When Love and Death Embrace. @beyondmyredemption - Tumblr Blog

“I love you. I love the texture of your skin, the taste of your saliva, the softness of your ears, I love every inch and every part of your entire body. From your toes and the beautifully curved arches of your feet, to the exceptional shade and warmth of your dark hair. I need you in my life, I hope you need me too.” — Nick Cave, from a letter to PJ Harvey

Inhale. You’re sitting in the back lounge of the venue, a cigarette in hand. You know you shouldn’t smoke, it knocks out part of your voice. But just for the moment, the thoughts in your head get quieter. You think more clearly now with the smoke filling your lungs, burning to escape. It’s taken you a lot to get back to this point, broken you in a way. Seeing his face again. Oh god why did you have to see his face again. In an instant, the world of who you once were comes back in to focus. Your dreams and aspirations weren’t crushed back then. The world was a whole new place that had so many things to offer before becoming too much to comprehend. Back then, when he made sense. For years and years you’ve built up a wall, a facade masking your internal pain. It changed who you were. A new person was created out of pure anxiety of the unknown. All because you created a comfort in knowing where you should be going. A fake life. But that prior entity still lived inside, making itself known every once in a while. Don’t you remember when you had that ambition to move forward? The internal energy that pushed you forward. The same one that was reignited seeing his face again. The 2,000 miles traveled in uncertainty of what to do with yourself. Exhale. The smoke burns your mouth and you choke on the breath leaving your body. Dammit, your voice is almost gone again.

rsdxxo-deactivated20160301

Who would have known.

We've come such a far way since those stupid little myspace days, but one little memory, one person brought all that back. Just searched the tag, and there was your face. I'm still taking deep breaths, not believing that I saw you again. I thought it would be the last time. I don't know what to even think.

Zvyšok v raji, môj priateľovi.

Uvidíme sa na druhej strane.

Rest In Paradise, My friend.

See you on the other side.

Magnolia.

I grew up in the city under neath a magnolia tree. What was such a tree doing in the middle of a city? It grew in a small garden surrounded by walls of other houses and created a haven to escape the world in. Flowers, lanterns and a small pond created such a place. While just over a bordering wall, people were hard at work. I got to sit there, relax. In a place that was like a dream.

I grew up in a city on a roof top. The roof was just as high as the magnolia tree. A deck sat on top of the skinny row house, normal for a city. But next to the deck was the roof top of a warehouse. A place I liked to sit at night. Lay on the rooftop, watch the stars above and the people below.

I grew up outside a city, longing to get back. Someday. :)

"It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen. But it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you’ve ever wanted."

I haven't given up yet. I promise.

Decoy.

I'm taking your advice finally. Your way, open mind, peace, humbleness. I feel this will help me to better myself and to judge less. I don't want to judge anyone, it's not right. It's just natural from always having to defend myself. No need to defend myself against anything now. I find myself happy when I can be alone and think. My thoughts, me. I don't need to be negative since I have pushed all of the negative away. People will no longer be allowed to affect me. Only I can. In positive ways. I'm content with everything, even if it may not be something I enjoy. Complaining is past me. I don't need it. I just try to make myself more conscious. Look at me. I am not Me. I am just mind and body. It's just what people see me as. Slow down, take a deep breath, let all thoughts disappear. I'm not depressed, i'm not anxious. These things were just brought on by insecurities. Better yourself. Amaze them. Push yourself. Find your answers.

Breathe Easy.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Let your mind go free. Forget all around you and all ahead of you. Just pause for a moment. Now exhale. Watch reality come back in to view. Watch the lights come in to focus and the sounds become heard again. A moment can do so much. It can mean nothing, or it can mean a lifetime.

Truth be told...

I don't need you, I really don't need anyone.

I'm on my own as I have been for a while now.

I don't need to consider your feelings, nothing.

You're not mine, you never were, so i'm letting you go.

I don't need you.

I never did.

Thank you.

You made me a stronger person.

theonlythingieverreallyloved

Heartkiller.

