just Don't think this was the safest climate to come back to, even if it's better than it was under VKM. Br*ck is *literally* named in the same case. Saudi is *empirically* dangerous for women. Just feels bad, man.)
And, because I still enjoy watching wrestling, I tried watching TNA and could not get into it.
So I started watching AEW, and it's been filling that hole in my heart that WWE left behind when they self destructed. (That also added to Punk's fall from my favor/letting me down, because AEW wasn't really that poorly run while he was there, and he seemed to be the aggressor in all the situations he found himself in and once you realize that, it really seems like his WWE run is just rehabilitation for his image and that's why he's so willing to do what they say. But, in the words of Taz, I digress.)
I still keep up with WWE news and I still have intentions of finishing the stories I've started, I would feel even more terrible if I didn't wrap them up. But they're all pretty much going to exist in an AU where None of That Bullshit happened lol
Yes, I'm safe, I'm just battling my own self worth.
I'm still planning on finishing (at least) my posted stories.
I am truly sorry if I caused anyone any serious concern or distress, that wasn't my intention or my expectation, I just had to get out of it all for a while.
I love you all so so much and I'm so grateful you're all so caring and full of grace. I've seen the nice things that've been said about myself and other fic writers and it genuinely means so much to me to have people support my work, even when I hate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You all are the best part of The WWE. 🩶