The cold of night engulfed her as smoke swirled around her head. The smell of it bringing an instant calm to her anxiety-ridden mind. Voices around her told her that she was not alone. But never before had she felt so alone in a crowd of people. Never before had she felt like this. Something here wasn't right. Someone or something was missing from it all. As a few snow flakes fell around her, she walked inside, feelings the glares of people burning her skin. She wasn't supposed to be here, nothing felt okay.

She wore all black, trying her best to dress her style yet still stand out. Everyone was wearing costumes and makeup. But all she had to stand out was Heartkiller across her back. To many, it made no sense at all. But to some, it meant a lot. Who was this "Heartkiller?

Unable to take the stares and memories anymore, she walked back outside. The smoke a now familiar smell calmed her down as the snow gently fell to her feet. Too many people, too many ghosts.

It was overwhelming, too much to explain to anyone. How could she explain to anyone? It was like yesterday that she had been standing in this exact place. But then, it was a completely different environment. The music, the people, all were different then now.

The yelling of a drunk guy snapped her out of the daydream. She ignored this and curled up tighter where she sat, trying to stay warm. Her jacket was in the car and her hoodie was no where to be seen. A couple people just sat there and watched as she kept to her self and smoked in peace. No one bothered to talk to her, to ask her. All she wanted at that point was to see him. For him to tell her everything was okay. For a while now, he was the only thing that would occupy her mind. Now with him in such close company, maybe he would finally notice her.

As the minutes dragged on, it seemed like hours before everything was over. The crowd diminished and there she was, left in the dark by herself. As she walked back inside, something caught her eye. And old friend stood there, waiting for her to notice him. She had seen him there before talking to people, but assumed he wanted nothing to do with her. She turned around to leave, but felt a hand on her shoulder and his familiar voice. As she turned around, he caught her in a hug and held her there. Even though he wasn't him, it still helped. The whole night she had been looking for him, and he wasn't anywhere to be found. But this old friend made things just a bit better.

As she walked out in to the darkness, something told her not to leave just yet. But the feelings were overwhelming. She didn't know what to do. Slowly she walked to her car, blocking out a fight that was happening near by.

She regrets not staying later. Then she would have seen him. She regrets leaving her home. Every time she is home, she never wants to leave. Maybe the day he does notice her, she won't have to leave.

Please notice me, Heartkiller.

Suicide of Love Took Away All That Matters.

Car keys lay strewn across the floor, a pass showing her highest accomplishment yet hangs from them. Dark silhouettes dance outside the windows in the gray of dawn. Lavender and and unknown patchouli fill the air as morning awakes. Same old day, same old place. A tiny black cat bursts through the tranquil dark, bringing forth the light of the hallway with him. He makes a quick leap and lands paws first on to her sleeping figure. Dreams are stirred and nightmares turn to life. Slowly, she awakens in the darkness of the morning, the tiny cat now clawing at her bare stomach. The past nights dreams now fade to black as her mind wanders back down to earth. Yet, he won't leave her. Every thought of him drowning every breath as she awakes. The memories of him, yet faint and hardly vivid, are what keeps her going. Some day, she'll find him once again. Some day, he'll know the truth. "All in time", They tell her. But what do they know? She feels something they never have. Is it fear? Or maybe pain? No. It's everything. All she wants and has ever wanted is love. "Hopeless romantic", They say. It's all just a fairy tale. But what can she tell them? Love, the Hardest Way.

Every story is a ghost.

Endless Dark.

I can't believe how fast i've fallen away from you. In just a matter of days you seem so far away, like you never meant much to me. It's amazing how one person can change everything.... Is this on purpose? I'm so confused.

All you needed was time, But now time will destroy us.

Watch Me Bleed by Scary Kids Scaring Kids

Love Is Real.

Every time I go on twitter on my phone, I always see I have an un-sent tweet. Every time I see it pop up, I delete it. But it keeps coming back. I really wish it had sent. It would mean nothing to you at all, but it would still be there. I see it every day, and I can't believe I would find myself saying those 3 words to you. I do mean it though, and I want to tell you. Just so you know. Love Is Real. I promise.

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